Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives

Hot Local Singles looking for love!

Like, lonely? Are you looking for that special someone in your life? Is your cripplingly non-existent love life crushing you with its continued non-existence? Are you, like, suicidal from your inability to keep with a person who can stand to be with you for like, twenty seconds? Well, like, never fear, because, there are, like, so many hot people who are, like, looking for love in your area!

Like, these super-detailed profiles will, like, show the age, gender, species, sexuality, and appearance of our eligible bachelorettes and possibly even some bachelors! They have, like, also sent our love experts a profile showing what they're looking for in their man or woman! It's, like, so simple! And, like, at the bottom of the profile, there's a little codified message associated with them! This is, like, what needs to be sent to the Love Fairy's house (that's, like, Hatate Himekaidou's house) along with two hundred yen for the Love Fairy to arrange a date for you and the lucky gal or guy!

So, like, here are the super-awesome profiles!

Fujiwara no Mokou

Age: I forget how old I am... I don't know, somewhere in the thousands, maybe?

Gender: Female

Species: Eternally living human

Sexuality: Um... I've had about fifty lesbian phases and seventy bi-curious phases... uh... so, perhaps I'm bisexual? I'm not really sure.

Appearance: Pale skinned, with pale, long hair, and a tendency to wear trousers held up by suspenders. My clothes may have a few burns on them. I tend to have a lot of accidents... fire-fighting.

Profile: I'm only doing this because an annoying tengu came up to me speaking in an irritating valley girl tone and said that she was 'the Love Fairy' and that she'd help me find love. She wouldn't take no for an answer, so here I am.

I guess I'd prefer a youkai, given I tend to outlive any humans that I date. Then again, after living through so many generations of humans, I guess I've stopped wanting a serious relationship. Hey, anyone want a casual fling? Ooh, I've never had an affair with someone before... hey, any married guys too ungrateful to appreciate that they get to die with a woman who'll also die? Then why not cheat on her with me?

I promise the guilt won't haunt you forever, because unlike me, you actually get to die. You're all lucky. You know what, my life sucks. Yet here I am. Still living. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

Super-special Love Fairy Code: 1800-KILL-ME-WITH-FIRE

Cirno

Age: I can't count past one hundred... and I think... I think... I think I'm... eleventy one. Yeah! Of course I'm eleventy one! I know I am, because I'm a genius!

Gender: What's a gender? Whether I'm a boy or a girl? Well, I'm a girl, obviously! This test is easy!

Species: The strongest fairy of them all!

Sexuality: That's a long word... what does it mean? What I like? Well... I like freezing frogs, I guess...

Appearance: I have icy wings and blue hair! I look really pretty, because I win everything in the fairy community, even the beauty contests! I also like wearing blue, because it's like a deep blue glacier!

Profile: I am the strongest fairy of them all! I freeze any fools that get in my way, and am the coolest fairy of them all too! In fact, I'm the strongest, smartest, manliest, most feminine, and prettiest fairy in all of Gensokyo!

Now... what's this thing for again? Dating? Huh? The tengu never told me that! I don't like yucky stuff like that! It sucks that I have to read tiny writing about this stuff...

Super-special Love Fairy Code: 1800-IM-THE-STRONGEST

Tokage Reiketsu

Age: Two hundred and fifty nine and two days! It was my birthday the day before yesterday!

Gender: Female

Species: Lizard Youkai

Sexuality: I don't care whether it's a guy or a girl, both are hot for different reasons! In fact, could a guy and a girl date me, so I can keep my options open?

Appearance: I have boisterous, untameable hair that flows from my crown with an ethereal shimmer, its verdant hue filling the air with life and vibrancy. My fair complexion belies a pure heart of purity, and although I require spectacles, my face is pulchritudinous enough that the objects of visual correction only make my beautiful face even more ethereal. My body is a perfectly formed temple of sensuality, and will bring pleasure to anyone blessed with the mere sight of it, and I am most proficient at making love with my felicitous future partner.

Profile: Greetings! I am famed Mayohigan writer, Tokage Reiketsu! You probably know me better as the writer of the classic romance novel, the Forbidden Love of Yukari Yakumo! On top of my naturally self-demonstrating talents, I'm also a brilliant lover, and have been on many romantic escapades which I have some vague proof that shows that my former lovers adored me.

Of course, I broke up with them, because no-one would ever want to dump me. I've been with too many untrue loves, and I'm looking for the one... my true love. You'll know if you're my true love by possessing these traits.

If you're a man: A chiselled body carved by the angels, raven hair that flows in the evening wind, a square, masculine jaw of virility, and you should never wear a shirt and cover yourself in oil daily.

If you're a woman: You should have a perfect, curvaceous body and a pale, ethereal face. Your cup size has to at least be C or I won't date you. Dress code is strictly cleavage-revealing at all times, and your skirt must not reach your knees. Thigh-high socks are preferred, but not mandatory, because I'm a nice girl who doesn't demand a lot.

Anyway, if you meet those specifications, I look forward to dating you!

Super-special Love Fairy Code: 1800-TRUE-LOVE-FOR-YOU

Hebiko

Age: Um... two hundred and thirty seven. I know... I'm too young for this crap...

Gender: Female

Species: Lizard Youkai

Sexuality: I know it's kinda stupid, given the demographic, but... I like men...

Appearance: I... haven't had a haircut in while, and I don't like combing my hair because it hurts too much... so it's kinda knotted. It's kinda reddish, I guess... um... you... probably wouldn't like my eyes much, so... so they're hidden... and... uh... I... I dress in red too... but... not one of those nice red dresses, just... you know, a red shirt... my skirt's kinda dirty... it's... it's not that I don't wash it, it's just... it's the only one I have, and some stains just won't go... sorry if I'm not pretty...

Profile: I... just wanted to see if this would work. I'm... I'm not desperate. Honestly, I'm not. I'm just... testing this service. I'm curious about whether it'll work, I guess. Anyway, I should probably say some thing about myself.

I'm... I'm a young lizard youkai who would like a good man... I don't really care what species he is, as long as he is fairly long-lived, because I want to adopt a child with that special someone someday... so, I'm sorry, I'm not into humans. I guess humans wouldn't be into me either, I mean, I have that lizard tail dangling around and everything...

So, yes... I guess that's all I want. A man who'll care for me and be willing to care for a child. However... I'm... sort of... infertile, so if you're a man who wants a child that's... you know... um... really yours, I... I can't... I can't... do that for you. Sorry.

Super-special Love Fairy Code: 1800-I-AM-JUST-TESTING

Nue Houjuu

Age: Old enough to know what guys like and young enough to look great...

Gender: Whatever you want...

Species: Nue, but that's just a technicality. What are you into?

Sexuality: I'll try anyone once.

Appearance: Appearance, schmappearance. I'm whatever you want... I'm a shapeshifter. So, what do you like? I'll be anything for a good guy... or gal, for that matter.

Profile: You probably know me by many names. The Chimera... an alien... an unidentified flying object... I'm a very accomplished actress and can be whoever you want me to be. Really, I'm only here because I figured I could at least benefit from advertising my... services.

Most people don't even know it's me. You never know, you might have got with me before. There's no way you would know. I like to pretend to be people's girlfriends every now and then... did your timid girlfriend recently become... something else in bed? It was me, I guarantee it.

As you might have guessed, I'm only after a little casual 'love'. Also, if you're the kind of person who likes to prank others, then I guess we could become long-term friends... maybe friends with benefits? Then we can have fun pranking others together! Also... if... you happen to be another Nue, then... then I would actually like a long-term relationship, because I don't know if there are other Nues out there...

Because the wonderful, wonderful thing about Nues is... at the moment... I'm the only one...

...come to think of it, that isn't so wonderful...

Super-special Love Fairy Code: 1800-MY-SEDUCTIVE-NUE

Koakuma

Age: I don't bother counting any more...

Gender: Female

Species: Devil

Sexuality: Straight

Appearance: Well... I have reddish hair, it's rather long and straight, and I like to wear black. Um... just so you're aware, I also have bat wings, just a heads-up.

Profile: I'd... like a nice guy who has short hair... preferably pale and blondish... with a fairly broad set of shoulders... that's human... and wears glasses... and... owns an antique store... called Kourindou.

Um... yeah. I'd just like that. I'm pretty sure there's someone in Gensokyo that fits that definition, but I can't think of who that person could be...

...oh well, I'm sure if that person is around, they'll contact me when they see this, rather than staying with an undeserving human girlfriend that they most likely have...

Super-special Love Fairy Code: 1800-YOU-KNOW-WHO-YOU-R

That's, like, all there is for today, but, like, if more people sign up to this super-awesome service, I'll, like, have to add them to the list and make more advertisements for them! I just, like, know this service is gonna be totally popular and become the number one dating service in Gensokyo... well, like, the only one, but still!

Like, remember, potential cuties, like, if you're interested in any of these super-desirable, super-hot bachelorettes, like, send a letter with the corresponding code to Hatate Himekaidou's house, and I'll, like, totally give the code to the Love Fairy that, like, happens to live with me! Then she'll sort everything out and you two can, like, totally live happily ever after!

See ya later!

Present-day hindsight: Ugh, Hatate just had to include this garbage in the archive. It's an advert, for pity's sake! This isn't a good story, it's just... it's just... worthless! I mean, what's the point in these things, anyway? Newspapers aren't there to help people with their silly problems, they're there to reveal people's problems and scandals!

But yeah, I guess I let Hatate put this in the archive to humour her... sorry about the mess, just... skip past this page or something.