Haaaaaaaaaaaaa . . . I get the feeling this story isn't very funny. I donno, it'd probably be much funnier if Turn Based Tragedy was actually writing it. But then it's TBT who has the tendency to abandon stories the instance she gets a new and/or improved idea. (See Legacy of Victor and Horror and Strife: The Tales of a Walking Death machine . . . Is that what it's called?) I probably won't do much more of this for a while (if at all) unless convinced to continue by TBT or you all out there begging to have another chapter. (Yeah right, like that would ever happen . . . )
-Legend's Legacy & Turn Based Tragedy (But mostly LL on the pre-thingy . . . )
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"Why, exactly, are we stealing this statue commemorating Kain's defeat of the Sarafan lord again?"
"Because that's what the spell scroll calls for! Here, you want to read it?"
"Why on earth would we need a statue of the person we're trying to revive?"
Raziel sighed, it was Malchiah who said he, Raziel, didn't care? "It doesn't need to be a statue, it's just Kain's favorite, that's all. Look . . . It says here 'the favorite item of the victim', that's this, the only thing we know he likes!"
"He likes a statue of himself commemorating his own defeat of the Sarafan lord?"
"Ok, now you're just starting to sound like Dumah. He likes himself! He is his own favorite thing! Since we can't very well throw him in there, we're using something in the likeness of him!" Raziel really did have thick brothers.
"So why did it have to be this big?" He was standing at the foot of a colossal, cathedral-sized statue that (as was stated before) commemorated Kain's defeat of the Sarafan lord, the last real threat against his rule. Malchiah had been assigned the daunting task of finding a way to move it without disrupting the tilt of the earth in the process.
"Well, I figured, the bigger the better! Besides, what could size hurt? Well besides your workers' backs, that is . . . "
"Jerk . . . " Malchiah murmured and motioned to Dumah, of course he had no workers, he had just been raised. Dumah was stupid enough to do it for him though, even he knew that. Dumah lopped over like an excited dog, ready to please. Malchiah pointed to the base of the statue wordlessly signaling for him to start working, and Dumah went to work.
Not five minuted after he started pulling, tugging, pushing and punching the gigantic monument, he was single handedly carrying it to the Lake of the Dead (the only body of water large enough to completely submerge it, the spell scroll called for it.) He was almost there when he passed precariously close to his brothers who happened to be huddled around the decrepit, water damaged, illegible scroll. He really did wonder where Raziel had gotten it, he asked once but on one ever tells him anything. Being rather curious, he lumbered over, statue still in hand. It didn't take long for them to realize that he was headed for them (mostly due to the fact that the hunk of marble blotted out the sun.) Abandoning the scroll, (much to Dumah's delight, he didn't think they'd let him look at it if they were all hanging around)they ran in favor of staying clear of the rather large shadow that they knew bode no well. One half of them (Raziel, Rahab and Zephon) favored the left of it, while the other (Turel and Malchiah) favored the right.
Dumah looked lovingly at the scrap of parchment and bent as if to try and pick it up but found, most discouragingly, that his hands were already occupied by this ugly rock. So, in an attempt to multitask (which is inadvisable to try and provoke from Dumah ever again) balanced the thing in one strong arm and swiped up the tattered piece of magical text in the other. He squinted at it, concentrating hard on reading, he concentrated just a little too hard on the words and not quite hard enough on balancing. The statue swayed dangerously, from the left to the right, left to right as Dumah shifted beneath it, until Dumah (finally forgetting why he had it and that he had it at all) dropped it all together. Unfortunately (for Raziel, Rahab and Zephon at least) it toppled from his hand to the left, attempting to crush all who couldn't scurry out of the way of it's mass. Raziel, Zephon and Rahab were not quick enough.
Miraculously, with the combined effort of all three of them, the shock of catching it just shattered bones beyond humanly repair (luckily for them, they're vampires and they healed just fine if a little painfully.) The three of them huffed and puffed and managed to avoid being crushed to death.
"Why." Said Rahab breathlessly. "Did." He gasped for air. "You. Drop. It. This. Way?"
"Nuuuurrrrrrrrggg . . . " Zephon grunted, it was amazing that he made noise at all. His face was steadily turning from red to purple to blue.
"Why are you people so intent on making Kain kill me? Do you hate me or something?" Raziel strangled out in a pained voice.
Turel regarded his only elder brother for a moment before leaving him with parting comforts while he struggled. ". . .Yes . . . " And he walked away, Malchiah in toe.
Instead of listening to his brothers pleas and complaints, Dumah somehow, temporarily, found the brain capacity to noticed something actually worth noticing.
"Heeeeeeyyyyyyy . . . Doesn't that space there look suspicious? That one too! Something body, something body . . . it kinda looks like a word could fit in there, doesn't it?"
"I. Don't. Care. How. Screw-ie. The. Spa-cing. Is!" Huffed Rahab. " Just. Get. It. Off. Of. Me!"
"It kinda looks like . . . Man! What's the word that I'm looking for?"
"Heeeeeelp!" Zephon managed to squeak, dangerously close to passing out from the exertion.
"I know something could fit in there! I can feel it!"
"Can you feel two tons of Kain's head slowly and cruelly sapping your strength in order to crush you to death? Because I sure can, and I don't like it . . . " Added Raziel, unable to hold back his sarcasm even in the midst of a possibly fatale situation.
"I GOT IT!" Dumah roared.
"Congratulations . . . " Raziel muttered. Rahab was starting to struggle for breath while Zephon struggled to stand up.
"I think a 'some' could fit in there! 'Some body' . . . " Dumah concentered on the puzzling configuration of words. "Oh! I get it! 'Somebody'!"
"GREAT! FOR! YOU! DUMAH! WHY! DON'T! YOU! HELP! US! NOW?!" Said an aggravated Rahab.
"I gotta go show the guys this! This is amazing! Raziel sure would like to hear about this I think!" He looked pleased with himself.
". . . I'm right here. If you get this OFF OF ME, I'll be more than happy to praise your idiocy!"
"I feel like I'm forgetting something . . . Darn, I did it again! I'll ask Turel about it when I get back. He remembers everything!" Dumah gushed as if his brothers weren't even there and waddled away.
"Please . . . " Zephon gasped one more time and then passed out.
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Do you like it? I don't like the ending so much, but I'll live. It's about time I sent this to the public! I put the deadline at new years!
