Okay, I don't know what I'm doing this weekend. I'm meant to be going away to run the 5K somewhere in the country at the BUSA competition, but I have had no word as to how or when I'm getting there. So I have no idea if I can actually go. If I don't go, I'll be pretty disappointed, but at least it will mean I won't get any more behind on reviewing stuff.

With that in mind, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to everyone who's posted stuff that I haven't reviewed yet, especially Thursday Next, who's written eight chapters of Jealousy and Other Demons, none of which I've read. I'm very sorry, and I will review everything.

It seems to have become custom here to talk about my crush list. It hasn't really changed. Except I told number 1 that I'm in love with her, and among other things it confirmed that a) she definitely doesn't swing that way, and b) I am a borderline alcoholic. But I apologised and that sort of cleared the air, which means I'm free to move on. There are a few possibilities, though I'm not really desperate to act on them just yet.

On a more fic-related note, the song Me of Me is so Vince's song, is it not. This is the whole reason I decided to write this in the first place.

Enjoy thou!


Up in the gantry, Leroy is still reading aloud from the last page of his enormous book. Sitting next to him, Rudi has fallen asleep against the railings. Yawning, Leroy finishes the book and closes it. Beneath them, Graham appears. He goes to the lighting system and pulls a switch, filling the studio with bright artificial daylight. He notices Leroy above him.

Graham: Hey!

Leroy looks down, and Graham holds up a dead snake.

Graham: Is this yours? I think it choked on a lark!

A dead bird suddenly falls from the snake's mouth, and Leroy throws his book in the air and screams.


At 11:15am, an alarm goes off in the Ape of Death's bedroom, and 'Sexyback' echoes through the room. Having sat awake all night, he gets up stiffly from the bed, crosses the room and does a little slinky dance before shutting off the alarm. He leaves the room and knocks on the bathroom door.

Ape of Death: Vince? Are you decent?

When he hears no response, he tiptoes in. he looks over to the shower, where Vince is silhouetted behind the curtain. His eyes widen and his jaw drops, and he stands there for a full minute and a half staring at Vince's silhouette.

Vince: What's that god-awful smell? You! You git, what the hell are you doing in here? Get out! Get out, you fugly minger!

Ebola enters, her eyes covered by black shadows, which may or may not be makeup. There are a few small traces of blood on her pale chest, and she looks like she hasn't slept in weeks.

Ebola: Good morning.

The Ape smiles nervously.

Ape of Death: Hello, doctor.

Vince is also somewhat nervous, noticing the blood on Ebola's skin.

Vince: Morning.

Ebola: Death, dearest, would you care to join me in a non-sex act? Mistress will be waiting for you in the wardrobe, Vince.

Vince: Brilliant.


In the Terminal ward, Howard has now been gagged, and is trying his best to scream for help.


In the wardrobe room, Anthrax is wandering around looking at the day's script with a military jacket covered in chains on her shoulders. Vince comes in, wearing a dressing gown. He looks around and sees no one.

Vince: Hello?

There is no response, but he hears Anthrax moving.

Vince: I want to see Howard.

Anthrax comes from behind a rack of clothes, wheeling a mirror.

Anthrax: Look at yourself.

Vince: I do that all the time. I want to look at Howard. I haven't seen him since I left him here.

Anthrax: You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked.

Vince: I know I am. You evidently know I am. I just wish Howard would say that to me.

Anthrax: Oh he will. But it's up to you to reawaken him. And we're giving you that chance. You can use the breakfast show to knock… Dalston… dead.

Vince: I can… But what'll I do? What'll I say? I haven't even got anything decent to wear for a breakfast show.

Anthrax just smiles, baring her fangs slightly. She pushes the mirror aside and creeps backwards back behind the rack, beckoning Vince forward with a finger.

Anthrax (singing): Ever since I was a little child,

I've known how to drive vanilla minds wild,

And when the time comes to test,

There's only one thing that works the best,

And that's a strapless backless classical little black dress.

Anthrax winks and pulls some black material onto a sewing machine, and Vince rushes over to help her.

Anthrax (singing): Well first you go rip rip rip,
Then you go snip snip snip,
Then you whip in a zip zip zip.

Vince (singing): And split it up to the hip hip hip.

Anthrax: I like the way you think.

She stands up and wraps the material sensually around Vince's shoulders. Caught up in it, he slips his dressing gown from his shoulders, and Anthrax pushes the material to his bare skin, leering at him wantonly.

Anthrax (singing): And as you strip strip strip,
You shiver, and quiver, for that soft caress
As you slip slip slip
Into that little black dress.


Ebola leads the Ape of Death into a dressing room. He dances with her mock-romantically, winking and leering, and she responds out of a mixture of politeness, flattery and morbid curiosity.

Ape of Death (singing): Ever since I was a juvenile,

I've always felt that PVC and studs was the epitome of style.

And that look, like you've just been through hell

Is one that you pull off so well,

So call me "Sir", that's what you heard, don't tell your bird,

And this won't turn into a little black mess.

He is about to throw Ebola down onto the sofa, which Ebola actually seems rather excited about, when Anthrax appears at the door, with Vince, now dressed in a lacy black dress with a huge slit in one side, with a ripped sleeve on one side and coming to under his arm on the other, with black fingerless gloves, the one on the sleeved arm coming to his wrist and the one on the unsleeved arm coming to just over the elbow, a wide-brimmed black hat and blood red stilettos.

Anthrax: The sweet transvestite!

Vince shimmies past her, showing off his outfit, and jumps onto the table.

Vince (singing): Well first you go rip rip rip,
Then you go snip snip snip,
Then you whip in a zip zip zip.

Anthrax lustfully strokes his bare thigh.

Anthrax (singing):And split it up to the hip hip hip.

Vince begins to dance more teasingly.

Vince (singing): And as you strip strip strip,
You shiver, and quiver, for that soft caress
As you slip slip slip
Into that little black dress.

Vince grins, and starts kicking glasses and champagne bottles from the table, delighting in the smashing sound.

Vince (singing): That minimal,

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): Minimal!

Vince (singing): Criminal,

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): Criminal!

Vince (singing): Siniful little black dress!

The others step back a little as Vince continues to wreak destruction on the table, Anthrax watching proudly, while Ebola looks at Vince like her saviour and the Ape leers.

Ebola (singing): Let's face it, Thrax, that basic black is coming back!

Ape of Death (singing): Let's face it, Thrax, that basic black is coming back!

Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): Let's face it, Thrax, that basic black is coming back!

Vince (singing): That minimal,

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): Minimal!

Vince (singing): Criminal,

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): Criminal!

Vince (singing): Siniful little black dress!

Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape spread themselves decadently over the sofa, and Vince falls elegantly on top of them.


In the main studio, the stage manager is attempting to wake up the audience.

Stage Manager: Come on people, rise and shine! I know it's only just gone twelve-thirty, but word has it, Vince might be out very soon!

At this, the audience begins to wake up. The door to the dressing room opens, and the audience cheer as Vince comes down, followed by Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape of Death. At the bottom of the stairs, Lester, Lance, Monkey and Monkey's omnipresent camera crew are waiting to meet them. Neon and Ultra, both now wearing fluorescent pink outfits, including fishnet gauntlets, leggings and footless tights, shorts and miniskirts, layered tops and war paint, are standing nearby, looking like they've just eaten a wasps' nest.

Monkey: Vince, I cannot tell you how excited I am... for you. We have a band, and dancers, and dry ice standing by. Leroy is indisposed, so Lance will have to do your introduction.

Vince pushes Lance away with the tips of his fingers.

Vince: I don't need introductions.

On the gantry, Leroy gasps, shocked. Lance sits on Leroy's desk on the smaller soundstage and pouts. He speaks like he has a wasps' nest of his own in his mouth at that moment.

Lance: The fabulous, the golden, the very wonderful-

Neon and Ultra invade his camera space, flipping the bird to the camera with both hands.

Neon/ Ultra (simultaneously): Vince!

On the main stage, Vince is illuminated, surrounded by the smoke of dry ice.

Vince (singing): There's just the two of me,

Alone at last together.

We've got the luck so far.

We are my lucky star.

A funky beat begins, and Vince steps down from his set, which resembles a Greek temple. Neon and Ultra appear behind him, abandoning the script they have been given and going mental in the smoke. Vince ignores them, and maintains his aloof atmosphere.

Vince (singing): Deep in the heart of me,

I love every part of me.

All I can see in me

Is the danger and ecstasy.

He stands right in front of the camera, eyeing it up as both a threat and a lover as he sings.

Vince (singing): One thing there couldn't be

Is any more me in me.

He moves away from the camera, and within a second, Neon and Ultra are there in his place, terrifying the cameraman with their manic grins and sharp moves.

Neon/ Ultra (singing): This is the me of me!

Me me me!

Vince ascends the stairs to the audience's seats, removing his hat and holding it.

Vince (singing): Me me!

Me me me!

He throws his hat like a Frisbee, and there is a surge in the audience as they jump up to catch it. Vince leaves them and returns to the soundstage.

Vince (singing): I am my destiny.

Je croirai toujours en moi, ha ha.

I never lie to me,

I'd be willing to die for moi.

He sashays over to the sectioned off are where the band are playing and pushes over the partitions shielding them from view. Seeing this, the security rush over to stop him, but are beaten back by Neon and Ultra, who have come to join in.

Vince (singing): I'll pray every day to me,

And here's what I'd say to me:

Neon/ Ultra (singing): This is the me of me!

Me me me!

Vince dances among the band with an animalistic look on his face, pounding the drum kit and stealing a guitar.

Vince (singing): Me me!

Me me me!

Me me me!

Me me me!

He runs into his temple set, still playing the stolen guitar, and then positions himself directly before it.

Vince (singing): Aaaaaorgh! Me me!

Me me me!

Yeah! Me me!

Look at me!

Moi moi!

The music ends, and Neon and Ultra appear in the background with two nervous-looking and rather bloodied security guards reluctantly following them and proceed to tear down the set. Watching on a monitor, Harold Boon seems to have almost been having an orgasm. The audience applaud and scream Vince's name, and Leroy runs from the gantry, with Rudi following him. At the desk on the smaller soundstage, Lester smiles like he's constipated, while Lance still looks like he has a wasps' nest in his mouth.

Lance: And you can see and hear Vince tonight on Faith Factory, brought to you by Harold Boon.

Various crew members rush to Vince to congratulate him. The guitarist takes his instrument back, and the band shower Vince with compliments. Neon and Ultra approach urgently.

Neon: We need to talk to you!

They are shoved out of the way by Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape of Death, who jump on Vince, kissing and embracing him.

Ape of Death: Brilliant! Out of self came selflessness!

Vince: Yeah, speaking of selflessness; your hair, mate.

Ebola: You've revealed yourself. The real you. The secret you.

Anthrax: And you liked what you saw, didn't you Vince.

As Vince is about to answer, Leroy barges past the doctors.

Leroy: How's Howard?

Vince is flustered for a moment, but grins and recovers.

Vince: Well, if he caught my act, he'll be looking good. It seems I'm his medicine, so we're off to give him another spoonful. See you later, Leroy.

Vince walls off with the Ape of Death and the doctors following him, leaving Leroy alone with Rudi. Leroy looks back at Rudi, his face full of worry.


Over at the coffee stand, Pete is raving to everyone about Vince's performance. Mrs Gideon and Tommy Nooka stand next to his stall, deadpan.

Pete: Wasn't he a knockout!

Gideon: Thank you.

Pete: He was terrific! Sexyyyyyy!

Tommy: What? He was a boy in a dress.

Pete: But, at the same time… ironic, masculine. How's Howard.

Gideon/ Tommy (simultaneously): He's fine.

Pete: Lucky git, with a twinkie like that for a partner.

Tommy: Yeah, he is.

They walk away, irate. Leroy and Rudi appear in their place.

Leroy: Give me a coffee, Pete, I'm dying.

Pete slams an empty cup upside down on the counter.

Pete: RIP, Leroy. You're off the air.

Leroy storms off, with Rudi close behind, heading for his research lab.

Leroy: What's going on, Rudi? Vince is on the afternoon breakfast show, Howard's committed to a nowhere series, and we've been-

He tries his key in the lock, and it refuses to turn.

Rudi: Written out.


The Dalstonvale logo appears. Mrs Gideon and Tommy are in the Terminal ward.

Voice over: Dalstonvale: The Mission of Mercy. Starring the increasingly popular Vince Noir-Moon.

Vince enters, grinning and catlike.

Vince: Hi G-G, hi Tommy. Hi Howard, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Howard, fully conscious at this point, attempts to scream in shock through his gag.

Gideon: Vince! Where's that beautiful outfit I found for you?

Vince: Oh, Anthrax just whipped up this little crowd-pleaser for me.

Tommy: You're wearing a dress!

Vince shakes his behind sexily.

Vince: I know. With nothing underneath to spoil the line.

Howard attempts to voice his shock, but is unable to because of the gag.

Gideon: My god, Vince, how can you say such things? Look at your husband. Look what they've done to him.

Howard makes a choked sound that sounds vaguely like "thank you". At that moment, Anthrax, Ebola, the Ape of Death, Johnny and Diva burst through into the ward.

Anthrax: Oh, hello. You must be the stalkers.

Tommy: Are you the doctor.

Anthrax: I am.

Tommy: There's going to have to be an investigation. There are laws against this.

Vince: It's for his own good, Tommy.

Ape of Death: Vincey!

Vince: The Ape!

They run over and embrace, Vince beginning to mess with the Ape's hair. There is a general cry of excitement as everyone tries to get a hug out of Vince, until he sits down on a bench with the Ape.

Tommy: What's going on here?

Anthrax opens the door to the cage, and Mrs Gideon and Tommy follow her and Ebola in.

Anthrax: The patient was in great danger of doing himself harm.

Ebola: We only want what's best for him. Surely, as his stalkers-in-law, you must understand.

Tommy: No I don't. Howard doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey. There are drugs to keep him quiet.

Ebola: Dearest, we did use them. All of them.

Gideon: None of them worked?

Ebola: No.

Tommy: Double the strengths.

Ebola: We did. We doubled the drugs. Tripled the drugs. We found a fox that was partially made of drugs.

Anthrax: Nothing worked.

Ebola: And we know how you feel.

The doctors grin wickedly.

Ebola: We're not strangers to confusion.

Gideon: We're not confused.

Tommy: I am, god damn it. You trust Howard with this masochistic gothic nymphomaniac?

Vince sneers to the Ape of Death, and makes an "ooh, bitchy" laugh. Anthrax and Ebola leave the cage and circle it.

Anthrax (singing): I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself,

I've been a cynic for too many years.

She and Ebola meet on one side of the cage, and Anthrax strokes Ebola's waist.

Anthrax (singing): Playing doctor and nursey can be good for your health;

I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers.

Ebola moves away from her, circling the cage the other way, them coming to the door and closing it with Tommy and Mrs Gideon inside.

Ebola (singing): But if you open your heart to a smooth operator,

She'll take you for all that you've got.

She'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later.

It'll shake you the way she takes off,

Like a shot.

Anthrax (singing) You need a bit of-

Johnny/ Diva (singing): Ooh, shock treatment.

Anthrax (singing): Gets you jumping like a real livewire.

You need a bit of-

Johnny/ Diva (singing): Ooh, shock treatment.

Anthrax (singing): So look out mister,

Don't you blow your last resistor

For a vista that'll mystify ya.

Diva climbs on the bars of the cage as Vince dances with the Ape behind her, occasionally reaching up to mess with his hair.

Diva (singing): You're blinded by romance, you're blinded by science,

Your condition is critically grave.

But don't expect mercy from such an alliance;

Suspicion of tradition's so new wave.

Anthrax swings her way into the cage, pouncing on Tommy and Mrs Gideon.

Anthrax (singing): You need a bit of-

Outside the cage, Vince poses on the bench as Johnny takes a photo.

Vince (singing): Ooh, shock treatment.

Anthrax (singing): Gets you jumping like a real livewire.

You need a bit of-

Vince is now joined by the Ape of Death, his hair looking much better than it did earlier.

Vince/ Ape of Death (singing): Ooh, shock treatment.

Tommy and Mrs Gideon leave the cage to pose with Vince and the Ape, while Anthrax wraps herself around Howard's shoulders, teasing him with a needle.

Anthrax (singing): So look out mister,

Don't you blow your last resistor

For a sister that'll certify ya.

'Fy ya, 'fy ya.

You need a bit of-

Vince/ Ape of Death/ Gideon/ Tommy (singing): Ooh, shock treatment.

Anthrax (singing): Gets you jumping like a real livewire.

Ebola and Diva join the pose.

Anthrax (singing): You need a bit of-

Vince/ Ape of Death/ Gideon/ Tommy/ Ebola/ Diva (singing): Ooh, shock treatment.

Anthrax (singing): So look out mister,

Don't you blow your last resistor

For a sister that'll certify ya.

'Fy ya, 'fy ya, 'fy ya, 'fy ya.

Anthrax leaves the cage and joins the others in a manic war dance out of the ward, leaving Howard alone. In the gantry above, Leroy and Rudi watch them.

Leroy: Look at that- the Ape of Death. People are going near him without heaving. The Ape of Death isn't repulsive!

Rudi: This is macabre indeed.


Vince and the other are still dancing when they arrive in the main soundstage, where several crew members arrive to meet them.

Lester: Hey, Vince. Welcome to the Faith Factory. We're all real excited about this.

Vince: Thank you.

Some scene shifters come past in the background, carrying between them a huge portrait of Harold Boon, which Vince looks at in awe.

Vince: Wow. Do I get one of those?

Lester looks at some set designers for conformation.

Lester: Erm… yes? Yes, course you do.

A crowd forms around Vince, and he stays to say hi to a few people for a moment before he is pulled away to the dressing room. Emerging from the crowd, Ultra, now dressed in an outfit which on her passes for normal, grabs Lester and spins him to face her.

Ultra: Corncrake, you promised you'd get me in there.

Lester: Later on, girl.

Ultra punches him in the gut.

Ultra: I have a name, Corncrake.

She storms off. Lester sighs and nudges the Ape of Death.

Lester: Hey, the Ape, mind if I have a word?

The Ape passes Ebola, who instantly scowls, a bottle of pills and follows Lester away. The others usher Vince into the dressing room, as the crowd chants repeatedly "Vince, Vince, we want Vince!" Monkey, followed by her omnipresent crew, runs after them.

Monkey: Vince! A quick word please! Could you tell us, what exactly you will be presenting tonight?

Vince gives a flawless starlet smile.

Vince: Sanity for Today.

The crowd applauds as Vince is pushed up the stairs to the dressing room.

Monkey: Those were the words of Vince Noir-Moon, DTV's newest star. Let's move on…

The crowd disperses, and Lester, the Ape of Death and the stage manager huddle together behind the stairs.

Lester: How's Howard.

Ape of Death: He's a wreck.

Lester looks a little uncomfortable about this, but doesn't vocalise it.

Lester: And you're sure we can trust those goths?

Ape of Death: Of course. As long as they get a few people to tie up and take advantage of, and occasionally test experimental drugs on, they won't cause any trouble.

Lester: Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Vincey a few favours, y'know what I mean…

The other two stare at him.

Ape of Death: It's time we checked in with Boon.

He pulls the end off the riding whip he is carrying, revealing an aerial. In the room with the monitors in, Harold Boon picks up the phone.

Boon: Hit me.


In the dressing room, Anthrax and Ebola are mixing cocktails, while Vince stands around looking bored and Lance Dior, looking as pissed off as usual, writes furiously on a notepad.

Lance: Anything else you'd like?

Vince: Yeah. A new carpet. I hate this colour. And it clashes with the walls.

Ebola: It's only one night, darling. Don't forget who we're doing this for.

Vince: Who?

Anthrax: Howard.

Vince: I'm so sick of hearing about that "emotional cripple"! I've got a lot going for me, y'know. I'm going places. I am someone. I am gonna win my way up that ladder to the sky even if I have to kill to do it. I'll make these pathetic bitches love me.

Ebola and Anthrax share a glance, and both are quite worried.

Vince: I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you. I should be with my people.

Vince strolls out, swinging his hips. The sound of the crowd still chanting "Vince, Vince, we want Vince!" floats in, and the doctors share another glance, this time shocked and furious. Anthrax passes Ebola a handful of pills, and Ebola, smiling craftily, drops them into Vince's cocktail. Outside, the band rush to under the balcony on the gantry, jumping over Neon and Ultra, who have evidently been waiting much longer than they have, desperate to see him. The crowd cheers and Vince waves at them.

Leadsinger: Hey Vince!

Vince looks down and sees the band, with Neon and Ultra pushing through them, and smiles.

Guitarist: Man, you are great!

Vince: Thank you.

Ultra: Vince! I think you're in danger!

The band scoff at her. The bassist shoves her in the arm, and Neon returns the favour by punching him in the face.

Neon: Vince, you need to listen to us!

By now Vince has already lost interest and has gone back to waving at the audience. Ebola comes out and passes him a cocktail.

Ebola: This is Vince. He's a phenomenon.

Vince (singing): So if you're looking for a standard

To which you can aspire,

Then baby, look at me!

Whooaaaa- ooaaa!

Look at me!

The band and the audience cheer, drowning out the cries of Neon and Ultra, and Vince stumbles, to be caught by Ebola.

Ebola: I think you need a little rest, dear. You've got a very exciting night ahead of you.

She leads him in, and he is already beginning to look weaker.

Ultra (calling after him hopelessly): That cocktail's probably spiked…


Outside the dressing room, Leroy and Rudi are hanging around pretending to talk on pay phones, listening in on the interviews going on nearby.

Lance: I think the Faith Factory will work out as an exciting new series for us too.

Lester: Not to mention it'll leave Dalston raking in the money.

Monkey: And is it true you've both celebrated this by having matching cosmetic operations?

Leroy (under his breath): What did I tell you?

Lance: You'll have to find out and see. All I will say is that the Faith Factory will unveil a new look which will show off some old faces in an exciting new light.

Leroy (under his breath): Did you hear that, Rudi?

Rudi (under his breath): Yes. And a false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.

Lester: No, I don't know what Vince's next move'll be, but you can be sure that it all starts right here.

Monkey: Thank you.

Lester and Lance drop their smiles and leave for the dressing room.

Monkey: That was the word from Lester Corncrake and Lance Dior.

Monkey and her crew leave, and Leroy and Rudi remove themselves from hiding.

Leroy: Rudi, what are we gonna do?

Rudi looks at the glowing sign, pointing to the dressing room one way, and the wardrobe room in the other.

Rudi: Would you care to… indulge?

He says the final word as though it is a dirty, guilty pleasure.

Leroy (coyly): Indulge?

Rudi: Yes. In a little masquerade.

They walk off in the direction of the wardrobe.


The Dalstonvale logo appears.

Voice-over: Dalstonvale. A situation for the stalkers.

Howard is still tied and gagged in his cage, and Tommy Nooka and Mrs Gideon are pacing around, obviously worrying about something.

Gideon: Tommy, what are we going to do?

Tommy: I don't know, G-G… maybe I could wear that big straw hat.

Gideon: No, if anything that just emphasises how big your head really is.

Howard gives a spaced-out groan.

Gideon: It's alright… Howard. Have another sedative.

She pulls a bottle from her handbag, pushes Howard's gag away and pours a fairly large amount of pills into his mouth before replacing the gag. When she speaks again, it is as though she is speaking to a particularly stupid child.

Gideon: We'll miss you on the show tonight.

She leaves the cage and locks it, and she and Tommy head for the exit.

Tommy: What about the white fedora?

Gideon: No, makes you look even more yellow.

When they are gone, Howard groans again. He sees the doors open, and Vince is standing there, smiling, in a hazy red light.

Vince: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Howard groans, and blinks to see that the door is closed and there is no one there.


In the dressing room, Vince is in a deep drug-induced sleep, with an empty glass in his hand and a slice of orange on his thigh. Ebola walks past and takes the glass, then picks off the orange slice and pops it into her mouth, spilling a little juice onto Vince's thigh, which she licks off savouringly. In Vince's dream, he is walking through the corridor of Dalstonvale. He opens the door to the Ape of Death's room, where the Ape is sitting up on the side of the bed.

Ape of Death: Face it Vince, Howard's an emotional cripple.

He moves to Anthrax and Ebola's bedroom, where they are sitting on the far side of the bed, looking over their shoulders to him, and dressed in the kimono and corset they wore the night before.

Anthrax: Quite frankly…

Ebola: … he hates you.

They look at each other and laugh cruelly, before Anthrax pushes Ebola down and bears down on her. He moves to another room, which contains a TV with a still image of Harold Boon on the screen.

Boon's voice (from TV): Time's tight, Vince. Do it right, Vince. Until tonight. Vince…

Vince is now sitting in the wheelchair in Howard's cage. He looks up to see the doors open, and Howard is standing there, still in his straightjacket, in the same hazy red light.

Howard: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

In a split second, Vince is now standing at the end of the corridor. He walks forward sexily but unsteadily.

Vince (singing): I'm on a cul-de-sac

And I've gotta go back,

So come on feet,

We're gonna hit the streets.

We've got it made.

I'm lookin' for trade.

As Vince walks past, a side door opens to reveal Howard, straightjacketed, in his cage.

Howard (singing): I'm lookin' for love!

The doors close.

Vince (singing): I'm lookin' for trade.

He turns a corner into another corridor.

Vince (singing): I need some young blood,

I need some young blood,

I need it now.

I need some young blood,

I need some young blood.

Another door opens to reveal Neon and Ultra, dressed in slashed versions of the faux-snakeskin top that Mrs Gideon found for Vince, wearing them as dresses without trousers, with black and red makeup. The band, dressed in white fifties-style suits, stand behind them.

Neon/ Ultra (singing): And we're gonna get it somehow.

Vince walks around them as the band plays pool, and Neon and Ultra stand around glaring evilly at them.

Vince (singing): I'm on a dead-end street.

I'm like a dog in heat.

I'm like a kid with no toys,

I wanna get those boys.

Oh, I can't be delayed.

I'm lookin' for trade.

Vince steps back out through the doors, and behind him Howard is now lying on the pool table, helpless in his straightjacket.

Howard (singing): I'm lookin' for love!

The doors close.

Vince (singing): I'm lookin' for trade.

Neon an Ultra are now in Anthrax and Ebola's office, which is filled with arcade games. They are playing the old Rocky Horror computer game on one.

Neon (singing): Oh, we're all living like there's no tomorrow.

Ultra (singing): And the way things are going, that's probably true.

Neon (singing): But without you and me, sis,

The world'd fall to pieces.

Vince appears in front of them.

Vince (singing): Buena cava, who's the raver?

Neon/ Ultra (singing): Our raving saviour, that's you.

Vince leaves, and is now standing in front of the door to the Terminal ward.

Vince (singing): I'm on the primrose path.

I'm lookin' for a laugh.

Remember, it's no fun

To be the chosen one.

There are games to be played

Lookin' for trade.

As he walks down the corridor, another door opens to reveal Howard in his wheelchair in the bathroom.

Howard (singing): I'm lookin' for love!

The doors close.

Vince (singing): I'm lookin' for trade.

He exits to the alley set, where Neon, Ultra and the band are leaning against the walls, like characters in an old gangster film.

Vince (singing): I need some

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): Young blood!

Vince (singing): I need some

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): Young blood!

Vince (singing): I need it now.

Vince (singing): I need some

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): Young blood!

Vince (singing): I need some

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): Young blood!

Vince (singing): And I'm gonna get it somehow.

I'm lookin' for trade!

He drops, and is suddenly aware of Ebola's face looming over him.

Ebola: Vince. Vince. Wake up, darling. You've got guests.

Vince comes to, and realises he is still lying where he passed out on the sofa.

Ebola: You can come in now!

The band rush in and stand over him, grinning.

Leadsinger: Hi Vince!

Vince: Who are you?

Guitarist: We're your band.

Vince: Do you have any friends?

Leadsinger: Sure.

Vince: You won't have soon.

He drops into a dead faint.