A/N: This chapter is perhaps my favorite thing of anything I've ever written, largely in part because it is so different. I've always included humor in my stories, but never to such a large degree as it is seen in this chapter. I hope everyone gets as much of a kick out of it as I did while writing it! This chapter was inspired by the Christmas Carol 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'. All characters are Meyer's, I'm just having fun borrowing them. 'Anyhoo', without further ado, here is the third installment in my Christmas chapters.
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This is dedicated in two parts: first to Leah, who loved this chapter from the very first second; second to DisneyVampire, for her wonderful message, her own Christmas spirit, and the rekindling of her memories of a family Christmas. This chapter is for both of you.
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Little Saint Emmett
Not that the Cullens ever slept, but night was considered the down time for them. Normally, they each had their own private nights and those nights only ended when each couple said they did. Apparently that was no longer taboo when Alice Cullen wanted to put her Christmas plans into action.
She burst into Emmett and Rosalie's room an hour before dawn on Christmas morning and grinned at them. "Alice!" Rosalie chastised.
"Don't worry – I knew you two wouldn't be in the middle of anything. No harm done." She replied.
"For crying out loud!" Rosalie hissed. "We can help you when we're ready to."
Alice frowned at her sister before turning her eyes on Emmett. "I need your help especially today." From the gleam in her eyes, Emmett knew he was in trouble.
"What is it?" Emmett asked, sitting up straighter on the bed and squaring his shoulders in preparation for her attack.
Rosalie rolled her eyes, crossing her arms in front of her. Emmett grinned apologetically at her.
"Well, for years I have wanted to put this plan to action, and I have finally managed to collect the coveted suit," Alice explained happily.
Emmett frowned, clearly missing the whole point. Rosalie, on the other hand, burst out laughing. "Alice, you can't be serious."
"I most certainly am," she countered. "I think Emmett will make a wonderful Santa Claus."
"What?" Emmett said quickly, finally catching on to what Alice wanted him to do. "Alice, no."
"Emmett, yes," she said with a smile. "You're going to love it."
Rosalie, having decided that the humor in seeing Emmett in a Santa suit far outweighed her disappointment at the abrupt end to their time alone, leaned closer to him and began to kiss his cheek. "Emmett, it would be very nice to see you as Santa."
Emmett's attention was totally focused on his wife now as she kissed him long and slow. "Would you do this?" She continued in a sultry voice. "For me?"
"Yes," Emmett agreed instantly.
"Perfect," Alice chimed in. "I'll see you both downstairs in ten minutes." After she turned and left the room, shutting the door behind her, Emmett looked at his wife again.
"Are you trying to tell me you have a thing for old, fat, happy men who enjoy the color red far too much?" Emmett asked with a smile.
Rosalie laughed, sliding slowly on to his lap and kissing him again. "Not at all," she purred. "I have a thing for seeing you dressed up. I love a man in a uniform, even if he does have a white beard."
It was Emmett's turn to chuckle as he pulled Rosalie towards him, twirling a strand of her hair around his finger. "You know, Mrs. Claus," he said slowly, "she did say we had ten minutes."
Rosalie couldn't help her grin as she leaned in to kiss her husband again. Oh yes, this day would be fantastic.
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By the time Rosalie and Emmett made their way downstairs, Alice was frowning at them, but they weren't about to apologize. For one, she had definitely been able to see that they were going to be late getting downstairs. Two, it would be a lie to apologize when neither of them meant it.
"All right, Emmett," Alice said, clasping her hands together in front of her. Jasper was standing next to Alice, his face lit up with eager anticipation. "Your suit is in Carlisle's office. You need to be dressed before Renesmee arrives."
"What are you going to say about where I am?" he asked.
Alice shrugged. "We'll think of something," she promised.
"Does she even believe in Santa Claus?" Emmett asked, gritting his teeth.
"Of course she does," Rosalie said quickly, her own excitement increasing.
Jasper couldn't contain his chuckles as Emmett groaned and walked into the office. After closing the door behind him, Emmett turned his gaze to the suit laid out on the desk and chair. He could not recall from his own human memories if anyone in his family had ever dressed as Santa, and realized as he studied the suit that this might actually be fun.
On the other side of the door, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper had moved to the living room to join Carlisle and Esme. Esme had put on a CD of Christmas carols and Carlisle had set out a few gifts. The rest were inside a burgundy satin-lined bag waiting for Saint Emmett to hand them out.
"Does he know you've planned for him to come down the chimney?" Carlisle asked, his gaze settling on Alice.
She frowned thoughtfully. "I guess I should have told him that."
"I'll tell him," Rosalie offered.
"No way," Alice replied quickly. "I'll go tell him. I have to also ensure he knows that Renesmee is not supposed to see him until he comes down the chimney."
Jasper could not control his fits of laughter now. "I hope he gets stuck," he said with a grin, knowing full-well that the possibility was slim to none.
Alice disappeared from the room, throwing her love a warm smile as she made her way out to Carlisle's office. The rest turned to the back of the house in time to see the remaining Cullens and Jacob arrive on the other side of the stream. Christmas-time was here for sure, now.
They entered the house quickly and wished everyone a merry Christmas. Alice entered the room and clapped her hands together in excitement. "Nessie! You're wearing the dress."
"It's beautiful, Aunt Alice," the youngest Cullen said as she held her skirt out to the side. "I love this dress."
"I knew you would," Alice replied with a smile. "Your mother on the other hand…."
"Alice, again?" Bella asked with a loud sigh.
"It was worth a try."
Edward took pity on his poor wife and led her to the couch. Everyone else found places to sit and then looked at each other, waiting to hear what was next on Alice's agenda. Rosalie's eyes darted every few seconds to the chimney, and when Edward heard her thoughts, he burst out laughing.
"Don't have a mental breakdown, Edward," Jacob warned with a laugh.
As Edward opened his mouth to respond, he was interrupted by loud, over-exaggerated footsteps on the roof. Renesmee's eyes were drawn up to the ceiling just as everyone else's was. "What is that noise?" Alice gasped.
Renesmee, sitting on the couch between her parents, slipped her hand into her father's as a few grumbles carried down the chimney. "Who is it?" she whispered.
"I think it may be Santa Claus," Bella whispered to her daughter. She had pushed her shield out to encompass Edward to discover what was going on. When she had thought Is Emmett dressed as Santa? Edward had nodded, unable to keep the smile from his face.
Everyone was looking absolutely exhilarated to see Emmett, each looking at the fireplace in anticipation. "Should we light a fire?" Edward joked in a low voice.
Esme glared at him.
"It was a joke, Mom," he said instantly, holding up his free hand in a symbol of his apology. Though Esme had not enjoyed Edward's joke, it had only served to make Jasper laugh harder. He hadn't been this hysterical in a very long time, and a bubbly sensation washed over them all.
With a slight shout, Emmett announced his entrance down the chimney, landing perfectly at the bottom. Rosalie was perhaps the most eager of all, leaning forward in her chair to see her strapping husband fitted into a beard and big black boots.
Emmett ducked his head and stepped out of the fireplace. "Ho ho ho!" he said quickly. He stopped after that, clearly at a loss as to what to do next. His family was having difficulty not laughing directly at him. Alice had apparently added pillows underneath his shirt to make him have his belly that would shake like a bowl full of jelly. Jasper stood up quickly and left the room, absolutely shaking with the effort to keep his laughs silent.
Emmett's eyes fell upon Renesmee and he walked over to her, grinning down at his niece. "Hello, Renesmee!"
To everyone's – but mostly Alice's – delight, Renesmee's eyes widened as she looked up Emmett standing before her and her expression remained one of awe. In her quiet, nine-year-old voice she said, "Santa?"
"Yes, Renesmee!" He smiled at his niece. "I've come with presents for you!"
Everyone looked at Emmett's hands to see they were both empty. Emmett appeared at just as much of a loss.
"Uh, Santa?" Bella said quickly. "Did you forget your present bag up on the roof with your sleigh?"
"Damn it!" Emmett hissed under his breath. Bella narrowed her eyes at him.
"Daddy," Renesmee said in a low voice to Edward. "Did Santa just swear?"
Carlisle put his head in his hands the quickly dissolving situation. Edward was barely able to contain his laughter as he replied to Renesmee, "Yes, sweetheart."
"I'll put myself on the Naughty List," Emmett cut in, imitating the generic Santa-tone. "It's not a good place to be, so I don't want you to ever end up there. Will you promise?"
Renesmee nodded eagerly as Jacob snorted. Alice glared at him to silence him before looking back at Emmett. "Santa, your presents?"
Emmett glared briefly at his sister, whom he blamed all of this on, before saying, "I'll return in a moment! I'm going to use the front door, though."
As Emmett left the house, Jasper returned. "Santa forgot his bag of toys?"
Alice nodded as she stood up from her armchair so that Jasper could sit down. Once he had, she sat down on his lap and took his hand in hers. "Yes, even though Santa was told beforehand, he still forgot the toys."
"Are you enjoying having Santa here so far, Renesmee?" Rosalie cut in, shooting Alice a 'look'.
Renesmee looked at a loss for words as Jacob said, "Of course she is. So far he's stomped all over the roof, forgot the presents, and swore. What's not to love?"
Emmett came back in, then, carrying the bag over his shoulder. He set the bag down in the middle of the room. "Ho ho ho!" He called out again. "Are you excited for your presents?"
As Renesmee nodded eagerly, Esme said, "Santa, aren't you supposed to have her sit on your lap and ask her what she wants first?" Renesmee looked positively thrilled at the idea. Alice grinned at Esme in thanks.
"Santa will need a chair," Emmett replied, staring at Alice and Jasper. The pair sighed and Alice rolled her eyes as they stood up and moved to stand near the fireplace. Emmett sat down, noticed he was directly across from Rosalie, and winked at her before turning back to his niece. "Come on over here, and hop up on my lap!"
Renesmee nearly ran to Emmett and hopped up on his lap. Once she had, she gave him a hug. "See? I told you this was a great idea," Alice whispered hastily to Jasper.
"No argument here," Jasper returned.
"Well, Renesmee, have you been a good girl this year?"
"I've tried," Renesmee said quietly.
"What do you mean?" Emmett asked.
Renesmee looked worried. "Do I have to say?"
"Not if you don't want to," Emmett replied, not really knowing what to do. Everyone was looking at Renesmee with a concerned expression.
"But how will you know if I'm naughty or nice?"
"Santa knows everything."
"Except that you're supposed to bring toys the first time around," Edward interjected. Emmett glared at him, sending a silent threat his way.
"Anyway," Emmett continued. "Renesmee, you are the sweetest most loving little girl ever and you are at the top of the nice list. Nothing you could do would put you on the naughty list."
Renesmee still looked unsure, and just as Emmett opened his mouth to continue, she blurted out, "But I accidentally ruined one of Aunt Rosalie's shoes, and I wanted to tell Mama right away, but she wasn't there, so I told Aunt Alice. Aunt Alice helped me hide them and told me she'd keep it from Aunt Rosalie."
Rosalie looked at Alice curiously. Alice didn't look the slightest bit sheepish. "Rose, do you even know which pair it is?" After Rosalie shook her head, complete with a murderous glare at Alice, Alice continued, "Renesmee, don't worry. If anything, I'm on the naughty list."
Renesmee grinned to show her relief at the same time as Emmett said, "Rosalie is on the naughty list, too."
Renesmee turned to look at him, "Why is Aunt Rosalie on–?"
"Present time!" Bella interrupted in a yell. Jasper had to leave the room again.
Carlisle leaned towards his wife, "Is this how you thought it would be?"
"Well, it is Emmett," she whispered back, making sure Renesmee didn't overhear.
Bella was staring at Emmett as though she were plotting his death. Emmett glanced around the room, clearly flustered at being Santa. His eyes settled once more on Rosalie, who could not seem to wipe the grin off her face that being placed on the naughty list had given her. "I'll need an elf to help with the presents," Emmett said. "How about Aunt Rosalie?"
Rosalie sprung up off her chair as though it had electrocuted her. "Anything to help Santa," she agreed, the double-entendre very apparent in her voice. Edward groaned and placed his head in his hands.
Emmett grinned widely. "Just open up my pack and search around for Renesmee's present."
"Presents, isn't it?" Alice couldn't help but correct.
"Well," Emmett started as Rosalie opened the pack. "Aunt Alice just seems to know everything, doesn't she?"
In total, Rosalie pulled out five presents for Renesmee. It was Emmett's turn to fake the over-exaggerated gasp at the sight of the presents. Renesmee's eyes were glistening. "Why don't you sit near your parents and open your presents, Renesmee?"
She nodded quickly and hopped off his lap, hardly sparing a glance at him as she ran back to the couch. She reclaimed her seat in between her parents as Rosalie set the stack of presents in front of her on the floor. Renesmee grinned at her as she tore into the first one.
"Hey Elf," Emmett called out in a low voice. As Rosalie turned to face him, he patted his lap. Rosalie didn't waste any time as she sat on his lap and Emmett wrapped his arms around his lovely wife, ignoring the glare Edward shot him for his thoughts.
Emmett, so caught up in his wife, did not notice Edward's glare or Alice's frown. To Rosalie, he said quietly, "Oh yeah, you've been very naughty."
Rosalie leaned closer to him, her lips an inch from his. "What have I done, Santa?"
Emmett's eyes were on Rosalie's lips as he said, "Mmm you're just so good." With that, he kissed her, a long, drawn-out affair. If Alice's heart could beat, she would be having heart palpitations right now. She didn't dare draw attention to them, though – Renesmee had yet to notice, and that would be all they would need.
Bella, upon noticing Emmett and Rosalie had instantly spread her shield to cover them to spare Edward from hearing their thoughts. He smiled at her in utmost gratitude before turning back to Renesmee. She was on her last present that Santa had given her, and both of her parents were hoping she would not notice the steamy kiss that was Rosalie and Emmett.
No such luck. As she finished ripping open the wrapping paper and pulled the box towards her, her eyes happened to drift farther up. No one – aside from Rosalie and Emmett, who were still going at it – moved as they watched Renesmee register what her aunt was doing to Santa.
She turned to Bella and reached a hand quickly up to Bella's neck, telling Bella without words that Aunt Rosalie was kissing Santa Claus. Bella groaned and nodded at Renesmee, her voice overly loud as she said, "Yes, Renesmee, Aunt Rosalie is kissing Santa Claus."
As their audience began to register with them, Rosalie slightly pulled back. Alice took her cue and hissed, "Santa!" trying to keep Emmett on track. Leave it to Rosalie to make him totally forget that he was supposed to be playing the real version of an imaginary childhood icon.
As everyone struggled for something to say to rectify the situation, Jasper felt no such qualms. With a grin on his face, he said to Renesmee, "Aunt Rosalie was sitting on his lap so that he could give her gift to her."
"Was her gift a kiss?" Renesmee asked, looking doubtfully at Emmett.
"Yes, exactly," Alice piped in, worried for what Emmett would say.
Emmett suddenly grinned wickedly, and Edward, who was no longer guarded by Bella's shield, whipped his head around to stare at Emmett. He looked torn between laughter and worry.
In a booming voice, Emmett said, "Yes, Aunt Rosalie was being given her gift. And you have to sit on Santa's lap for that. In fact," he drawled, looking more excited than anyone had a right to, "everyone has to sit on my lap to receive their gifts."
"I would like to decline my present," Jacob said immediately.
"You aren't first on my list," Emmett promised. His gaze swiveled around to Jasper. "Uncle Jasper! You can come right over here and sit on my lap." In the quick vampire undertone that Jacob and Renesmee couldn't hear, he added, "You think you can laugh at me and get away with it? It's payback time."
Jasper glared at him, but kept his emotions to himself. "No thank you. I, too, would like to decline my present."
Renesmee looked crestfallen that two of her men were defying Santa. Jasper made the mistake of looking at his niece and nearly cringed. "Uncle Jasper," she said, her voice sounding tiny. "Don't you like Santa?"
Jasper resisted the urge to punch the now-laughing Emmett as he said, "Of course I do, Nessie."
She grinned an impish grin that she could only have learned from Alice. "Then I think you should accept your gift."
Jasper's hands were bawled into fists as Emmett finally managed to control his laughter. Just as he had for Rosalie, Emmett patted his lap with a grin, though this grin included nothing sexual.
Edward, listening to Jasper's thoughts, knew he would give in far longer before Jasper would. There were only two people in the world Jasper would even consider doing this for, and they were both staring at him now, willing him silently to go sit on Santa's knee. Alice was looking at him with a knowing smile; no doubt she had seen this. Renesmee was looking at Jasper with so much hope in her eyes that it was a wonder they weren't always doing what she wanted.
Jasper groaned and walked slowly towards Emmett. Emmett was grinning like a kid in a candy store. When Jasper reached him, he sat down quickly. Emmett pushed him a little closer to his knees with a groan, "Not too close, Jasper. We wouldn't want to damage anything."
"Oh, we wouldn't?" Jasper asked coolly.
"Ho ho ho!" Emmett called out again. "Merry Christmas, Jasper."
"Merry Christmas, Santa," Jasper returned curtly.
Emmett took it all in stride, ignoring the tone of Jasper's comment. "Have you been naughty or nice this year?"
"Extremely nice," Jasper replied immediately.
"I think you maybe influenced some emotions that you shouldn't have," Emmett chided.
Jasper's eyes widened as he looked at him incredulously, "What?"
At that moment a bright flash went off. Everyone's eyes turned to Alice as she set the camera back in its hidden place on the fireplace mantle. She shrugged at Jasper, "There's no need to look so terrified at the thought of sitting on Santa's knee."
Jasper narrowed his eyes at her betrayal, as he said tersely, "I'm not terrified."
Renesmee cut in, at the same time, "What is Uncle Jasper's present?"
Edward was still chuckling away on the couch at the fact that Alice had seen this moment coming and had prepared for it by hiding a camera nearby. When he finally managed to compose himself, he asked Renesmee, "What do you think Uncle Jasper should get? A lump of coal?"
Emmett laughed as Jasper turned his glare to Edward. If Jasper wasn't careful, he was going to develop a permanent glare. "I like that idea," Emmett murmured.
Renesmee stared at Santa, incredulous. "Santa, you would give out coal?"
"He's been naughty," Emmett pointed out.
Renesmee frowned, something not working out in her mind. "Aunt Rosalie was naughty…. You gave her a kiss."
Everyone burst out laughing aside from Jasper. "I am not letting you kiss me." He snapped at a laughing Emmett. No doubt, had it been Edward in Jasper's situation, he would have found the entire situation absolutely hilarious.
"I don't want to kiss you either," Emmett reassured him.
"Everyone has a specific punishment designed for them in relation to their naughty behavior," Rosalie explained hastily.
"What did you do to get your present then, Rosalie?" Edward couldn't resist asking. She hissed at him.
Edward turned then to speak with Carlisle, forgetting that Rosalie still had the pack of presents open. Keeping her thoughts hidden, she found Edward's and sent it flying against the back of his head.
He turned his head to look at her, his mouth open with shock as he picked up his present. It was now half the size it used to be. "What was that?" he spat.
"I was giving you your present," Rosalie explained, crossing her arms in front of her. It was now Jacob who was laughing almost uncontrollably. That is, until Rosalie turned her frosty stare on him.
He held up his hands, "I'll stop, I'll stop," he promised.
"We actually have a special gift for you, Jacob." She motioned to Carlisle to pull the largest box from under the tree. Jacob looked both concerned and curious.
"Rosalie, you could have picked a better color, by the way," Alice said, sounding dejected about his present.
"I thought he would relate most to it," Rosalie explained as Jacob began to rip the paper. "It's still a great color."
"I don't think he'll see it that way," Edward pointed out with a slight chuckle. He had seen through Rosalie's thoughts what the present was.
As Jacob opened the box, standing up to do so, he pulled a large, fluffy, blood-red dog bed from it. His eyes flickered up to Rosalie's.
"It would go so well with your dog dish if you hadn't ruined it," Rosalie said, sounding disappointed.
"I can think of some other things I would like to ruin," Jacob said tersely. Renesmee, on the other hand, had jumped up and walked over to stand near Jacob to get a better look.
"Jake, it's pretty," she murmured.
"I don't like the color," he muttered.
"It will help remind you of whose house you've occupied," Rosalie nearly hissed.
"That is enough, everyone," Carlisle interjected lightly. He was now rubbing his forehead.
Everyone was silent for a few seconds before Jasper said loudly, "Why am I still sitting on your lap?" He jumped up, glaring at Emmett as though it was his fault before frowning at Alice, who was laughing at her flustered husband.
"Maybe you're just upset because you enjoyed it," Emmett offered with a barking laugh.
"Hey Nessie," Jasper said suddenly, trying to retaliate. "Where's Uncle Emmett?"
Emmett's grin disappeared as Renesmee looked around, frowning. She felt guilty that she had been so excited about seeing Santa she had forgotten to ask where her uncle was.
"He's out hunting," Alice supplied, throwing daggers out her eyes at Jasper.
"He's been gone awhile," Jacob added.
"He's probably finding it tough to take down a deer," Edward agreed.
Emmett jumped to his feet. "It's time for Santa to go now, Renesmee. I have a whole bunch of other children I need to speak to."
Renesmee stood up and hugged Emmett. "Thank you, Santa. I promise if I ever ruin something of Aunt Rosalie's again, I'll tell her immediately."
"Ho ho ho and a merry Christmas to all!" Emmett attempted. Renesmee smiled and waved farewell as the other Cullens grinned. All in all it had been a very exhilarating morning.
Everyone began to bustle around then, opening gifts as they waited for Emmett's return. When Edward started laughing for no reason and turned to look at the front door, everyone knew Emmett was about to walk in.
They all looked up expectantly as Emmett walked through the door. His clothes were ruffled and dirty and all in all it looked as though he had gone and rolled around in the mud. Rosalie stared at him in shock, "What have you done to yourself?"
Alice, who could only be described as hyperventilating, was staring at Emmett's outfit, noting each small rip with a critical eye. "Yes, Emmett. What have you done?"
"Were the deer too much for you?" Jasper asked sweetly, keeping his laughter to a minimum.
Emmett scoffed, "Deer? I was wrestling grizzlies all day."
"Oh lord," Alice muttered.
"Uncle Emmett," Renesmee called out. Emmett turned in time for her to throw herself into his arms.
"Nessie, your dress!" Alice all but shrieked.
"Alice, the dress is replaceable," Bella pointed out.
Alice nodded slowly, an idea forming. "You're right, Bella. We'll just have to go shopping. It's just perfect timing that Boxing Day is tomorrow, isn't it?"
"Remarkable," Bella agreed sourly, no doubt wishing she had not brought it up in the first place. Edward patted her shoulder reassuringly.
"Uncle Emmett," Renesmee said, demanding attention then. "You missed Santa Claus!"
"I did?" Emmett asked, his voice coming out overly surprised.
Renesmee nodded. "Yes, and he gave me five presents." Emmett glanced over to the couch when she gestured to them.
"Well, they're lovely," he agreed.
"I know," she grinned. Alice and Esme beamed in the background.
"What else happened?" Emmett asked, wanting to hear the events from her view.
"Santa made me sit on his knee, and I had to tell him what I did to make me naughty, but he said that it was okay and that I was on the nice list anyway. Santa wanted everyone to sit on his lap."
"Did Jasper sit on Santa's knee?" Emmett asked, smirking.
Renesmee giggled as she nodded.
"How silly did he look?" Emmett asked. Jasper leaned over and casually whacked the back of Emmett's head.
Renesmee's giggle was proof that she didn't want to answer the question. "You'll get to see it though because Aunt Alice took a picture."
"We'll have it blown up and framed," Emmett promised her. Jasper rolled his eyes.
"Uncle Emmett, you missed one more thing."
Emmett frowned, feigning curiosity. "What is that?"
"Well," Renesmee fidgeted, clasping and unclasping her hands, "Jasper wasn't the only other one Santa put on the naughty list."
"Who else made the naughty list?"
"Aunt Alice did, but Santa left before she could get her punishment."
"How convenient," Jasper muttered. Alice winked at him.
"And…." Renesmee hesitated then, glancing at Rosalie quickly. "I don't want you to get mad, and I know you might want to hit Santa, but you can't, all right?"
Emmett tried very hard to contain his laughter. "I promise I'll do my best."
"Aunt Rosalie was also naughty this year and she had the worst punishment of all."
Emmett's frown was genuine. Edward was already laughing from the direction his daughter's thoughts were taking, and Jasper and Jacob, each having caught on to what she meant as well, roared in their laughter. "What was her punishment?" Emmett asked through slightly gritted teeth.
Renesmee blushed as she said, "Aunt Rosalie had to kiss Santa!"
