As ever, a huge thank you to my lovely reviewers. You guys are brilliant. There's no real notes to go with this chapter except to say that using animals as a prop for talking about traumatic experiences is very useful for a lot of people and if you're going through something similar you might want to consider talking to an animal? Also I just genuinely adore Simon, we need more Simons in our lives.
Content Warning: descriptions of historical character death, self harm.
Dear Marcy,
I wanted to tell you about this sooner but your doctors suggested it might mess with your routine if you knew too far in advance so I apologise if this letter comes out of the blue. I've arranged for you to spend the day and night at home with me tomorrow, having some quality time together so we can start fixing things outside of a hospital setting. I'm sure you appreciate what a privilege it is that you're being allowed to come home for a night in the middle of your treatment. I couldn't help missing you and I thought we could talk some about how we're going to go forwards once you do come home full time. Because this is your home darling, it always will be for as long as you want it to be. I may not have as much legal control over you as I did before you turned sixteen but I meant what I told you in the hospital, I love you and I would do anything for you. So far as I am concerned the 'foster' part of you being my daughter is just a pointless legal word. So if it's ok with you I'll drop by right after breakfast tomorrow and we can have a day at home. Gunts has missed you too, he keeps sleeping on your bed and sniffing your things. I think we're both just counting down the days until you can be discharged.
With all of my fatherly love,
Simon xxx
She reread the letter for what felt like the thousandth time, waiting breathlessly by the door and looking up every time anything so much as moved behind the security desk. Soon, he'd be there any second. Simon never broke his promises, if he said he was going to come then he was. He'd told her plenty often that he wasn't perfect and he had his flaws the same as everyone else. But Marceline didn't really believe him, she knew way down to her bones that Simon was the most perfect parent in the world. He never shouted at her, he never let her down, she was always his priority. She and Gunther were both his rescue babies, he was the best foster Dad who'd ever lived. She resolved to tell him so the minute they were alone.
"Please don't leave."
A warm hand slid into her own at the same moment the breathy whisper tickled her ear, and Marcy was reminded of the only cloud in her immediate sky. Bubblegum was absolutely heartbroken that she was leaving for the night.
"It's only for one night, I'll be back tomorrow." Marcy told her solemnly.
"But I miss you already." Bubblegum whispered back.
"I haven't left yet. I'll see you tomorrow morning though, and I left you Hambo." Marcy replied quietly. Bubblegum was avoiding her eyes and wringing her hands together in what the other girl now knew was a sign of her deep agitation.
"But I need something soft or I can't get to sleep." she whispered finally.
"Marcy! Hello, darling. Just let me sign you out and we can go!" Simon called cheerfully from the other side of the security door. She hadn't seen him arrive, too busy talking to Bubblegum.
"Listen, I've gotta go now. But you'll be ok, just for the night, right?"
Bubblegum shook her head.
"How do I know you're coming back?" she whispered.
"Cause I left Hambo with you. And I gave you something soft so you could sleep." Marcy replied, wearing a grin she hadn't used in months. She'd been thinking about it ever since that night when the quiet girl had innocently asked if she was Marcy's girlfriend. And Marceline had come to the conclusion that she was trying to get better, she was trying so damn hard. Getting better meant letting go of the irrational fears she had about being close to anyone, her therapists all agreed that she should do everything she could to nurture close friendships and interpersonal relationships. And what better way to tell someone she cared about them and was letting them close? Nothing bad would happen, she reassured herself. Probably. But she'd never know if she didn't try. She was still pretty scared, though.
"Did you? Is Hambo soft?" Bubblegum asked quietly.
"Not so much. But, um, my lips are."
Marcy didn't even care if anyone saw, too focussed on getting her courage together. She leaned in and gave the other girl a very gentle kiss right on the lips, stroking her cheek as she did so and sighing a little because dammit she'd wanted to do that for so long. After a second she pulled back and smiled. Her heart was thumping staccato in her chest but it was worth it, easily the nicest kiss of her whole life.
"See? So now you know I'm coming back. Because I gave you a lovely soft kiss so you need to save up a really good one and give it back to me tomorrow." Marcy whispered happily. She stroked Bubblegum's powder soft cheek one last time and followed a smiling Simon out of the security door, looking back over her shoulder and offering her friend a wave as she left. Bubblegum looked back with huge eyes full of a complex mix of emotions and despite her plan to make sure her friend didn't feel abandoned Marceline felt terribly guilty about going. She'd begged the staff to let Bubblegum come too but they'd told her only direct requests from a patient's parent or guardian could be considered. Marceline had seen Bubblegum's mother, there was no way she was going anywhere.
"Someone looks happy." Simon observed quietly with a sidelong smile as they left the hospital together.
"Yeah, I think I might be a bit happy actually. Simon, do you think it's safe to like someone?" Marcy asked as she walked by his side, breathing deep lungfuls of fresh air as she went.
"I think so, darling. I know you've not had much luck with people in the past but that doesn't mean that everyone you like will leave. It means you're a person who's been through a lot and understands the value of people. Are we talking about your friend Bubblegum, by any chance?" he asked knowingly.
"Maybe." Marcy replied with an embarrassed grin, looking down at her feet. He smiled back and placed a fond hand on her shoulder.
"She makes you happy, I can see that for myself. Just, take it slow. I don't want you getting hurt again."
"We're just friends!" Marcy protested.
"Ooh and do you smooch all your friends goodbye when you're going away for the night?" he teased playfully.
"Simon you're so embarrassing!" Marcy wailed, full of normal teenage anguish that her father had seen her kiss someone. They were both smiling happily as Simon's wheezy old car pulled away from the hospital and they headed home.
...
"GUNTHER!"
"MIAOW! I missed you!"
"Simon, you're so lame. Come here, Gunty furbaby."
Gunther leaped lightly away when Marcy went to grab him, flicking his tail in annoyance.
"Fine, be grumpy." she told him. "You'll still come crawling back the minute I open a can of tuna, don't pretend you're too good for cuddles. Simon told me you slept on my bed, you big softy."
Malevolent yellow eyes turned on her hopefully at the word 'tuna' and suddenly the chubby black and white cat was much more willing to let her stroke his ears.
"Well now, darling. I thought we'd have some lunch, what would you like?" Simon asked happily. Marcy smiled up at him and it almost melted his heart, she looked so healthy again.
"I think I just kinda promised Gunther we'd have tuna. Do you wanna make potatoes?" she asked.
"Baked potatoes with tuna and salad, that sounds lovely." Simon replied.
"Ew, I'll pass on the salad thanks. I don't like green stuff."
"Shame, because it likes you. And it's also not optional."
Marcy sighed and shrugged, she'd never been able to talk her foster father out of trying to feed her green things no matter how many times she tried. It was like he was in love with vegetables or something lame like that. Simon wandered through to their kitchen and began pulling food out of the fridge and Marcy sat cross legged in the hall rubbing Gunther's belly.
"Gunther is a chunky cat, yes he is. Gunther is an evil cat, yes he is." Marcy sang under her breath, nimbly avoiding his claws when he randomly lashed out at her hand. "Hey Gunts? Did I ever tell you about my Mum?"
In the kitchen Simon didn't stop chopping up the salad but he was straining his ears as hard as he could; Marceline had never talked about her mother. She must know he could hear her, he was only a couple of paces away and the door was open.
"She was so beautiful! And such a good singer too. Better than me, she knew all the old songs from back when our family were part of a huge caravan train. She could sing them in the old language. And she knew everything about nature, Gunts. She knew which birds were nesting just from their song, she could tell if their eggs had hatched yet by looking at the ground around the trees. And she told me all the best stories. My favourite was always the one about the selkie girl who grew up in a human family and then she found her seal skin and went back to the sea. Mum taught me to swim in the sea, she didn't trust the chemicals they put in swimming pools. But Gunts, she was a crappy driver. And it was raining, she went too fast around a corner and we skidded off the road. My Mum died, Gunther. And I had to sit next to her body for three days because we were right out in the countryside and our truck went down a steep bank into some trees. They couldn't see our car from the road. But a birdwatcher found us when they noticed all the crows and he called the police and they got me out. My leg got broken and I hurt so much and I never really stopped hurting deep down. The birds ate her face, Gunts. It was horrible. I might be all broken inside still. What if I'm too broken for anyone to ever love me again, Gunts?"
"Miaow. People already love you. You're a wonderful girl who's survived some awful things, if anyone else can't handle that then they don't deserve to love you. It's so brave of you to start talking about your mother, I know how hard it must be for you. Miaow." Simon said quietly, still staring down at the lettuce in his hands.
"I love you, Gunther." Marcy replied. "Thanks for understanding and letting me talk about it at my own pace. I've wanted to talk to you about it for so long but I didn't want to make you sad. But my therapists at the hospital said that you're my kitty now so you want me to tell you sad things if it helps me heal. Were they right?"
"Miaow. Absolutely, darling. I'm always going to listen to you no matter how sad the stuff you tell me is. If you wanna be sad then I'll sit right with you and hold your paw while you're sad. And if you wanna be happy then I'll steal your tuna and demand belly petting and be happy with you. I'm your kitty, forever. Real kitties don't walk away from their owners when things get hard. You are the bravest young lady I've ever met and I'm so lucky to have you in my life, you make my day brighter just by being here. Miaow."
"I'm the only young lady you've ever met, Gunther! You came from a box by the roadside and then we got your from the rescue centre, you've lived here since you were seven weeks old. Silly old fat kitty. Hey Simon, is the tuna open yet?" Marcy called through to the kitchen, a little louder.
"Just doing it now, darling." he replied, also lifting his voice just a touch more than he needed to, willing to indulge her pretense that she'd been talking to the cat the whole time.
They ate a lunch of baked potato with tuna and salad together, although most of Marceline's tuna mysteriously disappeared into her lap where Gunther just happened to be curled up purring like a fat furry motor. She looked happier than she had in years, Simon thought to himself. Just for a little while he let himself dare hope that she might really be getting better this time.
...
"Do you think Bubblegum's lonely tonight?" Marcy asked for the tenth time in a row as she sat on their lumpy old sofa watching TV with her foster father that night.
"I'm sure she misses you, darling. And you obviously miss her. But it's only one night, I'll bet she's just fine." Simon replied, exactly the same way he had ten times previously. "Do you miss her?"
"So much. She normally comes to my room and we talk about all kinds of stuff. She knows everything." Marcy nodded happily.
"Everything?" Simon asked doubtfully. "Even where your tickliest tickle spot is?"
"ARGHH NO STOP I DON'T WANNA BE TICKLED!" Marcy squealed, wriggling away from him when he wiggled his fingers playfully in her direction. They both giggled together and she consented to let him hug her once the imminent threat of tickling was over.
"I know you miss your girlfriend, darling, but I am glad you're home for the night. Do you wanna talk about how you feel?" Simon asked quietly after a couple of minutes.
"I feel... ok, I think. Better. More like I can breathe again. Simon, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Now of all the things in the whole word that is absolutely not something you need to apologise for, ok? Like I said, you were ill. And now you're getting better. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't apologise for it, would you?" he asked her seriously. Marcy shrugged, avoiding his gaze.
"I guess not. I just feel like I fucked up. But Bubblegum told me that's called 'emotional reasoning', like because I feel guilty about something that I think it means it must be my fault. She said it isn't my fault though, and I have to apply the same standards to myself that I apply to others. So if she'd done the same I wouldn't blame her for it because I know she's ill. So I can't blame myself. Does that make sense?"
"Perfect sense. She sounds like a very kind and very wise girl." Simon replied.
"You should meet her, you'd like her." Marcy nodded, snuggling back in and resting her head on his shoulder. "I missed you, Simon. I'm glad you're looking after me now."
"Me too, darling. Me too."
"Hey, Simon?" Marcy asked, a little sleepily.
"Hm?"
"Will you tell me a bedtime story?"
He raised an eyebrow at her but she just shrugged.
"Just, nobody ever told me a bedtime story since my Mum died. And I know I'm way too old for them now but I miss Bubblegum and she always tells me stuff while I go to sleep, it's sorta like a bedtime story."
"Alright. Once upon a time there was a brave princess. And she lived with her mother, the beautiful queen. They were really happy together. But one day something very sad happened and the queen died, leaving the princess alone. She was sad, so very sad that a passing demon came to live in her head and feed on her sadness."
"This doesn't sounds like a very nice story, Simon."
"It has a happy ending. So anyway, the sad princess got sadder and sadder as the demon fed and even her foster father the king couldn't help, until one day she was so sad she wanted to go and be with her mother again. But she was brave, that princess, and deep down she knew it wasn't her time to go yet. So instead of dying she agreed to go to a special place just for sad princes and princesses, where they could make friends and get help. She was so brave. And once she got there the special doctors showed her how to open her mind and take the demon out, how to stop feeding it with her sadness and start seeing her bravery instead. Because the one thing demons can't stand is bravery, darling. It hurts them like a sword through their eye. And the braver the princess was, the weaker the demon grew. She was still sad sometimes, and that was perfectly normal because feeling sad is a natural part of being alive. But the important difference is that now when she was sad she was brave about that sadness and the demon couldn't stand it anymore. The more the brave princess faced her sadness and all her bad feelings about her mother dying, the weaker the demon grew, until he couldn't make her feel sad anymore."
"Was there another princess at the special place?" Marcy asked tiredly, eyes already sliding closed.
"There was. And her demon stole her voice, making her too sad to talk to people. But the brave princess had so much bravery that she had enough to spare and just being close to her made the quiet princess' demon weaker, so she could talk to the brave princess. I have this good feeling that being around the brave princess makes the quiet princess brave too, and soon she'll be able to be brave on her own and the demon won't be able to steal her voice as much. It'll take a lot of time and there might be setbacks sometimes but so long as the brave princess stays brave and lends her bravery to the quiet princess neither of them can ever be fed on by their demons for long. And you know what? The brave princess' father, the king, he's so proud of her. Prouder than he knows how to tell her."
Marceline didn't reply, her head was growing heavy on his arm and Simon gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze.
"Come on, darling, you can't sleep on the sofa. Off to bed with you." he told her gently. She opened her eyes and stared up at him blearily before nodding and standing, stumbling off to her bedroom. He followed, just to check she had everything she needed. He'd already made sure she took her evening meds and had snacks in case she woke hungry and a glass of water by her bed, mostly because Gunther refused to drink from his own bowl in the kitchen. She slid in between the sheets of her bed and yawned, closing her eyes again while Simon pulled her blanket a little higher as though she were still much younger and needed him to tuck her in.
"Good night, darling. Sleep well and wake me if you need anything at all. I love you."
"Mm, love you too. G'night, Dad." she murmured, already more than halfway asleep.
"Dad." Simon repeated to himself as he closed her bedroom door quietly. He went back through to the lounge and turned the TV down, still smiling like he'd received a wonderful gift.
...
"What's this?"
"A book."
"Very funny, smartarse. What kinda book?"
"You can't read? It's a book about sign language, it says so right on the cover."
The nurse narrowed her eyes at Marceline's attitude but there was no real reason to deny her bringing a book about sign language into the hospital so in the end she reluctantly placed it back inside the backpack.
"And this?" she asked again, pulling out a large plastic bag and holding it up like it contained something disgusting.
"Bubblegum." Marcy replied with a grin.
"That's a lot of bubblegum." the nurse said suspiciously.
"I've got a big mouth."
"Yeah you do. Fine, take your candy and get your scrawny butt back to your room. You missed group and the hospital is in lockdown." the nurse informed her curtly.
"Bye, Simon. I'll see you for visiting?" Marcy asked quietly, hugging him one last time before she had to go again.
"Of course. See you next week, darling." he replied gently, keeping all of his sadness out of his voice. He missed his daughter so much but he wasn't going to give her any reason to regret returning to hospital.
She turned and walked off into the lounge and away towards her bedroom with the nurse. He watched her go with a small tear in his eye, sad to see her leave but so proud of the progress she'd made recently. He just hoped she could help her friend too, it would absolutely crush her if anything happened to the quiet girl. But there was nothing he could do, he thought to himself as he slowly walked back to the car alone. They'd just have to cross that bridge when they came to it.
"Why's the hospital in lockdown?" Marcy asked the second Simon was gone, turning to the nurse anxiously.
"Because someone is missing and we're looking for her."
"Who?"
She knew who it was before the nurse opened her mouth, had known deep down the second the older woman had said 'lockdown'.
"The quiet ginger girl in the room next to yours. Bonnie Sugar. She wasn't in her bed this morning when I came by with her medication."
Marcy's world caved in. All the slow progress she'd made on her self esteem, all the careful cognitive reasoning about her emotions just collapsed. Bubblegum was missing, might be hurt, and it was her fault. Because she'd been selfish and wanted to spend a night alone with her father. Because she was the worst friend ever, because she was stupid and cursed and bad things happened when she loved people and it was all her fault-
"Hey, hey! Stop that! What the hell, you're scratching yourself! Come on, kid, calm down!"
Someone was trying to pull her hands away from her arms, trying to stop her from forcing her fingernails through the soft nut-brown skin, trying to stop the pain that was the only comfort against the screaming in her head, the cry of crows and crunch of beak against bone, the grind of metal on trees. And she realised she was screaming too, screaming out loud like her heart was slowly ripping in two, exactly like she had the night their truck had skidded down the hillside and her mother had died in front of her.
"Marcy."
Someone was whispering her name in her ear and small soft hands were closing over her own and gently pulling her nails away from her skin.
"It's ok. I'm here. I slept in your room, I missed you."
Bubblegum was crouching by her side, she must have fallen to her knees when the world turned into a churning spiral of fear and anguish. Some of Marceline's tunnel vision faded and her screams quietened to a whimper.
"Why are you shouting? Why's your arm bleeding? Let me see. It's just a scratch, it's ok. Come on, you should rest. I'll help her."
Through the haze of shock and confusion Marcy vaguely registered that Bubblegum had spoken out loud to the nurse because she was still too messed up to form a coherent sentence. She allowed the redhead to pull her up from the floor and lead her back to her own bedroom, they were right outside the door anyway. But there were curious faces looking around their own bedroom doors, every kid on their ward knew Bubblegum had just talked out loud for the first time in over a year.
"Why'd you hide in my room?" Marcy asked shakily as Bubblegum shut the door on the nurse's protests and helped her across to her bed.
"I got scared in the night. And your pillows smelled nice, so I slept here. When they started shouting for me I got scared I'd done something wrong so I stayed in here. Nobody thought to look for me here. Then it got real quiet and I thought they'd forgotten, so I just waited for you to come back. Why'd you scratch yourself?" the redhead replied quietly, sliding into the sheets next to Marcy.
"Cause they said you were missing and I was so scared something had happened to you because of me. Everyone I love dies or goes away, I'm scared it's because there's something wrong with me. And I thought you might have died or something."
Bubblegum wasn't whispering anymore; she was speaking quietly but in a voice loud enough to hear without straining.
"Does that mean you love me?" she asked, still in that soft dreamy way she had of speaking.
"Uh, yeah, I think so. I kissed you didn't I? I'm no good at stuff like this. But I was scared at first because I'm not good at loving people. Do you wanna try it though? And just let me know if I mess it up, I'll try really hard to be a good girlfriend."
"Yeah, that sounds nice. Do you want to kiss again now?" Bubblegum asked innocently.
So that's what they did; they kissed, carefully and slowly, held each other and lay in Marcy's bed together talking and so relieved at being reunited. When the nurse brought their afternoon meds and lunch she brought both Marcy's and Bubblegum's to the same room, sighing and muttering under her breath but doing absolutely nothing to separate them. Bubblegum said 'thank you' quietly, staring at her shoes and scarlet in the face from the effort but still managing to get the words out on her second try.
"Oh! I got you a book too, I made Simon stop by the bookshop on the way back." Marcy told her proudly once they'd finished eating and were snuggled down in the bed again, still fully dressed but very comfortable together. "It's about sign language, I thought we could learn and then if you get scared and want to talk to someone but the words won't come out you can sign to me and I''ll talk for you."
"That's really kind and thoughtful, thank you." Bubblegum replied with a gentle smile. "I like learning."
"I got you a big bag of your favourite gum, too. I bought every singe packet in the shop. Simon must really like you, he paid for it all and he didn't even mind."
"Your Dad is so nice. I wish my Mum was nice. But I'm sixteen tomorrow and she won't be my legal guardian anymore so I don't have to live with her anymore. Maybe we can get a place together when we leave the hospital."
"Maybe. Or we can live together with Simon, I bet he wouldn't mind. Do you wanna be girlfriends who live together then?" Marcy asked carefully.
"Yeah, I'd like that. But not the sex bit yet, because I don't know if I'm ready. Is that alright?" Bubblegum replied, suddenly a little anxious and unable to meet the other girl's eyes.
"Of course, you don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Besides, I don't think Simon would want us to do that in his apartment. I'd be really happy having a girlfriend I just cuddle and kiss, if that's what you want to be."
Next morning a letter was sent out to both Bubblegum's mother and Simon informing them that during her time at the hospital their daughter appeared to have formed some kind of romantic attachment to one of the other patients, that they would be closely monitored but that there was no indication that anything overtly physical or inappropriate was happening between them, so for the sake of their recoveries the staff and doctors had agreed to do nothing to separate the girls just yet but that they thought it would be best to notify their families. Simon read the letter with a knowing smile on his face, relieved for Marcy that she'd found someone she could connect with. Bubblegum's mother didn't take it half so well.
