Chapter 3
So, it turns out that my skills being necessary were not blown too far out of proportion by Bil after all. Thorin grudgingly even admitted, once, that it was good that I had come along, which practically made me fall off my pony. Within the first few days, when one of the ponies came up lame, I used my veterinary super powers, and one of Filis knives, and trimmed up the poor things hoof enough to drain an abscess. I felt like I was back in school as most of the company members gathered around and watched with morbid fascination as the smelly fluid drained from the small hole I made in the sole of the hoof. All of the dwarves listened as I explained what the probable cause for the abscess was, and how to locate and drain it. Honestly, I would've thought that everyone in Arda would have been experts with horses, as they seemed to be the only means of transportation here. Balin explained that, as dwarves, they really had no need for ponies or, horse flesh in general, as they lived under-ground, and primarily miners. As I finished up, I mentioned that miners back home had often used ponies, back in the day, to cart out the stone, up until self-motorized carts were invented, which seemed to fascinate them even more so. The lesson on hoof care and mining history were enough to keep them quiet for at least 15 minutes. Well, except for Thorin, Bil and Gandalf. Gandalf was next to Thorin, packing some more of that 'Old Tobey' weed into his pipe (honestly, that wizard was constantly high, and I can't really blame him), Thorin was too proud to become involved in the lesson I was giving to the others, and Bil was too squeamish to want to witness it. Plus, I know for a fact that Bil was using this time to try to get to know Thorin a little better, because I saw him try to casually insert himself between Gandalf and Thorin and the rock outcropping that the broody dwarf was leaning against while he waited for me to finish with the ponys' hoof. I even witnessed Bil creepily pet Thorins fur coat out of the corner of my eye.
After the pony was declared good to go, everyone climbed back on their mounts and continued on. Honestly, the scenery was a bit dull after a while and I found myself incredibly bored. Well, that is, until Fili and Kili pulled up along-side me with wicked grins plastered on their faces. "Whatever it is that you two are up to, I would suggest you think real hard about stirring up shit with me." I warned them. I felt like I was about to be a victim of a drive-by of some sort. Their smiles only grew larger in response to my threat. "Why, lass, what do you mean by that statement?" Fili chuckled. I narrowed my eyes at him, but made sure I kept Kili in my peripheral vision. I have experienced being pick-pocketed by the best street urchins in the world, so I knew the signs of mischief in the making. "Never mind playing dumb, just keep yourselves in front of me where I can see you." I said as I slowed my pony to a crawl, forcing them to move ahead of me. They both laughed heartily and Kili turned in his saddle and winked at me. "Look here you little shits, I want you to know that if you start something I am going to goddamn finish it. I don't pull my punches, I never learned how. "I said with a malicious smile. Fili looked appalled, and frowning, told me, "We would not throw punches at you! You are a woman!" I laughed and that seemed to cause him to become even more flustered. Bil pulled up next to me and eyed the two frowning dwarf princes. "I would say that your chivalrous attitude is wasted on Jess, but I feel she is best at telling others exactly how she feels about your sexist thoughts." He stated and turned a smug face up and looked to me for confirmation. I smiled back at Bil before I addressed the princes once again. "It's true boys. I know that your heart is in the right place, but that's a fucking sexist comment. While my wish would be to not have to hit a person, no matter the sex, I know that is a ridiculous expectation in certain circumstances. I have been in quite a few scraps, and most of them were with men that saw me as an easy target. I'm not saying I could beat either of you in a fight, but I'm relatively sure I could incapacitate either of you in order to evade any further attack." Bofur happened to slow his pony up enough to catch the conversation and he glanced between the princes and myself before he asked, "Would ya care to bet on tha, lassie?" OOOOOoooooh, this was going to turn into quite the adventure if this is how we were starting out. "Ok, Chuckles, what do you want to bet?" I asked, rising to the challenge. Now, I am by no means a bad ass. I just have a no-nonsense attitude and I can talk a good game. I have taken self-defense classes and a few martial arts classes here and there. I am confident in my abilities, but my abilities are in no way above and beyond most peoples, so please keep this in mind as I continue this tale. I never said I was level headed either. I'm smart, but sometimes my pride gets the better of me. Ok, who the fuck am I kidding here? There are lots of times where my pride got me into some dodgy situations and then my wits had to come along and bail me out at the last second. Bofur, Kili and Fili all seemed to converse with one another silently in order to come to an agreement on an acceptable bet. I watched them closely, and finally noticed the fact that they were actually using a form of sign language. Bofur finally nodded his head to the princes and looking back at me said, "If you can manage to 'incapacitate' either Fili or Kili in hand to hand combat, we will help your little burglar here with his Royal problem." Bil blushed a deep shade of red and looked extremely uncomfortable, pretending that there was something very wrong with one of the buttons of his waist coat. "What? It's not like it's a big secret." I scoffed at him softly. "Ok, agreed. Now what are you looking for in return, in the rare case that I can't knock one of these guys on their ass?" "Well now, we were hoping that maybe you could exert some of your natural charm and maybe entertain us in the evenings." Bofur said with a shit eating grin and a waggle of his eyebrows. I felt my blood boiling, literally. "Number one, who the fuck do you think you are?! That's a soild fuck off from me. You get all fucking prickly about me being a delicate fucking flower because I'm a woman and I need to be protected, and then you turn around and turn the fact that I'm the only woman in the group into your chance to sample my wares? You have a hand. You actually have two, so feel free to reintroduce yourself to them and go fuck yourselves. Not happening. Number two, my natural charm? Seriously? At what point have I come across as charming? Let me know so I can correct that shit ASAP." I snarled. Bil was choking on the laughter he was trying to contain, as were Dwalin and Nori. Those were the only other members of the company close enough to hear what was going on. "Try again. Maybe this time come up with a more intelligent request, you fucking asshat." I growled at them. The three conspirators were visibly horrified at my little melt down, and really, I was a little surprised at how angry I had become, but what's done is done. Bofur held his hands up in surrender, the look on his face was one of shocked horror. "Nay, lass! I dinna mean THAT sort of entertainment!" he sputtered, "I meant for you to tell us stories at night, to help us pass the time!" He and the princes went beet red with embarrassment. "Seriously? Then what the fuck was all that innuendo with the cheeky grins and eyebrow shit? Am I the only one that took that the wrong way?" I asked around the small group gathered near me. Dwalin finally lost the fight of holding back his laughter and nearly spooked his pony from the sudden noise of it. "Honestly, Miss Jess," Fili started to say, "We meant nothin' by it. Bofur just has trouble reeling in his amiable behavior sometimes." Well, shit, now I was feeling like an asshole for flipping out on him, but still, he should learn to curb his sauciness with me, so I refrained from apologizing. "That's all you want, is for me to tell you stories?" I asked incredulously. Who in their right mind makes a bet and asks for bedtime stories? Never mind, I just remembered where I was and who I was with, so there you have it. The group nodded. "Alright, deal." I agreed. Even if I couldn't take out one of the hairy leprechauns, story-telling wasn't such a heavy toll to pay.
Later that evening we pulled off the great east road in order to set up camp, and I knew exactly what was going to happen next. There are so many notable events in this story line that stick out in my mind, and the run in with the trolls was one of them. Thankfully, I had prepared for these little moments when I had packed my things. Even still, the burned out farm house gave me the heebie-jeebies, knowing what was coming up. I pulled Bil to the side as we dismounted from the ponies and decided to give him a little pep talk. "Hey," I started a little lamely as I looked around to make sure no one else was in hearing range, "tonight is going to be a big night for you." His eyes lit up with hope and I, unfortunately, had to squash that little light like a bug. "No! Not a big night for you in that way, you horny little thing! I mean, something happens tonight that will help to endear you to Captain Caveman over there." I whispered harshly. Bils brows furrowed, "What is going to happen, Jess? Should I be concerned?" He asked, his little fingers began to twitch and dance nervously over his buttons. I grabbed his hands to stop the movement because if I let it continue he would end up working himself up into a panic attack. I watched from the corner of my eye as Gandalf and Thorin had their little spat about moving on to Rivendell, and was not concerned when I watched Gandalf storm off, leaving Thorin looking even more smug than usual. Focusing back onto the task at hand, I looked Bil directly in the eye before saying, "Listen, Bil, I am here to keep you safe, remember?" He nodded and stared at me, waiting for me to continue." Well, I will say that, yes, you will encounter danger, but I won't let anything really bad happen to you. However, having said that, I need you to be brave and to think on your feet, okay? Just like that time you talked our way out of that messed up situation on the train last New-Years' Eve. I need you to be fierce, like I know you can be, okay?" He squeezed my hands and nodded in agreement. As he rejoined the company I watched as he squared his shoulders, mentally encouraging himself, and began to go about the business of setting up camp with the others. Kili walked over to me after a few minutes, and leaning over the back of one of the ponies, he waggled his eyebrows at me and asked, "Ready to settle that wager?" What is with this eyebrow wiggling shit? Does this actually work on women here? I rolled my eyes at him," Yeah, just let me finish settling these two ponies in and I will be right there," I said with a wave of my hand, indicating for him to fuck off. He chuckled and took the hint, wandering back to the others.
I made my way to the campsite, and set my pack down near Bils stuff. I turned around to face the waiting group, "Where are we doing this thing? Here?" I asked, indicating the flat area near the campfire. The entire company was waiting and watching as Fili stepped forward. Evidently, he drew the short straw. He gave me a lop-sided smirk and glanced back to Thorin before he said, "We will 'do this thing' here." He looked extremely cocky, and I couldn't wait to take him down a few pegs. There was an unspoken command given by Thorin, and the company formed a circle around Fili and I. Bil stood next to Thorin , a confident smile on his face as he smiled at me, knowingly. Bofur came forward and stood between us. "The rules are that the lass must incapacitate our lad Fili here in hand to hand combat. If not, she must concede to her fate. Let's try to keep it clean and avoid injuring each other in a way that will last longer than a day or so. Agreed?" he asked holding up his hands. As soon as we both nodded agreement, he dropped his hands and backed out of the circle. Now, I am not stupid. I know that these guys are warriors and they are trained to fight, but they have no idea that I have training as well and they believe that because I am a woman that I am an easy target. They were about to find out how fucking wrong they could be. Bil had seen me in action once or twice when guys got too handsy at the bars or clubs, so he was quite sure that I was about to put young Fili in his place. The dwarves had been quite vocal about how scandalous my travel attire was when we first set out because I chose to wear leggings that were mostly form-fitting and snug breathable tops. I told them to pound sand, this was how I traveled. My clothing was comfortable and easy to move in, and I was about to demonstrate how easily I could move. Fili and I circled one another for a few moments, each assessing the other, looking for weak spots. The others were shouting out encouragement and in some cases, rather racy banter about how Fili would be on top of me in the end. Fili made the first move, lunging forward, trying to make a grab for my right arm. I saw this move coming and easily spun out of reach. We faced each other again and Fili smirked at me before saying, "Lass, we all know how this is going to end. You may as well concede now before you get hurt. I'd feel awful if I made you cry. At least, cry out in pain anyway, "he said, and just for good measure, he winked at me. That was it. This kid was going down, hard. When he lunged at me the second time I grabbed his wrist and, using his momentum, flung him past me and wrenched his arm up behind his back and kicked him sharply in the back of his knee. I followed him as he fell to the ground, and using the pressure point in his wrist, I maintained my grasp on his arm, effectively pinning him, as I kept his arm bent behind his back at such an angle that it threatened to pop his shoulder out of its socket. I sat on his lower back, and clutched a fistful of his wild blonde mane, pulling his head backward painfully. Fili hissed, trying not to cry out as I leered down at him. The entire company had gone completely silent, so they heard my harshly whispered words of, "Who's crying now, bitch?" I released my hold on him and jumped away, just in case he decided to retaliate. Fili got to his feet slowly, with the help of Kili, and the two of them stared at me in shock. Fili cradled his arm and Oin began to assess the damage done, as he was the healer in the group. Dwalin was grinning, which was frightening in and of itself because it was usually not something he did outside of the thick of battle, so I'm told. Bofur, Nori and a few others exchanged a couple of coins and the rest of the company shuffled off, disappointedly to continue their campsite chores. Thorin was frowning at Fili and turned his stern glare on me. "We have a mission to accomplish, and I would appreciate it if you would not injure any more of my company to the point that they are completely useless." I narrowed my eyes at him angrily. "Calm down, short round. He's going to be fine in a few minutes. No harm, no foul. I didn't see you getting all bent out of shape at the prospect of him hurting me in any way," I pointed out to him angrily. Honestly, I have no idea what Bil sees in this guy.
Later that evening, at supper time, Dwalin made his way over to where I sat with Bil, near the fire. He handed two bowls of stew to Bil and growled, "Make yer self useful and bring these to the boys. They're over settlin' in the ponies for the night." He indicated a copse of trees near-by, and gestured with a nod of his head. Bil scurried off to remove himself from the company of the surly, dwarf warrior, leaving me to deal with the scowling mass of muscle. Without any warning, Dwalin sat down next to me on the log I was using for a seat. I stared at him, a look of confusion on my face, as he stared straight ahead at the fire. This guy has done nothing but glare at me since day one, and now he wants to join me for supper? Something was rotten in Arda, if you ask me. Anyway, after a few moments of awkward silence I said, "Oh, No. I don't mind if you join me for supper. Thank you for asking." The sarcasm dripping off of that statement was so thick you'd need a knife to cut it. He turned to look at me, and I noticed that he seemed nervous and aggitated. "Can I help you with something, Dwalin?" I tried to prompt him into a conversation again, but he gained his feet and began to stride off. "Wha'd ye do to Dwalin, lass?" Bofur asked from across the way, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "Fucked if I know." I said shrugging my shoulders, and delving into my stew once more. Before I could get the spoon to my mouth, Dwalin came storming back and tossed something in my lap before stalking off again to talk to Thorin. I looked down at my lap and saw that what he tossed at me was one of his daggers, tucked in a beautifully tooled leather sheath and belt. I glanced over at the others asking, "What the fuck is this?" I was utterly confused by this interaction. "What does this even mean? Who throws knives at people with-out saying a word?!" I asked Bofur, who had a look of shock on his face. Bombur seemed to be choking on his second helping of stew and Ori had both his hands covering his open mouth, like he was a socialite and he had just witnessed me getting engaged. Bofur recovered slightly and said, "uh, I will leave the explanation of that to Dwalin himself, lass. I am in no position to inform you of his intentions." I glared at him, holding the dagger in my left hand, "What do you mean, 'intentions'? What does that even mean?! Dwalin has barely spoken two words to me and now he's throwing knives at me and acting like I scare the shit out of him! Bofur, I am in no mood for games." I hissed. Before I could get to my feet Fili came crashing back into camp and yelled "TROLLS!" All the dwarves gathered around him, listening as he described what was happening just beyond the trees behind us, and I sat on my log, content in the knowledge that I was soon to have the place to myself, able to gather my thoughts and finish my stew in peace. As the company gathered their weapons and made to head into battle, Thorin stopped beside me and asked, "Are you not concerned for your burglar friend?" He seemed actually surprised at my nonchalant attitude about the whole thing. "Nope, I think he'll be fine." I replied dismissively, which seemed to piss Thorin off more. "So much for the loyalty of your friendship," He spat at me as he ran off with the others. I sat there in the peace and quiet and watched the flames of the campfire dance as I finished my stew in silence, contemplating the life choices I made in order to get me to this point in my life. It was a brief journey down memory lane, but it was entertaining at least. I settled down to wait for a while before I would check on the guys to see if they needed my assistance before Gandalf came back to save them all. As I waited I examined the dagger that was tossed at me earlier, still at a loss as to what the fuck had prompted the normally dour dwarf to gift me with such a pretty piece of weaponry. I guess the only way to find out was to ask him. After a few hours, I decided to go check on the fellas. I could use a good laugh at this point I think.
