II. Choice
It's Nan Er's first birthday, but she doesn't quite care for any of the goodies in her zhuazhou.
Xiao Yan Zi ducked into the bedroom, closed the door and heaved a sigh of relief as some of the noise and chatter was drowned out. She leaned heavily against the closed door and vowed to herself that after today, she'd lock herself in a room and sleep for an entire day.
It wasn't that she was resenting the celebration of her daughter's first birthday, or that she didn't appreciate all the well-wishes from all the guests (some of whom she still could not for the life of her remember how they were related to Yong Qi, or even if they were, at all). She understood how big of a deal today was, she really did. (Her first child and daughter turned one year old. Of course it was a big deal! She just didn't realise that anyone but herself and Yong Qi were actually obliged to feel that way.)
Simply put, Xiao Yan Zi had never been more or less the centre of such a huge celebration like this before, and even by her own measure, everything was overwhelming. She supposed her wedding had been just as crowded and rowdy, but then, she had the blessing of being covered up, expected to stay hidden behind a veil keeping her mouth firmly shut. This time, however, she was actually expected to play hostess and make small talk. The whole morning had been one, long, mildly horrifying experience as she discovered just how much of a fish out of water she could still be in his world, among those he called family.
At first, supposedly for her own amusement, she had even kept count of how many times someone looked at her in shock when she was sure she said something too freely, inelegantly or indelicately, but that had grown rapidly tedious and even alarming. She realised that really didn't need to remind herself of the fact that she still really didn't know how to talk to these people, and to see in their eyes the obvious wonder, why of all the people in the world, Wu Ah Ge chose to marry someone like her.
She just needed to not have to smile and talk to anyone for five minutes. The only way to do that, apparently, was to sneak off and hide.
So here she was, hiding.
It would never last, of course. Someone would look for her soon.
As if to mock her, the moment that very thought appeared in her head, there was a light knock on the other side of the door. Xiao Yan Zi stiffened, only managing to relax a little when it was Yong Qi's voice that rang out.
"Xiao Yan Zi, are you in there?"
She stood up off the door and turned around to open it. Her husband stood outside with an expression on his face that already asked what she was doing in there.
She pulled him into the room by the arm and closed the door.
"What's happening?" he asked, sounding worried. He even reached out and placed a hand on her forehead. "Are you all right?"
She shrugged his hand off.
"I'm fine. And what's not happening?" she grumbled. "I just needed some space. I mean, I like excitement and noise as much as anyone, but this entire day has been overwhelming. It's not even noon yet."
Understanding dawned on his face, and Yong Qi smiled sympathetically. "I know it can all be a bit much, but really everyone is just here to express their good wishes for Nan Er. She only turns one once, after all."
"I know, I know," Xiao Yan Zi said, just managing not to whine. "I'm not trying to complain, but despite knowing what will happen, I'm really not prepared for how tremendous this really is. I guess I just never thought what a big deal this could be made into when you have the means…The weird thing is, it's not as if Nan Er really understands what's going on."
"Well, these kinds of parties are really a statement by the grown-ups for the grown-ups, really. This is the only way everyone out there understands that we love her and are proud of her, though I know this is hardly the way you would never want to express that."
Xiao Yan Zi gave a curt, humourless laugh. "I think even expressed this way, they don't quite get it either. Because I swear, if another person asks me when we're having a son, I will claw their eyes out."
Yong Qi put his arms around her shoulders and rested his forehead down on hers. "There's no hurry on that. There's no need for us to put pressure on ourselves."
She looked up at him challengingly. "Isn't there?"
There was. Pressure. A lot of it. From everywhere. She really was thankful that Yong Qi, at least, was genuinely trying to shield her from most of it, and showed no impatience with her. It was on days like these, when all around them swarmed half the imperial court, that it was hard for him to be by her side all the time to deflect the subject of conversation. So the questions and expectations assaulted her from all directions in ways she was never prepared for.
"Well…" he said, then trailed off. "That will come, we just need to give ourselves time."
She dropped her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his waist, sighing. "It would be nice to not be interrogated about it at every turn on a day ostensibly about celebrating our daughter, I guess."
Yong Qi took her face in his hands and tilted it so that she looked up at him. "Xiao Yan Zi, try not to stress about it, all right? It's just everyone's way of being caring, and you shouldn't think too much of it."
"I know they're not asking maliciously. Not all of them, anyway, but it's just frustrating because, what do they want me to even say? I suppose they hope I'd say I'm pregnant, but – "
She huffed. Yong Qi leaned down and kissed her hair gently. "We can work on that later."
It made her laugh, surprisingly, and she pushed him a little in mock anger.
"There's that smile," he said, cupping her face in his hands, and brushing a soft kiss against her nose.
Xiao Yan Zi took his hands in hers and sighed. "I suppose I just have to get through lunch. Urgh. And the rest of the day."
"It will be all right," he said gently, squeezing her hand. "Zi Wei and Qing Er will sit with you so they can help you steer the conversation a little."
She hugged him and buried her face in his neck, while he stroked her back gently. The only thing she really actually wanted right now was for everyone to disappear, so that she could just spend this day with him and their daughter. But since marrying him, she had realised that none of their joys could truly ever be their own, and most of the time, she didn't truly mind sharing that. There were moments, however, when she wished everyone would just leave them alone.
Yong Qi said softly after a moment, "We do have to get out there though. I only came in to tell you the zhuazhou ceremony is starting soon."
She swallowed a sigh, because that would only worry him. Instead, she took a deep breath, looked up and gave him a small smile. "All right. Let's go."
They came out to the main hall, where the guests were gathered. Yong Qi led Xiao Yan Zi through the crowd to the front where Lao Fo Ye and Huang Ah Ma were sitting on one end of the kang, which was covered with red cloths and cushions. Huang Ah Ma was holding Zhuang Nan, all dressed in red, in his lap, but when she saw Xiao Yan Zi, she held her little arms out. Xiao Yan Zi took her from her grandfather and the child nestled against her, hiding her face from the crowd, which apparently had long overwhelmed her.
My darling, I know the feeling, Xiao Yan Zi thought as she held Zhuang Nan tightly.
On the other end of the kang, the servants were laying out the items: a book, a delicately carved stick of ink with a pen, an abacus, a string of coins, toys, a jade bangle, a flute, a spoon, a ruler, a needle and thread set, a small container of rouge powder, a toy set of bow and arrows, a sprig of celery, and a stalk of spring onion.
"The bow and arrow are a little indulgent, do you not think, Xiao Yan Zi?" Lao Fo Ye said. "I know you are fond of martial arts, but perhaps it would be more appropriate to be kept for the next time, for when Zhuang Nan's younger brother's first birthday celebration."
Xiao Yan Zi bit her lip but before she could say anything, Yong Qi spoke up.
"I included the bow and arrow, Lao Fo Ye," he said, seeming nonchalant. "Considering Da Qing's empire was won with arrows on horseback, and women can ride and shoot as well as men, I believe it's got a place here."
Lao Fo Ye didn't seem entirely convinced, but did not continue to protest. Yong Qi turned slightly to Xiao Yan Zi and winked and she smiled into Zhuang Nan's hair. The real reason the bow and arrow were included, of course, had more to do with their history than anything, but no one needed to know that. Besides, Yong Qi had convinced her that a sword was too obviously against the norm, but Xiao Yan Zi wasn't going to accept that all the choices her daughter would have before her were face powder, needles and threads, and kitchen utensils.
Xiao Yan placed Zhuang Nan gently down onto the kang in the middle of the semi-circle of items.
Everyone watched with rapt attention as Zhuang Nan curiously eyed the items around her but didn't seem particularly drawn to any.
Yong Qi leaned down to Zhuang Nan's level to coax her. She stared at the items once more, and started to crawl towards them. Xiao Yan Zi actually held her breath as Zhuang Nan did actually seem to veer towards the bow and arrow. And yet, instead of grabbing them like Xiao Yan Zi expected, her daughter pushed everything out of her path, crawled right towards Yong Qi and called, "Ah Ma!"
(It was the only word she could say yet, and at times Xiao Yan Zi wasn't even sure that was what she was saying, or if she was only just making noises that sounded like it.)
Yong Qi instinctively reached out and caught Zhuang Nan in his arms before she could fall off the kang, while everyone laughed. He held her tightly in his arms and kissed her forehead gently, chuckling against her skin.
"I didn't know I was one of the choices here."
His voice was light, but when he turned to look at Xiao Yan Zi, for an instant, only she could see the emotional tears that shined in his eyes before he bowed his head down onto Zhuang Nan in his arms and let her clothes soak them before looking up again.
Xiao Yan Zi felt an enormous lump rise in her throat and her heart seemed to swell with emotions, so that she had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep her expression neutral. Beside her, Zi Wei leaned her head down on Xiao Yan Zi's shoulder and nudged slightly.
Are you all right? Zi Wei was asking silently. Xiao Yan Zi turned to look at her and smiled, nodding.
"Well, the point of this ceremony is to judge what she values most, and it's not a wrong choice in any way," Huang Ah Ma said, chuckling.
Yong Qi smiled and put Zhuang Nan down again. Then he drew away a little farther, slipping his hand into Xiao Yan Zi's on his way, brushing his thumb gentle against her knuckles. She laced their fingers together and squeezed tightly.
This time, Zhuang Nan looked a little more engaged by the colourful items around her and stared at them for a long moment, as if deliberating. Then, puckering her bottom lip out, she reached immediately for the bamboo flute, the proceeded to put it in her mouth.
To chew on it.
Xiao Yan Zi laughed.
"Well, your brother will be pleased," Zi Wei whispered beside her. Xiao Yan Zi turned to grin at her.
It became clear soon that Zhuang Nan had no interest in any of the other items and was happily clutching the flute to herself. This spectacle clearly over, conversation broke out among all the guests in the room as everyone started to disperse, but still discussing the choice the child had just made. Xiao Yan Zi smiled and gamely received the passing wishes and compliments while beside her, Zi Wei scooped up Zhuang Nan into her arms. She waved the flute in her hand around happily as Zi Wei nuzzled her cheek.
"You could have given her to Nanny to put her into bed when she fell asleep," Xiao Yan Zi said to Zi Wei later that night when all the guests have left except her and Er Kang.
"Oh I know," Zi Wei said, cuddling Zhuang Nan in her arms. "But she looks so sweet like this I couldn't bear to."
"I wholeheartedly agree with that," Yong Qi said, smiling, "but Nan Er should probably let Auntie go home soon."
Zi Wei smiled back as Yong Qi leaned down to gently take Zhuang Nan from her.
"I'll put her to bed," he said to Xiao Yan Zi, who nodded.
"It's late, we should probably get going, Zi Wei," Er Kang said.
"I'll see you out," Xiao Yan Zi said, taking Zi Wei's arm.
"Tired?" Zi Wei asked as they walked out.
"I'll need a day to recover from the celebrations," Xiao Yan Zi groaned. "Take heed, Zi Wei, for when your son's first birthday."
"I am duly forewarned and thus forearmed," Zi Wei said, chuckling. "But I think, we have the choice of a more low-key event."
"I hate you for that," Xiao Yan Zi grumbled. Zi Wei giggled and put her arms around Xiao Yan Zi, giving her a warm squeeze.
"Well, just call today practice, Xiao Yan Zi," Er Kang said. "Next time it would be even more extravagant, I'm sure."
"What do you mean, more extravagant?" Xiao Yan Zi yelped, unable to help feeling a little horrified. "And practice for what?"
"For when you have a son and he celebrates his first birthday. Expect things to be even more lavish then. That was what I meant," Er Kang replied.
"Urgh, not you too," Xiao Yan Zi complained. "If I had a coin for every time someone asks me about a son today, I'd have enough by now to feed Da Za Yuan for a year."
"Oh come on, Xiao Yan Zi, I'm just saying. You'll have a son one day, and you can't imagine that you could afford to do less than today, then."
"And what if I don't? Would Yong Qi – "
She left her statement open, but it was obvious enough what she was thinking that Zi Wei scolded, "Xiao Yan Zi, really!"
Er Kang, however, was looking at her with concern. "You don't honestly worry about that, do you, Xiao Yan Zi?" he asked kindly. She shrugged noncommittally. "Nan Er is one year old, Xiao Yan Zi. You shouldn't be fretting, at all. I know it's not comfortable, what with everyone practically interrogating you about it, but Yong Qi really isn't worried, and you shouldn't be, either."
"I appreciate the sentiment, Er Kang," Xiao Yan Zi said with a weak smile. "But let me just point out that it's very easy for you – being a man – to say that."
"I know," he admitted.
"Er Kang is just saying you should consider the words of those of us who care deeply about you, especially Yong Qi's, more than you should mind gossips from others," Zi Wei said gently. "Sometimes people ask these things because it's the obvious, automatic, fail-safe subject of conversation, they don't necessarily realise they're making you anxious with all their probing."
"I know, I know," Xiao Yan Zi replied. "Thank you for keeping me sane today, anyway."
Zi Wei turned to smile at Xiao Yan Zi and hugged her.
"Get some rest, all right?" Zi Wei whispered. "Don't overthink it."
Xiao Yan Zi nodded as Er Kang helped Zi Wei into the carriage. Then, waving, she watched as the carriage was driven out of the gate, before turning to go back inside.
She found Yong Qi still in Zhuang Nan's room, watching her sleeping peacefully in her cradle.
"So, how does it feel, knowing that she'd choose you over all else?" she whispered, coming up behind him.
He turned around to face her with a slight smile. "I feel rather foolish, still feeling so emotional about that."
Xiao Yan Zi stepped closer to him and placed her hand against his chest, smiling up at him fondly. "I don't think it's foolish at all."
"I mean, technically it's not as if she knew any better," he said, looking at their daughter. "She probably just wanted me because I was familiar and there were all those strange people around her."
"If that was the case she'd have put up a fuss when I put her down, and would have tried to come to me. But she went straight into your arms. Maybe she did know what she was doing," Xiao Yan Zi said softly. "And why shouldn't she choose you first? No one is going to love her as much as you do."
"Maybe you?" he asked.
"No man is going to love her as much as you do," Xiao Yan Zi whispered. She wrapped her arms around him from behind and kissed his shoulder.
"Okay, that's true," he said and she could hear his smile in his voice.
"I reckon, you love her more than you love me."
"That's not true!" he protested, turning around to her. He reached up and tweaked her nose. "I love you both equally."
"I'm totally fine with that, you know," she said, smiling. Leaning in and lowering her voice as if speaking a secret, she said, "Because I confess, I do love her more than I love you."
Yong Qi laughed and pulled her in closer to him by the waist. "But you do love me."
"Of course," she whispered, taking his hand and brushing a kiss against his knuckles.
"And we made her," he said with a sigh. Both of them looked over at their daughter. "Look at that. Sometimes I still can't quite believe it."
Xiao Yan Zi rested her cheek against his chest and smiled. "It's odd, isn't it?" she whispered dreamily. "You already took me by surprise and yet she even more so. How did we ever live before her?"
"Rather incompletely, I should think," he murmured, kissing the crown of her head. "You know I would not trade her for the world, right?"
"Neither would I," she said, snuggling closer against his embrace.
After a long moment, he said, "I suppose we should let her sleep."
Xiao Yan Zi nodded and the two of them made their way to their bedroom, hand in hand.
"Do you need to get Ming Yue or Cai Xia?" he asked.
Xiao Yan Zi shook her head and started to undo her hair at the dressing table. "The lot of them have been running all over the place since before dawn. I told them to get some rest first."
She watched from the mirror as he walked over to stand behind her, combing his fingers through her long hair.
"How was lunch?" he asked quietly. "I didn't get a chance to check earlier."
"You know, as can be expected," Xiao Yan Zi said. "Totally predictable. Your cousin went on and on about how at my age she'd already had two sons and I had catching up to do. Like it was a race. I nearly shoved an egg into her mouth to shut her up."
Yong Qi chuckled, leaned down and kissed her hair. "Let them brag about it all they want, Xiao Yan Zi. I have all I could possibly want in you and Nan Er."
She looked up at him with narrowed eyes. "That's not entirely true but I'll take the feelings behind it."
"Xiao Yan Zi," he said reproachfully. "I do mean it."
"I know," she said, sighing. "But you wouldn't mind if we have a son."
"I wouldn't mind another child with you, only because it would be our child," he said, looking at her through the mirror. She leaned back against him as he squeezed her shoulder. "Whether it's a boy or not is not exactly anything we could do to decide, is it?"
She gave him a genuine smile with feeling and pulled his hand down from her shoulder to kiss it. Then, sighing, she said, "Today wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't so ambushed. I guess what made it even more frustrating was that I wished I could have just told those women what I truly think. I would have, if what I wanted to say didn't sound so mean, even to me."
"And what did you want to say?" Yong Qi asked, stroking her cheek.
"Just because their husband only see their value in whether they could bear sons doesn't mean my husband only sees the same use in me. If you simply wanted a wife to give you children, you'd never have bothered to go through so much trouble to marry me."
He chuckled. "Not so much, no."
"I mean, every single one of them probably thinks that is my only value; it's not as if I have anything to offer you other than my charms."
"I happen to find your charms very…charming," he said, grinning.
"Smooth," she chortled. She looked at his reflection seriously, however, when she continued. "But you married me. You wanted me."
"I did. I do," he whispered, brushing his hand on her forehead and smoothing down her hair, before leaning down to kiss it again.
She tilted her head back so that she looked up at him upside down. "So I must be worth more to you than that. You could have had so many other choices, but you chose me."
"Always," he promised, wrapping his arms tightly around her and pressing her head against his body.
"It would have been rather mean to say all that to them, wouldn't it?" she asked, looking up at him again. "It's not as if they had any say in who they married."
He tapped his fingers teasingly on her forehead, making her scrunch up her face in mock protest. "You don't have to say it. Just as long as you know it, you don't have to feel bad by anything they say to you."
He tugged her up and turned her around so that they faced each other. She draped her arms over his shoulders. Yong Qi leaned close to her so that their faces were barely apart and whispered cheekily, "Shall we retire so I can prove to you how I will always choose you?"
Xiao Yan Zi glared and shoved him so hard that he flailed around a little, laughing, and would have fallen over if she hadn't grabbed a fistful of his shirt at the last minute and steadied him. Still, she pouted and grumbled, "As if you ever need such an excuse for that."
Yong Qi laughed again and pulled her into his arms, which despite of her reaction just now, she allowed gladly. "I rather think that that is a good thing," he whispered into her ear. She simply buried her face into his neck and laughed as he took her by the waist, swinging her around. "Come on, we both should get some sleep," he said.
"Are you sure sleep is what you have in mind?"
"Well, that's rather up to you now, isn't it?"
"Why do I put up with you again?"
"Because you love me."
"One of these days I'll figure out how to fix this lapse in judgement, you know."
"Until then, I shall just enjoy the benefits of your lapse in judgement."
"I hate you, I really do."
"I know, dear, I know. The feeling's mutual."
A/N: Just so you know, I totally stole that part where Nan Er ignores everything and chooses Yong Qi instead off Tumblr.
