Chapter Three: A bomber's ranting
Deidara was dragged along the Akatsuki corridors by Konan, it was still morning, only a few hours after his scouting mission and most of the members weren't awake yet, which he was glad of. He knew logically he should of went to Pein first considering his little 'problem' seeing as Pein was almighty and amazing at jutsus but he went to Konan. Why? Well, firstly Konan was a girl and seeing a boy considering his condition would be awkward; secondly Konan was just nice and often tried to help everyone with their problems earning her the affectionate name of 'Mother' from Hidan rather than his customary 'bitch' for everyone woman he met; thirdly there was the fact Konan tended to react less violently than the others and keep a cool head (even though she did react better than he thought she would); fourthly she tended to fix problems then ask questions; and lastly to be brutally honest, Pein was kind of imitating and it was far easier to approach him with Konan who Pein seemed to ease up around. Konan sharply knocked on the door of Pein's office which wasn't that far from Konan's room actually. There was the sound of a chair being scraped back and the sound of a drawer being closed hurriedly from inside the room.
"Come in." Pein said in his deep voice which resonated throughout the room and into the corridor yet somehow remaining soft. It was one of his most clear signs of his leadership, his voice, it could make fear him or believe in him and it was clear as well. (A/N: I don't know if his voice really sounds like that but in my head it does), Konan opened the door and entered calmly pulling in Deidara after her. Pein raised a curious eyebrow not yet noticing the breasts on Deidara's chest due to Deidara nervously hiding them despite the little difference it'll make in the long run.
"Konan, Deidara, why are you both here?" Pein asked, Konan looked at Deidara.
"From what I can gather Deidara had been put under a jutsu whilst scouting with… odd effects." Konan said, Deidara hid his face into Konan's shoulder from embarrassment, Konan gave him an amused smile for a moment, he had these sweet moments which made it hard to believe he was a criminal.
"And what effects are these?" Pein asked, giving Deidara a slight barely noticeable look of jealousy due to his closeness, Deidara noticed though and gave a slight smirk, of everyone in the Akatsuki he seemed to be the only one who could see the feelings harboured between Pein and Konan, the feelings were clearly not one sided but the two seemed oblivious to one another. Konan pulled Deidara out from behind her and shoved him towards Pein. Deidara tripped over an inconvenient placed scroll and ended up landing in Pein's lap.
"Hi, un ?" Deidara grinned nervously, Pein's eye twitched in anger and he gawped as he noticed something on the bomber's chest, something which should not be there. To be honest if it wasn't for Deidara's effeminateness he would have noticed a whole lot quicker of the change that overcame Deidara.
"Why the fuck are those things on your chest?" Pein near shouted forgetting to tell Deidara to get off of him, Deidara gave a sheepish smile.
"Apparently to feed babies milk, un…" Deidara said, Pein stared at him in disbelief, "I know, I did not believe Konan either since that is so gross." Deidara said at the look Pein was giving him. Konan gave a slight laugh; he was still stuck upon that subject then.
"How did this happen!" Pein yelled, "Unless you've been a girl all this time…" He visibly relaxed at the idea.
"Wait! What the fuck! I was one-hundred and ten per cent male until I met that snake dude, un. It's just my beautiful hair which make people call me a girl and that's because they're fucking jealous un." Deidara began to ramble on, because seriously he had beautiful hair that was better than half if not all of the females out there.
"Wait a second… snake dude?" Pein said, he looked at the blond in his lap sternly. "Tell us everything leading up to this and especially describe this snake person."
"Well, he had horrible hair, it was black and incredibly thin and greasy, un. It needed a wash or two, a good shampoo and it would be quite pretty actually if it was put into a nice hairstyle and cleaned, un."
"Deidara, we want a description of him, not just his hair." Pein said strictly, Deidara gave an awkward smile.
"Well, he was pale and these yellow eyes with split pupils… oh he said his name was Touchimaru… no that was wrong it was Orochimaru." Deidara said, suddenly there was unnerving silence as Pein and Konan looked at one another. Deidara looked at them curiously, what was wrong with that name? Surely he had not really been part of Akatsuki right? They would have told him, at least Sasori would… wouldn't he? Deidara sighed.
"Well you going to tell me who he is or not?" Deidara asked irritated, still in Pein's lap but everyone had long since forgotten that.
"Did he say anything to you Dei?" Konan asked softly, Deidara shrugged.
"Just something about betraying the Akatsuki after being Sasori's partner and I was like 'no way, un'. And he was 'yes way'. Then I kicked him in the face, and he was like 'oh I totally love your energy, join me and call me master' and I was like 'fuck no bitch, un, I call only Danna master' and punched him and he was like 'nuh huh you didn't, I going to punish you now' and then he did these hand signals, so it went black and then I got these mounds on my chest and I was like 'ah'." Deidara said spurning all of the words out like a waterfall barely taking any breaths and due to his excitement leaving out his uns apart from he 'quoted' himself. Pein winced.
"You can stop talking now about what he said, we get the idea." Pein said, Deidara pouted childishly. "Where did you meet him?" He asked, Deidara tilted his head to the side as he thought.
"The scouting mission, the forest… where else would I have met him, un?" Deidara asked, Konan paled slightly.
"How did he find us?" Konan asked, Pein sighed.
"Deidara, we'll deal with your… predicament later, we need to call a meeting first." Pein said and looked at the blond blankly as if only seeming to realise that the blond was on his lap. Deidara shook his head.
"Are you kidding me! I come here for help, and you don't bother giving me any, un. Then I ask you who this Orochimaru is and you don't answer me." Deidara began in another one of his rants, Pein groaned.
"We'll answer every question you want, just let us please call the meeting, we need to move now Orochimaru found out the basic whereabouts of our base." He said, seriously Deidara's on-goingness seemed to get worse since he got changed into a girl. Deidara sighed and nodded.
"Fine." He said, then the door opened.
"Hey fuckers, you fucking disturbed my beauty sleep with all your shouting… holy Jashin why the fuck are you sitting on Pein in the ass's lap, blondie? Is this a free yaoi porn shot for Konan or something?"
