~AL~

All I Could Do Was Cry

October 1995

~AL~

The next couple of weeks went by with stolen kisses in the parking lot of the bar we frequented. We didn't want anyone to know about us, so we had to be careful. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were the only people we told, but the others in our group were suspicious.

I had many reasons why I didn't want anyone to know. I came to find out that Edward's wife used to work with him in the cargo department, and she still had many friends around the airport. I wanted Edward to make the decision on what he wanted to do with his home life not because his wife kicked him out after finding out he cheated. Of course, I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to be the reason for their split. I had to find out more about their marriage. He was always so closed off when it came to her.

I also didn't want anyone in our department to know because it would put a wrench in the promotion I was working toward. The promotion would make me Edward's boss, and I wanted to make sure it wasn't held against me. One of the rules at work was you could not be a direct supervisor of a spouse or relative. I didn't want people to think I was capable of favoritism. I knew it wouldn't be a problem because I knew how to separate business from pleasure, but in general people didn't always tend to believe that.

Another reason was that I wasn't separated from Mike yet, although it was something that held a priority. I planned to tell Mike that it was over and he needed to leave soon. That was going to be difficult for me to do. I didn't want to be married to him, but I didn't want to intentionally hurt him either. Above all, we were friends first and we shared a son together, so we needed to be civil.

It was another Friday, about three weeks after my tryst with Edward. We were meeting at the bar we called The Eight Ball, because the sign had a picture of a big eight ball with a cue stick on it. On Friday and Saturday nights, they had local bands that performed. Some of them were really good and played often. It was a sports bar that served lunch and dinner and at night the dinning area would double as a dance floor. Part of the dining area was cleared for a dance floor. They had one-dollar Coronas for airport employees, and we always took advantage of that special.

One of the guys in our group, Alec, was a deejay for fun. Alec was a good friend and like a brother to me, although my other friends seemed to think he wanted more, as if he was only nice to me because he wanted to get into my pants. Alec was not attractive at all, but his personality was kind and genuine. He was quite tall, shaved his head because he was bald, and was a bit heavy set, or maybe just big boned. If you didn't know him, he looked quite intimidating.

I got to know the owner of the bar pretty well, and I hooked Alec up with a part-time gig whenever he wanted it. The band that played that night was an eighties cover band, and they were pretty good. Alec was the deejay while the band took breaks, and that was when we would all have a blast. Alec knew how to fill the dance floor, and he played all of our favorite songs.

When Rosalie, Alice, and I heard the opening lyrics of Lamento Boliviano by Los Enanitos Verdes, we started to scream and ran out to dance.

Me quieren agitar
me incitan a gritar,
soy como una roca,
palabras no me tocan
adentro hay un volcan
que pronto va a estallar
yo quiero estar tranquilo

I loved to dance, and could dance all night long. Everyone knew that, around me, they had to dance or I would drag them out on the floor. The guys would act put out, but they secretly loved it.

I danced with everyone and looked around for Edward. I spotted him sitting in one of the booths drinking his beer and looking a bit solemn. I shrugged it off and figured I'd talk to him afterward. The girls and I were having too much fun to let his mood swings ruin the night for us.

The lights flickered to warn us that it was last call. We ran up to the bar to get one last beer to cool off from all of the dancing we had done. Saturday was my day off and the day I planned to tell Mike to move out. I dreaded that whole discussion because I knew it wouldn't go well, and I honestly didn't expect him to just say "okay" and go.

It was time to leave, and I asked Edward if he had a few minutes to talk before he went home. We agreed to meet around the corner so no one would see us together. I said good night to everyone with hugs and kisses.

"Call me tomorrow if you need anything," whispered Alice as we hugged goodbye.

"I will. Thanks," I replied.

When I arrived at our meeting place, I saw Edward's car and knocked on the passenger window so he could let me in. I heard the click of locks and jumped in quickly because I was excited to be alone with him. When I got in the car, I expected to be greeted with a kiss or a hug, but he just sat there looking out the window.

"Hey, so I wanted to talk to you," I said as I looked at his brooding expression. I instantly knew something was wrong. It was so difficult to know what mood I would be met with. His moods swung like the pendulum of a clock.

When he finally answered me, it was with an uninterested voice. "Okay, I wanted to talk to you, too."

Great, with the mood he's in, it can't be good. So I decided I would get out what I had to say before he could ruin my moment.

"So, I wanted you to know that I'm going to tell Mike to move out tomorrow. I don't want to be this person that is a cheater, regardless of the state of my marriage. So yeah, I just wanted you to know." I rushed out.

Of course, I was hoping he would tell me he was leaving Jane, too. He continued to look out the window and crushed me in that moment with his words. "Um, well I wanted to tell you that … Um … I don't want any problems and that I'm happy at home. What happened between us was a mistake and can't happen again," he said. It was so quick and mumbled I wasn't sure I heard it right.

What the Fuck?

My heart leapt into my throat and I instantly felt nauseous. I couldn't speak, so I just sat there, stunned into silence. I had so much to say, but needed to gather my thoughts before I said something I would regret. Talk about mood swings; I wanted to kick his ass. So I decided to just pacify him so I could get the fuck out of there.

Suddenly, angry tears welled up in my eyes, but I didn't want to cry in front of him. "That's fine. I wouldn't want to be the cause of your problems. It's not like I was the one that started this shit. Whatever," I spat and jumped out of the car as fast as I could.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! Once I was in my car, I took off quickly, pounding the steering wheel with my fist. I must be the most stupid bitch in the world. Fuck! I pulled out my cell phone and called Alice.

"Fuck, you're not sleeping, are you?" I asked quickly before she could say hello.

"No. Not yet. What's wrong?" she asked.

I broke down. I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Bella, what's wrong?"

"I just … I just … I can't! I knew the risks and I knew that I could get hurt. I was the one that always spoke about my problems and my marriage, but he never said anything about his. I just thought that we shared a connection and that he felt the same for me as I do for him."

I decided to pull over because I was too hysterical to drive. "Alice, I told him that I was going to tell Mike tomorrow that I wanted him out. That our roommate status just wasn't working anymore." I searched my car for a napkin or tissue because my nose was running from crying so much. I found one, wiped my face and nose, and continued. "But I don't know Alice. He was acting weird all night anyway and then in the car he was just looking out the window. He wouldn't even look at me. The kicker is though, he told me that what happened was a mistake and that he didn't want any problems."

I took a deep shuddering breath. I was so hurt and emotional.

"You know I would tell you if I knew anything, but he is so private with his life. He never talks about her to us. They haven't come over here to visit my mom in a few months, but it's not like they came over a lot since they've been married anyway. Edward calls my mom everyday, but that's it. No one in the family is knows what goes on between them. I know they fight a lot, but I don't know anything more," she told me.

"He never said anything to me about her and I shared everything with him. What kind of idiot am I, Alice? I didn't expect what happened between us to happen, but it did. I just thought it meant more to him like it did for me. I feel so used, but I fucking love him, Alice."

"Honestly, I think something has been going on between them. Edward would have never been with you if things were good with her, and I see how he looks at you. He has feelings for you, Bella, but whatever his turmoil is, it must be bad. Let him work out his shit, and you take care of yours. It will all work out. I know it. It's late and I want to sleep. Call me tomorrow after you talk to Mike, and we'll take Matthew to the park. Okay?" Alice's voice was full of conviction. I heard rustling in the background as if she was getting into bed and decided she was right. It was too late to try and make sense out of this.

"Thanks, Alice. I love you. I'll call you tomorrow." With that said, I hung up.

~AL~

I felt tiny little fingers tracing my eyelids, and slowly I opened my eyes. The most loved person in my life greeted me. "Hi, baby. How did you sleep?" I whispered as I laid kisses all over his little face. He giggled in reply.

"What do you say kiddo? How about we get our day started?" I asked.

I carried him down the hall into the kitchen and asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He still spoke in sounds, semi-words, and pointing. We taught him English and Spanish and may have delayed his speech because of that, but the few words he did speak were in Spanish. Lifting his chubby little finger, he pointed to the box of cheerios and said, "eche." That was his way of saying milk in Spanish.

I sat Matthew in his highchair and prepared his breakfast. Then I looked into the living room to see Mike still asleep on the sofa. I sighed as I thought of the disaster that I was going to face in a little while. As much as I wanted him to move out, I didn't want to see or deal with the devastation that would cross his face once I told him. He had always been a good friend, but just didn't know how to be a good husband. I finished preparing Matthew's breakfast, and began to make myself some coffee.

"Good morning," I heard from behind me. I turned around to see Mike standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Good morning. What are your plans for today?"

He stood there stretching and scratching his stomach while he thought. With a yawn he said, "Nothing. Why?"

"Sue is coming at nine to pick up Matthew for a bit because we need to talk," I told him. Sue was Charlie's wife and a real mother figure to me. She was always there for me since my own mother was so flighty.

Mike asked, "What do we need to talk about?" Argh, I knew he would ask, but there was no way I was starting this conversation with Matthew there. "We'll talk when Matthew leaves."

I finished feeding Matthew and took him to my room to get him ready to go with Sue.

I heard the knocking on the metal security door and yelled to Mike to answer it. Then I heard Sue's voice coming toward my room.

I walked over to greet her with a hug and kiss. "Good morning, thanks for coming. Do you know what you two will do today?"

"Oh, we're just going to go back to the house and bake cookies. Your dad should be home in an hour or so, and we'll probably take him to walk around the lake and feed the ducks," she said.

They lived in a nice community that had a beautiful, manmade lake. The property was used as a filming lot for MGM studios back in the day and now has a community of townhomes on it. The lake was in the middle with a really nice clubhouse that could be rented for parties. The grounds were really beautiful, and Matthew loved to feed the ducks that hung around the lake.

"Well, save me some cookies, and I'll call before I leave to come and pick him up. Leave word with the security guard at the gate that I will be coming by, just in case you guys are at the lake when I arrive," I told her.

With a kiss to my cheek she said, "No problem, we'll see you later. Matthew, give your momma a kiss."

Matthew puckered up his little red lips and gave me the wettest kiss ever. "Bye baby, I'll see you later. Be good for grandma, okay?" I squeezed his chubby little cheek and looked at Sue. "Thanks for taking him."

I jumped in the shower to calm my nerves and go over in my head how I wanted to start the conversation. No matter how many times I tried to work it out, I knew it wouldn't go as planned. I just hoped he would keep his composure and not get violent. I finished getting ready and went to find Mike. He was stretched out across the sofa watching TV.

I looked at him and said, "Hey, you want to turn that off so we can talk?"

He clicked the TV off and looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to begin. Shit, I don't know how I am going to start this conversation. I started to shake a bit from nerves, but I wasn't really afraid of him when he was sober. I just wasn't sure how he would react.

"Um, so I wanted to talk about us. You know things have been different with us for a while now, and it's like we've been living like roommates instead of husband and wife. I'm sorry; I'm just not in love with you anymore and haven't been in a long time. I have held off on doing this for a year because I wanted to see if anything would change, but it hasn't." I sighed and took a cleansing breath. "You can't hold a job, or you refuse to. I've had to work two jobs and take care of everything here, and all you do is babysit. You are a violent drunk, and if that isn't reason enough, I don't know what is."

I chanced a look at him and he was pale. But I was on a roll and felt a huge sense of relief. "I'm just tired of you trying to kill me when you drink, and I don't want to have to worry about what might happen if you succeed. What would happen to Matthew? You don't think about those things and your friends seem to be more important than us. I'm tired of this and want you to move out - and soon. I've been thinking about this for a while and just think it's time. Today would be great."

His eyes were watery. I knew I was going to come off as the bitch, but it had to be done. I had to keep my ground, and stay strong.

His tears fell as he said, "What? You want me to move out? Now? Really?"

"Yes. I'm sorry; I don't want to hurt you, but I have to think about Matthew and myself. You seemed to stop worrying about us a long time ago," I said sternly. I needed to him to get the point and take me seriously. It wasn't just a whim. "So, I'm taking Matthew to the park while you pack and leave. Take just your personal items and clothes. Do not remove any furniture or things that belong in this apartment. As long as your son lives here, everything will stay."

"So, where am I supposed to go?" he cried.

"I don't know maybe you can stay with your mom." I answered.

I heard the phone ring and thanked heaven that it did. It was perfect timing. I ran over to the phone sitting on the bar.

"Hello?"

"Bella? Are you done?" asked Alice.

Thank fuck. Boy did she have perfect timing.

"Yeah, just about. I need to get ready. Come over any time, I should be ready in half an hour," I answered.

I turned around to finish my talk with Mike and screeched when he was standing right behind me.

"Um, so I'm going to finish getting ready. Alice is coming over and we're going to the park. I really wish you would make this easy for all of us and pack your stuff and leave. Leave the key on the counter before you go. I'll call you so we can work out a schedule with Matthew," I stated calmly and walked off to the bathroom.

I just hoped the approach I took worked. I didn't want him to cause any trouble, but I knew in reality it was too good to be true.

~AL~

"So, how did it go?" Alice asked while we sat on the surprisingly clean park bench. Matthew was climbing up the small stairs to go down the baby slide. He looked so happy and completely oblivious to the fact that I had just kicked his father out of the house.

I looked her in the eyes and said, "I was really nervous that he was going to freak out, but he didn't. Which, now that I think about it, seems worse? But otherwise it went well. I just told him what I needed to and asked him to pack and leave."

Alice looked at me pensively. "Huh. So he just sat there and didn't say anything?"

"Nope. Nothing."

I jumped up to join Matthew on the slide. Every time he reached the bottom, I would scoop him up and tickle him. My Matthew was so precious. Always so well behaved. He was the perfect little boy.

"Alice, can we go over to your house for a bit?" I asked sheepishly.

She jumped up screeching, "Oh yes, that would be perfect. My mom has been asking about Matthew. I'm sure she'll help us keep an eye on him so we can talk."

"Okay, let's go. I need to vent."

As soon as Alice turned the key in the door and swung it open, Esme grabbed me into a tight hug. She was the most incredible woman I had ever met. She worked so hard for an interior design company and still took good care of her kids, home, and husband. I was surprised I didn't put two and two together as soon as I met Edward. He looked just like his mother. Same gorgeous eyes that were as green as the Caribbean ocean. Esme's hair was long and wavy, but light brown like the color of caramel, just like Edward's. Alice looked just like their dad, Carlisle. He had dark black hair that was straight and just naturally went back. I would have to look at him more closely since I knew Edward. I wanted to see what they had in common.

"Hi, Esme. It's so nice to see you," I said, squeezing her back. Then I turned to Matthew who, was squirming his way out of Alice's arms.

"Hey kiddo, come give Esme a big hug." He smiled big and ran straight into her arms. She picked him up and kissed him all over his face.

"Mom, we're going to sit on the back patio and let Matthew run around and play," Alice told Esme as she grabbed Matthew.

"Okay kids. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks Esme. Don't worry about us. Take a load off, you work too much." She laughed shaking her head.

"Alice, have you spoken to Edward at all today?" I asked.

She cleared her throat as she looked around and said, "He, uh. Um, I uh, I called him this morning and told him to explain himself. He pretty much told me to fuck off. But Bella, you must know that he won't talk until he's ready. He is extremely private and stubborn." She was looking around and didn't seem to be too comfortable with the topic. "Honestly, I think there is something going on with them in a bad way. The thing is, he may never say anything about it. He will just do what he needs to. If he thinks he can fix things and be happy, he will stay with her so he doesn't look like a failure. He just has this complex where he doesn't like looking stupid."

I could understand the whole feeling like a failure part. I had struggled with that for over a year. Especially since my dad told me I shouldn't marry Mike, and he didn't even know I was going to marry him. He was just trying to prevent the marriage from ever happening. Charlie was right about Mike, but out of stubbornness, it took me a while to make a decision about my marriage. Stubborn me married him and I was suffering the consequences.

I sighed. "I understand that, Alice. I really do because I don't want to look like a failure either. I just wish he'd known all that before he fucked me. I had always had feelings for him and now I'm just screwed. I mean, I'm glad he told me before we went any further, but this feeling sucks and I hope it doesn't affect our friendship."

Alice grabbed my hands. She was such a compassionate person and really showed when she cared about someone. I was truly lucky to have her as a friend.

"Although I don't know what is going on, I feel like it will be okay. He's an over thinker and once he realizes that Jane is a lost cause it will end. Then, on his own, he'll own up to his feelings for you. I know his feelings are more than he's let on."

I huffed because it was exasperating. "That's the thing; he told me he has feelings for me. It also showed in every kiss and touch. I respect him for wanting to fix his marriage, but I just wish he'd known that and didn't string me along."

~AL~

As I drove home, I wondered how I'd gotten myself into that mess. Mike better had moved out, because I couldn't deal with his shit. And Edward had me feeling crazy. He had the potential of bringing me to the highest of highs when things were good and crushing me as he did the night before with his news. Most of all, I needed to talk to him. I missed his voice. I wondered if his little speech meant I couldn't call him anymore.

Fuck it; I'm calling him as soon as I get home.

I arrived home and tiptoed inside. I looked around to ensure Mike had really left. Once I was sure he did I was able to relax. I got Matthew settled for bed, and put on his favorite movie of the month, Fly Away Home. He loved it when the little girl called the ducks…"Hey hey hey hey."

I settled at the kitchen table so I could have a bit of privacy and still keep an eye on Matthew.

"Hello?" my gorgeous green-eyed monster answered.

"Hey you. Is it okay that I called?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure."

Okay. Now what? "So are you going to talk to me about what happened last night?" I asked, a bit of my frustration evident in my voice.

He sighed heavily as if I was bothering him. "Bella, I made a mistake and got some things wrong. I'm sorry I got you involved. I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to be honest with you. I just need to take care of stuff at home. That's my priority."

"So, I'm supposed to just forget that you fucked me and led me on these past couple of weeks? You didn't know you were "happy" before you took that next step with me? Fuck, I'm hurt and I'm pissed. I never thought you would take that step to just back out," I whined angrily. `

"Oye, te hablo mañana. Estoy trabajando y ya me llego mi vuelo. Okay?" he told me he would call me tomorrow because his flight was arriving and he had to go. I forgot he was at work, and didn't want him to get in trouble for not meeting his flight. Great, so I wasn't getting anywhere tonight.

"Bueno, bye." Suddenly I felt exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. I turned off the movie and picked up Matthew.

"Come on, little man. It's time for bed.

~AL~

Oye, te hablo mañana. Estoy trabajando y ya me llego mi vuelo. = Listen, I'll call you tomorrow. I'm working and my flight just came in.

~AL~