Oh my god its been way too long since I updated anything I feel really bad about it but unfortunately real life has got in the way and I just haven't had the time nor inclination.

Fortunately my inspiration for my Transformer stuff seems to have picked up again so here's the new set of rules, hope you enjoy.

And remember if anyone has any suggests feel free to let me know I only need about 12 more to reach 100!


21) Don't hang air fresheners in the Autobots' alt-modes.

(Apparently their nasal receptors are quite sensitive and air fresheners reek to them.) – Will.

(That explains why Ratchet got pissy and dumped that recruit out when he realised where the smell was coming from.) – Epps.

(Yeah, better than what Sideswipe did when someone put one in him though.) – Will.

(Oh?) – Epps.

(Dumped him out, tied him down and stuffed a load of old socks in his mouth.) – Will.

(Eww!) – Epps.

(I know, the Weapons have started taking bets on what the next culprit will be punished with.) – Will.

(… What are the options?) – Epps.

(Epps!) – Will.


22) Don't practice stealth tactics after a horror movie night, it really doesn't end well.

Faelan was currently whimpering and burying her face into Will's shoulder so she couldn't see the screen. Why the hell had she agreed to watch this movie?!

It was Friday which meant movie night, they all tried to get together in the rec. room to relax from the stresses of N.E.S.T. at least once a week, and tonight it was Epps' turn to pick the movie, he'd chosen Saw. Which had led to Faelan currently cowering on the sofa, sandwiched in between Will and Jazz's holoform. She flinched at the bloodcurdling scream of the latest victim and shot a small smirk at Epps before grimacing as creepy music started playing, by the look on Epps' face she wasn't the only one wishing they weren't watching this movie.

The rest of the soldiers were alternating between flinching and making disgusted faces at the screen whereas the Autobots were a mix, most of them looked horrified and questioning humanity for ever making movies like this. Ratchet looked disturbingly fascinated by what was being done to each victim and that made her really worried about the next mandatory health check, Ironhide actually looked a bit bored and appeared to be discussing the methods used with Barricade, Blackout, Splitskull and Cutthroat. Dragon and Phoenix were completely ignoring the movie and actually making out on their couch, she didn't want to know how they could be in that kind of mood with all the screams in the background. The only other Weapons there were Whistle and Shriek and they seemed to be getting more amusement out of watching everyone else's reactions compared to watching the movie.

Half an hour later the movie had finally ended and everyone sat there in tense silence for a few minutes before Will spoke.

"Epps isn't allowed to pick on movie night ever again."

There was unanimous agreement before people started fidgeting and looking nervously at the door.

Cutthroat rolled his eyes. "Pansies. Are you really afraid to go to sleep after watching that?"

There was a bit of nervous laughter with everyone avoiding each other's eyes but the gist of it was… yeah they really were.

Eventually they worked up the courage to leave for the barracks in large groups until Faelan, Will, Epps, Jazz, Barricade, Whistle and Shriek were the only ones left. They were just about to leave when the lights cut out and Faelan whimpered clutching at the arm of Jazz's holoform, stupid horror movie!

Suddenly a scream pierced the silence and she heard swearing from the humans and Jazz and Barricade pushed her between them, Whistle and Shriek drew their axes and ran towards the noise. The others followed after the Weapons and jumped when Fae shrieked as something grabbed her from behind. What followed next was a lot of swearing and fighting until Epps found a light switch and illuminated the room.

They all glared daggers at the downed forms of Blaze, Blast and the holoforms of Mudflap and Skids.

"What. The. Hell?" asked Barricade through gritted teeth.

"We were only trying to surprise you," mumbled Skids.

"Yeah! You overreacted man!" exclaimed Mudflap while Blaze and Blast both cringed away from Whistle and Shriek's furious expressions.

"So you had to pick the night we watched a horror movie?" asked Jazz incredulously.

"We were practising stealth tactics?" offered Blaze and Blast in unison sheepishly.

Barricade snorted. "Considering who is here why the pit would you think that was a good idea regardless?"

"No stealth tactics on movie night, please?" sighed Will rubbing his forehead tiredly. "I thought I was gonna have a heart attack."

They all started in surprise when Fae latched herself back on to Barricade and looked up at him pleadingly.

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

He raised an eyebrow. "… Sure?"

"Why not with me?" asked Jazz pouting.

"Because Barricade is a mean, scary ass mother fucker who won't hesitate to shoot first ask questions later," she explained. "And right now that's what I need to even think about going to sleep."

"Definitely banning stealth tactics on horror movie night," mumbled Will.


23) Humans and Cybertronians alike watch your language around Annabelle, Prick and Poke and the Sparklings. They are young and impressionable plus their 'parents' will hunt you down.

(Really everyone should know better.) – Will.

(To be fair this is an army base, we're not used to having minors around so much, Prick and Poke live here and we're still not used to it. Pretty sure they've already heard worse from Splitskull anyway.) – Epps.

(But it's not that hard to ask that people watch their language around the kids, we don't need Annie repeating what she's heard in school.) – Will.

(Changing the language you say in it doesn't work either because the Sparklings can understand pretty much every language and Prick and Poke know a fair few as well. Fig found that out when one of them replied to him in Spanish.) – Epps.

(I think Faelan is mainly amused, she only really hunts people down to lecture them.) – Will.

(Unless the swearing was aimed at her 'babies', then she hunts them down with the intent to harm.) – Epps.

(I think 'Hide nearly gave that guy a heart attack for swearing around Annie, tackled Sideswipe too when he didn't check if she was there first.) – Will.

(In other words always check who is in the room first, it will save you a trip to the med-bay.) – Epps.


24) April Fool's Day is never to be celebrated on base, Ratchet threatened to go on strike.

"Huh, it's nearly April," mused Faelan glancing at the calendar in bemusement. A couple of the Weapons perked up and started grinning widely.

"You know what-" started Blaze.

"That means?" finished Blast before they turned to look at each other smiling excitedly.

"April Fool's Day!" they cried in unison.

The quadruplets immediately huddled together and started whispering about what they could do this year… and how to get back at Bullseye for last year's stunt.

"What's April Fool's day?" asked Sideswipe looking confused.

Everyone turned to look at him, even all the soldiers and techies in the room, but to their amazement all of the Autobots seemed confused except Jazz and Barricade who had participated the last few years while Faelan was still at school… and therefore not on base with the rest of the Autobots. But surely some of the members of N.E.S.T. had pulled some pranks over the last few years in front of them?

There was an outburst of noise as everyone tried to talk at once to explain what April Fool's day was, the Autobots listened while also going over the data files Jazz had just sent them from when he had researched it while living at Faelan's home. Gleeful looks dawned on the faces of Sideswipe, Bumblebee, Skids and Mudflap while some of the others were shooting horrified looks at the known pranksters, some of them looked like they were fully contemplating hiding in their rooms when April 1st came round.

"No."

Everyone turned to look at Ratchet in surprise.

"No what?" asked Faelan confused.

"No, we are not going to be celebrating April Fool's day on base," he said sternly crossing his arms.

There was a moment of stunned silence before…

"What?! Why not?!"

"Ratchet don't be such a fun sucker!"

"Why the hell-"

"I said no."

"Why Ratchet?" asked Optimus calmly making the others quieten.

"Because I will not be spending all day treating bots that get caught up in pranks," he grumbled. "And there will be injuries, there always are. I have enough work to do without a day of pranks increasing my workload, thanks you very much."

"Well we wanna do it," insisted Sideswipe. "So what are you gonna do about it?"

The medic shot him a nasty smirk. "I'll go on strike."

There was a shocked silence before the noise started up again.

"Well… that's not too bad…"

"If it's only for one day…"

"There probably won't be too many injuries."

"Yeah he's being paranoid."

His smirk grew. "I'll go on strike and you'll have to go to Wheeljack for any repairs you need caused by pranks for the rest of the week."

As one all the bots turned to look at the inventor who was sitting in a corner quietly tinkering away at something while Faelan watched and Barricade hovered nervously nearby. As if sensing their stares Wheeljack looked up in confusion.

"What?" The tech he was fiddling with gave an ominous beep making Wheeljack look down in alarm. "Slag."

"Hit the deck!" hollered Barricade sweeping Faelan up in his claws and diving away from the inventor.

There was a BOOM and a lot of smoke, by the time it cleared Wheeljack was covered in soot and there was a small crater in the floor in front of him.

Everyone turned back to Ratchet who was looking at Wheeljack in exasperation before noticing their stares.

"I wasn't joking about going on strike by the way."


25) Don't upgrade/modify the soldiers' weapons in any way, structure or form. No exceptions. (It was been agreed giving Faelan tips to make her own weapons does not count.)

(This is so unfair man!) – Epps.

(Epps…) – Will.

(But it is! Faelan gets tips to make her own but the rest of us just get to watch with jealousy as she completely blows up everything in her path!) – Epps.

(Pretty sure she'd do that anyway, whether they gave her tips for her weapons or not.) – Will.

(Still uncool.) – Epps.

(You know it's so the government can't force the Autobots to hand over their weapons and reverse engineer them for mass production for the armed forces, that would decimate all our enemies and quickly make us the target of every country in the world, not mentioning the mess if another country managed to get hold of one.) – Will.

(I know, it just sucks.) – Epps.

(Hey at least we've got Faelan and the Weapons.) – Will.

(True, they tend to steamroll over our opposition with great glee when they're on the battlefield.) – Epps.

(You'd think it would make the recruits more wary around them but at least one is being sent to the med-bay a month still.) – Will.

(No survival instincts, there's no other reason for them to join this crazy squad, it just means they're also stupid enough to antagonize those lot too.) – Epps.


26) Don't attempt to confiscate/hide/remove humans' coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, donuts etc as a joke or being serious, they won't take it well. (Only exception is if you think rule 20 is needed.)

(That was not fun.) – Will.

(You're telling me! I can't believe Ratchet confiscated all the coffee, soldiers live off coffee!) – Epps.

(Those were a few really bad weeks, everyone was moody, tired and trigger happy.) – Will.

(… So we were all acting like Ironhide basically?) – Epps.

(… Yes.) – Will.

(The only reason we got them back at all was because Mikaela, Maggie and Faelan all had 'that time of the month' at the same time and terrorised the Autobots into giving their chocolate back.) – Epps.

(That would have been funnier if they weren't so terrifying, I don't blame the bots for giving it all back so quickly.) – Will.

(Especially when Faelan pulled out that flame thrower and threatened to barbeque them.) – Epps.

(Where did she even get that? It makes me really paranoid to know she has one.) – Will.

(I think Barricade smuggled one in for her after the last mission.) – Epps.

(… He's going to regret that one.) – Will.


27) The excuse 'it was a dare!' to excuse behaviour or damage will not be accepted by superior officers, especially not Ratchet.

"Well?" asked Optimus looking stern. "What do you have to say for yourselves?"

There was awkward silence as Sam, Bumblebee, Mudflap, Skids and the quadruplets stood there fidgeting, none of them dared say a word. They were being stared down by Optimus, Will and Mikaela, none of whom looked very happy, at this point they were just grateful that Ratchet wasn't here as well.

"It was only a bit of fun," mumbled Slick staring at the ground.

"You went dumpster diving. From the roof," grit out Will glaring. They all squirmed awkwardly.

"It was a dare!" cried Sam no longer able to tolerate the silence.

The three of them just stared at the group in disbelief.

"What. The. Hell," ground out Mikaela looking furious. "That is not an acceptable excuse! Arcee and Ratchet nearly had spark-attacks when they saw you jump!"

"Who dared you anyway?" asked Optimus suddenly looking suspicious.

"… Fae," said Bee eventually toeing the floor sheepishly at their incredulous looks.

"And you actually did it?!" gaped Will. "You should all know better than to go along with her crazy stunts!"

"Don't like backing down from a dare, especially from her," muttered Sleek as his siblings nodded.

Silence.

"FAELAN!"

"Whatever it was, I didn't do it! You have no proof!"

"Get here right now Faelan Amelia White!"

"NEVER! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! MWAHAHAHA!"

"DAMN IT, GET BACK HERE!"

"Why do we know so many crazy people?"


28) The human road laws, like speed limits, are there for a reason, please obey them for the sake of any humans riding with you and the other humans on the road.

Will patted Ironhide's steering wheel nervously, he was getting pretty agitated at being stuck in traffic and had been constantly complaining about how slow human vehicles were.

"Really, we could have been back at base over an hour ago! We're taking the next turn off too, this is ridiculous!" he growled irritated.

"No kidding, this sucks!" whined Jazz through the comm. link in the radio.

"Sorry guys, you know the rules," said Will sympathetically. "You have to blend in which means following human road laws."

"It's a shame Barricade isn't here," came Faelan's voice. "We could have got through with his police sirens." Some muttering came through from Sideswipe before Faelan growled. "I heard that Sideswipe, you better run when we get back to base or me and Jazz will string you up by your pedes again."

Will and Epps exchanged amused looks as they continued to bicker over the radio until Ironhide roared at them to shut up and stop giving him processor ache. There was blessed silence for a few minutes and Will thought that was going to be the end of it. Until…

"I have an idea," purred Faelan making the other humans gulp nervously.

"Err Fae, I don't think-" started Will.

"No seriously," she interrupted. "There's open land running right alongside the interstate and no barriers to keep us off it, so why don't we use it as a short cut to get around all this traffic."

"Faelan we can't! It's against the-" said Epps.

"Sounds good to me," rumbled Ironhide cutting him off and starting to nudge the other cars around him aside, ignoring their horns and yells of protest. "Much better," he said once he got clear and onto the desert earth.

"We're gonna get in trouble," groaned Epps burying his face in his hands. They all perked their heads up at the sound of a loud high performance engine getting closer, they barely saw Jazz' silver form speed past through the cloud of dust he left in his trail quickly followed by Sideswipe who was whooping with glee at being able to cut loose.

"Come on old timer, you're so slow!" cackled the silver twin as he sped past making Ironhide rock on his shocks at the drag wind he left behind.

Will and Epps both paled as Ironhide revved his engine loudly. "'Hide no-!"

What followed next was a lot of screaming and swearing from the soldiers while Faelan cackled and egged the Autobots on as they raced each other back to base, all three of whom ended up in the brig once they got back for the many near collisions they'd caused not to mention blatant disregard for the rules and nearly giving the soldiers heart attacks at their driving stunts.

"Next time you have an idea Fae, keep it to yourself!"

"Mwahahaha bring it bitches! You're just jealous me and Jazz totally left you guys for dust."

"Oh I'm gonna be sick."

"Dude! Not on my upholstery Epps! Get out!"

"Urgh…"

"Fucking pansies."


29) The Government liaison is not to be harassed, threatened or pranked in any way by anyone. (Except Faelan because it's part of her job and she has to deal with his bullshit every day).

(Spoilsports.) – Epps.

(I agree, it's not fair that Faelan is the only one officially allowed to get back at Galloway.) – Will.

(Well… he won't come near you anyway after you parachuted him from the plane, plus the Weapons are all going to ignore this rule anyway, and Jazz, Barricade, Blackout and Sideswipe. What are the chances Ironhide will ignore it too?) – Epps.

(Pretty high, Galloway wants to stop Annie from visiting the base, says it's a security risk, which it technically is but no one will stand for it if she's banned from visiting and 'Hide will get a lot more cranky.) – Will.

(Very true, does Faelan know?) – Epps.

(Oh yeah, you know how she's been avoiding her paperwork? She finally finished it all so she could dump it all on him in one go, the pile is literally taller than she is and he has to go through it all before he can come back again.) – Will.

(So she's harassing him legally through paperwork?) – Epps.

(Said that if she had to suffer through the tediousness that is bureaucracy then she will bury him in it… that and she paid someone to slip laxatives into his fruit juice at home.) – Will.

(That girl is scary. Do I want to know?) – Epps.

(No you really don't, it just makes me paranoid that anyone in the street might be part of her network of 'friends', seriously she knows people all over the world and none of them seem normal at all, I am not discussing how many 'supernatural creatures' I have discovered are very much real since meeting her.) – Will.

(Err right… so Sam is her only normal friend?) – Epps.

(Yeah which is kinda sad, oh she also got Ghostnet to hack into his home security and set all his electronics to go haywire while he's at home, so who knows when he'll get a chance to actually look through that paperwork.) – Will.

(Scary.) – Epps.


30) Never let Fig cook.

Epps sniffed the air curiously as they entered the canteen. "What is that?"

Will and Faelan were sniffing the air too looking confused.

"I have no idea, is it lunch?" asked Will sounding slightly worried.

"I have never smelt food like that before," said Faelan. "And believe me I've eaten some pretty bizarre things."

At that moment the kitchen door burst open and Fig came bounding out with a big grin on his face and carrying a large pot.

"Oh no," murmured Epps turning a bit pale.

"What?" asked Faelan confused, Will had also turned a bit pale and seemed to be looking around for the nearest exit.

"Fig never shut up about barbequed gators when we were in Qatar," whimpered Epps eyeing the approaching pot with dread.

"Alligator?" she asked eyeing Fig curiously. "I've never tried that before."

The two soldiers both shot her incredulous looks, she wasn't disgusted?

"Hey guys, mama sent me her recipe so here we are!" Fig cried happily slamming the pot down on the table and dragging them to sit down.

Will and Epps both turned green at the smell the pot was emitting and then went white when Faelan grabbed a spoon and dug out a mouthful to taste, it was with a horrified fascination that they watched her chew, testing all the flavours on her tongue before eventually swallowing.

"It's not bad," she said with a shrug dishing up everyone a bowl. "I've certainly eaten worse things."

Fig beamed at her and happily started eating his own bowl while the other two exchanged nervous glances before hesitantly trying a taste, because if Faelan was eating more then surely it couldn't taste that bad.

There was an immediate rush for the waste bin to spit it back out before they ran to the kitchen for some water to wash their mouths out. Faelan and Fig just stared after them totally unimpressed before going back to their food.

"Uncultured, unappreciative prats. Wouldn't know good food if it hit them."

"Oh well, more for us."


Hahaha I love writting these, they're so much fun! I nearly have the next chapter finished too so there might be a new one posted fairly soon.

Hopefully I will post a new one for Soul in a Spark too sometime soon.

Hope you enjoyed reading.