Chapter 3
Tali awoke a few hours later and she lay there wondering what had woken her, then she heard a gasp and she froze, all her instincts kicking in, she lay there listening hard, then a small sob followed by a mumble of "no please" and she sat up reaching for the lamp beside her bed and turned it on looking around and her gaze fell on Livie's bed.
Her friend was jerking in her sleep gasping and as she watched she began to struggle "no" she mumbled "no no you're lying, no", Tali slipped out of her bed and moved over touching Livie's shoulder "Livie" she said gently "Livie wake up" but Livie continued to jerk then she let out a small cry and began to thrash "Livie" Tali said again alarmed now and tried to catch hold of her but she struggled away still sobbing, frightened Tali took a step back then when Livie began to call out to her mom in earnest she ran from the room into her parents
"mom dad" she gasped rushing to the bed and reaching over to shake them, she grabbed her mother's shoulder startling her causing her to strike out at the threat but Tali knocked it away easily, her father was woken by her mom's movement and he grunted instantly sitting up followed by Ziva, groggily he reached for the light rubbing his eyes as he heard "mom dad" again and once the light was on he looked over to see Tali standing there her eyes wide "Tali" he questioned "you have to come" his daughter gasped "it's Livie" "what do you mean" Ziva asked "she is thrashing and crying out and I can't wake her" Tali gasped.
Instantly both Tony and Ziva leapt up out of the bed and followed Tali into her room switching on the light, then they stopped looking at Livie, she was now curled up on her side shivering, sobbing and whimpering "no" she pleaded "don't kill her please don't kill her, mom" she let out another sob. Ziva moved towards her crouching down and reaching out to the shivering girl "Livie" she whispered "shh tateleh shh, wake up sweetheart"
X
I stared at him standing there pinning my mom to the wall by her throat, with a gun pressed against her forehead, I could see the fear in my mom's eyes as she stood there frozen to the spot staring at him as he stared at her "I accept your offer Katie Kat" he said smoothly before he turned to look at me lying on the floor "you" he snapped at me, his face turning serious "go" I stared at him in fear, he glanced at me, the gun still aimed at mom's head.
"go on" he said "get out, go to your team, get them to take you out of here, tell them that I give you to them as an act of kindness, tell them I have a gun to your mother's head and tell them that if they haven't left in 10 minutes I am going to pull the trigger and she will be dead"
I stared at him from where I half lay half sat on the floor breathing very hard still and tears were sliding down my cheeks "go on" he snarled "no" I managed to sob "mom" "Livie" my mom said still staring at him "go" "no" I sobbed "no I want to stay with you "Livie please go" mom begged glancing at me and there was desperation in her eyes "please I love you, go" "no" I said again, my mom stared at me pleadingly "please, don't do this" I begged my father who was listening to us confer with a sly smile on his face "eight minutes" he said glancing at me and giving me a wicked grin
"Livie" mom said harshly "go now, for me" I stared at her, then I tried to haul herself up but my legs gave out and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get them to support my body, I fell back down crying, I was helpless there was nothing I could do to save my mom "aw what's wrong sweetheart" he asked, his eyes flicking to me "she can't walk" mom said "she can't get to them"
"well unless she wants to see your blood spray across the walls and to see you lying on the floor with a hole in your scull, she is going to have to" he roared and jammed the gun against mom's forehead tighter making her involuntarily gasp, I let out a sob "please" I sobbed "don't hurt her, I can't" "yes you can Livie" mom said looking at me "come on you can do this, you are strong enough, please Livie I know you can do it" I stared at her, no I couldn't, I wouldn't, "I won't leave you" I whispered, still shivering. My father's head snapped round to face "get out now" he shouted.
"Livie, shh tateleh shh wake up sweetheart"
Livie jerked awake and felt someone shaking her, instantly she scrambled backwards against the wall crying out in fear "hey shh" she heard someone soothing "Livie it's ok, you are safe now sweetheart shh", Livie stared and saw gently chocolate brown eyes staring at me comfortingly and slowly she managed to calm herself slightly.
X
Livie stared at Ziva with wide eyes before her breathing slowed slightly and her eyes shone slightly "Ziva" she whispered Ziva nodded "are you alright tateleh" she asked gently, slowly Livie nodded "just a bad dream she whispered and a tear trickled down her cheek "I dreamed I was back in the cabin and he... he had a gun to mom's head, and I couldn't do anything about it" she choked back a sob and Ziva instantly moved towards her catching her up in her arms and holding her as she cried. Ziva sat on the edge of the bed hugging the terrified girl, then she looked over and saw Tony and Tali standing there, Tony had one arm around his daughter and Tali was leaning against her father looking at her friend sorrowfully.
"Tali" Ziva said gently and her daughter looked at her, Ziva smiled softly "ten li aka bevakasha tateleh" she said ("give us a minute please darling"), Tali looked at her before she nodded and gave her father a nudge out the door closing it quietly behind him.
Ziva turned her attention back to Livie she had stopped sobbing now though tears continued to trickle down her cheeks, she leaned back against the wall hugging her gently "Livie" she said softly "it is ok, you are safe, it was just a dream" Livie was quiet before she whispered "but it wasn't just a dream, it was a reminder of him, of what he did, of what I did, which is why I want them to go away, so I can forget" Ziva rubbed her back gently and under the material of her top she felt the lumpy and puckered burns that lined her skin, she swallowed feeling disgusted by the thought of those marks scarring her back permanently, they and the dreams would always hold her back.
She felt Livie sob again and she gently pulled her head up to face her "Livie" she said firmly "you are going to be ok I promise, I know what you are going through, I know how hard it must be for you but I swear that everything is going to be alright, trust me sweetheart" Livie nodded slowly "I hear his voice" she whispered hoarsely "he whispers to me, tells him I am just like him, a killer" "no Livie you are not a killer" Ziva said "you saved your mother's life and avenged all those whose lives he took, you are not bad sweetheart"
She looked down at Livie who was looking down at her hands "Livie" she said softly and the girl slowly looked up at her, Ziva looked into her worried brown eyes "maybe to get the dreams to go away" she said softly "you need to get rid of the blame and the guilt, and you need to believe in yourself because if you don't, then there is no way you will be able to beat this, you need to believe it yourself that you are not a bad person" Livie looked at her, Ziva smiled weakly "I was 19 when I made my first kill and I felt how you did Livie, confused, guilty, upset, but when I went to my father he told me not to be weak, if I wanted to survive then I could not afford to have any feelings, so I placed all my feelings in a box and locked it but it didn't help because when I opened that box years later just a little crack it all flooded out and I couldn't control it, I was shocked when I allowed myself to feel again, and I realised what I had missed out on over all those years" she looked down "do you understand what I am telling you honey"
Slowly Livie shook her head looking up at her curiously, Ziva smiled "I am saying that being emotional isn't a bad thing, it makes the living more real and in the end that is what we want, guilt, pain, anger, they are all fine in the right quantity Livie, it is just when they are out of control, what I am saying is, you don't have to get rid of your memories completely, you just have to get them under control" Livie looked at her slowly before she slowly nodded "you're right" she whispered "thank you Ziva"
Ziva smiled and kissed her forehead "now lie down" she said gently "try and get some sleep yes" Livie nodded uncertainly and slowly lay down, Ziva sat there for a bit longer before she slowly got to her feet and slipped out of the room. Tali and Tony were sitting on the sofa and they both leapt up when she entered "is she ok" Tali asked worriedly, Ziva nodded gently "she is better" she said "calmer now" Tali nodded "go back to bed aheva" Ziva said softly pulling her daughter into her arms stroking her hair gently "we all need sleep"
Tali nodded and hugged her mom and dad tightly before she headed back to her room. Livie was lying curled on her side eyes closed and Tali crept over to her bed and clambered on lying carefully down and pulling the covers over her, she was just about to turn off the light when she heard "Tali" and she looked over to see Livie looking at her "can I ask you a personal question" she asked "you don't have to answer" Tali nodded "of course" she said "what is it" Livie hesitated, "how did you feel when you took the lives of those people" she asked softly.
Tali paused looking at her "I felt bad" she said "but I knew what I had done was right, I saved my family's lives the first time, Levi Kedar was open firing on us, I saw him shoot my dad who was trying to protect my mom, I don't even remember making the conscious decision to shoot, the gun was in my hand and I pulled the trigger" she looked at her friend lying there listening "afterwards I was unconscious for a while and when I woke up nobody ever mentioned it, but I knew it had happened, we all knew it had happened, I was 12 at the time and I killed someone, I convinced myself for months that I had no choice, that it was self defence which it was but a part of me knew that it was still murder" she looked at her friend again "the second time was harder, I thought it would be easier because I had already done it once but no, it was worse.
She paused and stared into the distance "I was very scared, standing there with a gun to my head knowing we were also standing on a bomb for there was one under the stage, I was screaming at my parents to run but they wouldn't and I didn't want anything to happen to them, I mean mom was pregnant with AJ at the time, I didn't want my unborn brother to die without living, I had no idea what to do, it wasn't until he shot Amir and tried to do it again that I acted, when the gun came away I grabbed at it intending to throw it away so I could fight to get away easier but he was holding onto it, I knew there was nothing I could do except one thing, I really didn't want to but I felt the gun turn towards my family again and I knew I had too, I pulled the gun down and managed to shove it against my stomach, I looked at my family and Amir and all the people around and knew that if I did this, no one else would get hurt by him, so I pulled the trigger" her hand went to her stomach "it hurt bad, technically I didn't kill him, but I still shot him and that hurt too he dropped me to the floor and I blacked out, then I woke up and saw mom and dad and I knew that I had done the right thing"
She looked at Livie "thank you for telling me" Livie mumbled, then she looked at her again "how does it not cripple you" she asked "cus it drags me down" Tali smiled "and you are not alone there Livie, it drags me down too and I can feel it there always, my dark passenger but I can push it aside now" Livie frowned "how" she asked, Tali smiled "when you see your mom don't you get a warm feeling inside of you, like a glow in your chest and a sense of relief" she asked, Livie nodded slowly "relief that I didn't lose her" she said, Tali smiled "every time I see my mom and dad, every time I see my dad smile at my mom I see the love in his eyes and every time I see mom with AJ playing with him, making him smile makes her smile, I know that I made the right choice and I thank god that I did, a bit of pain for a lifetime of memories and that warm feeling gets so big that it pushes my dark passenger aside, into the corner where I can't feel it as much"
Livie smiled "my dark passenger must be bigger than yours" she said "stronger" Tali smiled "it is only as big as you let it be" she said, Livie nodded "well I need to make it get smaller before I contain its size" she said and Tali smiled and the two of them closed their eyes and tried to settle down, Livie heard Tali's breathing slow and she slipped off to sleep whilst she lay there for a bit thinking about what the two DiNozzo women had just told her.
XOXO
Ziva woke up the next morning with Tony's arm slung over her, she felt a small smile slip onto her face as she looked over at him still sleeping, she looked at the clock and saw that it was quite late for them, AJ had let them have a lie in, she carefully slid out from underneath Tony's arm and she slipped out and peeped into AJ's room "shalom Aiden" she said seeing him standing up peering through the bars of his crib at her, he giggled when he saw her and held up his arms, smiling she moved into the room and carefully picked him up hugging him to her chest, then she smiled affectionately at her son "do you have a dirty bum" she asked and he looked at her before nodding, smiling she found all the diaper changing things and carried it and her son into the lounge where she sat down and carefully cleaned him up before heading into the kitchen, there was no dog meaning Tali had taken him out with her for her run.
She set AJ on the floor to play whilst she began to make him some breakfast, that was when she heard the door open and looking over she was surprised to see Livie coming out fully dressed with her bag on her back, "Livie" she called and the teenager jumped swinging round to face her "oh hi Ziva" she said "you're up early", Ziva pointed to the floor where AJ sat "hungry toddler" she said "what are you doing up this early" "um" Livie said "I was going to head home" Ziva gave her a smile "come have breakfast tateleh and you can shower before you head home, you cant head out on an empty stomach" Livie smiled and came uncertainly into the kitchen sitting at the table with Ziva.
"you feeling better" Ziva asked, Livie nodded slowly "yeah she said "a bit though it is still there" Ziva smiled gently and then looked down as AJ hauled himself to his feet and moved over to Livie offering her the plastic pony he was playing with, smiling Livie took it and then lifted him onto her lap when he held up his arms, he settled himself there and then began to play with his toy again, Livie smiled at him.
At that moment the door opened and Tali came in releasing Brodie from his lead, tugging her headphones out, she smiled when she saw them "hey" she said "hi" Livie said "good run" Tali nodded "yeah it was good, nobody on the trails so had the entire run to myself, Brodie loved it" Livie grinned and reached out to stroke the dog as he came over panting happily, AJ squealed and reached out excitedly to the dog who licked the little boy's hand before he headed over to the water bowel and had a long drink before flopping down on his bed.
"well" Tali said, "I am hot and sticky so I need a shower before dad gets up" she jogged over to her bedroom and grabbed a clean change of clothes before she jogged towards the bathroom and shut the door. "the running helps her" Ziva said and Livie looked at her questionningly "the running helps her keep everything in control, all her emotions, the anger, the frustration, does your horse, Skye, not help with that" Livie smiled "I do feel better with Skye" she said "when I am with her, I forget everything, I think that it is thanks to her that I can smile at the world and say 'I'm fine' even though I hardly ever mean it" Ziva smiled gently at her and then looked up as the door to her bedroom opened and Tony came stumbling out yawning and running his hands through his already tousled hair "morning" he managed past a yawn "hey mini man did you not wake us, good boy" AJ giggled at the sight of his father and slipped off Livie's knee to run at him and Tony grinned as he lifted him above his head before bringing him back into his chest, he looked at Livie "you feeling better kiddo" he asked gently, she gave him a weak smile and nodded "yeah thanks Tony" he smiled at her before moving over to put the kettle on.
Tali came out not long after and they all ate a breakfast, Tali and Tony playfully bickering as always before Livie slowly headed off to wash, and once he had eaten Tali took AJ into his room to get him dressed, Ziva looked at Tony "what do you think we should about what happened to Livie last night" she asked, he sighed and shrugged "I don't know Zee, she looks better now" "but you weren't with her last night, she was crying her eyes out Tony" she said, he looked at her "do you think we should tell her parents because I doubt she will", Ziva thought "yes maybe" she said and reached for the phone as Tony pulled out his phone and began to tell her Kate's number.
"no don't" came a cry and they both looked up startled to see Livie standing in the doorway to the bathroom her eyes wide "no please don't call them" she begged breathing hard eyes still wide, "hey easy Livs" Tony said moving over to her "calm down" he caught hold of her and gently steered her over to the sofa and sat her down, slowly Ziva followed and both she and Tony sat down on the other sofa.
Livie looked at them wildly "please don't call them" she begged "please" "shh, it's ok" Ziva soothed, then she frowned "why don't you want us to call them honey" Livie didn't answer she just stared at her hands again, looking up Ziva saw Tali standing there with AJ looking at them looking worried suddenly, still frowning Ziva looked back at Livie "why don't you want us to call them" she asked again, then her eyes widened "Livie do your parents know you are staying with us" she asked, a moment passed before slowly Livie shook her head, Ziva glanced at Tony who looked worried and confused then he leaned forward "please tell me they know you are in DC Livie" he said, Livie looked up at them and a tear dribbled down her cheeks before again she slowly shook her head.
"Livie" Ziva exclaimed "you ran away" "no" Livie cried begging her to understand "no I didn't run away I was always intending on going back I just knew they wouldn't let me come" Tony groaned and ran his hands through his hair before he pulled out his phone, Livie looked at him miserably "are you calling them" she whispered and he shook his head "hey boss" he said quietly "listen Ziva and I need to take the day off... because we need to take Livie home... well we just discovered that her parents don't know that she is in DC... yeah so we will take her home... ok thanks boss" he slowly closed the phone and looked at Ziva "Gibbs is coming by" he said "he will pick AJ up for us and take care of him with Abby's help" Ziva nodded, then she looked at her daughter "did you know that Rick and Kate didn't know Tali" she asked, Tali narrowed her eyes at Livie "I knew but Livie promised me she would tell them last night"
Livie looked up at her "I promised you I would let them know I was safe" she mumbled "and that is what I told them, that I was safe" Tali scowled at her, "come on" Tony said "we need to get you home before they have a panic attack" "no" Livie said "I can't go home yet, I haven't finished yet, I need to finish what I started before I can go home, please let me finish" Ziva looked at her "I promise I will go home" Livie begged "please, just let me do this one last thing before I do, please" she gazed at them both pleadingly before looking at Ziva "please" she whispered "so I can get rid of the guile and believe in myself" Ziva stared at her before she sighed and looked at Tony before she crouched down in front of Livie "are you sure you can do this Livie" she asked quietly, Livie looked at her "I have to" she whispered.
Ziva thought "ok" she said "if we let you do this you do it on our terms, if we get there and we don't think you can do it we turn around and head straight back to New York no arguments ok" slowly Livie nodded "thanks Ziva" she whispered and slowly hugged her, Ziva hugged her back glancing at Tony wondering if she had made the right choice, then she looked at Tali still standing there "do you want to come tateleh" she asked and Tali nodded.
At that moment there was a knock at the door and Tony went to answer it allowing Gibbs in, their boss greeted the DiNozzos before looking down at Livie who slowly looked up at him "you gonna give me a lecture about leaving without telling my parents where I went too" she asked, a small smile cracked onto Gibbs face "no I am pretty sure Tony and Ziva have made it clear that it was wrong, no point me repeating it" Livie nodded at him, "but I will do this" he said and Livie gave a small gasp as he gently Gibbs' slapped her across the back of the head, then she slowly looked at at him and gave him a weak smile, slowly he crouched down looking at her "do what you need to do" he said "then go home and don't scare your poor mother like that again, lord knows what she is going through, and why won't you let Tony and Ziva call her" "because she won't let them take me to the cabin, she will come and get me, I need to do this" she said
Gibbs nodded "ok then" he said "be careful and take care of yourself yes" she nodded "thanks Gibbs" she mumbled and he nodded before moving over to Tali and AJ and scooped the little boy up "Abby will be pleased to see you again so soon little man" he said and AJ laughed excitedly. Ziva got some things for her son ready and packed in a bag before giving Gibbs the car seat and allowing him to take the little boy off to work with him.
Tony sighed then and looked at the rest of his family and Livie, "come on then" he said "lets get this show on the road", they all smiled weakly and headed down the stairs.
XO
The closer they got to the cabin, the tenser everyone became, Ziva looked in the mirror, Tali was staring out the window, she looked calm and in control but she was slightly tense, as for Livie, she was staring in front of her breathing hard, her fists were clenched and she had a determined look on her face, she was determined to do this. Ziva felt the car slow and felt her stomach clench when she saw the cabin in front of them, tucked amongst the trees it didn't look dangerous, it looked innocent, but they knew that it was face from innocent, it had held their daughters locked inside it for over a week, it had caused them all so much pain, if it was her choice they would never have come back here, but she knew that this was Livie's choice.
She looked over as Livie slowly opened the door and slipped out "Livie" she said gently "do you want one of us to come in there with you" slowly Livie shook her head, "thanks Ziva but no thanks, I think I need to do this on my own" she now looked terrified, Ziva thought "fifteen minutes" she said "then one of us is coming in" Livie nodded and turned moving slowly towards the house. Ziva felt Tony take her hand and squeeze it comfortingly and she smiled briefly at him, Tali leaned against the front two seat watching as her friend moved forward to try and conquer her nemesis.
