Second story:
You Say That Like It's a Bad Thing
Parody of It's a Good Life
Welcome to the town of... well no name at all, really. But it's an interesting town, because it is ruled and completely controlled by a monster with godlike powers. The people in town live in fear of the monster, as anyone who thinks unhappy thoughts about it or its work is punished in various ways. Oh, and by the way, the monster is a six-year old boy named Calvin.
Susie was drawing on the sidewalk when Calvin came up to her.
"AHEM!" shouted Calvin. "Miss Dorkins, you appear to be committing vandalism. Do you know how much you just ruined that sidewalk?"
"Calvin, this isn't vandalism," said Susie. "The chalk washes right off!"
"Maybe so, you can never wash away the stain on your soul," said Calvin. Susie disappeared, and a crude sidewalk chalk drawing of her appeared on the sidewalk.
"Hey, Hobbes, c'mere! Look what I did to Susie!"
Oh yeah, and Hobbes is the only person who can think freely.
Hobbes ran up. "Neat!" he said.
"Let's alter Susie a bit," said Calvin. "Give her facial hair!"
"Okay," said Hobbes, who drew a goatee, moustache, and sideburns on the drawing.
"And horns!"
Hobbes added horns.
"And a word balloon that says 'I'm telling!'"
Hobbes added that, too. Once he was finished, the drawing vanished, and Susie reappeared with the added features from the drawing, and all she could say was "I'M TELLING!"
Calvin and Hobbes laughed loudly. Mrs. Derkins looked outside and saw the changes that had been made to her daughter.
"Calvin, that was a great thing you did to Susie! I've always wanted her to look like a freak!" said Mrs. Derkins. "That was really, really good!"
"I'll say," said Calvin. "C'mon Hobbes, let's leave the Tattler here!"
Calvin teleported himself and Hobbes in front of his house. Although he could've just as easily teleported into the house, he made the front door and areas of the wall around it explode. Calvin's father saw it.
"Calvin, I really like what you've done to the front of the house," said Dad. "The debris adds a nice touch."
Calvin walked into the kitchen, where his mother was. "What do you want for dinner, Calvin?" she asked.
"I'll have twenty-nine ice cream sundaes, and you and Dad can have cockroach steak served in bat snot," Calvin replied.
"Mm, that sounds yummy," she said.
Dad heard this in the living room. He thought, How much longer till Calvin serves something capable of being digested?
Suddenly, the chair he was sitting in started to eat him.
"I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Dad shouted. The chair spat him out.
"That's more like it," said Calvin, coming into the room.
The next day, Calvin's eighteen-month long summer was over, and he went to school. He enjoyed school now because he was in charge.
Calvin walked outside, where his fire truck awaited him. He haphazardly drove it too school.
"OUTA MY WAY, EVERYBODY!"
"Look, Calvin's endangering our lives again! That's great!" said a citizen.
While Calvin drove to school, the parade honoring him marched for zillionth time.
Calvin went into his classroom, where he was now the teacher. "Okay class, your history of SpongeBob finals are coming up, so watch as much Nickelodeon as you can! Now, let's it time to learn about B-movie monsters."
Susie, who had now gone back to normal, asked, "Can't we learn about something else?"
"Silence!" roared Calvin, breathing fire. "Now, are there any more questions?"
No one raised their hands.
"Good, today's lesson is on Rodan," said Calvin, drawing a picture of Rodan on the chalkboard.
An hour later...
"...and that concludes today's lesson," said Calvin. "Lunch time!" He teleported to the lunch room.
Everyone ate rhea intestines with a side of frog hearts, except for Calvin, who ate hamburgers.
In one corner of the cafeteria, Moe sat thinking. His brain was too small for Calvin to read, so he got to thinking about taking out Calvin. He decided to sneak up behind him and hit him in the head with a pot.
Moe sneaked over to the kitchen and stole a pot. Then he sneaked over to the area where Calvin was sitting, and just when he was about kill Calvin, Calvin turned Moe into Moe Howard.
"Why I oughtaཤྭ," said Moe, but he was interrupted by Calvin, who immediately turned him into a Twinkie.
"'Bout time Moe had that happen to him," said Calvin contentedly as he calmly ate Moe.
And that concludes this story... and you'd best start thinking happy thoughts if you ever come across Calvin. I would, anyway.
