Enter: Uchiha Sasuke. And I'm warning you, these will not be the pairings you were expecting. There might be a bit of OOCness. The pairings will be a surprise.
The Shipping Experiment
Chapter II
Enter Uchiha Sasuke
On Screen
"And now, we will be doing various examinations to determine the candidate's personality… And their possible perfect fit." Tsunade explained, her eyes staring directly at the camera. She must make sure that the experiment made sense to those watching it. "Some of these examinations include the perusal of living space, and various questionnaires."
Jiraiya looked over at Tsunade before he wiggled his eyebrows. "You can tell many things from a person's home," he said, selling the show.
But it was the pale man besides him that sold it further. "Yes-s. A great many things-s."
Behind The Scenes
"What exactly are you trying to say, Jiraiya?" Tsunade said, and it came out sounding like a snarl.
"You know exactly what I'm trying to say, Tsunade," he wiggled his eyebrows once more. Tsunade would've felt lost if it weren't for Jiraiya's eyes - and for their gaze that dropped lower… and lower… and lower…
Tsunade scowled, her hand forming a fist.
"I mean, I will finally end up learning the truth about those babies-"
The fist went straight into Jiraiya's face.
.
Behind The Scenes
"So this is the great Sasuke Uchiha," the middle aged woman said, her lips forming a smirk. She was very blatantly staring at the very famous young male in front of her - when she had read his application, she almost couldn't believe her eyes. Almost, because her eyes were extremely trustworthy.
The young man in question was sulking heavily. How dare they, he fumed. How dare they actually accept Kakashi's (because of course it was written by him) half assed application! How dare they-
No, they were not the ones to blame, he reminded himself. The one to blame was standing next to him nonchalantly - he was the root of all of this. His pain, his suffering, his tears-
The grey haired man elbowed the actor without remorse. "Stop being melodramatic, Sasuke," he whispered, his mask also helping to muffle the sound.
Sasuke flinched. It had occurred to him - more than one time but - was Kakashi a mindreader?!
On Screen
"It's-s very nice to meet you, S-sasuke," Orochimaru murmured, his snaky eyes lighting up in interest. "I've heard a great many things-s about you."
But who hasn't? Of course they've heard a lot about him - he was famous. But if he wasn't - god damn it, that comment would have been creepy. It already was, if he wanted to be very honest. But he couldn't betray his inward emotions because this was being recorded on camera - therefore, his fans would be able to see him. He could not afford to look weak (or uncool) in front of his fans.
Sasuke was very careful with that. "Likewise. What is your specialty as a psychologist?" He asked, not very curious. But at the very least, he'd show some common curtesy.
Orochimaru smiled, as if that was the question he'd been waiting for.
"S-sexologist," he admitted, his tongue (which was very long, Sasuke thought in horror) licking his teeth. "I've had more than one course on it. My colleague, Jiriaya, was s-somewhat jealous." The colleague in question muttered curses under his breath.
"…" said Sasuke, his obsidian eyes flicking over to Kakashi. How could he do this to him? How could he leave the fate of his marriage to these… these… psychos?
Kakashi only shrugged his shoulders, nonchalant as always.
Behind The Scenes
Kakashi had to scold Sasuke, who was standing silently while staring into the distance, pondering over the meaning of life.
"You have to sell the show, Sasuke!" he explained impatiently, particularly annoyed at the fact he had to take a break from his erotic manga books. "Stop acting like a newbie!"
"Maybe I am a newbie... an insignificant speck of dust among the plethora of space which is the universe," Jiraiya looked impressed at his choice of vocabulary, while Kakakshi sighed like he wasn't paid enough to deal with him. Which he was. The damn thief took 25 percent of his income.
"I'm glad you've realised this. Now if you don't mind, hurry up and sell yourself to the audience - and for christ's sake, stop looking like a lost child!"
"But I don't wanna get married," Sasuke's wail went unheard.
.
On Screen
"So, Sasuke, we'll begin with our first question on the list," Tsunade sounded exceptionally professional (for once), "why did you decide to join us on the hunt for a partner?"
Sasuke avoided glaring at Kakashi but it was impossible. "Because," he struggled getting through the next words, "I feel like it's time for me to settle down," urgh "with someone that will love me for who I am, and not what I do." Did he just say that? Sasuke felt like puking and drinking alcohol at the same time. "It's hard to find someone like that in the celebrity world," now he was being truthful, actually, "and I'm hoping that you all will be able to help me meet someone that's out of my comfort zone."
Acting had never been as hard as it was now.
Tsunade smiled. "That's sweet, Sasuke," she murmured, and while she seemed genuine, Sasuke knew she was laughing at him on the inside. They were all laughing at him. Hell, he'd even be laughing at himself if they were not airing on national television (possibly international later on). "Now that we've established that... let's move onto the second question. Now, I'm sure you've been asked this question many times, as a famous singer, but for my own research, I must ask you again: what are you searching for in a partner?"
Sasuke felt like his head was a blank sheet of paper, and that Tsunade had spoken to him in ancient Greek. Partner? What is that? What is searching? What were words?
Speak out of your ass, Sasuke, he tried to think, but then was reminded that depending on what he said, that was the partner that he'd be getting married to. Fuck this shit. "Someone like..." was there a female that he didn't hate? Sasuke thought hard about it. Oh yes. His mother. She was wonderful - and she always cooked wonderfully, too. Sasuke had always had a spot for good food. "My mother," he declared, and Tsunade's eyebrows shot up like she wasn't expecting that response - and she wasn't - it was a typical nerd boy response, and Sasuke Uchiha was never the type to seem or look like a nerd.
"And what is your mother like?" she further questioned, not letting him off with just that (embarrassing) answer.
"Long dark hair, kind, strong, and cooks well," he described, a bit vague, but he reckoned it was good enough.
"Is there anything else that you would want in a partner?" Tsunade stressed further, deciding that the details she had weren't detailed enough. She had to know if she wanted to make a good match for him. That, and it was kind of funny to watch him struggle as he answered her queries.
He wanted everything but a fangirl, but he wasn't sure how to phrase that without making his fans hate him. "I would like for her to be gentle and quiet. And a challenge for me." He finally decided that an answer like that was acceptable enough. Tsunade nodded, finally putting him out of his misery.
"What do you want out of this marriage?" he had spoken too soon. No, she was just getting started. What did he want out of marriage? Well, how could he phrase this: he didn't want marriage in the fucking first place, damn it. And now here was this blonde woman with huge knockers asking him what he wanted out of something that he didn't want in the first place. This time he'd fire Kakashi. He swore to god.
"I want her to say welcome home when I come back from work," he rambled, saying anything that came to mind. "I want her to listen to me while I tell her about work. I want to relax with her, and have her relax me. A homely kind of feeling."
Tsunade listened intently and nodded when he was finished. "Thank you, Sasuke," she told him formally. "Those were all the questions from me, and now I'll be handing you over to Jiraiya." She turned to the camera. "Thank you for listening, and I hope you join us after a small break!"
Behind The Scenes
"You did it on purpose, you fucking bitch," Sasuke seethed, looking positively livid.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Sasuke," she answered back, trying to look innocent. "Those were only the standard questions."
"You - you," the Uchiha was about to go and bitch slap her or something (he was not one to discriminate over gender) but Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him from doing something stupid. "Oh, now you decide to come and act like a manager," he drawled sarcastically, not turning to face him. "And if you want to know, I blame you. This. Is. All. Your. Fault."
"Good to know," the silver haired man said agreeably, and Sasuke swore that one day - one day - he'd murder him in his sleep... when he was least expecting it.
.
On Screen
Sasuke stared at the man before him, chills steadily creeping up his spine (and he couldn't understand why). The look it his eye was rather unnerving - almost appreciative. Sasuke had been attacked by many gay men before, but he'd usually been able to escape them quickly. If this sickly pale man was gay, there wasn't a way for him to escape him any time soon (because of a certain damnable manager). Instead he'd have to bear it as those creepy yellow snake-like eyes visually raped him.
He waited for Orochumari or whatever to say something, but the guy wasn't budging. It felt so awkward, but Sasuke wasn't one to succumb to pressure. But - damn it all - Orachimoro was making his life difficult, up to the point where he couldn't take it any longer.
"Will you be asking me questions?" Sasuke asked, trying not to show how weak he felt for giving in. All he ever seemed to do was give in, these days.
"Yes-s," the 'psychologist' answered, and turned to face the camera. "With Tsunade, we explored what you are s-searching for in a partner, or rather your s-significant other. With me, we will be exploring you, S-sasuke." He gave a crooked smile with his teeth the colour of his eyes. Sasuke tried not to twitch and run away screaming. "Your thoughts-s and your feelings," he added, making the statement a bit more redeemable.
"..." Sasuke managed to say intelligibly, saving his reputation by looking away from the camera. If he ever had to come face to face with the face he was currently making, he wasn't sure how he'd face the shame.
"So, S-sasuke," he continued soothly, as if he hadn't said or done anything creepy at all, "What can you tell us-s about you? How would you describe yourself briefly?"
How could he describe himself in a way that didn't seem narcissistic but was still charming and confident was the real question here. To be frank, Sasuke was a bit more in his element here - he'd just have to deal with Orochiwawa the same way he dealt with other reporters, journalists, paparazzi and the like. "I'm a perfectionist," he stated, which was the general response that he used to excuse his habits to the rest of the world. "I can't publish my work without it being the best I can possibly make it - even if that means there's only one hair out of place and that I'd have to redo the whole project all over again."
"What is-s your favourite colour?" Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. How the hell did that have anything to do with anything? The psychologist - more like a half-assed tabloid journalist, Sasuke thought bitterly - turned to the camera. "Colour is a big indicator of a person's personality. Cooler, darker tones-s tend to indicate a more s-serious personality while brighter tones like yellow and orange tend to s-symbolise bright and fun-loving people." What a load of rubbish, Sasuke thought, rolling his eyes. He might've laughed if the situation wasn't so dire - these idiots were deciding who he was marrying, for crying out loud.
"S-sasuke?" He questioned, indicating to the Uchiha that he was expecting a response. Sasuke frowned. How was he supposed to say 'black' without sounding like an emo?
"I quite like navy blue," he finally said, recognising that the colour was close enough to black. It would have to do.
"Interesting," was the murmured reply. "I'm sure you'd be glad to know, S-sasuke, I have one last question - what would you say is the most important thing to you?"
That was quite a good question and it made Sasuke feel a little impressed. What was the most important thing to him? His pride? His career? His life? No, above everything else, the most important thing had to be - "My family," acknowledging that although his brother was an annoying pain in the ass, although his father was an arrogant prick, and although his mother was an irredeemable worry-wart, he wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
"Well, thank you for s-staying with us-s until now. Please join us-s after a s-small break, as we move on to explore what lies-s within S-sasuke Uchiha's living s-space!"
Behind The Scenes
"By the way, S-sasuke, my name is Orochimaru. O-ro-chi-ma-ru."
Sasuke's face reddened then rapidly whitened. He excused himself from the room under the pretext of a toilet break.
It left Orochimaru to look at the spot where he disappeared off to, an unnaturally large smirk on his face.
.
Behind The Scenes
"Kakashi," Sasuke growled, staring at the camera crew that were beginning to invade his personal space. "Why the fuck are they here?!"
"I thought Orochimaru had already told you, Sasuke. You should've paid attention." The silver haired man shrugged, turning a page in his book (that was clearly aimed at the intelligent side of society, Sasuke was sure). In order not to show weakness, he wouldn't mention how he had been too focused on not running away with his tail behind his legs to pay attention to whatever the fuck that creep was saying.
"Whatever the case, they're starting to film soon," Kakashi observed and walked to where the camera men were.
On Screenu
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, we are back with your favourite show, the Shipping Experiment! Before the break, we approached Sasuke with multiple questions about himself and about what he wished his future partner and wife to be. Now, rather than making him answer any more questions, we will analyse the scene ourselves! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Sasuke Uchiha's most personal and private space: the apartment he lives in!"
Sasuke could almost imagine the cheers that would erupt at the end of Jiraiya's grand speech. He almost felt like he was on a football pitch, and that the crowd was eagerly watching him fight against his opponent. In this case, the opponent was the world - Kakashi and Jiraiya especially.
The Uchiha was about to step forward and give Jiraiya a piece of his mind, but his manager stopped him. "Remember, Sasuke, you aren't supposed to be here. We're just following Jiraiya around to make sure he doesn't do something... And so I can monitor the progress of this show." Kakashi nodded, serious for once.
"Why did he come in from out of nowhere?!"
"That was kind of the point," Kakashi replied, his eye twinkling. "To observe you in your natural habitat."
"What is that supposed to-" Jiraiya interrupted his angry hiss mid-sentence.
"As we can see, everything is quite orderly," Jiraiya mentioned, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "So Sasuke wasn't lying when he said he was a perfectionist. His living room also seems to be quite sparse, providing all the necessities. Hmm... a woman's touch is missing." Well obviously, Sasuke thought, rolling his eyes. "It seems very black and white..." Jiraiya was no longer Jiraiya: Sasuke had renamed him to Captain Obvious. "From this we can assume that he is a simple man. He enjoys simple things, and does not like the complicated... Or is simple under a complicated pretext."
What?! Sasuke wondered if Jiraiya had a couple of screws loose. Or maybe he was trying to accommodate to his 'mysterious' image. Sasuke hoped this was the case.
"Let's move onto his bedroom," The white haired man called out, and there was a spark of expectancy in his eyes. Upon entering however, his spark died. For his room was plain white, with a single bed and black covers and a nightstand with a lamp on it. Sasuke would've put a television in there, but he normally had no time to watch it. "Once more, his bedroom is the same style as his living room.." the spark had died, and all that's left was disappointed. Sasuke wondered what the man was expecting.
"This shows that he doesn't spend much time at home. As expected of such a busy celebrity. And he seems to be always on guard, as even his most private space, his room, is squeaky clean..." Jiraiya shook his head. "There's nothing more to this story. I have gathered all I need to gather. Thank you for staying with us until the end, and we hope to see you next episode!"
Behind The Scenes
As soon as he was finished, the psychologist walked up to Sasuke and patted his hand in sympathy. "It's alright Sasuke, we'll find a woman whose body will make even you think dirty things. We can't have a man such as yourself be a virgin, of all things." Jiraiya shook his head, as if he had come to a problem that he couldn't understand. "It's alright," he continued to murmur and pat the stunned Sasuke. "We'll fix you," he muttered one last time before walking out, almost as if he was in a daze.
Kakashi looked at him, with matching sympathy. "You're a virgin, Sasuke?"
"Shut the hell up," Sasuke said weakly, collapsing on his bed. He had just never found a woman that he trusted enough to have sex with. Was that so wrong?! What was up wtih modern society?! Why was everyone so obsessed with sex?!
"Sasuke," Kakashi said carefully, "I think we might have to take you to Jiraiya for special therapy."
Sasuke's response was a pillow thrown to Kakashi's head.
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