How to Rob Your Bank

(3/4)

"After you, Milady." Hiccup gallantly held the door open for Astrid as they returned from their lunch break at the ice cream parlor.

"Wow." Astrid stopped short. The whole office had been cleaned in their absence. Sitting in the middle of the pristine room was Snotlout, who was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

Astrid eyed him suspiciously. "What'd you do?"

Snotlout put a hand to his chest. "Moi? Do something?"

Just then, the office phone on Hiccup's desk rang. Hiccup picked it up. "Hello, this is the New Berk City Times, Hiccup Haddock speaking."

"I WANT A WORD WITH YOU, HICCUP! YOU'VE MESSED THINGS UP AS USUAL!" the person on the other end bellowed. Astrid could hear it all the way from across the room.

"Hi, Dad," Hiccup greeted his father, Stoick Haddock, the only person in town who possessed a voice over one hundred decibels.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'HI, DAD'?! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Hiccup wrinkled his nose in confusion. He was always getting into scrapes and because of this, he and his father had a rocky relationship. This time, however, Astrid couldn't think of anything he had done wrong.

"DON'T PLAY INNOCENT WITH ME."

"If you would just explain-" Hiccup started, exasperated.

"THE ARTICLE YOU PUBLISHED! NOW THERE'S A RUN ON THE BANK!"

Oh, that was not good. Stoick was the president of the most prestigious bank in town, and if that bank failed, the economy of the city would collapse.

"I didn't publish-" Hiccup tried again.

"FIX YOUR MESS OR I'LL SHUT DOWN THE NEWSPAPER!" Stoick roared. The phone conversation was cut off with a loud bang.

Hiccup held the phone away from his ear and winced. "Guess who's the poster child for the year," he muttered, dropping the phone back into the cradle and burying his head in his hands.

Astrid had a bigger fish to fry. "What article is he talking about?" She crossed the room and grabbed a fresh newspaper from a stack. She read the blatant headline in shock. "SNOTLOUT!"

"You told me to get front page news!" Snotlout defended himself.

Astrid dropped the newspaper on Hiccup's desk for him to inspect. Hiccup quickly scanned it. "Where did you get this information?" he demanded.

"An ice cream store run by Johann the Trader. Someone said the bank was losing money." Snotlout looked smug. "Aren't you glad I heard it before another newspaper got a hold of the story?"

Astrid groaned, realizing his error. "Snotlout, we were at the same shop having ice cream and overheard the same conversation. The guy – oh, this is just great."

"What?"

"The guy you overheard was talking about the movie Mary Poppins," Hiccup said. "He said: 'I watched Mary Poppins last night. Mr. Bank's losing his mind, and all he cared about was money halfway through.'"

"You two had ice cream?" Snotlout asked.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" Astrid bellowed. "There's a run going on the bank right now, and it's going to be all your fault."

"This is bad. I'm calling the twins. Did Fishlegs go home?" Hiccup pulled out his cellphone. "This is so, so bad. Dad is going to kill me when I get home, if not sooner!"

"Maybe we could explain," Astrid suggested halfheartedly.

Hiccup shook his head miserably. "You know how he is. Every conversation we have is one-sided. Hello?"

Astrid turned her attention to Snotlout. "If you have an article, you're supposed to give it to us to edit it before you print it."

"There's at least three spelling errors in this," Hiccup observed, pulling the phone away from his ear as a huge crash sounded over the answering machine.

"I couldn't help it! I was rushed for time." Snotlout sniffed. "Is this the thanks I get?"

"Seriously?" Astrid's voice rose dangerously in pitch.

"HELLO! WE HAVE ARRIVED!" The front door burst open and Ruffnut and Tuffnut tumbled into the room.

"We couldn't tell," Hiccup quipped, although his voice was glum. He hung up the phone since it wasn't needed.

"Where's Fishlegs?" Astrid asked.

As if hearing her words, Fishlegs walked in the door, worriedly wringing his hands. "I didn't know the report was false," he said. "Snotlout-"

"Is fired," Astrid finished severely.

"WHAT?!" Snotlout shouted. "You can't do that!"

"You started a run on the bank," Astrid informed him, in case he hadn't heard the news the first time.

"Which we need to stop before my dad kills me," Hiccup reminded them.

"You started a run on the bank? That's so cool!" Ruffnut gushed dreamily.

"Can we go run on the bank?" Tuffnut asked.

"No!" Astrid slammed her fist on her desk, a favorite action of hers when she got too nervous or excited. "We need to find a way to fix it!" Hiccup was sweating and looked close to hyperventilation.

"We could rob the bank," Tuffnut suggested.

"It's not a big deal, guys," Snotlout droned. "Hiccup's dad is just flapping a coffin lid for nooo good reason."

Astrid could not believe Snotlout – or Tuffnut, for that matter. "It is a big deal, and we are not robbing the bank."

"Statistics show that robbing the bank would land us in jail," Fishlegs dutifully informed them.

"No one cares, Fishlegs," Ruffnut impatiently huffed, blowing a strand of her dirty blonde hair out of her eyes.

"Be nice," Astrid warned. "And quit getting off track."

"We could rob the bank," Hiccup said in a reasonable tone from his desk.

"Hiccup!" Astrid scolded, shooting him a nasty look. He wasn't supposed to encourage the twins' crazy schemes.

"Have you got a better idea?" Hiccup countered desperately.

Astrid's mouth dropped open in disbelief. "Well, I...I..."

"All right!" The twins slapped high fives. "We're going to rob a bank! We're going to rob a bank!" they sang as they linked arms and danced around the room.

"This is not good," Fishlegs worried to a bored Snotlout.

"Hold up! I didn't say that we were robbing a bank!" Astrid crossed her arms.

Snotlout checked his watch. "I'd say you have about thirty minutes until the bank runs out of money."

"Hiccup," Fishlegs said, "you're the owner of this newspaper. What do you say?"

Hiccup took his glasses off and massaged his eyes. "Tuffnut and Ruffnut, how fast can you procure fake guns and masks?"

He didn't need to ask twice. Like tornadoes, the twins zipped out of the room and within five minutes were back with all the necessary items for a hold up. "Don't ask," Tuffnut advised. Astrid didn't want to know why they were prepared to rob anything.

"Would it be all right if I stayed here and held down the fort?" Fishlegs asked timidly.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to," Astrid assured him.

"Great. See you later!" Snotlout started to walk out.

"Not you, you gold brick!" Astrid grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. "You're going to help!"

Ruffnut and Tuffnut had secured their masks. With them on, it was hard to tell the two apart.

"Here." Astrid shoved a mask onto Snotlout's head and selected her own. The silk fabric was hot and she tugged on it to get it comfortable. It was weird to look at the world through eye holes.

"We have black clothing, too." The twins held up nondescript hoodies.

Somewhat reluctantly, Hiccup grabbed an outfit out of the pile and headed to the bathroom to change. Astrid inspected a gun. "This looks real," she remarked.

"It's not." Astrid couldn't tell behind the masks, but it sounded like Ruffnut was grinning.

Hiccup came out of the bathroom. The pants were rolled up and the hoodie was three sizes too big on him, but it would have to do. He jerked a thumb towards the bathroom. "Better hurry up. Time's wasting."

A few minutes later, the whole gang (minus Fishlegs and counting Snotlout) were decked out in the black attire.

Astrid sighed, picking up one of the play guns. "Well, let's go rob a bank!"

"We are so going to regret this," Astrid groaned. She, the twins, Hiccup, and Snotlout were all standing in the alley behind the Bank of New Berk City while Hiccup messed with the lock.

"How much longer? This mask itches," Snotlout complained. The door clicked open.

"There," Hiccup whispered triumphantly. "Let's go."

"All right!" Tuffnut and Ruffnut crowed loudly.

"Shh!" Astrid hissed, wincing at how their voices reverberated in the hallway they had entered. She glared at the twins until they looked subdued. Everyone proceeded cautiously, pausing to peer around corners and hoping to evade any workers. Finally, they reached a door. From behind the metal came the sound of angry people.

"This is the door that leads to the long teller counter." Hiccup's voice was barely audible and Astrid had to strain to hear it. "When I say go-"

"Wait," Astrid interrupted. "Shouldn't we warn your dad before we do this?"

Hiccup shrugged. "Too late now. When I say go, we burst out in a surprise attack. Ready?"

Everyone nodded, although Astrid had to elbow Snotlout to get him to.

Hiccup counted down. "Three...two...one...GO!"

Giving the best Viking war cry in the history of Scandinavia, the twins led the charge. As they burst into the main area of the bank, they threw snapdragons onto the ground, causing gunshot-like noises.

"This is a hold up! Stick your hands in the air!" Snotlout boomed, although Astrid thought he could have put a little more effort into it.

What had been an angry mob of people demanding to have their money back turned into a quiet cluster of mice. The twins and Snotlout got behind the tellers while Astrid and Hiccup dealt with the crowd.

"Line up at the door!" Hiccup ordered, deepening his voice to a hilarious attempt at bass. The people obeyed, albeit slowly.

Astrid threw a snapdragon behind her back and waved her gun in the air. "Faster!" she barked, shooting Hiccup a look. They wanted the place cleared before the police showed up and arrested them.

"Get out! Hurry up, or else!" Astrid growled menacingly, although she wasn't sure what the "or else" was going to be. The pace picked up immediately and people started pushing against each other to get out of the building.

"Nice," Hiccup commented out of the corner of his mouth.

"It's all in the wrist. I HOPE YOU AREN'T CALLING THE POLICE!" Astrid yelled, seeing a teenage boy reach for his cellphone. The boy's hand snapped back to his side and he quickly elbowed his way out.

"Hey." Hiccup snapped his fingers. "You know what?"

"What?"

"Not a single person has tried to tackle us."

"Huh. You're right." Now that Astrid realized it, she was amazed that no pig-headed Viking had charged at them, trying to save the day. It was a good thing, because Astrid didn't think Hiccup was very good at self defense, although she herself could hold her own.

The last person tripped out of the door just as police siren wails filled the air. Hiccup closed and bolted the doors behind them. The run on the bank was stopped, and the money was saved!

"Let's get out of these masks!" Ruffnut rejoiced, tugging hers off. "Hey, thanks." She held out a hand to shake for the teller she previously had in a headlock. "It was nice doing business with you."

"What's going on?" another teller asked, confused.

"See you at the office!" Snotlout said, turning for the door.

"No, we won't. You're still fired!" Astrid shouted after him, pulling off her mask and unzipping her hoodie.

"Hey, can I keep this?" Tuffnut asked, holding up a wad of hundred dollar bills that a scared worker had dumped into his hands.

"No." Hiccup snatched the money and dumped it onto the counter. He grabbed a lollipop from a dish and shoved it into Tuffnut's hands to pacify him.

"What's going on?" the first teller demanded again, crossing his arms.

"My dad is Stoick Haddock, the president of this bank," Hiccup explained, scratching the back of his neck. "He seemed to think the run was my fault, so..." He spread his arms wide. "Ta da! Fixed it. Sorry."

"Guns, please!" Ruffnut requested, going around the group with a sack. Astrid dumped hers in, glad to be rid of it.

"HICCUP!" Stoick's voice resonated through the old architecture of the bank. The main door of the bank splintered open, and Stoick strode into the room with several police officers. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to put your hands behind your head and face the wall." A police officer approached Astrid with a pair of handcuffs.

"What have I done?" she cried. The others were receiving the same treatment.

The police officer gaped at her in disbelief. "Robbing a bank? Now, you have the right to remain silent..."

"SNOTLOUT!"

A/N: Thank you for your encouraging follows/favorites/reviews! I laughed so hard, CB73... Well, there's a short 800-ish epilogue coming the week after next or so. Thanks again!