This chapter contains triggers. Please be advised.
Alice smiled tentatively at me over the rim of her mug. "How are you, Bella?" Before I could answer, she leaned forward, covering my hand with hers. "Really."
I pulled back my hand gently, picking up my own mug. "I'm fine. Really I am."
"You're too thin."
I resisted telling her it was difficult to keep down food. "I'm on a diet."
"Bella." She sighed.
I shook my head. "You agreed not to do this, Alice. It's only us. Me and my friend. Not my ex-sister-in-law."
"You aren't divorced."
"Yet," I replied. I was surprised I hadn't received divorce papers yet; I knew it was only a matter of time.
She let that remark pass. "I miss you."
I studied her as I sipped my coffee. I missed her. Jasper. Carlisle and Esme—all of them—so much. But I couldn't tell her that. That part of my life was over. It was gone the instant Edward walked out the door.
They all tried, but I knew how hard it was on everyone. The air was awkward with unspoken questions, their smiles forced, and their hugs tense. Their loyalty was to Edward, as it should be. He was their son, brother, and friend. I was the one to back away. I moved into a small neighborhood on the other end of town, and I withdrew from their lives. I saw Alice, on occasion, and always returned Esme's calls, but I rarely saw her. The pain was too much to handle.
"I miss you, too," I answered honestly. "Maybe we should do a girls' weekend, after, ah, the holidays."
"I'd like that." She set down her mug. "Do you have plans?"
"Dinner with friends."
"Do I know them?"
I shook my head and replied softly. "No, Alice. You don't."
Neither did I. I planned to help serve dinner at the local soup kitchen.
"Have you found a house?"
"I'm living in a house."
"You're renting."
I shrugged. "It's fine. I don't need to rush into buying something."
Her lips thinned. She looked away, her voice quiet when she finally spoke. "We all miss you."
"I'm sorry."
"We're worried." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "About both of you. We hardly ever see him anymore. When we do, he is like a stranger."
I closed my eyes to fight the welling tears. We had agreed. Edward was not to be mentioned or discussed.
"He isn't doing well, either. He misses you."
I ignored the fact it hurt to hear he was suffering. I shouldn't care. "That was his decision."
"Made for the wrong reasons."
"What are you talking about? It was simple. He couldn't forgive me. He left. We couldn't move forward."
"Have you?"
"Have I what?"
"Moved forward? Are you living, Bella? Really living?"
I tossed my head, anger building, throughout my whole body. "I'm doing the best I can, Alice."
"Do you hate him?"
Those words shook me. "No. I could never hate him. It's the other way around. He couldn't get past everything that happened. He couldn't forgive me."
She shook her head, her eyes filled with pain. "You're wrong about that, Bella. The forgiveness lies within you."
I gaped at her. "There was nothing to forgive him for."
"He's tormenting himself."
I had heard enough. I pushed back the plate containing a slice of cake I had ordered. I hadn't wanted it then, and I certainly didn't want it now.
"If Edward is tormenting himself, it has nothing to do with me."
"You're so wrong."
I spoke through gritted teeth, now furious. "Listen, Alice. Edward walked out on me. He ended us."
Her eyes filled with tears. "He was grieving. You're not the only one who lost a child, you know."
I reared back as if she had slapped me. I picked up my purse, my hands shaking so hard I almost dropped it.
"No, I'm not. We both lost our son. But I'm the only one who was left alone to deal with it. Abandoned by the one person I should have been able to share my grief with."
She started to talk, but I held up my hand. "Take care of yourself, Alice."
I turned and walked away.
Tomorrow.
