As I stand with my windows open and gaze at the city before me I am surprised to say once again I am in the city, but in National City not Midvale, and I regretfully left my known mother to fend for herself. It hit a part of my heart. Should I have left, or should I have waited for her to rise and bid her farewell? I am here in my apartment of organized chaos to settle, or in some ways spy. I sigh as I can recognize heartbeats throughout the city and I immediately throw on some lead lined headphones and listen to music. Just for a few moments I want the world to be quiet. I want to focus or not focus on one tempo, one beat. Not thousands. Then I gather my thoughts, and wits for which I wasn't ready for. Then I remove the headphones and walked to the window once more inhaling the summer hot air. I look with my eyes, with my x-ray vision, and then I center on L-Corp and there she is. She walks around her office talking to Jess, and then dismissing her and then she paces a moment with her hands on her lower back and then hips inhaling and exhaling. She says words but I haven't paid attention. I open my other senses and then I hear her words gradually and I then turn from her.
'Come please to me Kara. Please come to me.' Lena says but to me she is off limits. Then I hear alerts. I listen and there is another bank robbery. I change then l zoom off with Lena on my mind.
KLKLKL
I hate this. I hate the distance and it will break me, it will bring me to my knees and I refuse to let it happen. I am a Luthor. We don't go to our knees, we are not weak with our hearts, and we will not ….feel. I woke up and saw your face, oh Kara, my beautiful Kara. Your lips in a small smile and your cheeks flush with blush and blood after your ordeal in Reign's mind, and then I said her name. I said Sam because I felt her I knew she could come to us and for the love of anything holy I wish she would dominate the spaces of her mind because that would mean you were safe. I was not thinking of Sam or Reign. I was thinking of you. You confirming it in her mind. The epic 'IT' that I knew, that I always suspected. I believe you, I believe everything about you and I accept it. I will keep your secrets like I treasure chest and you are the only key. Only you can unlock it.
It is days later and I stand in L-Corp where I know you can find me if you wished. I want you to find me. I wish fervently for your desires to crumble and take me back as your friend, your confidant, and perhaps… I stand there in my office after I dismiss Jess and tilt my head back and all I can ask the universe is am I the on you want. Maybe, maybe not. So nightly since I have been back in National City I speak lowly hoping you will catch my tones that you will come. You never do. Part of my heart breaks, and my icy exterior hardens more and more by the day. Come on Kara, hear me, listen to my voice and come to me please. Again nothing. I know you are here damn it. You sister told me. So why aren't you responding?
I sighed as fire and cop cars run downtown a few blocks from here. I turn on the news and there in bold letters a bank robbery at 1st National Bank and you. In your blue and red dragging a half conscious woman out of the dust, and then as if by magic you hold a boy to your chest as you run up to the ambulance. So very brave you are. Every day is a risk for you. Villains use this entire city as a leverage tool and know you will come running to them if you can.
I sometimes wonder if I am brave enough to love you. Let my Irish roots and old gods reign on this and judge but I want to. I want to love you. You striped me clean of everything… from my name, from my disposition, my ice, and my labyrinth of walls and then rebuilt what you stripped with warmth and kindness, and I daresay love. You claimed me as simply as Lena and you fought for me. Now I found out the truth. I'm not an idiot Kara. I wish I was brave, I wish I could give everything up just for you, just to love you. But I can't. I can do so much good with my company, with my name, and resources. So I stand here leaning against my desk hoping you are alright then you emerge… victorious saving who knows how many people but all I see is the girl, the sweet women who saves all of me. I watch when you are looking for further direction and then I am selfish.
"Supergirl… Kara… Please… come to me," I whisper barely audible just in case of transmission bugs in the room. I see your head tilt and then lean and cock like a golden retriever. Then you ask if you where needed and then you take fight. Away from me. Then a gust of wind at the window. You are there. I freeze. I take in all of you. Your power your dominance and your face. I see the hardness in your stone like face, it is so uncharacteristic of you. I never knew you were capable of such ice in your eyes and hardness in your cheeks. I hurt you, I see that even more clearly now, but in your eyes behind the ice I can still see that glimmer which lead me to see your familiar sweetness and kindness.
"Miss Luthor, how can I help you?" You demand with your hands on your hips. I internally crumble. This is not what I want."
"I scanned your building on the way and your office and found no threats. I will patrol further until I am convinced it will stay that way," You say as you are about to take off. I thrust out my hand.
"NO…" I walk towards you and I can see a ripple of sort's as you pause and uncoil from your moment of takeoff. "Kara…" I let the noun float in the air. But yet you freeze and then turn to me.
"Protect yourself Miss Luthor, I will not be here always," you said before you flew off. I threw up my hand once more but there blast of wind was evidence enough of your departure. I closed my eyes and let a single tear slip down my cheek as I pulled my hand back and let it hand at my side.
All I can ask silently is what have I done. Then I sit in my chair, back to the glass window, and break.
LKLKLK
Across the city, past its boundaries, a Super falls in a heap of dust in the desert. The crater she made would surprise her when she would come back later. She couldn't see through her tears, the tears she fought, and then she just wanted to be down, down on earth. She lay out there where the stars are brightest, and it was a moment where tears slipped down toward my temples and I turn in the dirt and then pillow my head on my hands as I stare up at the sky. I often wonder if I never did belong here. Well that's evident, I scoff at myself but I wonder why it happened, and why I had to be a super. I hated it. I loved that I can help people, but I hate being… more. I wish Lena never found out. Not because I didn't want to keep the secret from her, but because I wanted her to like me for Kara Danvers not the superhero in a cape, just the girl in cardigans and glasses.
"Kara, you ok? There was some seismic activity in your area," asked Alex over the comm. Kara waited a moment, "Kara, I took you off of public comms. It's just us."
"I'm fine," I lied but Alex could tell."
"Kara Danvers, tell me the truth," scolded Alex and it brought a smile to my face, and a tear to my eye.
"I am ok Alex but can you do me a favor?" I ask softly as if someone could hear me all the way out here. The silence on the other end prompted me to continue, "Check on Lena from time to time. She will need protection."
"Ok Kara I can do that, but what's wrong, why can't you do it?" Alex said as I heard a rustle of fabric in the earpiece, then a scuffing of boots, fabric on leather, and then a shuffle. Alex was putting on her helmet, sitting on her motorcycle. I prepared for the blasting vroom of the engine, then I settled my head back against my hands. She transferred the call to her cell and I can hear the wind in the background.
"Now that she knows I am Supergirl, she is an even bigger target than she ever thought just for having that piece of information. I need to stay away from her now," I whispered to the sky and my eyes stung. Alex didn't say anything and then a heavy sigh escaped Alex. Kara sniffed and Alex heard it.
"I will help you any way I can. I know how much you love her," Alex said in her helmet. My eyes grew wide and then clouded and fuzzed over growing blurry.
"Yes, thank you. How…?"
"I may be new to the gay scene but I am not new to loving looks sister. You look at her with the same unconditional love mom and dad once looked at each other," Alex paused, "I'm happy for you."
Kara could do nothing more than tell Alex that she loved her, and thanked her before disconnecting. She watched long into the morning, and only then roused herself with the first rays of morning light.
Klklklklkl
A door burst open and my heart jumped. For a moment I was hoping it would have been Kara, my sweet Kara but it was someone I was not expecting. The black leather clad woman, barged into my office, and then sat her small ass in my chair and stared me down. Eye to eye never bending, never flinching.
"Kara," Agent Danvers spoke and I lost to war and looked away. She moved from her chair and went to the wet bar and pulled two bottles of water from the mini fridge. Oh course she knew where everything was, she ransacked the office in one of her investigations. I took it with a nod of thanks and watched as the smaller Danvers sister sat staring at me as she took a large gulp of water. She waited for anything, something and all I could do was nod at her earlier one word statement. The agent sighed and then scrubbed her hands with her face and then looked at me with softer, kinder eyes.
"She is removing herself from your life," she began not one to mince words and I opened my mouth to object she lifted a hand, "She is doing this to protect you."
"I don't need protection. I am a Luthor, and we can take care of ourselves," I growled. I hated that Kara made this choice for me without consulting me without warning…. "Protect yourself Miss Luthor, I will not be here always." I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my head back as that statement hit home like a grand piano falling from the sky. Alex seemed to see the process of my thinking a waited and I found her dark eyes.
"You have no idea how often she saves your life, do you? You have no idea how often someone sees you both together and has threatened you because of what they think they can get from Kara just by the simple act of using your name in a sentence or offhanded threat?" Alex was gentle in her inquiry. I shook my head. She never, ever mentioned it. I swallowed and shook my head. I felt like a little girl in front of Alex Danvers and rightly so. Alex left her seat and walked toward me and held out her hand and gestured to the balcony. We let go of each other's hand. It was a simple gesture, one Lex did when we were younger to comfort me. Alex nodded toward the northwest.
"362 miles that way is Kara. She asked me to watch over you, make sure you are safe because she knows what will happen now that you know the truth, or confirmation of the truth. I hear you are pretty smart," Alex smiled and bumped my shoulder. I wanly smiled and nodded. I look off in that direction. I can feel Alex's eyes on me and I turn and look at my guest.
"Do you know how much she loves you?" Alex asked me and I feel my eyes sting as I shake my head and I clasp my hands together, trying not to fidget, trying not to look weak, but I could not hide the salty rivers that leaked from my eyes and down my cheeks. Alex, gently, not one from hugging, wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I turned into her and let go. I let it release and Alex Danvers, Agent Danvers, held onto me as I wailed like a babe in the crook of her neck.
"I... I…I wanted her to… love me," I hiccupped as soon as I could speak something. Alex's arms stiffened and then she push me away from her but her hands still grasped my arms. She was there when I opened my arms with a smile on her face.
"Then do it. Love her Lena. Believe it or not I think you are the only one on this planet that understand what she wants, what she need," Alex's grip tightened slightly in emphasis. I looked at her and tilted my head in a very Kara like gesture and Alex's smile grew warmer.
"You are the only one who can understand how much she craves normality. You are the only one," she paused as the wind blew a lock of my hair in my face and the swept it back behind my ear and gently looked me in my eyes, "the only one that wants to be loved for the person you are, not your name, or abilities. You understand that she only wishes to be loved for being Kara to woman, not Supergirl, not kryptonian, and most assuredly not for being an alien. She feels that with every person who finds out they don't love her for her."
"She never told me Alex," I whisper trying to argue but Alex rolled her eyes.
"She never told you because you are the only one who loved Kara, and only Kara, and she loves you most for that. She loves you very much for seeing HER not Supergirl." Alex nodded as I looked into her eyes looking for the lie, looking for deception or an ulterior motive.
"I can't lose her Alex," I said strongly. Alex smiled.
"Then don't."
I never knew what family was, a real friend or sister was until Alex showed up bursting into my office rocking my world. Forcing me to see, and know, and feel open about Kara. To Understand Kara, that's all Alex wanted. When Alex left, I devoted my thoughts to getting Kara Danvers here, in my presence, so I could tell her. Tell her everything.
