ZAFT of the radiance

Inside Dr. Weird's lab, somewhere in the South Jersey coast. Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, behold! The amazing Guitar hero playing tarantula! The shutter next to Dr. Weird and Geno opens showing a giant Tarantula with a guitar hero guitar and arcade next to him. Tarantula: (in a country voice) Thank you, thank you, now... (thunder strikes and the tarantula's voice becomes satanic in tone) Are you ready to rock? (Plays Dragonforce's, Thru the fire and flames flawlessly in expert) Geno: amazed mutters out "Holy... shit..." Dr. Weird triumphantly bellows "Ha ha! It works!" (the tarantula finishes and jumps on Dr. Weird trying to eat him) "No! What are you doing! Damn you a************g!" Damn you to hell!" Geno looks at the audience and politely says "I believe there is a lesson to be learned from all this. But I'm not risking getting site banned to say it"

Chapter 3: Xelloss

Written by Aliasoddity

We find our heroes Kira, Athrun Shinn and Tail doll in a warehouse around the San Francisco docks. Bound and tied to chairs, facing a giant death laser. Thanks to the evil Red ring of death, whom is basically a Microsoft Xbox 360 red ring of death, floating and disembodied seriously. RROD: (overjoyed) Yes! Yes! I r victorious! Now no noobz shall m0ck me anymore! I will make the world rspct me! Shinn: (annoyed) Worst... Super-villain... ever... Tails doll: How the hell did this happen anyway? Athrun: (angrily) Well, it seems Kira decided to join a motivational class to forget about Lacus. Where he met this nut and told him to follow his dreams and believe himself. And apparently his dream was to punish humanity for ridiculing him over the internet. Kira: Don't worry! It will all work out! (smiles) RROD: Arbiter! Fire the lazah! A large scaly lizard like biped began to prepare the laser commenting angrily in a Victorian gentleman accent, It is pronounced laser sir! This isn't X box live. You should comprehend that people outside such a barbaric space should properly speak the Queen's English. RROD: (upset) STFU! teh Snip3r shall save the day! Shinn: (annoyed) Most... retarded... villain... ever... Arbiter: I am just voicing my opinion my good sir. That we must be mindful of our proper etiquette in this place. RROD: (very angry) "L do it mys3lf! L get achievement f1rst.' And grabs the laser's controls Arbiter: Let go sir! You do not know how to properly operate this device! Arbiter grabs the controls as well and a fight for the controls ensue causing them to break and the machine to overload. Exploding in the duo's face causing them to fly off into the horizon. RROD and Arbiter: Looks like Team RROD is blasting off again!The ropes disintegrate in the explosion freeing the four without any damage Kira: smiles saying "See! It all worked out!"

Back in their Beverly Hills mansion... Athrun: (strangling Kira) I cant believe you did this! Are you really that dense! Kira: (gets off the choke hold and starts crying) You jerk! You always do this to me! Ever since we were in middle school! I hate you! Hurt, Kira runs off and leaves the house slamming the door. Athun remains silent and leaves to go to the study. At the drunken piss, a seedy dive in the bad part of the Sunset strip. Kira is in a stool near the counter, drinking heavily thru his tears. As the people around him look in awe at the thirty empty bottles of Bacardi rum as Kira finishes off his thirty first. While slurring thru the Japanese lyrics of Invoke. The bartender a pudgy mustached armadillo who clearly concerned tells Kira "I think you've had enough. I mean your liver is gonna die at this rate." Kira drunk and slurry tosses his empty glass aside yelling "Fuck you! I...I..." And falls unconscious, then a mysterious hooded figure appears at the scene and carries Kira away.

Back at the Beverly Hills mansion. Athrun and Shinn and drinking coffee when Tails doll appears with a open letter. Tails doll: Can you feel the sunshine? Oh, and Kira was kidnapped. Shinn: (surprised) What? (worried) We gotta go do something? Athrun: So? He'll be all right, he has the plot shield with him. Tails doll: We'll I'm gonna save my best friend! Athrun: (surprised) WHAT? (in a jealous tone) How can you say that you stuffed fucker? Shinn: I don't believe it! You're jealous! Athrun: (resigned) Fine, we'll go find him. To the Zalamobile! And as if on cue a 60's Batman's scene change music along with Athrun's face among a spinning background plays out.

Shinn: (shocked) This, is, the, Zalamobile? Shinn sees the Zalamobile a red Scion XB with an antenna on its roof. Zala: (proudly) Pretty bad ass right? It goes three times faster than a Regular Scion and has three times worse mileage. Tails doll: (snickers) Char clone. Athrun: I heard that. And I am not a Char clone. The Zalamobile is turned on and proceeds to take off from the garage with Shinn and Tails doll in tow, flames bursting out the exhaust.

Meanwhile in another warehouse now in San Francisco bay. The mysterious figure reveals himself to be Xelloss the evil demon priest. Next to him is Kira bound to a chair tied by ropes with several knifes and bullets in him and a smell of ozone. The surrounding area is charred and broken. Kira teary eyed is sobbing thru his stories "And that was when Lacus left me. Oh why? I mean I've been doing good." Xelloss (in pain) Why? WHY WONT YOU SHUT UP! You're more annoying than Tobi and nowhere near as funny! Kira: I mean Deidara says that I am annoying, as well as Athrun. Who always yells at me and treats me like an idiot. (sob) (cries) Xelloss pulling out his hair yells in frustration "WHERE ARE THEY?"

Meanwhile in a Texaco gas station. Our heroes are filling the gas tank of the Zalamobile. Tails doll: You do know that if you got rid of the flames the Zalamobile would have better gas mileage. Athrun: Don't mock the flames. Shinn: (in a trance looking at the exhaust pipe) Yes, don't mock the beautiful fire. Oh fire, my beloved fire, burn more stuff. (takes out a 9mm handgun) Don't worry Mr. Bang bang I also love you! Athrun goes to the counter where he finds Beecha stationing it. Beecha: All right! It'll be $30.25 plus tax. And lose the flame exhaust! This isn't Batman! Athrun: (pays Beecha and leaves) (muttering) jerk... Beecha: I heard that!

Back at the warehouse things havent really changed. Kira: Hey are you all right? I mean I was just making conversation and why are your ears bleeding? Xelloss: (manically opening a Tylenol bottle) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Suddenly the Zalamobile bursts thru the shutter doors of the warehouse and Athrun, Shinn and Tails doll prepare for battle. Tails doll: Can you feel the sunshine? Shinn: Can you feel the fire? Athrun: Can you two shut up? Xelloss: (overjoyed) Oh thank you Satan! (coughs and regains composure) ahem. Welcome friends to my lair I am Xelloss the demon priest. I have something like that you want, and you have something I need. Give me Tails doll and I will set your friend free. Shinn: (cockily) Ha! You think you are so tough? Its three on one! And we have Tails doll, an unstoppable force of terror and death! Tails doll: You dont know who Xelloss is, do ya? Shinn: (still cocky) We can take him! Just eat his soul like you always do! Tails doll: You retard! Xelloss is the servant of a demon lord! He is practically a god! I can't beat him as I am now! Shinn: in a worried tone crap... Xelloss begins to fire energy bolts at the trio forcing them to dodge Shinn gets his Big Zam and uses it to attack Xelloss. Using fire magic Xelloss easily melts the Big Zam into goo. Athrun gets his assault rifle and shoots straight at Xelloss head. Xelloss puts up a barrier to block the bullet and it bounces off with ease. Cloning himself into seven copies which charge into the trio using lightning magic. Tails doll uses a barrier to block the shots and fires a large swath of lasers at the copies which vanish. Xelloss reappears behind them and summons a tornado that tosses them into the opposite wall of the warehouse.

Injured the trio fall back into a stack of crates. Athrun desperate asks "What now?" Then Shinn: gets on his knees and prays :Oh Firo, thou art in fire, blessed be thy name." Athrun: Shut up Shinn! Tails doll: We have to save Kira! If we do I can fuse with him and we can beat Xelloss. Shinn: (scared) But he has us pinned! We need a meat shield like object or something. Athrun and Tails doll stare at Shinn and smile evilly. Shinn: (worried) Why are you looking at me for? Athrun and Tails doll rush out with Shinn as a meat shield who then proceeds to be bombarded by spell after spell until they reach Kira untie him and take cover in another stash of crates. Kira: Thanks guys especially you Tails doll. Shinn (horribly mutilated, with his face stripped of skin) (weeping in pain) Why fire? Why has thou abandoned me? Athrun: (angry and jealous)

Shut the hell up Shinn! (regains his calm) So whats this about fusion anyway? Shinn: (suffering painfully) Oh dear fire! I smell like barbecue! mmm, barbecue. Athrun: (really angry) SHUT THE FUCK UP SHINN! \

Tails doll: Right, lets go Kira! Fusion dance! Kira: (determined) OK! Lets go! Shinn: (with his face now being a giant scab covering everything in his face) My modeling career! Its ruined! Waa! Athrun proceeds to angrily punch Shinn in the face which knocks him out. While Kira and Tails doll proceed to do the fusion dance. A perfectly executed technique brings forward in a blinding flash of light the mighty Chuck Norris. Who proceeds to strike a mantis style fighting pose. All while the song Moment of truth from F-Zero legend plays out in full swing. Xelloss cockily brags "So you think you can beat me? Even Chuck Norris shall fall before me!" Chuck Norris: "I doubt that." Xelloss charges toward Chuck Norris. And Chuck does the same preparing each their most powerful attacks. Xelloss: Drago slave! (Begins to charge up a large ball of fire) Chuck Norris: Norris kick! (Chuck Norris launches a mighty roundhouse kick) The attacks collide with the Norris kick being the mightier of the two knocking Xelloss out along with his Drago slave into the floor where he proceeds to explode in a spectacular fashion. And as the smoke clears all that remains of Xelloss is a pile of ash, as the song ends in a climax

Back at the Beverly Hills mansion all is well even Shinn whose face recovered and looks like nothing happened. The four heroes are in the kitchen reminiscing about events. Shinn: (amazed) Wow! That was so cool you two! I never knew you could fuse into Chuck Norris! Athrun: They're two epic godmodders what did you expect? Shinn: (upset) I am not talking to you. Tails doll: Anyway all is back to normal and all loose ends are tied up.

Back in the San Francisco warehouse RROD and the Arbiter discover Xelloss ashes and scoop them up into a jar with a broom. RROD: Yez! Wit this I will PWN those n00bs! Arbiter sighs quietly while scooping up ashes.

To be continued...