And now a word from our sponsors…
"Hey Dude! Are you tired of sitting at home all day trying to clean maple syrup stains off of your carpet?"
"Oh, well, actually it's not that bad-"
"Then dude do you ever need some HERO SPRAY!"
"Umm...I don't think I'm interested-"
Alfred materialized in the middle of Matthew's living room holding a red-white-and-blue spray bottle. "Just one squirt and all your problems are fixed!"
Before Matthew could put up any objections Alfred sprayed the maple syrup stain on his carpet. The stain vanished, but in its place a giant picture of Alfred's goofily grinning face was now splashed across the floor.
"See dudes! It's like totally all better without any effort at all!"
"Umm..." Matthew did not seem to share Alfred's enthusiasm about this outcome. "I really don't think-"
"Ha ha! Well dude that's obvious, if you had been thinking you'd have bought Hero Spray a lot sooner. But Hero Spray isn't just great on stains; Hero Spray can solve all sorts of your problems! Like unruly hedges!"
Alfred hopped out into Matthew's front lawn and doused a shrubbery with Hero Spray. The branches on the shrubbery remolded and the plant took on Alfred's likeness.
"And pet dandruff!" Alfred sprayed his brother's pet fuzzy bear in the face. Matthew looked on in shock and horror as his pet bear turned into a clone of his obnoxious brother.
"Who are you dude?" it asked him.
"I am one unhappy Canadian..." bemoaned Matthew.
"It even works on acne!" Alfred continued, either not noticing or not caring about his brother's state of distress.
"But I don't have..." Matthew shrieked when he realized that Alfred was standing next to him and holding the bottle of Hero Spray right next to his face. "No! Wait!"
A single squirt of Hero Spray later, Matthew could feel both his cholesterol levels and his self-confidence increasing exponentially.
"How do you feel dude?"
"DUDE! I feel so American!"
"Ha ha! Another satisfied customer. So don't delay, buy today! The solution to all your problems is just a shot of Hero Spray away!"
Now back to our show…
Berwald had found the source of the mysterious voice and was relieved to learn that he was not hearing voices and going crazy. However the little guy following Berwald around and making commentary on him like he was on some sort of Discovery Channel show was clearly insane.
"Welcome back! I'm Tino Väinämöinen and you're watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly. As ya can see, Berwaldo oxenstiernas has finished harvesting his tree snacks and is now perched in front of his shelter, keen eyes darting across the landscape. Who knows what this fearsome predator is thinking right now?"
'm wondering why yer wandering around m' yard and talking t' a non-existent camera crew. Berwald thought as he sat on his front porch swing and warily watched Tino out of the corner of his eye.
"He's probably thinking about eating my brains…Wanh!" Tino sobbed. "No Tino, calm down. Ya have to get a hold of yourself. I can't let my viewers down, can I now?"
Well the crazy little guy was brave, Berwald would give him that. In this odd little reality Tino was living in Berwald was apparently some sort of menacing creature from the most terrifying corners of hell itself, but this didn't stop Tino from doing what he perceived to be his job. Despite the fact he thought Tino was a delusional nutcase, Berwald also found that he kind of respected the fellow.
"Arf!" Berwald's dog barked from behind the front door.
"Snowball! Come here girl," Berwald reached over and cracked open the door just enough so that Snowball could shuffle out the door and onto the porch.
"Hold on, something else is emerging from the structure…AWW!" Tino's eyes glittered as he caught sight of the fluffy dog "It's a puppy! How cute is that? Ah, what a sweet little creature…"
It was then that it came to Berwald's attention that Tino was pretty darn adorable. The way those bright brown eyes lit up and that soft, friendly face filled with strawberry blush as he looked over at little Snowball…
Hm. Cute…but also clinically insane. Dilemma. Berwald tried to figure out what exactly he thought of Tino as he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a dog treat and held it out to Snowball.
"Oh no, Berwaldo oxenstiernas is reaching out towards the cute dog…oh no, please don't tell me he's going to hurt-oh he's feeding it. Wait, why is this fearsome predator feeding-?" Tino's facial expression shifted from confusion to horror "Oh dear, he's probably luring it in so that he can devour it as a snack! AIHH! I can't watch. This is too much for my delicate mind to handle!"
Berwald frowned as he reached down and lifted Snowball into his arms before standing up and carrying her back into the cabin. Eating a puppy? Who would even think of doing such things to an innocent little dog?
This Tino guy had serious issues, regardless of how adorable he seemed to appear. Berwald locked and bolted the door behind him and walked over to his computer. He was going to do a Google search and see if any of the nearby prisons were missing any incredibly violent inmates that matched Tino Väinämöinen's profile.
