Disclaimer: See last few chapters.
Dancing With The Devil
Chapter Two
Rachel smiled at Finn when he put a hand on her stomach, before he gently placed a kiss on her bare skin, "I know you're like, really, really tiny right now but I'm your daddy.. me and your mommy are going to take good care of you." He grinned up at his girlfriend who beamed back at him, her hand in his hair.
They both knew they were young, and with Rachel going to New York and going to college, they knew it would be difficult but they had made a plan – Rachel would return to New York, and Finn would follow her out of there. Her fathers and his own parents had put as much money together as they could to get Rachel and Kurt an apartment near to their college, so living costs would just be bills and he would begin training to be a Paramedic – he and Rachel had decided upon this last year when Finn hadn't got into any colleges, before they knew she was pregnant. Eventually, he would join the fire service but until then, he needed money for the baby and mommy.
He moved up to kiss her lips, "Are you still in pain?" He whispered against her lips, pulling away slightly to play with her hair. Rachel had been experiencing stomach pain all day, and although he was worried, she told him it was normal and it wasn't severe. She nodded a little, pushing him off her gently so she could sit up.
He had never moved quicker as he dived down in front of her when she screamed in pain, her eyes closing tight before her hand flew to her stomach, gasping. "Lay back down, baby.." He murmured, going to move her back down before he noticed the blood. "R-Rachel.." He shook his head in shock and quickly picked her up, not hesitating to run to his car and drive her to the hospital. His eyes glanced to his pale faced girlfriend, every time she winced in pain, a look of pure panic on his face.
Rachel gasped and woke up, tears running down her face at the memory as she gasped for air, feeling another panic attack come on. She shook her head, trying to calm herself down before she got out of bed, only glancing at her reflection before she got changed. She decided she would take a shower at the club, before her shift instead of having to face any of the people that were probably in the sitting room outside her bedroom. She was quiet in her movements as she left the apartment, throwing her hair in a messy bun as she walked down the stairs, trying to push back the nightmare, and the shock of seeing Finn again.
She sighed in relief when the ice cold air hit her, as she slowly made her way to college, determined to stay away from the apartment as long as Finn and the others were there. She knew the day would come when she would have to face them all again, it was bad enough having to live with Kurt who constantly reminded her of her old self, and of her past. She closed her eyes, deciding against going to class, walking past the college and towards the park. Sometimes, she found herself looking at Kurt, jealousy running through her veins. Not because of what he had, or what he achieved but because she could have been him if she hadn't royally fucked up.
'You remind me of me, and how fucked up I can be' She smiled a little at the words, happy to know that Rachel Barbara Berry still existed in her somewhere, happy that the first lyrics that came to mind were always Broadway ones. She ran her fingers through her hair, sitting on a bench as she tried to forget all about Finn and the other friends she had stopped any contact with. She wanted them all to just leave her alone like they had done for the past two years, the endless phone calls had stopped after a month, and she knew Kurt had been reluctant in answering any questions about her. He was disappointed in her, he was scared of her and what she was capable of and to be honest, she couldn't blame him.
She sighed, thinking about the past two years and how much she had completely and utterly fucked everything up. Freshman year had been amazing, and then the miscarriage happened and everything went down from there. She had been depressed, she blamed herself, and then she was angry because she was sure Finn should have been more upset than he was. And then when he announced he wasn't coming to New York, she was pissed off because it meant he had been going to New York for the baby only, and now the baby was gone, he no longer had anything to go there for. And then he broke her heart and she knew that she would never be the innocent girl he had fallen in love with again.
She let a tear fall at her thoughts, biting down on her lip before she could break down, looking down at the floor. She had returned to New York, determined to show everyone that Rachel didn't need Finn to make her complete, she was determined to show everyone including Finn that without him, she was perfectly fine. It was a friend who introduced her to the job as a dancer when she was tight on money, barely scraping enough money to pay for the bills. She had been unsure, but had told herself that the old Rachel would have said no, and would have never spoken to the other girl again. She had to be different, so she tried it and she enjoyed it.
The sleeping around thing was something she was ashamed of, as much as she tried to hide the shame by sarcasm, she had never wanted to become that type of person. But the first time she had done it had been the first time she forgot about Finn, even if it was just for an hour or so. And so that continued, and in the end, she didn't relate sex to Finn, she barely thought about him.
She wasn't a drug addict, as much as Kurt thought she was, she used drugs to take the edge off sometimes or if someone offered it but she never went out of her way to get hold of any. She took them on occasion, but she would never say she was addicted to them in any way. But at the same time, she had never let Kurt think otherwise.
The drunk was a problem, she would never admit that out loud but she needed the drink to even get through a day. She would never call herself an alcoholic because she never needed it enough that she couldn't function physically, it was emotionally. She felt drained by the end of the night, and the alcohol was something that made her feel alive, made her feel like she could do anything despite the fact she was hiding behind her depression.
She sighed and wiped her tears with the back of her hand, standing up from the bench, taking a deep breath before she began walking. She had heard them all last night, begging Finn to fix her, as though he was the only problem. She wished it could be that easy – it was an ideal story, right? Finn broke her, he comes back to find a shell of the girl he broke for what he thought to be all the right reasons, and he tells her he loves her and they work on their life together and suddenly, she's happy again and she's going to be okay. It was how it always seemed to work out.
But this ran deeper than Finn. It ran beyond the miscarriage, beyond the many times he hurt her and the times she hurt him. It ran beyond Jesse St. James cracking that egg over her head. It was so much more than boys, and she found herself hating those people she called friends for so long for assuming that Finn was the reason. Yes, she had to admit, he was the reason she had finally let go of all the self-control she had for so long, but he was not the reason she was so broken.
Her dads broke her. Shelby broke her. Jesse broke her. Mr Shue broke her. The Glee club broke her. The people at school broke her. Finn broke her. The miscarriage broke her. But she had never let it get on top of her because she couldn't become a Lima Loser, she had to get out of there and show everyone that Rachel Berry was so much more than them. So she continued as though she wasn't breaking every single day, Finn helped to heal her, and it was only with him that she felt completely safe (the third time around) and then he had just put the final crack in. That was when she finally allowed herself to break.
How many times could one person possibly be rejected before they finally just broke-down? How many times could a person love someone, only to have that thrown back in their face? How many times could she take the pressure that came from her dads before she finally admitted defeat?
~ .. ~
Four Days Later
Kurt paced around the sitting room, his arms crossed as he heard the rest of the group speak about where Rachel could possibly be. She hadn't come home since they heard her go out four days ago, and he was terrified that something had happened to the girl. He sighed and moved to sit on the chair, his head in his hands. "I think I'm going to go the place she works at.." Puck muttered, shaking his head at Quinn who glared at him.
"Not because of that, I won't look, I promise.. I just.. it's our best bet, right?" He sighed and kissed Quinn on the nose, frowning, "Finn, come with me." He looked beyond the girl at the other boy, who just shook his head, panic clear on his face.
"I-I can't see her on that stage, I can't..." He shook his head quickly, his face pale as he thought about Rachel prancing around on the stage, her legs wrapped around a pole. He closed his eyes tight at the thought, not being able to believe that she was doing that to herself. The Rachel Berry he had fallen in love with so long ago would have never even thought about exposing herself in that way.
"Tough shit, you're coming, Hudson. You can fix this." Finn sighed and stood up, walking out with the other boy. Leaving the rest of the group behind them, who all just sat there in complete silence, holding onto their respective partners before Kurt looked up from the ground, tears falling down his face,
"Can Finn really fix this?" He whispered, everyone contemplating the question in silence, Santana slowly shaking her head as she thought about it.
Finn and Puck walked into the club, both of them gulping at the thought of seeing someone they both loved so much (in rather different ways) on that stage. Puck couldn't believe that the girl he went to temple with so long ago had turned into someone he didn't even recognise anymore. He had always just assumed that she would be in New York, happy with or without Finn, and she would be sending them invites to her Broadway début pretty soon.
They both looked around, shaking their heads in disbelief when they saw her walk onto the stage in something that could not be passed as underwear. Finn bit his lip at the skilful way she wrapped her legs around the pole, wanting to look away but not being able to keep his eyes off the girl who had always been so perfect to him. He noticed how much her body had changed in two years – she had always been thin, but he could see her ribs jutting out of her skin, her collar bone and cheek bones more prominent now. She had a tattoo on her hip, and he couldn't help but notice how much bigger her breasts looked when she took the bra off.
He gulped, did she get a boob job? He thought to himself, breaking out of his thought pattern when Puck jabbed him in the side, glaring at him. "We're here to bring her home, not to stare." He nodded, moving towards the side of the stage with Puck, he half expected Rachel to run off or call security when she saw them, but as ever, Rachel surprised him when she moved off the stage for the next girl, and walked up to them.
"What are you two doing here?" She mumbled as she put her bra back on,
"We need to bring you home, Kurt is worried sick about you and we all want to talk to you." Puck explained, putting a hand on her shoulder, when she shook her head.
"I'm fine, as you can see.. if you don't get your hands off me, that security guard is going to come over here and remind you of our 'look but no touch' policy." She moved past Puck, who only grabbed her hand,
"Please, Rachel." She shook her head again and glared at him,
"I still have an hour left of my shift, so if you want to wait you can.. but otherwise, I'm not going anywhere." Finn sighed and pushed Puck back, knowing that was the best they were going to get. Puck only gave a small nod before going to sit at a table with the other boy, his eyes not moving from Rachel for the whole hour they waited for her.
She had gone to get changed forty five minutes ago, and Finn looked at his watch, wondering what was taking her so long. It's not like she had a lot of clothing to change out of, he thought to himself as he watched Puck bite his lip and look at his mobile for the hundredth time. "She's snuck out back, hasn't she?" He finally said,
"Probably." Finn muttered, shaking his head before he got up and walked out of the bar, kicking the wall in frustration when he finally got out of there. Slamming his fist down on the hard brick wall before Puck came out and put a hand on his shoulder, "Let's try a few bars close to here, I doubt she would have gone too far. She's not gone back to the apartment, I just asked Quinn."
Finn could only nod as he ignored the pain in his foot and his hand, walking towards the first bar they saw, and the second, and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth. Until finally they saw her, grinding up against some guy, both of them clearly drunk as he kissed her neck, and Rachel nibbled on his ear lobe. Puck groaned and went up to her, grabbing her, glaring at the guy before throwing the girl over his shoulders and walking out of the bar.
"Well, that was simple." Finn muttered to himself before going to follow the two, staying silent the whole way home as Rachel punched Puck's back, asking him to put her down. Puck remained silent, until he dropped her down in her apartment just twenty minutes later.
"I went through hell trying to get her here." He groaned, rubbing his back as he pushed her further into the room, rolling his eyes when she stumbled. "Just sit the fuck down, got it?" Kurt sighed and took Rachel's hand,
"Come on sweetie, we'll go put you in the bath, okay?" He spoke to her as you would a scared child, walking her to the bathroom slowly, afraid she would run away if he made one wrong move. "I'll be back soon." He said to those in the room, before shutting the bathroom door behind him.
~ .. ~
Kurt washed Rachel's back gently, "I'm sorry, Kurt." She whispered, having finally sobered up as he washed her carefully, both of them in complete silence up until that moment.
"Don't be, Rachel.. you're hurting, you've gone about it the wrong way but you have nothing to be sorry for." He gently washed her hair, looking at the girl as a tear fell down her face. "Rachel.. tell me why this happened, please.."
"I-I.. I just broke." She murmured, bringing her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms tight around them. "I tried so hard to put all the pieces together, no matter how many times people tried to break me, and in the end, Finn was the only thing keeping me together.. I-I was hanging by a thread, I admit, but he was holding the pieces together and then I lost him and there was no need to keep holding on.." She took a deep breath, the tears falling heavier, "I knew I would break someday.."
Kurt nodded in understanding, wiping his own tears, "It wasn't just Finn, was it? Everyone is wrong.. he told us about the miscarriage.. b-but there's more, isn't there?" Rachel bit her lip, turning to look at her best friend, the only person she had allowed to stay in her life all this time – she could have moved out ages ago, but she didn't want to say goodbye to her old life completely, and Kurt was always the best friend she had ever had.
"You know.. m-my dads.. they used to lock me in the cupboard if I ever did something wrong." Her voice came out in a broken whisper, "I lost a competition once, and they kept me in there for twenty-four hours so I could think about everything I had done wrong. I was never a vegan out of choice, it was a strict diet they kept me on and it seemed like a better excuse as to why I wasn't eating so much... they were the first people to try and break me. But I tried to not let them because it was what they wanted.. so I stayed strong." She gave a firm nod of her head, before a sob escaped her mouth.
Kurt was in shock, as he threw his arms around her, rubbing her bare back as he cried with her. He had never thought anything badly of the two men – he had only met them once, at graduation, they had never been to any of Rachel's performances with the Glee club and he was pretty sure he didn't see them at West Side Story and all those times he had been at her house, they were never there. If anything, he would have described them as neglectful.. but never physically abusive. He held her close to him as she cried, not being able to stop the tears that trailed down her face.
He felt reality slap him in the face as he held her to him, knowing Finn wasn't going to be able to fix this on his own. It was never just about Finn, like everyone had so cruelly assumed, it was so much more than that. So much more.
