N.B. : I do not own anything of NCIS .

" Regrets and ... "

chapter 3 .

Stillwater , Pennsylvania .

"Yes , Mrs. Farrell . This Italian pancetta is perfect for you 'spaghetti alla carbonara' ," smiled Jackson Gibbs , talking with his plummer's wife ,"I'm sure that your husband , Sam and your grandsons will really like it ,"

"How do you know that this perfect for my recipe ? I've always used bacon ," she asked , doubtfully .

"Leroy's Senior Field Agent told me that and cooked it for me . He's Italian and he's a very good cook ,indeed !" smiled the old man . He still remembered that nice evening that he had spent , some months ago , at his son's place , with him and Tony . He really liked that guy .

Tony reminded Jack his son , before some rough events of his life ruined his happy spirit and his cheeky smile . Gibbs was a father to Tony , and he was sure that Leroy loved Tony as a son and he'd liked that it were true , because it would meant that he could have loved that young man as a grandson .

The drugstore's door opened and Gibbs entered .

"Leroy ! What are you doing here , son ?" smiled the old man .

"Hi ," he said , seriously .

"I was telling Mrs Farrell about you and Tony and his famous 'spaghetti all carbonara' ... how's he ?" Jack asked , smiling .

Gibbs just stared him and the old man understood that something bad had happened , so when his client was gone , he asked concerned ,"What's happened to Tony ?"

Gibbs turned away from his father look . He didn't want to show him the tears in his eyes .

His father went to him , touched his shoulder and made him look at him ,"Leroy ..." he whispered .

Only another time he had seen that look in his son's eyes . When Shannon and Kelly died . He swallowed , wating for an answer , that came as a sigh ,"He's dead ," , whispered Gibbs .

The father hugged his son , tightly . "He died saving me ," . Gibbs was crying .

Jackson closed his store and hang a notice on the door : "Sorry , we're close . Family's issues"

The two men went to Gibbs family's house . Gibbs brought his suitcase into his old bedroom and then he reached his father in the kitchen .

Jack poured some coffee and they sat at the table . After 15 minutes of heavy silence , Jackson whispered ,"What happened ?"

"I've lost him ," sighed Gibbs , staring his cup .

"How ?"

"He got blown up ,"

The older closed his eyes , wincing ,"I'm so sorry ... Did he suffer ?"

"No , it was too sudden , but ... " he swallowed ,"He knew that he was going to die ... he was already badly injured ... they had already beaten him almost to death ... and all ... 'cause of me ,"

"Leroy ..."

"He was in Mexico to save Mike's family and ... " he swallowed "And ... to do my job , because Vance wanted to shut down the drug cartel and I ... I couldn't go there !" he roared .

"Oh , my God ," sighed the older man , thinking ,"You were exepandable for your own Director ... my poor boy ,"

"Thanks to him , we stopped Pamela Reynosa , when she tried to kill you ... but I couldn't stop his people to kill Tony in Mexico and ... all this because I killed her father to ..."

"Avenge Shannon and Kelly's death ," concluded his father .

"So , it's all my fault , dad ," sighed Gibbs , defeated .

"What are you going to do now ?"

"I quit ..."

"What ?"

"I left NCIS and I'll never go back ,"

"Do you think this is the right choice ?"

"I can't work there ... not without Tony ... I'd see him everywhere ," and swallowing he added ,"I can't ..."

"Do you think that he's sicrified his life just to see you throw away yours ? Do you think he would be happy to see you throwing away all that you two worked for ? You can't do that to him !" Jack said , firmly .

"He's not here , so it doesn't matter !" roared his son .

"And what about the others ? Do you think Tony would be happy to know that we've left them alone ? ... He did everything to make you proud of him ..."

"An he did it ... I am ... I was so proud of him ,"

"And 'ya think he would be proud of you now ?"

Gibbs raised his eyes and 'saw' Tony's angry look , in Autopsy , after 'Domino plan' or on the plane that had brought them home from Mexico ,"No , he wouldn't ," he whispered , grinnig softly .

"You can't disappoint your 'boy' ... or better ... your son ," Jack said softly , and seeing his son's suprised look , he added ,"Oh , come on , Leroy ! I'm old , but I'm not stupid ! I've seen you together and I know how important you were to him and ... how important Tony was to you , so I understand why you think you can no longer work at NCIS ... but you can't make his sacrifice vain ,"

The old man stood up , squezzed his son's shoulder and left him alone .

Gibbs needed to think . He knew that his father was right . Tony would have never wanted him to quit his team , but ... no ! He couldn't go back to NCIS and see someone else at Tony's desk .

Never !

Washington D.C.

Vance had given them a day off-duty , but they were still in the Squadroom . They wanted to stay alone , but they couldn't go anywhere . Leaving NCIS Building was as leaving Tony alone . They felt that , if they had gone home , they would have accepted his death ... they couldn't .

Ducky broke the heavy silence ,"Did someone call Anthony's father ?"

"Yes , the Director did , two days ago ... after Gibbs' call from Mexico ?" answered McGee .

"What did he say ?" asked the ME .

"They agreed to do the funeral here in DC , since Tony's friends are almost all here ," swallowed the Agent ,"Then , there will be a private ceremony for his family in Long Island ... and they buried his ... well , they'll put a photo next to his mother's on their family's tomb ," he swallowed again , trying to push back the tears .

Abby hugged him crying . Ducky nodded patting Jimmy's back , that was trying to not cry .

Ziva looked all of them and , without saying a word , went away .

"Ziva ! Where are you going ?" McGee called her .

She didn't answer . She just took the stairs and ran away . She couldn't breathe .

Some minutes later , Ziva was running along the Potomac River , crying all her tears .

"Why , Tony ? You were ... you were so many things for me ... you were my friend , my older brother , my stone ... you understood me more than anyone else , even if , probably , you've never realized it ... we could have even been lovers , but we didn't because ... because you were so correct and respectful with me ... you've always respected me , more than I've ever respected you ... you had my back ... you always had my back and I ... I've been so stupid and mean with you . You've saved my life so many times ... I was the tough assassin , the ultra-trained officer , but ... it was you who's risked more to save me ... my stupid and wothless life . What will I do now ? What will I do without you ?".

She stopped , panting , in the middle of the Arlington Memorial Bridge and looked around . Everything looked like so normal . So annoyingly normal !

The traffic . The river . The sky . The sun . For the rest of the world that was just another normal working day . Nothing else .

But for Ziva , it wouldn't be the same again . She has lost her best friend , her brother . The man that had tought her what was the love for another person , without ulterior motives , if not the care and affection that only family's members share .

"I want you back , Tony !" her soul was shouting .

"Come on , Jimmy . I'll drive you home ," said Ducky . The young ME nodded , following him . He needed someone who told him what to do .

Jimmy has lost the first real friend that he had ever had . Tony called him "Autopsy Gremlin" , but he respected him too . Tony had helped him to become more confident in himself and with women .

In the last few years , they've spent a lot of time together and they've got along very well . It was easy to be Tony's friend . He was always nice and happy . He seemed care-free and juvenile , it was just a mask . Tony was a caring and deep man , that was always there everytime he needed someone to talk .

DiNozzo was a great person and he wanted him back in his life .

Mr. Palmer was in the locker room , changing his clothes , so Ducky was alone in the Autopsy . "Oh , Anthony , I'm so sorry ," he sighed . He had said the same word to Kate's corpse , but now he didn't even have a body to talk to .

Ducky opened Tony's file , sighing . Only a few sheets of paper that told many things about the valiant and very competent Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo , but that didn't say anything about the man that they had learned to love and estimate .

"How many things you hid in your heart , my boy ... how much sorrow and despation behind that charming and impertinent smile ... and ... how much love you've given all of us , though nobody has never taught you how to love or take care of another human being . You taught to yourself how to be a honest , loyal and caring man ... and you've done a really good job , my dear ... you were our joy , thoughtlessness and smiles , but you were also our ... love for life and for this unsual family ... you've protect this family more than anyone else and I don't really know what we'll do without you,"

He felt so old and tired . Maybe that was the right moment to retire . Anthony's death has been the final blow .

McGee and Abby were still in the office and she was still crying in his arms .

"Abs , please .. stop crying ," whispered Tim , folding her back .

"I can't ," she sobbed "I want him back ... he should be here , smiling and teasing you ,"

"I know ," sighed Tim , thinking ,"And you can't even image how much I'd like to hear one of his 'McSomething' or have my fingers glued to my keyboard !"

"Why ?" , she whispered .

"I don't know , Abby ,"

"Why Gibbs didn't save him ? Tony was in Mexico for him and he didn't save him !" she cried , detaching from his hug ,"And Franks ? Tony's already saved his daughter-in-law and his granddaughter ! He owed Tony everything !" she bursted out .

"Abby , calm down , please ," said McGee quitely .

"Calm down ? How can you say that ? How can you be so calm ? Don't you care about Tony ?" she was so angry and upset . She needed someone to blame .

"What ?" barked Tim ,"How you dare tosay such a thing ?"

Abby looked at him shocked . She's never seen Timmy so angry and furious .

"Tony was my Senior Field Agent . The man that taught me how to be a good Agent ..."

"More than Gibbs ?" she asked surprised , sniffing .

"Gibbs was the boss , the model for all of us , but Tony was the teacher . The go-between that deflected Gibbs' anger and headslaps . Gibbs is right ... " he swallowed ,"I should have listened to him more , instead of thinking that I'm ... I was better than him ... Now that he's gone , I understad what he's done for me and what kind of man he was ... Tony was the best friend that I've ever had and ... I'll never be able to tell him ," . Tears was runnig down his cheeks .

"Oh , Timmy ," sobbed Abby , hugging him , thightly .

"I miss him ," whispered Tim .

"Me too ," whispered Abby , remembering Tony's hug and words , when Ari killed Kate .

"What will we do without him ?" they all were thinking .

TBC .

Please , review ! Thanks :)