"Can you repeat that, please?" Mal asked, dumbfounded.
She stood up tentatively, still looking a bit frightened. "I am your wife. That was your agreement with Elder Gommen, since he hadn't cash or livestock enough to-"
"I'm sorry. Go back to the part where you're my wife," Mal interrupted. Jayne and Zoe came running when they heard Mal's raised voice. "Zoe, why do I have a wife?" he asked.
"You got a wife?! All I got was that dumb-ass stick that sounds like it's raining. How come you got a wife?" asked Jayne.
"I didn't, we're not married," assured Mal.
"I'm sorry if I shame you..." began the woman.
"You don't shame me!" he thundered at her, clearly still befuddled. He turned to Zoe. "Get Wash down here."
Zoe hit the com button. "This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay."
Mal whirled on her, a shocked expression on his face. "All- I said Wash!"
Zoe's mouth quirked a bit, eyes dancing in amusement. "Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss."
Evie crept behind a box, self preservation keeping her hidden from Mal's clutches until she was sure he'd cooled off about the wine incident. She watched as everyone poured into the cargo bay, circling Mal and- a woman she didn't recognize.
"Who's the new recruit?" asked Shepherd Book and everyone looked at Mal and the woman curiously.
"Everyone," Zoe began, coming behind the Mal and the mystery woman and putting a hand on each of their shoulders "I want you to meet Mrs. Reynolds."
Evie's mouth fell open and she abandoned her hiding place to come out, staring at the couple. Her drunken night was the last thing on his mind right now. She looked up to where Inara had just emerged from her shuttle to hear the news and she looked upset.
"You got married?!" cried Kaylee excitedly. Simon carefully congratulated him.
"We always hoped you two kids would get together," said Wash, then, "Who is she?"
"She's no one!" Mal shouted. The woman began crying and the crew looked at him reproachfully. Mal continued to dig himself further as he continued to upset the woman in trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Finally, Book looked into an encyclopedia and determined that, according to the marriage practices on Triumph, he was, indeed betrothed.
"So what does it say about divorce?" he asked. The woman ran crying from the room.
Kaylee chastised him in Chinese and he warned her to mind her own business and told everyone to go back to what they were doing as he stalked off after her.
"Sure you're the one to to talk to her, Sir," Zoe asked.
Without turning, "Way I see it, me and her got a thing in common. We're the only ones who don't think this is funny."
Evie looked up at Inara. She doesn't think it's funny, she thought, looking at the pained expression on her face. She folded her arms and scowled. And neither do I.
Mal entered the dining room shaking his head. He'd learned that the woman's name was Saffron. He'd told her that they would reach Beaumonde in five days time and that they'd find her honest work on the planet, but she had hopped up insisting on cooking him something, claiming that she would be a good wife.
He hadn't counted on everyone being present as he sat down. Saffron set a plate before him. It smelled good. He offhandedly took a bite before looking at Zoe and Wash.
"Having yourself a little supper, Captain?" Zoe teased.
"Any more where that came from?" Wash asked hopefully, leering into his plate.
Saffron appeared at Mal's side and looked at her feet. "I didn't think to make enough for your friends," she said then looked at Zoe. "But I've everything laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband," she suggested excitedly.
Wash shot Zoe a look and laughed uncomfortably. Evie rolled her eyes from her spot at the bar/ prep area and Inara held a venomous look behind it as she sipped her tea. Book merely looked up from his Bible, Jayne scoffed and continued cleaning his gun off to the side and Kaylee and Simon sat joking in a corner, oblivious.
"Isn't she quaint?" Wash mused after a moment. He made a comment about the cider in Mal's cup. Mal pointed to the stove. Wash grabbed Mal's empty cup. "Yum. I'll give you a refill," then to Zoe, "Hon?"
Saffron snatched the glass out of his hand. "That's for me to do," she said sternly to Wash and the whole dining area grew quiet at the tension that filled the room. Saffron filled Mal's glass then stood at his side.
"Psycho," was all Evie commented, eyes intent on her own beverage as she sat on her stool.
"Excuse me?" Mal asked, turning to look at her pointedly. She shot him an evil glare.
"What? Everyone knows there's something off with this hu li jing. She's using her feminine wiles on you and you're falling for it hook, line and sinker. Actin' like a schoolboy with a crush," she said, setting her glass down hard.
Mal slowly stood up, turned and crossed his arms. "You may think you know everything, little dove, but you don't. I'd advise you to keep your trap shut from hereon out seeing as you're already in a mess of trouble already."
Suddenly angry, Evie shot out of her chair. "How dare we question the great Captain's judgment, even when we know he's being stupid!" she shouted. Everyone's eyes were wide and on her in that moment, most of them thinking that the Captain wasn't the stupid one right now.
Mal cursed and was at her side in 10 seconds flat, placing his foot on the stool and throwing her tiny body across his leg. He spanked swiftly and harshly for several seconds, then stopped, not yet letting her up. "Just 'cause you're here permanently don't mean you get to act any way you want." He spanked her a few times more. "You need to learn to mind that tongue of yours," he said as his hand connected with her backside a half a dozen more times. Finally he stopped and let her up.
She looked around the room and all eyes were on her, many of their mouths agape with shock. Her hands went to her rear and she looked back at Mal, still surprised that he had spanked her in front of everybody.
"Gonna act right, now?" he asked, placing his hands on his hips. She once again looked around the room. No one moved but a few averted her eyes. A fierce blush crept into her cheeks in embarrassment and she looked at Mal indignantly. Without warning, she shoved him and ran toward the door. He started to go after her, hell-bent on repeating his actions, but Saffron put a hand to his arm. The girl disappeared from the dining hall, no doubt heading to her room to sulk, but Mal paused, then looked at the red headed woman whom he apparently married.
"Let her go," she suggested. The rest of the crew went back to what they were doing, Book reading his bible, Wash making jokes to Zoe, Jayne mumbling to his gun, Simon and Kaylee flirting, Inara brewing more tea. Mal let Saffron gently guide him back to the table. "Children don't respond well when their parental figures are to be replaced," she said in a soothing voice.
Mal picked up his cider once again. "What are you on about, now?" he asked quizzically, most of the heat of his ire gone.
Saffron shrugged. "Well, everyone on this ship is family to her. You already know what role you play," she explained. Mal pinched the bridge of his nose, grateful that she hadn't brought up the patriarchal word that came to mind. "And now, the mother role is getting recast," she said huskily, gesturing to Inara as the companion finished pouring her tea and made an exit.
Mal chuckled. "So if Inara plays "Mama", what about the rest of 'em?" He leaned back in his seat as Saffron whispered in his ear.
First they looked at Zoe and Wash who were closest in proximity. The couple were looking at each other dotingly. "They're the god-parents, first to step up to take care of her if something were to happen to you." Mal considered with pursed lips and then decided that she was right. He then gestured to Kaylee with a flick of his eyes. "Big sister, obviously," Saffron stated.
"And the Doc?" he asked.
She considered the well-dressed man who was awkwardly trying to flirt with Kaylee and not doing a good job of it. "Brother-in-law who doesn't quite fit in yet. Trying to find his place," she answered. Mal's lips quirked at how neatly she had him pegged. His gaze rested on Shepherd Book. "Grandfather," she said simply.
"Don't let him hear you say that. All he'd say back was 'never married'," Mal said with a quick chuckle Then he nearly pointed at Jayne. "What about him," he asked, baffled as to what her response would be.
Saffron smiled wide and Mal thought she had a gorgeous smile. She considered the big mercenary whispering sweet nothings to his gun a moment. " A very, very, very strange older brother," she said finally. Mal's laughter failed to be reined in at that point and he guffawed openly. "You're pretty observant, aren't you?" Then he got quiet.
"Big happy family," Mal mused, leaning back in his seat.
