Saturday morning, December 19 2009

"Race ya to the elevators!" Alex yelled, running across the lobby over to the set of elevators. Bailey and Andy ran after him, Jade walk a little quicker but didn't bother with this 'race'. Shaun and I continued walking slowly, like we'd been doing all morning. It was weird, the whole morning he'd been hanging around with me. I mean not that I had a problem with that. But when we went down to the cafe a few streets away from our hotel for breakfast he pretty much pushed Alex out of the way so he could sit beside me. When we walked to and from the hotel he walked along slowly next to me. Talking, about the shows we'd done and stuff. I had a thought, maybe Jade told him everything. But I trusted Jade, he wouldn't tell anyone. Especially 'cause I made him promise not to.

"What happened to you last night?" Shaun asked. I looked at him, pretending I didn't know what he was talking about. I really didn't. Did he see me cry or was he just asking why I'd left early.

"Nothing, why?" I replied. He shrugged.

"I don't know maybe it's just because you ran out of the club crying last night?" he said. I felt offended, was he trying to be rude to me? Or did he really just want to make sure I was okay. I bit my lip trying to figure this all out.

"I just wasn't feeling well and I wasn't much in the mood to go to a club. I just came back here early and watched TV and stuff," I told him quickly. We reached the elevators just as the doors closed with Bailey, Jade, Alex and Andy inside. They grinned at us and waved as the doors shut completly and we were left alone.

"Are you sure there's nothing else wrong? You've been acting kinda weird lately. You don't talk much and you're really quiet," he said, pushing the button to call for the elevator. We stood back away from the doors in case people came out of the elevators. I shook my head.

"There's nothing wrong," I told him. Last night after I told Jade everything he had left me alone, he said he'd tell everyone I was sleeping. I did go to sleep early though, I had a pounding headache and I just wanted to forget everything. This morning he spoke to me a bit but didn't say a thing about it all. This morning I was in a sort of good mood. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad. I was in between. I had those bad, angry thoughts in the back of my mind but right this moment they didn't bother me. Plus, Andy hadn't been rude to me all morning.

"Bradie, just tell me. Please, I mean I only want to help. I know something's up," he said. I sighed and stared at the elevator doors. We were the only ones there, no one would know if I told him right now.

"There's nothing wrong, really. I just haven't been feeling all that great these last few weeks," I said. I guess they would have to notice something was wrong sooner or later. I hadn't gone out with them much after shows. I didn't talk much unless I had to, or I was in a good mood. And I spent all my time in the van sleeping, unless I had to drive.

"Bradie, please," he said, looking me straight in the eye. He was worried, "I just. . . I think you should tell me what's wrong. I'll help you and you can be happy again," he said seriously. Fuck you Jade, now I know you told him.

"What do you mean I can be happy again?" I asked. He shrugged and finally one of the elevators doors opened. No one got out so we got in and pressed the button for our floor. The doors shut.

"You just seem down all the time," he said, "Like something's always bothering you." He's on my side, I thought. He really wants to help me, just like Jade wants to help me. Well, he's not doing a very good job considering he broke his promise.

"I do feel down all the time," I said, quietly. I looked at him and he smiled.

"I'll help you," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. I smiled back at him just as the elevator doors opened and he pushed me out into the hallway. I stumbled but caught my balance and pretended like it hadn't just happened. We walked down the hall to our rooms and went inside. Well, Shaun did. I had to knock on the door of Room 26 and wait a minute or two before Alex answered the door. I smiled at him and walked past him to my bedroom. It was about 10:30am now, we were supposed to leave by midday. Now, we had to pack our stuff and take it down to the van. I went to mine and Andy's bedroom. He was in there, packing his things. He looked up when I came in and then looked back at his suitcase that was half packed. I picked up my suitcase from where it was on the floor at the end of my bed. I put it on my bed and opened it. I wasn't very good at packing. I grabbed my dirty clothes that were in a pile on the floor and dropped them in my suitcase. Then I grabbed my phone charger and put that in. I went next door to the bathroom and got my toothbrush and stuff and dropped that into my suitcase too.

"I think I've packed everything," I said. I turned to look at Andy who was folding his clothes before putting them in. He looked at me for a second before opening his mouth.

"You okay?" I stood up straight, was it that obvious?

"Yeah I'm fine, kinda tired," I said and left the room. I went to the next bedroom where Alex was just closing his suitcase.

"You almost ready to go?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah I'm pretty much packed," he said, bringing his suitcase out into the lounge room. We didn't have to leave for a while but I wanted to leave as soon as possible so I could forget everything that had happened on tour. I went next door to Shauns room. The door to their room was open and they had music blasting from the TV. I walked inside to the first bedroom. Bailey and Shaun were in there, shoving all their clothes and things into their suitcases.

"Are you guys nearly ready to go?" I asked.

"Yup!" Shaun called without turning around. I went into Jade's bedroom next door. He was sitting on his bed, chewing on his nail, next to his closed suitcase.

"What're you doing?" I asked. He looked up, he hadn't noticed I was there.

"Nothing, just thinking," he said and stood up.

"You nearly ready to go?" I asked. He nodded. I smiled back at him quickly and went back to my hotel room. I went into the bedroom and grabbed my backpack and suitcase. I took them out to the lounge room.

"We're leaving in a minute," said Alex as he came into the lounge room. His suitcase and bag were on the floor. "I hope I don't forget anything."

"I can't wait to get home," I muttered, shoving past him with my suitcase and bag. I went over to the hallway window and looked outside. I put my bags on the ground and stared at all the people rushing around. It was sunny outside and it hurt my eyes to look anywhere but down at the streets.

"I'm ready!" Andy called coming out of the hotel room with his stuff, Alex following him. They dropped their bags next to mine and went to see if the others were ready yet. Amazingly, they were. We all went down in the elevators to the front desk to hand in our key cards. Andy and Bailey went up to the desk to hand them in while the rest of us stood outside, except Jade who had gone down to the underground carpark to get our van. Shaun and Alex were talking quietly to each other, standing right on the curb while I sat on my suitcase, everyone elses bags surrounding me. Andy and Bailey came outside a few minutes later and Jade arrived with the van. We threw our suitcases into the back of it and got in. Jade drove and I sat in the passenger seat. Bailey and Andy sat in the middle seat with Alex and Shaun sitting behind them. Shaun and Alex were still talking quietly amongst themselves. Jade pulled out of the hotel drive way and took off down the street. I put my feet up on the dashboard, shut my eyes and leaned my head against the window.


Saturday night, December 19 2009

I did fall asleep there in the van. I didn't mean to, I decided I'd stay awake and try and act normal by talking to Jade. But I was a little tired. I woke up when Jade started shaking me.
"Bradie!" he yelled into my ear. My eyes shot open and I looked around. It was darker than it was when we had left. I must've slept the whole way. "We're going to eat," he said, motioning to the strip of fast food places and restaraunts we had parked along. I nodded and yawned. I still felt sleepy, like I was imagining this. I hopped out of the van, the others had already gotten out and were headed out to eat. Shaun and Alex were headed for McDonalds. The others decided to go to a Chinese take-away shop. I went with Shaun and Alex. They had already left but I knew which way they were headed, the big 'M' sign glowed brightly. I walked along quickly, looking out for them until I spotted them up ahead. I walked quickly and caught up to them. They were talking quietly to each other. Still? I wanted to know what they were talking about, I know it's not my place to listen in on their conversation but they had been talking like this all day and I wanted to know what was going on. I walked about a metre behind them and kept my head down. They hadn't seen me.

"So it probably started a few months ago. He didn't just suddenly start acting like this," Alex said to Shaun. Shaun stayed silent for a moment. Oh shit, they've spotted me.

"Yeah but I just don't get why he wouldn't say anything. How can he live like that?" he said. Me. They're talking about me. I stopped walking for a moment, annoyed that Shaun told him. My mouth drooped down into a frown and there was a sinking feeling inside of me. I was in a shitty mood now. I sighed and decided I would catch up with them anyway. I'll ask them about it. Maybe I was just being paranoid. They weren't really talking about me.

"Hey Shaun! Alex!" I called running to catch up. They stopped walking and turned around to see who was calling after them. They exchanged looks as I caught up to them. "Hey," I said, smiling small at them.

"Hey, how are ya?" Alex said as the three of us started to walk together.

"Fine," I said, pretending I hadn't heard that last part of their conversation. I knew we were getting closer to McDonalds, the big 'M' sign was getting larger and brighter as we got closer.

"What were you talking about?" I asked.

"Nothing much, just the shows and stuff," Shaun said. I nodded. So he wasn't on my side after all. They're both still with Andy. We walked on to McDonalds not talking much. When we got there we went in. I sat at the table Alex picked out and they went to order our meals. It didn't take long. After a few minutes they both slid into the two chairs across from me. Shaun handed me the medium fries I had told him to get me. I picked out a few fries and shoved them into my mouth. We ate in silence. Until I broke it. I had to tell them. It was like being told a huge secret, and you just can't keep it to yourself. You have to tell someone. Atleast this time I was telling the person who sort of 'told' me the secret. It wasn't so bad.
"After this-" Alex started just as I was about to speak.

"I heard what you were talking about," I said. They both stared at me for a second before looking at each other. They were both suddenly uncomfortable.

"Don't lie, I heard you. Why would you tell him?" I asked, looking at Shaun. He turned a light shade of red and wouldn't look at me.

"Well he was worried too and he asked so I told him. It doesn't matter, I mean it's only Alex. He's not gonna run out and tell everyone," he said, quickly. I looked at Alex.

"You better not tell anyone," I said to him. He nodded.

"I'm not going to. I'm sorry, but it's not like I forced it out of him. I just noticed you've been different and I asked him and he told me," Alex said, shoving a heap of fries into his mouth.

"Just don't tell Bailey. Do you think you can do that?" I asked them. They didn't say anything. They didn't have time. I got up, leaving my barely eaten fries on the table and walked out of the restaraunt. It was even darker out now, so I hurried back down the street to the van. I folded my arms to keep warm from the cool night. When I got back to the van the others hadn't arrived yet. I sat on the bonnet, arms folded, waiting for them. People looked at me funny as they went by but I ignored them.

"I'm going home tomorow, I'm going home tomorow," I told myself over and over again. Don't cry, don't get angry. Stay calm 'cause I'm going home tommorow, I told myself over and over again. I don't know how long I sat there, actually it was probably only twenty or so minutes but it felt like forever. They all came back at the same time. Andy, Bailey and Jade had brought their food with them. They claimed they wanted to get to our next hotel soon. Alex and Shaun kept looking at me but I made sure I didn't look their way. I was angry. Why would he do that? Even Jade hadn't told anyone and he knew worse stuff than Shaun! I got into the van, sitting in the same seat as before, and slammed the door shut. The others got in and we left for our next hotel. My mood changed for half a second when I realized Andy hadn't been rude all day. But then I remembered why I was angry in the first place and I was back in that angry mood again.

The hotel was only about half an hour away, in the middle of nowhere. It was a small hotel with only two floors. We were on the second floor in room 5. This time we were all sharing a hotel room. There were five beds, so two of us would have to share or one of us would have to sleep on the couch. I dumped my bags on one of the beds by the window, there was no way I was sharing or sleeping on a couch.

We were all tired from the drive today so we lounged around on the two couches, watching TV and talking. Jade sat between Andy and I on one couch and the other three squished onto the couch opposite us.

"I'm so sick of getting up early," Andy complained. Shaun laughed.

"Well we're getting up early tomorow 'cause I wanna get home by dark," he said, playing with his phone. Andy sighed.

"Guess I'll have a shower then since I won't have time in the morning," he said, getting up and going to the bathroom. He shut the door behind him. We all continued to stare at the TV, bored. There was nothing much to watch. We were just wasting time until we were tired enough to sleep. Suddenly Andy's phone started to ring. He'd left it on the coffee table in the middle of the room. We all stared at it, trying to read whose name was on the screen.

'When there's no where else to run, Is there room for one more son, One more son, If you can hold on. . .' his ring tone started to play, getting louder and louder. Making everything worse and worse. Because that angry feeling I'd had since we went to McDonalds instantly dissapeared and was replaced with something worse. I was sad, again. Those tears rushed to my eyes. But I blinked them back and pretended to watch TV. No one answered his phone, so the song rang out through the room. I couldn't handle it, I reached forward and silenced the ringing. Everyone watched me and Jade noticed I was on the verge of tears. I took a deep, shaky breath. I never used to cry this much, just every couple of days. Since we've been on tour it's gotten worse.

"You alright Bradie?" Bailey asked. I looked up at him and nodded. I looked away before I wiped away the tears.

"Why're you sad again?" Jade asked, leaning forward to look at my face. I shook my head.

"I'm not, I'm fine," I said. The others watched me silently, except Bailey. He was staring at me, confused.

"Why would you be sad?" Bailey asked, looking from each of us, still confused. Alex and Shaun shrugged but Jade spoke up.

"'Cause he's always sad," Jade said, like Bailey was stupid for forgetting that. But the thing was, he didn't forget. He never knew. Jade shut his mouth as soon as he said it, realizing what he'd done. I looked at him, my eyes a little blurry.

"I'm sorry," he said. I shrugged.

"Doesn't matter. Everything's ruined now," I said, staring at him with blurry eyes, "Don't any of you dare tell Andy," I threatened them before I got up and walked to the door.

"Where you going?" Shaun called after me but I ignored him and went out into the hallway. I started to walk but I suddenly had the urge to run. I got this feeling when I was angry, like I had too much energy. I figured that's part of the reason I hurt myself when I'm angry, not just sad. I ran down the hall, down the stairs, through the lobby and out into the cold night. The cold air hit me hard, it hurt. It froze my fingers and toes right away, feeling like something was stabbing me. I stared up at the sky. Partly to calm myself down, and to stop me from crying. It did work though. After a few minutes I wasn't crying, I was calm and I wasn't angry. The running had gotten rid of that angry feeling.

What should I do now, I thought. I can't just go inside and act normal. Act like nothing happened. They know something's up and Bailey will probably ask me all these questions. Now the only one who doesn't know is Andy. If he found out I'd really and truly be ruined. He'd tell my parents. My parents would ask me about it and treat me different. Then they'd find someone to help me and I'd probably have to take some sort of medication. I'd rather this life - feeling sad and angry all the time - than that life - being different from everyone else. Though I sort of already am different. I'm the odd one out, the one everyone hates.