Cracked, Packed, and Jacked; Does the Author Have Jam?

"You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk~" Crona went singing through the supermarket. He was enjoying his carefree day without anyone yelling, screaming or talking about Medusa.

Ragnarok had his ears covered, 'This is some bullshit Crona. You sing like Andy Gibb.'

"Hey Ragnarok should we get some jam?" Crona asked looking over the various jams.

"OUTTA MY WAY!" A girl yelled smashing into Crona sending him flying into the meat department. She scanned the shelves, "Strawberry…. Raspberry… BOYSENBERRY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH A THE POT HEAD CRACK IDEAS?!" She took a jar of apricot and threw it, it smashing into Crona's head. She fell to her knees, "WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME SO?"

"Excuse me miss." An elderly lady asked, "Can you tell me what flavor this jam is?"

Senna looked up solemnly, "Blackberry."

"Thank you." The woman smiled and walked away.

Senna knelt on the ground wallowing in pity until something clicked, "Wait…" She looked towards the elderly woman retreating down the aisle, 'Am I that desperate?' She shrugged, "Fuck it, I'm already going to hell for all the Soul/Dante yoai in my closet." She stood up and raced by the woman knocking her down, "YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE GRANDMA!" She grabbed the jam and took it, running as the old woman yelled,

"THESE YOUNG BITCHES BE TRIPPIN'!"

Senna stood gazing at her glorified prize when she heard, "I'M A DOOBIE!" she turned and saw Dante streaking in the store. He came running up to Senna, "Somebody smoke me!" He knocked the jam out of her hand trying to give her a high five, it shattering on the ground. He glanced down before running off, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT SMOKING ME!"

She stood, mouth agape. She looked towards the ceiling and raised her arms, "TAKE ME I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR!"

OUTSIDE SOUL AND MAKA'S

"Hey Maka why's it called a blow job?" Soul asked.

Maka shrugged, "I don't know Soul. Why do you ask arbitrary, out of the blue questions when our house is burning, Lemmy's having a breakdown, and Excalibur's STILL FUCKING ALIVE?!"

He stared at her blankly before sighing, "Let me guess its pill grinder time?"

"THIS IS NOT PMS!" She yelled slamming a book into his forehead.

"Excalibur… Excalibur…" The white thing started singing.

"KILL IT! KILL IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL IT!" Both Maka and Lemmy screamed running away.

TSUBAKI'S

'I wonder if Senna's coming back…' She thought before sighing, "And Black*Star better not be in trouble again…." She seethed.

KID'S

"Kid! Don't hit her!" Liz yelled as Kid reared his fist back in attempt to hit a somehow high Patty.

Black*Star agreed, "Yeah dude you should never hit a woman! You're gonna get caught! You're gonna go to jail! You're gonna get raped! IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT!"

Elliot tried to put on a neutral face but it contorted into suspicion, "And how would you know about the workings of the legal system…?"

Black*Star stood for a moment avoiding eye contact, "Sometimes gods get in trouble… Sometimes that trouble involves jam… And sometimes that jam has peculiar links to a certain police officer who shall not be named…" He scoffed, "Then again who wants to hear about some boring police officer when you have me, THE GREAT BLACK*STAR TO ENTERTAIN YOU?"

Elliot was suddenly wishing he was with Blood right now, because even his stupidity could not be above what Elliot had just encountered in the past 4 minutes, "Edward… Are you hearing any of this?" He turned, searching for the shaman only to find a dotted outline of where he used to be. Elliot suddenly felt his anger boil over as Patty started singing 'Sandman' off key in the background, 'That… Bastard… Will… Pay…'

MEANWHILE IN A LESS ANGER FILLED VOID

Blood drove around in his hotrod, two bimbos at his side, and smiling ear to ear, "Oh Candy… Lacey… I'M SO GLAD I MET YOU TWO!" He felt tears spring to his eyes, "You guys really understand me…"

One of the bimbos smiled, "Of course we do Blade…

"YEAH!" Nodded the other one. She smirked, "I'll drop if you give me twenty."

He sniffed, "I can see us having a beautiful future together." He lowered his voice, "Of course I can only marry one of you… therein having to fight to the death in the bondage cage I made just for this occasion."

They raised an eyebrow, "Huh?"

"SHH! I FEEL A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE!" He suddenly felt that his house, which he was on his way to, was about to explode.

As he rounded the corner a large BOOM made him veer into a pole, killing one of the bimbos.

He looked on in horror as his house was engulfed in flames and Lemmy came running up, "BLOOD! BLOOD! THANK GOD YOU'RE NOT HOME!" She grabbed him by the collar, "HE WAS IN THERE! I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!" She was caught off guard by hearing the chorus of everyone's favorite song in the background…

"Excalibur… Excalibur…"

She suddenly dropped to the ground in the fetal position, hands on either side of her head, "HE WON'T FUCKING DIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Well… That was pointless… tbc…