Chapter
3: Seven Days After Two Days Before Three Days After Four Days Before
Two Days After Six Days Before
Today.
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(After the meeting, all the bosses return to their caves. During the day, an Antenna Beetle drops by the Shower Room.)
Antenna Beetle: I have a message for a "Ranging Idiot...err Bloyster".
Watery Blowhog: He's on Floor 7, can't miss it.
(Antenna Beetle goes to Floor 7 and finds Ranging Bloyster)
Ranging Bloyster: What is it?
Antenna Beetle: I bring a message from a "The True Ruler of the... Err... Joe Mama! NOTE: I am NOT, and never will be, the Titan Dweevil, who totally PWNS." (Takes out bomb rock) Let's see here, oh yes: "DIE YOU STUPID SLUG! BURN! BURN!. Throw bomb rock." Oh, that's me, sorry. (Throws bombrock) Now what was I supposed to do? "Laugh evily." I haven't done this since college, but: MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ranging Bloyster: AH! A shiny bomb rock! It's time to go slow-mo!
(Everything starts happening in slow motion, as Ranging Bloyster starts running away at 0.000001MPH. In slow motion, that's REALLY slow.)
Ranging Bloyster: (Still in slow-mo) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (deep breath) OOOOOOOOO...
(After 2 hours of slow-mo running away, Ranging Bloyster makes it safely from the bomb, which still hasn't blown up)
Ranging Bloyster: (Stops slow-mo) Boy, that was a close call.
Antenna Beetle: Wait it says something else... "Goodbye you snail! Have fun in the afterlife! Run away." Oops, that was me again, sorry, I'm a new guy...
(Antenna Beetle jumps in the air, hits the ceiling, and fall on the bombrock that blows up right when he lands on it.)
Ranging Bloyster: I'm no genius, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen...
Antenna Beetle: Anyway, see you later DUDE! (leaves)
Ranging Bloyster: Who would want me dead though? Who would benefit? Oh man, this is a tough one...
(Jeopardy theme starts playing as the Ranging Bloyster starts thinking)
Ranging Bloyster: (Who hates me and would want me dead? Titan? Nah, he could just totally PWN me at any time, it can't be him... Speaking of Titan... What's for dinner? I hope its Mac and Cheese! That was yummy! ... Yummy! Maybe Giant Breadbug! Wait... No... He's anti-war hippee, he couldn't... That reminds me... I must prepare... "The Ham"... MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!... Boy, it sure is weird how I could laugh evilly in my thoughts... I wonder what else I can do... I know! I'll play tic-tac-toe! I call X's!)
(Meanwhile, at Glutton's Kitchen...)
(Antenna Beetle lands and runs up to a Dwarf Bulbear)
Antenna Beetle: Yeah, I'm looking for a "My dearest, sweetest, cutest, adorablest, Giant Breadbug"?
Dwarf Bulbear: Floor 6, you can't miss him.
(Antenna Beetle goes to Floor 6 and finds the Giant Breadbug asleep)
Antenna Beetle: What was it they taught us to do at the academy... Oh yeah! Roars
Giant Breadbug: (still asleep) But mama, I don't want to eat desert...
Antenna Beetle: Umm... WAKE UP IMBECILE!
Giant Breadbug: (still asleep) That went through one ear and out... Umm... Out the other thingy...
(Doodlebug runs up to Antenna Beetle)
Doodlebug: Hey mister! What are ya doing?
Antenna Beetle: Trying to wake this guy up. Any ideas?
Doodlebug: Oh, that's easy... Watch the masta! walks up to Gaint Breadbug FORTE FART! (Lets out a huge fart as the room shakes and boulders fall all over the place. Giant Breadbug gets up and yawns)
Giant Breadbug: Yeah? What's up?
Doodlebug: Some dude is here to see you. See ya later! (vanishes in midair like all Doodlebug's mysteriously manage to pull off)
Antenna Beetle: I have a message from a "Secret Admirer"... Well... To be honest... I'm going to need some help hauling it in...
Giant Breadbug: Just tell the breadbugs to do it, they can lift anything!
Antenna Beetle: Righto! (leaves to the third floor of Glutton's Kitchen)
Breadbug #1: Yeah?
Breadbug #2: What a second! It's my turn!
Breadbug #1: Nuhuh!
Breadbug #3529: Come on! This is my turn to say it!
Breadbug #17: No! It is my turn!
Antenna Beetle: Sorry for butting in, but why don't you all say it aat the same time?
Breadbug #25763: Excellent idea! Ready guys?
Breadbug #723: Uhh... I don't remember it...
Breadbug #4527: You idiot! You're supposed to say-
Breadbug #53928: ARE YOU CRAZY! You're about to say it right infront of our visitor!
Breadbug #723: Well, how can we all say it at once if I don't say it? That ain't fair!
Breadbug #74920: Yeah man! We're supposed to say it all at once!
Antenna Beetle: Listen, I really don't-
Breadbug #754231: Nonesense! We'll get it said! No worries!
Antenna Beetle: You all don't understand, I-
Breadbug #347: You mean to tell us we spend our whole lives telling everybody we're the nicest guys around when you tell us not to greet you? Are you mad?
Antenna Beetle: You have no idea...
Breadbug #7659: Guys Guys! Why don't we give it a nice sporting shoot eh?
Antenna Beetle: LISTEN HERE NOW! Giant Breadbug wants you all to skip the greeting from now on and help me carry stuff inside!
Breadbug #4576: I dunno, how can we trust you?
Antenna Beetle: Would a complete and utter stranger lie to you?
Breadbug #2: He's got a point guys! Let's do this!
Breadbug #3: snicker #2...
Breadbug #5: Don't get me started on what #3 means! Listen to what snicker #2 says and let's move!
(15 minutes pass and Giant Breadbug walks in)
Giant Breadbug: So, what was it that you needed to haul in?
(Antenna Beetle points behind Giant Breadbug. He spins around a sees a gaint mountain consisting of nachos and chocolates)
Giant Breadbug: (holding back tears) It's... It's so beautiful! (starts crying over Antenna Beetle's shoulder)
Antenna Beetle: ... (starts patting Giant Breadbug's back) Now now... It's going to be ok...
Giant Breadbug: (burps) Thanks (jumps into the mountain of food and starts eating)
Antenna Beetle: Also, they wanted me to tell you to meet them on Floor 11 of Hole of Heroes.
Giant Breadbug: (mouth full) mfffiiminne mgh mfh...
Antenna Beetle: Anyway, see you later DUDE! (leaves)
Giant Breadbug: (Gee, I wonder who my secret admirer is.. ignoring the only female at all the meetings and practically the only one I ever see who won't stop staring at me like I have an infestation. COME ON! Is eating a Puffstool such a crime? It's a delicacy man! That means it is delicious and its food! and food must be eaten, right? I mean, I bet she knows all sorts of things about cooking... Speaking of cooks, we need better cooks then these guys... They can't do anything right! They argue and argue amd argue amd... Hey look! A ham!)
(Meanwhile, in the Subterranean Complex...)
(Antenna Beetle lands and runs up to a Careening Drigibug)
Careening Drigibug: (makes bomb-rock) Hey buddy...
Antenna Beetle: Yeah, I'm looking for a "My 2nd youngest bro, Man-At-Legs"?
Careening Drigibug: He's on Floor 9.
Antenna Beetle: Thanks!
Careening Drigibug: Wait a second, hey buddy, wanna see something cool?
Antenna Beetle: Yeah, sure!
Careening Drigibug: (drops bomb-rock) There's some nice milk chocolate inside that bomb-err rock. Go ahead... Take a bite...
Antenna Beetle: I dunno... I have a strict schedule...
Careening Drigibug: C'mon man... Chocolate...
Antenna Beetle: Well... Umm... You see...
Careening Drigibug: Chocolate...Chocolate...Chocolate
All Careening Drigibugs: chanting Chocolate... Chocolate... Chocolate...
Antenna Beetle: I-Um... Eep...(C'Mon, think of something fast...)NOSEHAIR! (Ok, maybe not that fast...) I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT! (BRILLIANT!)(Runs off)
(Antenna Beetle lands on Floor 9 and spots MAL buried in the center like normal)
Antenna Beetle: I Bring a message from "Your older, cooler, smarter, nerdier, bigger fan of Nintedo...
(MAL starts rising)
Antenna Beetle: (doesn't notice)... Who has the UBER awesome feet that you only dreamed of having and never will have...
(MAL aims at Antenna Beetle)
Antenna Beetle:(still doesn't notice) ... And the current ruler of the world, Raging Long-Legs!" Anyway, he wanted me to tell you that-
(MAL shoots Antenna Beetle)
Antenna Beetle: AAHH! Emergency meeting tonight! Anyway, see you later DUDE! (leaves)
(Meanwhile... Wait, your probably tired of all these "Meanwhile" Things and just want to see the meeting, right? So yeah... That night at the meeting...)
Raging Long-Legs: Wow, you're pretty early today Ranging! What's up?
Ranging Bloyster: Well, someone here tried to kill me today, and I'm going to find out who!
Raging Long-Legs: No way!
Ranging Bloyster: Yeah, I know, hard to believe someone would want to kill little ole' me, right?
Raging Long-Legs: No, not that, I just bought a DS! W00T!
(instead of chirping, the crickets stare at the PWNAGE that is the DS)
Raging Long-Legs: Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Ranging Bloyster: Someone tried to kill me!
Raging Long-Legs: Really? Same here!
Ranging Bloyster: WOW! Who would want you dead?
Raging Long-Legs: I know! There's only one person here who hates me but I'm going to totally ignore him and say who wanted me dead? And my name isn't Geeky Long-Legs!
Ranging Bloyster: Ok, let's thing about this for a second: There are only three caves that have acsess to the messengers. Titan, your cave, and Pileated.
Raging Long-Legs: I wouldn't want to kill myself... I'm betting Pileated, with those shifty eyes and all...
Ranging Bloyster: Let's compare how they enter, then decide who done it.
Raging Long-Legs: Good idea! By the way, you brought the ham right? Giant Breadbug refused to come unless he got a free ham.
Ranging Bloyster: Oh, I brought it all right... MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Raging Long-Legs: ... I really don't see what's so funny about a ham...
Ranging Bloyster: Huh? I said that out-loud? That was supposed to be in my head!
Raging Long-Legs: Wait, I don't see a-?
Ranging Bloyster: Don't get me started on heads, ok?
(Titan Dweevil enters)
Titan Dweevil: Hello guy who claims to be the Ruler of the Shiny Stuff when they really aren't. Hello guy who's the leader when I really should be the leader.
Pileated Snagret: (enters) What's Happenin' Y'all?
Ranging Bloyster: Oh yeah, it is definatly Pileated.
(Widow Empress and Emperor Bulblax enter)
Emperor Bulblax: But mommy! Where do babies really come from?
Widow Empress: For the hundreth time, they come from my butt!
Emperor Bulblax: I want the truth!
(MAL and Beady Long-Legs enter)
Beady Long-Legs: Sorry I'm later than usual, but somebody (glares at MAL) had to shoot the messenger!
MAL: (falls asleep)
Segmented Crawbster: (enters) Please tell me that this meeting is actually worth my time...
Giant Breadbug: (runs in) Where's da ham! I came here understanding that there will be a nice ham!
Ranging Bloyster: Here you go. (hands Giant Breadbug the ham) It was made especially for you... MUHUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Giant Breadbug: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Ranging Bloyster: ... You weren't supposed to laugh, you were supposed to shrug and say "A ham's a ham!" then start to eat it!
Giant Breadbug: Oh, you mean like this? (ahem) (shrugs) A ham's a ham! (starts eating ham, and finishes)
Raging Long-Legs: Terrible news folks, Lord Burrowing was killed by the Pikmin, so Pileated will now be known as Lord Pileated.
Pileated Snagret: WOOT!... Err, I mean, poor soul...
Emperor Bulblax: I have a question... Why are we all here? What sets us apart from the rest? Why are we all special, especially me who is extra-special?
Widow Empress: I'm the wife of the now dead Grand Emperor... Yeah...
Beady Long-Legs: I'm Man-At-Legs' and Raging Long-Legs' youngest brother... Yep...
Emperor Bulblax: Mommy says I'm special!
Giant Breadbug: I am the founder of FAF, Families Against Fighting, and I totally control half of the food on the planet!
Pileated Snagret: Well, I used to be second in command watching over the land and making sure it is healthy and all, but now I'm number one! YAY!
MAL: (creaks)
Beady Long-Legs: Yeah, my brother has a gun that totally PWNs feet.
Raging Long-Legs: No it doesn't!
Ranging Bloyster: I'm the elected leader of all the small, insignificant families. Together, we rule!
(suddenly, Titan Dweevil's Monster Pump starts running)
Ranging Bloyster: You hear that? It sounds like a thousand waterfalls! Gallons and gallons of water, pounding in an endless flow...
Titan Dweevil: Sorry about that (Monster Pump stops) the darn thing keep messing up on me!
Giant Breadbug: (Must... Resist... Urge...)
Ranging Bloyster: Guys! I just remembered I had to go do something! I gotta go gotta go gotta go right now... Gotta go gotta go gotta GO!
Giant Breadbug: Hold that thought, because I GOTTA GO NOW! (runs out of the room)
(Everyone is silent as the room shakes violently and they hear a giant explosion)
Giant Breadbug: So sorry about that, where were we?
Waterwraith: (walks in, yellowish with some brown) FREEDOM! I praise the air! HAHAHAH! The light! The light!
Ranging Bloyster: (YES! IT WORKED!) HAH! Titan, that's 4 votes to your 3. I am officially the Ruler of the Shiny Stuff!
All but Titan: (while putting crown on Ranging Bloyster's head)(singing) For he's a jolly good Ruler of the Shiny Stuff! For he's a jolly good Ruler of the Shiny stuff! For he's a jolly good Ruler of the Shiny Stuuuuuuuuuuuff that nobody can deny!
Titan Dweevil: Except me! I deny him!
Waterwraith: Boy, its good to be back!
Titan Dweevil: Hey Waterwuss, why don't you go down to the nearest lake and drown yourself?
Waterwraith: Ummm... I kinda made of water...
Titan Dweevil:... Someone get a sponge.
Ranging Bloyster: Anyway, we were going around saying the reason why we're at the meetings, it is your turn Waterwuss.
Waterwraith: I founded the home for the exiles, also known as the Submerged Castle!
Giant Breadbug: Your cave is so wet! There are puddles all over the place!
Waterwraith: Yeah, some of them have crying fits.. and well... That's why it is submerged...
Segmented Crawbster: I am taken from my awesome life to hang with you losers because I am the leader of the Grand Emperor's armed forces!
Raging Long-Legs: I am friends with every single family, and I was best friends with the Grand Emperor! I have the largest cave, and one of younger brothers can shoot stuff! I also the new leader!
Titan Dweevil: The weapons! They PWN j00!
Doodlebug: (runs in) And I'm the annoying kid who runs in here and interrupts the meetings to show everyone my newest farts! Like the new, awesome, FUNKY FART!
(Doodle bug farts and a disco ball appears from nowhere. Everyone goes disco style, grows an afro, and goes funky for about 15 minutes. That is, everyone but Titan Dweevil, who is staring at the disco ball with hearts all around his eyes)
Titan Dweevil: (walks up to disco ball) So...Umm... Do you like to sniff cheese?
Disco ball: (I'm a freakin' disco ball! I can't talk!)
Titan Dweevil: You're looking absolutley fabulous...
Disco ball: (I don't like that look punk, back off Jack!)
Titan Dweevil: Want to check out my cave? It's very cozy...
Disco ball: (Oh, if only I had a fist for just five seconds... FIVE SECONDS!)
(Everything goes back to normal except Titan Dweevil who is stroking the Disco ball)
Titan Dweevil: My preciooouuss...
Disco ball: (This guy puts the insane in... INSANE!)
Raging Long-Legs: Back to the point, Lord Burrowing-
Beady Long-Legs: Lord Burrowing was an idiot. He stayed right where it was obvious the Pikmin were headed next. He refused to use other elements other then fire, and those few poison jets were stupidly placed. He also had very few guards! We should be asking how couldn't he die!
Pileated Snagret: You're just saying that because you live in the Perplexing Pool!
Beady Long-Legs: DUH! The Pikmin aren't even close, and they won't be for a long time! We here are as safe as can be!
Raging Long-Legs: Well, we got all the issues straightened out, so we can go-
Segmented Crawbster: YAY!
Raging Long-Legs: As soon as we are sure Titan Dweevil isn't insane.
Segmented Crawbster: BOO!
Raging Long-Legs: Ok, I will ask you one question Titan, and if you get it right, we can all go, if not, we stay here for three hours.
Titan Dweevil: Calm down.. Calm down... I'm not insane... I'm not insane... (Yes you are.) AHHH! WHO ARE YOU?
Raging Long-Legs: Correct! That is Nintendo's new slogan! Meeting is over!
(As everyone leaves, Raging Long-Legs and Ranging Bloyster run up to Pileated Snagret)
Raging Long-Legs: We know what you did yesterday...
Pileated Snagret: (No they don't! They can't know!) Really?
Ranging Bloyster: Yeah! You never filled out a ballot!
Pileated Snagret : (phew) Yeah, I couldn't.
Raging Long-Legs: We also know that you killed Lord Burrowing by tricking him into staying in your cave, isn't that right?
Pileated Snagret: (AH! How'd they know?) I honestly thought the Pikmin were heading elsewhere! Honest!
Ranging Bloyster: Right, well, if you slip up one more time, you get the boot!
Pileated Snagret: NO! Not that! Have mercy!
Raging Long-Legs: (looking at a large, dirty, smelly, worn out boot) Oh yeah, you have to stay in that your whole life! So no more slip-ups, no more murders, and we're all happy, got it?
Pileated Snagret: Yeah... Yeah! (leaves)
Ranging Bloyster: You see how nervous he was? He had to be the one behind it!
Raging Long-Legs: Yeah, but he still doesn't know we're on to him! I can't wait to get him back!
FIN
Will Raging Long-Legs and Ranging Bloyster catch the person who sent the bombs? Will Pileated Snagret slip up again? Will Doodlebug create an awesome new fart in time for the next meeting? Will Titan Dweevil ever become the Ruler of the Shiny Stuff? Find out... Some time during the fic. You know, I have no idea if we'll ever find out some of these... Ok, I'll shut up and get to work on the next chapter.
