Chapter 3.
Bernie, meanwhile, found herself at home without really remembering any of the drive. Replaying each moment of the evening over and over in her head, remembering the thrill and the joy as Serena hadn't pulled away, had kissed her back, clutching at her muscles as if she might never let go. The way their foreheads had come to rest on each other's as they broke apart, panting, just looking, but deep, deep inside each other's souls. Then hearing the sound of someone calling her name and watching Serena's back disappear as she fled to the office. She almost could hear her own heart crack when she saw the tears in her eyes when they were back in the office. But then she had come over to Bernie, offered comfort, touch before she left to go home.
Why had she come back in and given those sweet kisses to her forehead and cheek? Why is this SO confusing?
Trailing up the stairs to her drab little flat she put the key in the lock, twisted and pushed the door open. Never had it felt less welcoming. Less lonely. Dropping her keys, coat and bag in a heap she headed straight for the kitchen. "Beer" she thought to herself. That would calm the storm raging inside her head. Opening the fridge she pulled one out and cracked the top off on the edge of the counter. It foamed slightly as she took a sip and moved to the lounge, before deciding to go straight up to bed. Retrieving her phone from the pocket of her grey Holby hoody she chucked it at the pillow as she set the beer down carefully on the floor. Quickly, she undressed, picking last nights t shirt and shorts up she pulled them on and sat on the edge of the bed and took a longer pull at her beer before deciding she didn't want any more and placing it on the windowsill. Running her fingers through her unruly curly hair she stretched her back out carefully and flipped to lie on her stomach, burying her face in her pillow.
"I couldn't have screwed this up more if I tried. Way to go Major" she berated herself. "You make the best friend you've ever had and you fuck it up by kissing her like some hormonal adolescent"
Tears spring up again and she dashes them away angrily. Not really one to indulge in emotions and certainly not deserving of her own self pity. Her heart stops in her mouth as her phone lights up and vibrates, could it be? No, no, it won't be. It'll be some pizza place or someone asking if she had had an accident in the last 4 years...where to start with that one. Daring to hope, she turns it over and sees her name. Serena. Not Serena Campbell, just Serena. Only the important people in her life had just the one name in her phone, Cam, Charlotte and Serena. Oh and Jason she realised, smiling fondly to herself at that, at how the young man had worked his way so easily into her affection.
Hovering her finger over the message, she took a deep breath and swiped it open, immediately shutting her eyes. Its all still okay if she doesn't read it, but she can't put it off forever. Swallowing heavily she opens her eyes.
"Bernie, I need to know you're okay. Please. Even just a reply of yes or no. I'm worried about what you're thinking. I meant what I said, it's okay and I'm not mad. Far from it. S x "
Clamping her hand over her mouth Bernie ran for the bathroom. Resting her head on the cool porcelain she heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet. "Get a grip woman" she thought to herself, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. Pushing up off the floor she rinsed her mouth out and brushed her teeth quickly before returning to her abandoned phone.
How did she answer that? Yes she's okay, especially seeing the words in front of her that Serena had said out loud, reading them over and over. No she's not okay because in the pit of her still churning stomach the fear of losing Serena and of hurting her was threatening to overtake her.
She clenched her fists briefly and sang the lines of a song in her head, her pre-battle ritual. Even now, going into every surgery, it had to be done, to calm her, ground and focus on the task in hand. Relaxing her grip she picked up her phone and typed.
Without giving herself chance to edit, she pressed send and then held her phone to her lips. Settling under the blankets she placed her phone on the pillow beside her and waited.
