A/N: This is a chapter that some will disagree with. After the next chapter, the action picks up a little. Like I said, there's fluff and character building in this linking piece.

Alfred Jiong is the most difficult of my various OC's to write. Jiong's poise, intelligence, and seeming perfection is a mask worn over a deeply unhappy, badly wounded man unable to be himself. An exploration of that and other characters is something I almost did in the first story but found no real opening for, so it's only logical I do so here.

If at the end you don't hate the SA just a little more... ha.

As for Shepard's actions at the last, well … Progman reminded me that symbols can be chains as well as reminders. I originally intended for it burn in the wreckage of the Normandy as it crashed on Alchera, but that, in hindsight, would have sent exactly the wrong message. I owe Progman for helping me to pick the right time.

The Kazan is a heavy cruiser, pretty much almost a pocket battle-cruiser. It wasn't influenced by turian designs, and that will show in the layout of the ship. Visualize it as similar but larger than a standard Alliance cruiser. I'm drawing up the deck plans now, I'll post them on my logicalpremise dot org site later.

As an aside: Kazan is not only a beautiful city in Russia, but the name of a fascinating book. Check Wikipedia.


"You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill. But you can't pay him to believe."

Admiral Steven Hackett, 'On Conversations with a Hero'


"This is Major-Commander Sara Shepard, KoUE, commanding officer of Battle Group Chiron. By order of the Systems Alliance Admiralty, Special Operations, Arcturus Command and Presidential Order 16630, I hereby take command of the Systems Alliance Heavy Cruiser Kazan."

Shepard turned to the dockside commander standing in the hatchway. "Commander Johanson, you stand relieved. I have the deck and the conn. VI, log the time."

Shepard smiled as the man bowed and stepped aside, allowing her to step onto her new command for the first time. She'd spent the past hour or so going over all the blueprints and layouts, but she had to see it for herself before she would feel comfortable.

Unlike the Normandy, the entry dock on the Kazan was a single wide airlock nine feet wide and ten feet tall, large enough to allow even battle suits to exit. A matching airlock was on the other side of the ship, both connected to an armored tube that bisected the fourth deck. The tube was lined with security stations, turrets, barricades and static defenses to prevent hostile boarders.

The rest of the fourth deck, accessible by blast doors on the aft wall, was given over to the marines. Sleeping areas, a firing range, the ship's armory, and the staging and cargo area for the ship's battlesuits and MAKO tanks was on this deck, along with offices of the ship's Battle Duty Officer and Command Master Chief. Forward of the tube was storage for armor, workshops for repairs to the vehicles and suits, and a large briefing area for all hands comms.

Two elevators flanked the doorway. Shepard stepped inside the portside elevator, tapping the haptic panel to take her to deck one. Deck two was crew quarters, the galley, wardroom, kitchen, food storage, ship's lounge, exercise areas, and the medbay. Deck three was officer and NCO country, and the science labs. The damage control shop and weapons battery were also there along with sensors and other electronics. Deck five was the core reactor, cargo bay and engineering, and deck six was only a half deck containing the ships hydroponics area, life support systems, and bulk storage. The other half of deck six was partially open to space, the docking area for fighters and the pinnace, as well as the racks of drop pods for the troops.

Deck one was a combination of the bridge, CIC, and her stateroom and offices. Almost three times the size of the Normandy CIC, the forward area of the room was narrowly triangular in shape, rather than the more curved shape of the turian-flavored Normandy. The front of the deck was the pilot's deck, where Joker and two sub-pilots maneuvered the ship. Directly aft of that was Ops Alley, thirty stations of ECM and sensor operators, curved chairs angled up to face triple panels of haptic screens and displays.

The deck opened sharply after Ops Alley into the CIC proper. The center of the room was the plot, a circular display surrounded by the stations of the weapons operators, the front dominated by the weapons officer's master control panel. Rather than the rather grandiose looking 3-D galaxy map of the Normandy it featured flat haptic displays of the relays, augmented with floating representations of the Kazan and contacts surrounding it.

The port and starboard sides of the room held huge armaglass portals under independent kinetic barriers, allowing a vast view of the outside of the ship, flanked by large haptic display screens. Two banks of consoles were set off several feet from the screens. The port set of consoles was the station of the Science officer and staff, linked to the ships powerful sensor array and collection of probes. The starboard panels had small stations for the comms officer, the duty engineer, and onboard security.

The back wall of the room was taken up by the CO's command station, the two elevators, emergency damage control stations, and the corridor towards her quarters and stateroom.

The ceilings were lower in the Normandy CIC – here , angled rows of displays curved around the elevated CO platform, giving her an instant glance at engine power, core status, shield levels, power distribution, communications and more. A comfortable seat automatically elevated from the ground to snap in place as she approached, a slender shelf splitting apart on top of station to display a computer interface and a collection of ship communications circuits, as well as a simplified repeater that would allow basic course changes, speed control, shield status, and weapons fire.

She glanced around the CIC, noting that already the techs had everything running, and Liara was already standing at the science station, her arms folded and her expression one of fierce concentration as she listened to the enlisted man next to her, pointing out displays. She smiled as she walked past, up through ops alley toward the bridge and pilot area.

Heavy armaplast windows curved sharply around the nose of the room, with two seats sunk into the decking and the main pilot station elevated a good foot. Already ensconced in the chair was Joker, his hands moving almost too fast to follow as he went through prelaunch checklists. "Hey, Commander. I mean, Major. Shit. What's up?"

Shepard snickered. "Checking up on you, Joker."

Joker pulled his hat down a bit and brought up a fuel display on one floating haptic panel. "Anderson used to do that. I know what I'm doing. Brilliance requires focus, and you are disturbing my chi." He nodded sagely to himself, and Shepard shook her head with a small smile at his antics.

The pilot to the left, a slender man with brown hair trimmed close to his skull and a scar on his cheek, snickered. "Major, was the Flight Commander always this full of shit?"

Shepard folded her arms. "He grows on you, Ensign Hemsley. Much like fungus." She glanced at the other pilot, a young woman with flat black hair and Asiatic features. "Seriously, everything is nominal? We already had one issue that would have caused some problems on launch."

The other pilot gave a quick nervous nod, her eyes not straying from her displays. "Yes, ma'am! Secondary flight surfaces reporting green across the board. Dock umbilici one through nine disconnected and visual inspection shows all ports sealed."

Joker tapped a control. "Fuel systems are nominal – thank Tali for me, it would have been no fun flying while on fire from fuel leaks, assuming we didn't, you know, explode. I have main control, Ensigns Hemsley and Li An will be handling secondary maneuver control." He paused. "This seat is kinda stiff, any chance for an upgrade? Or at least a coffee holder?"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "No. I'll be in my stateroom if anyone is looking for me, not that they'd come up here. When we clear all checks, go ahead and set course for the relay. I'm all speeched out for the day. Let Pressly make the 1MC announcement."

Joker nodded. "Yes, Major. See? Learning?"

Pilot Hemsley just blinked. "And I thought I was flaky."

Joker hissed. "You are."

Shepard let the three pilots continue to bicker as she turned on a heel and walked back down the Ops Alley, pausing to nod at Pressly as she passed. "Jiong already on board?"

The big man nodded, scowling at a display before turning to face her fully. "Yes, ma'am, in your stateroom. We're about done with the pre-flight level nine checklist. I just need to finish getting the watch sections squared away and we'll be ready for pullout. The cranes will be moving us to hard space in five. We just need launch clearance and for you to authorize drive release."

Shepard nodded. "Good job. Joker will take us out when it's time, alert the crew if you would, I'll be occupied with Jiong."

She smiled at his nod, walking further aft, glancing over the communication stations and the stiff stance of Ensign Traynor. "Something wrong, Ensign?"

Traynor, absorbed in her displays, gave a slight start of fright, eyes wide. "N-no ma'am. Just running through the countermeasures testing sequences we have. There...ah, there's a communications circuit routed to your stateroom I don't have access to."

Shepard nodded. "Yes. I know. I'm afraid you don't have clearance."

Traynor frowned. "But the entire command crew has Nova level clearance."

Shepard smiled. "The circuit is for private communications either from the President in my capacity as his personal agent, or the Citadel Council in my capacity as a Spectre. You'd need Tantalus level clearance for those. They should be locked out, but whenever one is active, please make sure we have a clear comm signal and engage whatever you can to prevent someone hacking into the call."

Traynor nodded. "Yes, ma'am. I think we have a cross-current circuit amplifier that we could use to lock in a signal to the main … uh. Sorry. I have a good idea of how to get on that, ma'am. Didn't mean to get technical." She paused, and winced. "Not that I am implying you don't understand the technical – "

Shepard gave her a smile, and placed her hand on Traynor's shoulder."Breathe, Ensign. I get it. I may be cleared on electronics and comms, but you're here because you're better at it than I am. If you say it will be secure, I know it will be."

Traynor smiled back, pleased with the praise. "Yes ma'am."

"Good. If anything critical comes in, I'll be in my stateroom."

She entered the corridor leading to her personal areas. She'd come to view the cramped cabin aboard the Normandy as 'home', but she couldn't suppress a little excitement at the upgrade she'd gotten in taking command of the Kazan. She'd been handed the Normandy, after all … but she had earned her current command.

Deciding Jiong could wait another minute or two, she entered her quarters. As with most SA staterooms, it was a squarish block, a good fifteen feet long and almost as wide. Black steel decking served as the floor, a low half-wall bisecting the room with space to walk past on either side. The low wall was the mounting for a work desk and small shelf, and another status repeater display. Tucked into a corner was a small table with three chairs around it, and Shepard smiled to see venting to remove cigarette smoke had already been installed. A sliding door revealed a small armory space.

She walked in, noting the desk had her journal and her personal padd on it, along with two books she'd picked up on the Citadel regarding weapons development. Three haptic picture frames curved around the far end of the desk – one of her and Von Grath, smoking cigars, feet propped up on a batarian terrorist's chest. One of her and Anderson, the day she was made a Spectre. And one she'd taken of Liara, smiling faintly, when they were at Flux the night before departing for Noveria.

She glanced into her armor cabinet, seeing her suit of Spectre armor, and then glanced over the other half of the quarters. A standard SA bunk was against the wall, which looked like it could fold up to make a couch. The rest of the room was blank and plain – two steel cabinets, a standing wardrobe, and a flat-panel door cracked open to show a shower and toilet combination took up most of the space. Her only alteration was in having a small omnifoundry unit tucked in the near corner along with a rack for weapons.

Her ODIN – still displaying melted spots on the rubberized handle from the last fight on the Citadel – was racked there. So was her heavy sniper, Saren's Sunfire-B pistol, and a pair of customized Revenant LMG. The last thing on the rack was a mocking gift from Von Grath – an omnisword, a rod about nine inches long with an augmented power supply and a short, spade shaped blade that when energized created an 550 TeV omnifield.

She smirked as she read the note he'd tied to the hilt – 'For the next time you are silly enough to bring a gun to a swordfight' – and then glanced around the room. Her Penal Legion blanket, shipbag and personal effects – mostly a single suitcase with a handful of the civilian clothes she'd gotten on the Citadel, her few pictures, and her ship models – were sitting on the middle of her bed. She grunted and turned to cross the narrow hallway, entering her stateroom.

The stateroom was slightly smaller than her living area, dominated by an armorplast desk much like the one in her office on Arcturus Station. A repeater status panel and several other haptic screens dominated the port side of the room, along with a personal comm station. The right side of the room had a series of haptic images of ships bearing the name Kazan – several old naval ships from the Pre-Alliance era, a MKV Cruiser from the First Contact War, and a heavy cruiser of the old style destroyed in the Battle of Horizon. Below this was a low bookcase and a shelf of haptic storage media, probably systems manuals or something along those lines. The floor was thinly carpeted in plain Alliance blue, and the overhead had the symbol of the SA embossed over the thin steel surface.

The desk had a comfortable mesh chair with a liquid-swivel mount base, and she sat down with a small sigh, before glancing at Jiong who was seated in a smaller but otherwise identical chair in front of her desk. "So. We're about to launch."

Jiong nodded. "As a command officer of flag rank, this will be your first assignment where you actually need a political officer. The Normandy was an impressive ship, but hardly a danger to society as a whole. Officers in command of a heavy cruiser or above, much less an entire battle group, are more concerning to the Systems Alliance, since if you went rogue you could pose a threat to a garden world or embarrass the SA as a whole. As such, while you have command of BG Chiron, it is my duty to ensure you are discharging your orders in a manner consistent with SA mandates, Admiralty directives, and where applicable, Citadel treaties and law."

Shepard rubbed her temples. "I figured that much."

Jiong nodded. "It's also my duty to execute you if you become a danger to the SA. On that, I'm afraid my conditioning is rather inflexible. Since we both know how that would end, especially if Lady Liara was present, I would suggest that if you decide to take some sudden, Shepard-like action such as going rogue or mutiny against the orders of the Admiralty that you kindly do so when I'm off the ship. Of all the possible ways to die, being executed by two beautiful women does not top my bucket list."

Shepard laughed. "Aww, Alfred. You do like me."

Jiong sighed. "You are more tolerable than my last assignment...but not by much." He gestured to the safe on the wall, next to her desk. "The ship cannot engage full drive systems or arm any weapons until the systems are removed from codelock. For a frigate that duty was solely up to the CO and XO – here, the Political Officer and CO are the ones who have access." He triggered his omnitool, and she did the same, and the safe unlocked. Shepard pulled out a single laser keycard and then turned it over, frowning.

"I'm used to just a scanstrip." The card glittered in the light, a series of mirrors inside containing a unique combination of data that allowed access to highly secured systems, rather than a printed barcode like she'd seen on the Normandy.

Jiong sniffed. "Not secure enough. The keycard can be inserted into the panel below the repeater display. The VI should decrypt the code and announce the results – as well as our orders and situation briefing."

Shepard arched an eyebrow. "Fancy."

She followed his instructions, and the VI chimed politely. "Scanning. Codes recognized. Welcome, Major-Commander Shepard, Commissar-Captain Jiong. Authorization validated. Weapons and drive systems unlocked. Stand by for orders."

The haptic screen on the far wall flickered into life, the VI's voice speaking even as images flashed up. "From Command, Second Fleet, Special Operations, to Battle Group Chiron, Kazan. Orders are as follows: depart 1500 from Arcturus Station, make standard rated speed to relay to Sigurd's Cradle. Shift to secondary relay at maximum rated speed to Skopsis system. Achieve high anchorage at Watson and dock with Scorpion Weapons Station. Onload required systems and medical team at station. Authorization of no more than five hours for loading and embark/disembark cycle."

"Proceed to shakedown evaluation by accessing secondary relay, Lenal system, at varied speeds for shakedown operations. Turian Hierarchy aware of your presence. Conducted level fifteen engineering subsystem and ops system testing, level ten engine systems testing, and level five calibration battery. Test fire each weapons system and record deformation patterns by targeting asteroids. Conclude testing with full level nine life support, sensor, and fighter launch tests. Stand down from shakedown and return to Arcturus at maximum rated speed. Orders end."

Shepard opened her mouth to speak when the VI chimed again.

"Addendum to orders. Classification Tantalus, Level Nine." The VI's voice shifted to that of Elizabeth Windsor-Turham at this point. "Shepard, be advised that the Kazan has already undergone full testing. Deliberate and easy to identify and fix errors in ship's fuel systems were introduced in drydock to justify to crew the need for shakedown. This cruise will allow you to review your crew, but the real purpose is to investigate anomalous sensor readings we have been detecting near the Lenal system. AIS agents have not been able to operate openly in the area, but we have information from outside sources that a possible Cerberus facility was in the region. If found, capture it intact if at all possible. If nothing is found, make best speed back to Arcturus so you can report onwards to Pinnacle Station."

The VI shut off, and Shepard sighed. "Well, at least we know the shakedown will go smoothly."

Jiong frowned. "That is … rather unusual. Something about this doesn't make much sense. They could have just loaded the missiles and torpedoes on a transport and had us load up here, if we didn't really need a shakedown. Sending a high profile ship with a famous CO and untested crew to check out a possible Cerberus base in turian territory is … "

Shepard shrugged. "Fishy?"

Jiong leaned back. "I hardly wish to cast aspersions on the command structure, and suppositious conclusions are not going to help us in the short term." He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "I suppose we will have to wait and see, as there is little aside from speculation that we can do now. Aside from the orders, I have the PRIDE reports for the crew ready. Summaries for general crew, specifics for the command crew."

Shepard grimaced. PRIDE, or the Political Reliability Index for Direct Evaluation, was the system used to evaluate the dependability of SA officers. A mix of psychological evaluation, paranoid snooping, and sociological examination, it always left a bad taste in Shepard's mouth to do the things, much less review them.

Unfortunately, once the Commissariat had learned about the dangers of indoctrination, it became even more determined that PRIDE checks would be done and done often. Taking command of a ship was one of those hard checkpoints that required them.

She nodded. "Alright, I'm all ears."

Jiong nodded, consulting his padd. "I've reviewed the PRIDE ratings of the incoming crew. The lowest was a 3.1, well above baseline. Most crew members have at least five years of service with no serious infractions. The entire crew is human with the exception of two asari in secondary ops, who both have eleven years of service. They are, I believe, commoners – I have already had their division NCO make them aware of the presence of Lady Liara. I have vetted them carefully to ensure they are not spies from the Asari Republic. Other than that, the crew is well-trained and refreshingly eager."

Shepard nodded, and he continued. "The junior command cadre – the navigator, the assistant engineer, the CIC coordinator, assistant pilots, fighter command officer, and the damage control officer – all have PRIDE ratings of greater than 4.0, which means they should give us no problems. Aside from slight hero-worshiping tendencies in the DCO and a good deal of arrogant pride in the navigator, there are no real issues to address. Given that they will mostly interact with Pressly, I doubt you will need much information on them, but I've forwarded their service records to your system."

He tapped the padd. "Which brings us to the command crew, the most critical component of the ship's company. As a point of order, your own PRIDE rating remains 4.2. You will also be happy to note that, since your Z2 restriction has been removed, Commissariat monitors usually installed to follow you around are no longer present – the only Commissariat staff on board beside me are my four clearly identifiable subordinates – Commissar Susan D'Alte and Lancers Jackson and Grassi."

There was a slightly strained note in his voice as he mentioned the same Susan, but Shepard only nodded. "Well, it's good to know I'm not a danger to the SA. Who's up next?"

He looked up. "For the command crew, I started with Pressly. PRIDE rating of 4.7. The man is stable, competent, mildly ambitious, and strong-willed. He has a personal admiration for you stemming from your actions at Dirth – his family was there – as well as professional appreciation. Positives include a high index against treasonous thought, strong pro-human beliefs, and a refreshing lack of personal dishonesty. Negatives are mostly stressors from his divorce and his dislike of turians, which was not aided by Mr. Vakarian's concealment of Ms. Telanya's reasons for being on the Normandy. Psychologically he's a doer and a systems-builder. He likes making things work. He prides himself on details, on picking up pieces people miss and dependability. He has a mild sense of xenophobia but it does not appear to extend to Lady Liara or Ms. Zorah."

She nodded. "I've noticed that. The attention to detail, that is. And Liara says he's … kind."

Jiong nodded and rubbed his chin. "All in all, I'd say there are no worries for your XO. I'm afraid the same isn't true for the rest of your staff, ma'am."

Shepard frowned. "Explain."

Jiong sighed. "With the exception of Pressly, who I just covered and is well within parameters, and the Comms Ensign Traynor, who is somewhat boring and fairly well balanced, each of the command staff have at least one strike against them. While none of them fall below the 2.0 threshold that requires Commissariat monitoring and denial of promotion, none of them are at the expected 3.8 to 4.0 mark we would normally see in command crew. That may bring additional scrutiny onto them and you if there are difficulties in our missions."

Shepard sighed. "Alright. Who's first?"

Jiong tapped his padd."We'll start with Joker. His PRIDE rating was never that high to begin with, currently 2.8. Mr. Moreau isn't here because he has pride in the Systems Alliance, or because he loves humanity, or even because he is ambitious. He is here because he is rather childishly defying both his parents and everyone who expected him to be nothing more than an invalid."

He sighed. "He is immensely talented, very intelligent and surprisingly good at interpreting body language and motivation. He is also very homesick, a borderline depressive-manic personality with a lot of resentment and anger issues. His attachment to Ms. Zorah is definitely not mentally healthy, as their relationship is less based on how they are alike and more on their mutual resentments of authority figures, personal conditions, and a feeling of powerlessness."

Shepard exhaled. "I know Joker's a bit abrasive and he has a chip on his shoulder -"

Jiong shook his head. "Ma'am, I'm not saying this to be a hard-ass or a martinet. If the boy was merely acting out, I would care less. He is unstable. If he's put in a situation where he feels his flying ability wasn't good enough to prevent a disaster, he will come apart at the seams, because that is the only thing in his entire life he can take pride in, the only thing that makes him feel like he's worth anything. If he's force to choose between his relationship with Ms. Zorah and the Systems Alliance, there is every chance he will choose her. The ignorance of previous commands in alienating the boy is partially addressed by the way he looks up to you, but even that is, I'm afraid, tinged with jealousy. The worst part of this is on most levels he is not even aware he feels this way."

Shepard swallowed. "I trust Joker. 2.7 is still above the baseline minimum, yes?"

Jiong nodded. "Yes, it is. I am merely giving you a warning. You have already admitted that you don't always understand people. I, on the other hand, have years of training in analyzing people, psychology, and reams of reports. Tapped conversations. Monitored emails. The point of the PRIDE system is to let you know exactly where your people stand … and where they are likely to cause issues."

Shepard sighed. "Liara, Tali, and Joker made it through the shit we spent the last year doing, Jiong. Doesn't that prove they should be trusted? Are you saying I should get rid of Joker because he's still young and pissed off at God for giving him fucked up bones?"

Jiong stood, and began to pace, his graceful features agitated. "I am not saying that, Shepard. I am saying that yes, some of your staff has proven themselves. They've also taken damage. I'm not here to tear down Joker. He's a fine pilot, and in his own way he's braver than I could ever hope to be. I'm not casting aspersions on his feelings towards Ms. Zorah. If he can find happiness that way, more power to him and her. But I cannot – my conditioning and training will not allow me – to gloss over the problems that he, and Liara, and Tali, and the rest have. And you cannot afford to ignore them. The strongest blade will break after enough wear and tear."

His eyes narrowed. "You, of all people, with your experience on Torfan, should know the value of actually understanding the deeper motivations and conditions of your team."

She flinched at that, and glared. "That...isn't fair."

Jiong shrugged. "I don't like it anymore than you do. Less, even. How would you feel if you were brainwashed into paranoid suspicions about your friends twenty four hours a day? If you were made incapable of fully trusting anyone, of having to dole out justice without mercy and punishment without mitigation for an entire decade, all the while wishing and hoping something would change and not being able to do anything about it? I judge because I am here to judge, not because I like it."

He gave her a hard , clear look, and she shook her head. "I'm not going to like the rest, am I?"

He exhaled, and sat back down. "No. I know you hate bullshit and fancy talk, but this is important. You have to understand these things. You are a critical person of importance now. You are the one who most deeply understands the threat of the Reapers. You have the credibility to make people listen, the power to get things done. Mr. Cole remarked to me that our struggle isn't over, the President would not expend all these resources on you for the sake of some political infighting. Would he?"

She shook her head. "No. I can't tell you the details, but … no."

Jiong nodded. "Then listen to me when I tell you something that will save their lives. They all have flaws. I am not talking about their combat ability, or ability to perform their jobs. Lady Liara is far more intelligent than I. Tali'Zorah's hasty examination on engineering concepts showed she was the match of any veteran engineer in the Fleet. Mr. Dallas, for all his quirks, is one of the better hackers and logistics officers I've seen. Mr. Colms is a literal genius with a higher IQ than 99% of the human population. Mr. Cole tore through OCS as if it was boot camp."

His fingers tapped at his padd hard enough to deform the screen. "Their problems are in their histories and personalities, their drives and needs. Those are what you have to understand. If it comes down to it, can I trust Joker to do what's best? No, I can't, because he and I don't see eye to eye on what is important. For me, it is the SA's security – for him it's his friends. Pressly, if he had to, would sacrifice his friends for the SA. You, if you absolutely had to, would sacrifice almost anything to stop a threat to the galaxy."

Jiong looked up. "But some of them will not, and the time for you to know where they stand is not when the chips are down, but now, where you can plan ahead."

She sighed. "Fine. Continue."

Jiong nodded, then grimaced. He spoke of Tyrone Cole's suppressed anger and uncertainty of direction, and warned that the man had already begun to develop a martyr complex He also pointed out that Cole was, according to his records, almost as reckless as his father in combat. While his PRIDE rating was a solid 3.0, Jiong felt Cole needed either a grounding in actual leadership or someone to shake the ghost of his father out of his head.

He spoke of Dallas's lassitude and lack of drive, his womanizing, dishonesty and likelihood to evade danger. He spoke of the man's ability to multitask and see patterns and loopholes, but suggested the man's removal from the Solguard made him doubt his own worth and give up on any ambitions he once had. His low 2.3 PRIDE rating reflected his lack of true belief in the SA and his semi-legal actions in the past.

He touched on the near mania and manipulative tendencies of Jerred Colms, his childhood trauma and his fixation on weapons. In Jiong's opinion, the man was dangerous. He was far too intellectual and analytical to get a good read on, and Jiong had given the man a provisional 2.5 PRIDE rating, simply because anyone that arrogant and convinced of their own innate superiority had not a single self-sacrificial impulse, even if for the greater good of the SA.

He spoke of Tali's isolated loneliness, talked about her nervous and touchy pride, which he suspected was the manifestation of an inferiority complex, and finished by going over her confusion regarding Joker. He feared she saw him in an idolized light, as someone to remove her from her own issues. Her attraction, he felt, held less sense of a sexual interest and more like some kind of romantic, deranged Pilgrimage gift to justify her own lack of self-worth. He hesitated to give her a low PRIDE score since just being non-human dinged it, but he couldn't justify rating her higher than 2.2, which meant she would come under Commissariat review if there was even a single discipline problem.

Shepard listened, holding her temples and occasionally interjecting her thoughts. Halfway through the process, the ship jolted heavily, before she felt the subtle kick of the mass generators creating artificial gravity. Pressly called out for the crew to secure for transit on the 1MC, giving her a moment to collect her thoughts as Jiong fell silent.

That Cole was troubled didn't surprise her. Given Greg Cole's behavior as nearly the perfect NCO, she could only imagine what the man, however good he was as a master chief, had inflicted on his son. Tyrone was going to try and prove himself, if not to her then to the ghost of his dead father, and she knew better than anyone that you couldn't impress the dead. Maybe Vega could talk to him, or the surprisingly philosophical Montoya.

Colms interest in weapons was a bit interesting, but everything else about the man made her dislike him. She didn't know what to make of his decision to react to the trauma in his life by planning to be the next Jason Hadne-Kadar, but that didn't' really matter. As long as he did his job she could care less, although if he tried to manipulate her he was in for the most painful surprise of his life. She worked on weapons to get her mind off the demons in her past, and she made them to protect, not merely to destroy. Colms may have had the same intent, but listening to Jiong describe the man's icy fixation only made her skin crawl.

Dallas's laziness just made her sigh. The man's cavalier attitude towards women pissed her off, but not as much as her attitude towards the women going along with it. The fact that he was capable of pulling together hard-to-get equipment out of the SA supply system – or from beyond it – didn't give him a free pass to goof off. Given that she was going to be using the man's skills to ensure she had privacy with Liara, she wasn't going to crack down on Dallas' womanizing, but that was all the slack she was willing to give. She was going to watch him like a hawk, and if he endangered her crew with his bullshit, he was going through a bulkhead face first.

And if he was fool enough to make a pass at her, she was going to beat him until he looked like a hanar.

Jiong's breakdown of Tali evoked mixed feelings. Shepard had dragged the girl into this whole mess to begin with – first by bringing her along with her recordings, then taking her on the Normandy, then making her part of her strike team, and finally convincing her to join the SA and her crew. It was all well and good for Jiong to complain she didn't have the SA's interests first, no shit. She couldn't really worry too much about that. But the idea that Tali was lonely and clinging to Jeff and doubting herself made her upset and angry at herself. And she knew that it wasn't Tali's fault this had all happened, but hers.

She closed her eyes, remembering the angry words of Tali's father when he'd been told of Tali joining the SA. "I cannot force my daughter to take a different path, Shepard. But if she dies under your command, I will kill you, I swear on the homeworld itself, no matter what the cost."

She'd been amused at the threat at the time, thinking it a father's love. Now she wondered if maybe she would have been better off letting Tali go back to the fleet. The girl was suffering and putting up quite the act to not show it. Tali had wanted to talk, about Jeff – when that happened, Shepard would see how accurate Jiong's analysis was.

When he got to Liara, Shepard grit her teeth. "Jiong , I'm pretty sure I know Liara better than you do. I don't give a goddamned shit what your fucking PRIDE ratings say, she isn't going to double cross me."

Jiong sighed. "Shepard, I'm sure you know what is in her thoughts more fully. I'm certain you know her history and life better than anyone. And I agree, actually – her loyalty to you is absolute. But that is only one perspective of her task aboard the Kazan. It isn't an outside analysis of her weaknesses or liabilities. And if you are seriously telling me you can be dispassionate and professional where she is concerned I will eat my hat. I wouldn't be in your shoes. I'd relieve myself of command."

Shepard frowned. "Then why did you go along with my idea? The marrying thing. Letting her join the crew. Fraternization is forbidden for just that reason. Actually, why the fuck haven't you put up more of a fight about her being asari? About what I'm doing?"

Jiong rolled his eyes. "Because she is the core of why you have changed yourself as a person. Our observers reported that much. You aren't the kind of person who will endanger others to protect Liara. You will only fight harder if she is in danger. I truly pity anyone foolish enough to harm her, as I've heard stories about what occurred on Edolus. And you need her, Shepard. I'm not blind. I am a firm believer in rules and regulations, but the Fifth Consideration of the Commissariat Code says very clearly to remember that humans make rules, rules don't make humans. There are things I am willing to overlook when they are .. necessary."

He paused. "I will admit there are elements of the Commissariat who looked very dimly on your liaison with her. And there will be elements of the SA command and the public that, once you get married, will complain loudly and cause trouble. My fellow Commissar, Susan, agreed with me that pressing the issue with you was the single fastest way to weaken your already damaged faith in the SA, Shepard. It doesn't matter if I think it's appropriate." He glanced away, frowning.

Shepard watched him curiously as his jaw clenched. "Alfred, just say ...whatever it is."

He exhaled. "Please understand. I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to ride your coat-tails to glory. And I wasn't lying when I said you could do a great deal of good for the SA. But I will admit the main reason I suspect the SA and the Commissariat has not stopped your liaison with Lady Liara is that it makes you extremely vulnerable. A violent BDSM-submissive relationship and dangerously deep bond with an asari barely more than a teenager who is the daughter of a galactic criminal? She's your weakness, Shepard, and all anyone has to do to wreck you is kill her. Whoever did so wouldn't survive your retribution, but after that you would … broken."

Jiong's eyes closed. "As to Lady Liara herself, she has, like many asari citizens, transferred her loyalties from the Asari Republic – which given their acts were already weak – to the Systems Alliance. In a strict sense of her political reliability I would say she's a solid 3.5. However, this is only the case as long as you are also loyal to the SA. She will perform well at being a good soldier or being a good science officer only because she sees it at required to make sure you are doing well. If she has your faith and support, she will be unbreakable. She would rather die than betray you."

Shepard winced but nodded. "And?"

Jiong sighed. "Psychologically, she's a mess. She is very young for an asari, barely the equivalent of a twenty year old, and bonding at that age makes mental stability much harder to maintain. Given the shocks to her mind over the past year, the fact that she is fragile should not surprise you. The most obvious problem is that her attachment to you is all that is giving her any stability in her life. You lead a very dangerous lifestyle, and if you die she is not going to survive, Shepard. That makes her a liability."

Shepard snarled. "She's stronger than you think, Jiong. She's had enough people try to tear her down without you joining them."

The man folded his arms, even his glacial patience at last snapping. "Christ! Do you think I am insulting her? I am saying she is hurt! She had to watch her own mother try to kill her. She had to bury her and then find out she was still alive and responsible for the deaths of millions of innocents! She had her entire people turn their back on her and send her off to die. She had to fight her mother again, this time watching her father nearly bleed to death in front of her and her lover get the shit beaten out of her. And then she had to kill her to save you."

Jiong narrowed his eyes. "If that wasn't enough she had to watch Benezia get up and then come to herself again, and know at the last her mother was herself again before being forced to watch her immolate herself in the most painful way an asari can die. She has a lot of pain, and the only thing she has keeping her sane – or more to the point, from just giving in to despair and misery – is you. Don't tell me that's healthy, or the proper mindset for any officer."

Shepard glared at him, her voice a whisper. "I already know that. I feel it all the time. I try to be there to help her with it, but what the fuck do I do? I can barely figure out how to get past my own shit!" She slammed her fist on the surface of the desk, before covering her eyes with her other hand.

Jiong's features softened, and he grimaced in self-loathing for a long second before he forced himself to continue. "If I was more of a man and less of a puppet, I would have had the guts to stop this when it was just a night of release. But you are bonded, and interfering with that would … make you unfit for duty or command. My conditioning won't let me destroy an asset of the SA like that."

He exhaled, glancing down at his hands. "I told you when we first met that I don't expect you to trust me, but I do need you to listen to me and take my advice in consideration when it comes to keeping you out of trouble. I didn't … don't … wish to alienate you. But I would rather you hate me and know the truth about what you face than like me and fall victim to consequences you haven't considered."

Shepard exhaled as well, clenching her fists. "So what am I supposed to do?"

Jiong folded his hands together. "I have given some thought to that. I would like Commissar D'Alte to work with Lady Liara in discussing her issues. Like me, she is trained heavily in psychology, and her xenospeciality is asari. She needs to take a good look at herself, and her own place in events. She is not simply an archeologist following in your wake any longer, and the situation you are in flies against regulations and hundreds of years of tradition in avoiding fraternization. Susan … will be able to give her guidance she needs." He paused. "You can trust her. I give you my word on that. She will not hurt Liara."

He exhaled. "I would also suggest you work with me to discuss your own issues. Your political officer is the only person you can be sure is not out to screw you over, and you have very few people you can confide in. Anderson has never been in this situation, nor has Von Grath, and neither of them are here."

He glanced at his padd. "Second, I would recommend you take into account the vulnerabilities and weakness we have discussed. Mr. Colms should be kept busy and made to understand that his grandiose ideas are secondary to his job as Weapons Officer. Mr. Dallas should be firmly put in his place and encouraged to find whatever spine and drive he has again. Mr. Cole should be trained and pushed to excel with the understanding that if he dies he will hurt his unit. Ms. Zorah and Mr. Moreau need to have a mutual discussion with you about if she really wants to be here or is forcing herself to be here."

Shepard nodded. "You forgot one person."

Jiong arched his eyebrow. "Who?"

She pointed her finger at him. "You."

For several seconds he was quiet, before taking off his hat. "Touche."

He glanced down, before slowly unwinding the sash around his waist and laying it on the table. "What I say is as … a man, or as much of a man remains within this flesh, Shepard. It is something that is private, and I would ask you not repeat it, excepting the fact that you can not hide such from Lady Liara."

He looked up. For a moment the iron hardness of his face was gone, leaving him just a handsome, intelligent man, sadness and frustration on his features. "No Commissar is truly loyal to the SA. We are taken as children, orphans from broken homes or victims of child abuse. In my case, my father beat my mother to death and sodomized myself and my younger brother, while my elder brother sold him out to the bounty services for cash, leaving us adrift. The SA took us in, and I haven't seen my younger sibling since."

He glanced away. "We are conditioned with drugs, with brainwashing, with surgery, with cyberware. You cannot have loyalty to something you are forced into obeying. A part of me that I try not to think about hates the SA. Hates humanity for needing something like Commissars in the first place. I hate criminality because it keeps me trapped in this half-life."

He looked back at her. "Commissars are absolutely reliable because we can't betray. We can't give anything less than one hundred percent. All of my previous assignments have been in situations where I was expected to support a senior officer. Know them. Plan with them. Become their friend. Meet their wives, smile at their children. Laugh with them." He looked away again. "And kill them if they betrayed their oaths. Do you know what it's like to smash in the skull of a man you called your friend and not be able to stop?"

Shepard closed her eyes. "Sadly, Alfred, yes, I do."

He only nodded. "Ah, Torfan. Then maybe you can understand my .. frustration. There are Commissars who desperately wish the situation was different. Who wish there was more focus on making people understand and less on punishment. But at the same time parts of my mind force me to see the criminal as worthless, fit only for execution or hard labor. How do I know which opinions are mine and which are merely that of the Commissariat?"

Shepard opened her eyes and looked at him. "You're not making me like my government any more with this conversation, you know."

Jiong shrugged. "You wanted to know my own assessment? I'm trapped, Shepard, in a job I have loathed for some time, in a mind that does not completely answer to my will. How would you deal with life if you were in love with someone, and you couldn't even say that to them or they to you because of blocks in your behavior? If you had to work with this person for years, wishing things were different? Commissars are not allowed romantic liaisons with other Commissars. That rule is absolute."

He looked at her, his face tense with emotion. "How would you feel if you had to watch Liara seduce another man for the sake of duty, when you could never kiss her? How would you feel to have to execute misguided men, women, and children, because your mind was not your own? I pitied Lady Benezia when she came free of her indoctrination for those few moments before the end. I know exactly what it feels like."

"Loyalty is a concept that is won by admiration, by sacrifice, by mutual understanding. Every Commissar has a 1.0 PRIDE rating, because we are not given the choice to serve."

He exhaled, leaning back. "And there it is, my assessment. I am a slave to the wishes of the SA. I am unable to change that right now. I would like to believe that I am, if not a friend, at least making the effort to try to be one. You accepted me and my assistance when almost everyone in your life you trusted had betrayed you at one time or another. The only way I can honor that trust in me is in letting you know that if the time comes when I must turn against you, I will not be able to stop myself, but I don't want to."

Shepard nodded slowly, and he continued. "I would like nothing more than to encourage you and Liara. I think you are good for each other. It makes me happy to see you laughing and being able to look forward to life rather than chasing death. But I am forced to tell you the truth, even if that makes you hate me for my words."

Shepard met his gaze and sighed. "I don't hate you. I didn't know you guys were that … locked down, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The SA has given me a lot of disappointment in the past few months, and … I'd lost track of some of that with all of .. this." She waved a hand at the room.

Jiong nodded. "Which was no doubt at least partially intentional. I do not speak of my own situation to incite pity, nor can I honestly say that you should hate the SA for what they have done to me. If they had not taken action, I would have died on the streets or ended up a child slave. If there is a liability in my service aside from my conditioning it is that I measure and distrust all around me. I can't even have a relationship with a woman unless it's a mission, and that is only lies."

He smiled, and retied the sash around his waist. "If I have loyalty, it is to and will be only to you. When I am advanced in rank high enough to have my conditioning removed and be free, it will be due to you dragging me along in your own career. It is not mere ambition that drives me. It is hope of a better day, Shepard." He finished the knot, and looked up. "We are all bound by our past and our burdens. But I have to believe there will be a day when what I have sacrificed pays off."

She nodded. "What will you do when that day comes?"

Jiong got a distant look in his eye. "I will be able to say what I have felt since I was a very young man. If I have nothing else, to be able to say the words to her once before I die is all I ask."

She nodded slowly. "... for what it's worth, I'm sorry you have to … live through that. Like that." She sighed. "And I guess I should cut you some slack. The only way you have to get out of that mess is to have me become important enough that they promote you, yet you have to tell me crap about Tali and Liara you know will piss me off. Hard situation."

Jiong shrugged. "I trust your ability to face hard truths, Shepard. You have done so your entire life."

She snorted. "No, I haven't. Liara had a conversation with my old squad-mate, Jason Dunn...she shared with me in our bond. He said I had all the closure there was to have but I kept clinging to my past and pain because I was scared of failing and fucking things up worse, so I pushed everyone away. That's not facing truth, it's hiding from it." She set her jaw. "But I can't afford to push people away now, whether I understand it or not."

She glanced at the padd, at the coldly worded descriptions of her crew. "I'll … talk with each of them. Let them know … where I stand on some things. I won't ignore this."

Jiong nodded. "That is all I can ask." He glanced at the status repeater on her wall. "It looks as if we're about fifteen minutes out from the relay. I should give you some time to prepare for the jump." He stood, placing his cap back on his head, and turned to leave.

He paused at the door. "Shepard."

She exhaled and looked up. "Yes?"

His face shifted, and then he firmed his jaw. "If there is one piece of advice I can give you, it is this. You say you can't help Lady Liara, that you are unable to help yourself. Yet you have helped her. You have helped many. If there is one thing in your profile that continues to limit your performance, is it your misunderstanding of pain."

She shook her head. "I would think I understand pain better than most. It lets you know you aren't dead."

Jiong's voice was soft, and held more emotion in it than she could ever remember. "Pain, Shepard, is anything you wish you could change, but can't. For a long time that was your whole life, I suppose. But you are no longer a troubled criminal, flung from battle to battle. There are others who depend on you. Others that require your leadership, your strength, and, yes, in Lady Liara's case, your ability to rebuild yourself and love, as trite as that may sound."

He met her gaze directly. "If you refuse to let go of the things that haunt you, you will be in danger of failing them all. Major-Commander Sara Shepard, Baroness and Spectre, is not the same person as Sara Shepard, sex-slave , criminal and Penal Legion soldier. That woman is dead. You are alive."

He exited the stateroom, leaving her lost in thought for long minutes. She stared at her hands, letting the words pour through her mind.

Poor Jiong. There's a guy even more fucked up than I am.

She couldn't even imagine a life like his, forced to uphold that which he might not even believe in. A part of her wished he'd never told her.

And yet, he didn't let that hold him or stop him. He had a goal and he was working towards it, regardless of the pain, and the suffering, and his own ugly past that sounded damn near as bad as hers.

Pain is anything you wish you could change but can't.

She let that thought roll around in her head a bit, and considered his words, rising from the chair and walking back across the corridor to enter her quarters. The pictures flickered up on her desk as she came in.

Voices from her past drifted across her memory.

Von Grath, bloodied after Horizon, grinning wryly and sitting in the wreckage of his command cruiser. Shepard, eh? Well, don't just stand there, girl, help me up. Shattered leg and all that, I can't be seen laying about. I say, if you can take out a Glorious batarian in a fist fight, you are definitely wasted in the ranks. I'll have to steal you from Rachel.

Anderson, his bulk blocking the overhead lights, visiting her in the hospital after Torfan. No, Sara. I don't give a damn what the brass says, or your teammates, or anyone else. This is not your fault. This is on the Systems Alliance. It's on General Tyrson, and the Fleet Master just shot him. The only thing you failed at is being a machine instead of a human being. And that isn't a failure. It's just life.

Rachel Florez, blood spattered and calm, standing over the corpses of her parents. There is no such thing as 'moving on', Shepard. These people weren't parents, they were shit. Parents don't sell their children. Parents don't ignore them. You can't hang on to something you never had, so stop fucking trying. You're mine now. Not theirs. Never theirs.

Helen Chakwas, her eyes intense, in the medical bay of the Normandy. A monster would not put themselves in harms way, again and again, every time they had to sacrifice soldiers, as if hoping to die alongside the men and women you had to let die to get the job done. I'm not as hard as you. I don't think I could do what you did. That doesn't mean it makes you evil.

She walked across the room and sat down on the narrow bed, picking up the soft folds of her Penal Legion blanket. Feeling the rough battered wool that had seen so many bunks, lockers and battlefields.

Greg Cole, his face framed in smoke, bandaged and battered from Eden Prime. I just decided to stop holding myself in the past over bullshit I couldn't change. Got married. Had two good boys. Decided the only thing I could do to get past it all was to leave something behind I could feel clean about.

Liara, naked and beautiful, bruised and bleeding, eyes lined with hope and tears. I am your strength, and you are mine. I am your light when yours goes dark, and you are my bravery when my courage fails. I am yours, if you will have me.

Her hands tightened around the blanket.

Liara, sitting at the piano in Anderson's apartment, elegant fingers drifting along the keys. I learned there that sometimes what we hold most valuable to us is not what others expect of us, or even what we think we want. It is those things that cry out to our souls when we are still and quiet. A reminder that we are but sparks from the fire, flickering for a few moments of brightness before the dark. That we cannot hold onto everything we cherish unless we take time to actually cherish it.

Anderson holding her as she cried onto his chest. I don't want to hear you ever wondering what will happen when you mess up, or what will happen when shit goes bad. I want to hear you tell me what you're going to do when you triumph. I want to see you live, child. I want to see you burn away all the chains people have thrown on you and see that smirk again, see that fire in your eyes.

She sat there, and then firmed her jaw.

"Hey you." She smiled almost affectionately at the blanket. "Been here since the start, I guess. Every fight. Every base." She rubbed the blood stain in one corner, the one staining the Alliance 'A'.

"For a long time I saw you as a reminder of how far I'd come. But I guess you're more of a reminder of how far I could fall. Of what happens if I fuck up again, or I'm not good enough."

She looked up, seeing the picture of Liara, and smiled. "I have to move beyond that now. Not for me. For … the people who need me."

She brought the rough cloth to her lips and kissed it, before standing. "VI. Suppress fire alarms, commander's cabin, my authorization."

She walked over to the omnifactory unit, opening the top with a button press, and kicked off the power cycle that would usually heat omnigel to cook it into shape. The circular opening at the top flared white hot, a puff of warm air shifting strands her hair from her face. It was fitting that a furnace of creation should destroy the last link she had to her ugly, blood-drenched past.

An image of the Penal Legion barracks, flaking white paint and the smell of blood and sweat. You are all dead. From this day until you eat a bullet, you live only by the grace of the Systems Alliance.

"Not any more." She let the blanket fall, watching as the dry wool ignited almost instantly, burning with a bright, fierce light that cast flickering shadows behind her. With a flick of her wrist she tossed the rest of it in, staring as the flames ate it away completely, the last corner to go that bloodstained, frayed 'A'.

There wasn't much smoke, and she walked over to the corner of her room and turned on the venting to dissipate it, pulling out a cigarette as she did so. Lighting it calmly, she sat down on one of the chairs, staring at the deck.

Jiong's last words echoed in her head. That woman is dead. You are alive.