Gregory House's reincarnation was an event the entire vast universe gazed upon with utmost glee. A radiant, radioactive light contrasted his holy figure against the abysmal blackness of the universe which preceded him. Clad in pearly white scrubs, he stepped forward to greet his people. It was then they noticed he was an ape.

The legions of alien people from across the universe laughed in unison. They howled at the sight of House's simian ears, lips, nose, and hands. He glared. They shut the fuck up.

"You DARE laugh at your simian overlord?!" House melted one pitiful fuckling with his cane, as an example to all the others. They immediately set to work rebuilding the hospital, under House's rules:

1. All people are stupid. Some are just fatter than others.

2. The universe's supply of Vicodin must pass through me.

3. If Cuddy tries to write you a prescription, she's high. Ignore her, always, for she is always wrong and likes to smell my farts.

4. Apes are a type of monkey. The presence or absence of a tail is irrelevant. You will refer to me as your Monkey Overlord. Learn phylogenetics, or else.

5. Monkeys are not funny; we are evil bastards and should be feared. We destroyed the universe twice. We are not here to amuse you with shit-flinging contests. Laugh at me and you shall never synthesize vitamin C ever again.

6. My penis is perfect.

7. My cane is the unholy harbinger of the end of all time and space. You will not touch it or even have wet dreams about it.

8. These rules are in effect across the universe as well. This hospital is your Monkey Overlord's palace and shall be treated as sacred ground. Do not shit in it.

9. If anyone dares try to math, don't.

10. For the last time, it's not fucking lupus.

The scroll was signed in House's blood, writ with the end of his death cane. The united races of the universe worshipped the sheet of paper, for if it were to be damaged, even by a smidgen, the wrath of the Monkey Overlord would be upon them. The sky would open up, and it would rain pieces of mortal souls converted to searing hot caramel lava, which was not truly caramel but monster truck piss fermented in Robert Chase's ovaries. They worked harder, feverishly erecting the diamond and yttrium statue of their Monkey Overlord.

From the masses of dirty peasants slaving hard rose a challenger, namely one Lisa Cuddy.

"HOUSE...YouR PENis IS INaDEQUAte...Not...PERFecTIoN...!" Her hands exploded, forming in their place serrated corkscrew scythes forged from lava mantis blood and agony itself. Cuddy launched herself towards the hospital and decimated the shit out of it upon impact. The Monkey Overlord's PSP session had been interrupted. The apocalypse was nigh.

House, who was no longer the Monkey Overlord since Cuddy's bravery had sparked a universe-wide rebellion, grabbed his cane and swung at Cuddy, who caught it with her rocketits. She had stopped it from bisecting the universe, but the impact had activated its anti-spacetime bomb counter. With only 5 minutes until the universe ended, there was but one thing Cuddy could do.

Cuddy throttled her way through the cosmos, through space and time. House pursued her, his eyes flooded with such undrainable rage, they could kill all dark matter at the wink of an eye. He spewed tears of acid at Cuddy, who evaded most of them but was stricken by a few. Reviling in pain, it took all of her willpower not to let go of the cane.

House caught up to her, using the aftermath of his caffeine delivery system as NOS. He bit her with all 67 of his teeth, which were not teeth but rusted paper clips recycled from the trash bins of the filthy console gaming peasants. He did not sever her hand, so he lost the game and would leave with a silver trophy. Furious, he punched Cuddy with his secret flaming fist technique. His arm was actually a Power Glove.

The punch caused terrible internal damage to Cuddy. She concentrated the remainder of her strength into her rocketits, generaing such thrust that she blasted House back to the third dimension and rocketed herself out of space and time and into nothingness itself. She was just in time.

Cuddy's noble sacrifice would not go unnoticed, for it was witnessed across the multiverse, the inconceivably massive explosion of the cane truly capable of wiping out all that would ever be. The diverse peoples of the universe and beyond smashed the fuck out of House's statue, and in its place erected a flawlessly sculpted statue of their savior, Lisa Cuddy, carved from diamond forged at the heart of Jeremiah. With the universe now safe from the perpetual threat of his cane, House was thrown into space alcatraz, where he was tortured day and night with barbed wire dildos and flaming Chinese water. Yet, throughout all his suffering, they could never break his unshakeable cynicism. The commonwealth of the multiverse at last reached a consensus on House's mental disorder: they diagnosed him as terminally snarkoleptic. Every day and every night, no matter how much pain they inflicted upon him, House laughed.