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-Hazel


Walking through the automatic doors, he paused in the lobby. Everything was foggy through the filter of his own damaged intellect, and Deeks was having a terribly hard time separating memories from the harsh reality that had been laid out in front of him.

He wasn't sure if it was a PTSD relapse, or if he was just losing his mind. The latter seemed to be more probable, but Deeks didn't even care.

All he wanted was to see Kensi. Alive.

His head spun as he searched for the reception desk, but nothing was coming out clear. A dizzying array of mental pictures danced around in his head, some good and some bad, but soon enough all Deeks could see was blood.

Kensi's blood, his blood. A descent mixture of the two.

Luckily the crimson colors didn't stay for long though. Other memories flooded to the forefront of his mind, taking over.

Flying bullets. Car chases. Power drills. Hospital beds. Grocery lists. Nursery rhymes. Beers and burgers with his partner.

Nothing made sense. The world around him was fuzzy, yet at the same time every single image that flashed before his eyes felt vibrantly real, and he held little or no ability to distinguish fact from fiction.

"Deeks."

Sam placed a hand on his shoulder once again, lowering his head so he could examine Deeks' face, while wearing an expression that was clearly one of concern.

"Are you okay?"

Deeks swallowed hard, allowing his eyes to jump around the room as he slowly came back to reality. Sam was in front of him, and Sam was real. He knew that Sam was real.

That was just about all he knew.

Steadying out his breathing, Deeks nodded, lifting his eyes from the floor.

"I'm good."

It wasn't true- it was a total and complete lie, really. But for the most part, whenever Deeks used that phrase he wasn't actually good, so the lie didn't seem to matter.

Counting his footsteps as he went, Deeks made his way over to the reception desk. Fifteen paces in a straight line, and he was there.

He opened his mouth to ask for help, but was stopped almost instantly when he heard frantic voices approaching from around the corner.

"...Patient has gone into cardiac arrest. One GSW to the chest, directly above the appendix…"

Those two simple, yet heart-stopping sentences told Deeks enough- he didn't even care to hear the rest.

Kensi was nearby.

He spun his head around, eyes narrowing in on a woman, a beautiful woman- one he immediately recognized as his partner. She was being raced down the hall on a gurney, and three medics were practically sprinting alongside her, trying to keep up.

"Kens?" Deeks whispered, voice quiet as he rushed to her side.

Reaching out he tried to grab her hand- clearly searching for something tangible that he could hold onto, but both of her hands were already adorning IV's. The next best thing Deeks could do was hold onto one of the bed rails, his pointer finger gently tracing the skin on her palm. It was soft, still, and warm.

She wasn't gone, not yet at least.

Kensi wasn't awake or alert, so it wasn't right for Deeks to expect her to respond when he simply uttered her name. But regardless, the silence still hurt.

Yet another silver of glass working its way into his already broken heart.

"We need you to step aside, sir," one of the paramedics said firmly, glancing up at Deeks as he continued to follow them, down the hallway. Deeks' eyes just remained wide, lips pressed into a firm line as he failed to give a response.

"Sir! You need to step aside."

Deeks exhaled, his adam's apple bobbing as a doctor gravitated away from Kensi's side, raising up both hands to hold Deeks back.

"Wait out here. We'll give you updates when we can."

The man was gone in a flash.

Deeks thought about running after her, he really did. But the mere idea that he was preventing Kensi from getting the medical attention she needed kept him at bay. 'Wanting to be around her' wasn't exactly a valid excuse.

In a teary eyed stupor he was left alone, standing wearily in the wreckage of his partner's path. Swallowing, Deeks looked down to the floor, just so that he wouldn't have to watch Kensi leave again.

He knew that she might never be coming back.

All Deeks could do was inhale a deep sob and silent scream as he waited for the pain to pass. It just had to, eventually. He couldn't stay like that forever.

The hallway was eerily quiet. All he could hear was the distant beeping of respirators and the faint sound of white sneakers squeaking along the freshly bleached floors.

It was unexpected, honestly- how the silence actually hurt Deeks more than any spoken word ever could.

His eyes grew misty again and for a fleeting second, Deeks thought he was all alone. He thought it was safe to fall apart.

But then there was Sam.

"Hey... I just wanted to let you know that Hetty is on her way."

Deeks ran one hand through his hair, holding back tears tears. But as much as he tried to internalize it, the sadness was still evident in his wet eyes once he finally met Sam's gaze.

"That bad, huh?"

That was his not-so-subtle way of asking about Kensi's condition. When he'd left her at the sight of the shooting, she had been unconscious.

Unconscious, not dead.

Sam didn't feel comfortable answering Deeks' question, but instead decided that offering reassurance was probably the best thing he could do to help.

"Look, we'll just see what the doctors say, once she gets out of surgery. It could be-"

Deeks extended one hand out in front of himself, silencing Sam immediately.

"I'm gonna... take a walk."

Without a second thought Deeks rounded the corner, placing one foot in front of the other until he crossed through the automatic doors.

He tried to take a deep breath, maybe take some productive steps towards calming himself. It didn't work though- the air got caught up somewhere between his chest and mouth. Two words kept repeating over and over again in his head- cardiac arrest.

Deeks suddenly felt so at fault, he didn't even know what to do with himself. An unusually large number of what-if scenarios played out before him, but one question surpassed all others.

What if she dies... and it's all my fault?

He tried standing up straight, but leaning his back and head against the hard concrete wall was the very best Deeks could manage.

Kensi had gone into cardiac arrest in the ambulance, not when she was with him. Deeks had checked her pulse enough times to know that for certain. But regardless- a strong, unadulterated sense of guilt washed over him.

The shooter was the person responsible, of course- and the sound-minded, still relatively sane Marty Deeks knew that fact to be true.

But this man, one who was damaged, broken, hurt, upset, and madly in love all at the same time- he wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

If Kensi didn't make it, then he would have to carry that burden for the rest of his life. No doubt about it.

Deeks sunk to the ground, and quickly the shortness of breath that had been lingering nearby completely took over. Immediately, he knew what was happening inside of himself.

It was the PTSD.

Being tied up in that autobody shop with Siderov was the only time he'd ever felt such an overwhelmingly large amount of panic in his chest.

It had been different, of course- at the time Deeks was fighting for his own life rather than Kensi's.

From his view of things though, their lives were worth about the same amount. He didn't want to exist without her, as Deeks was sure that his life would hold little or no meaning if Kensi wasn't around.

But the last thing he wanted to do was get the chance to find out if that statement was actually true.

Suddenly it was like walking into the hospital all over again. Except this time around, the images in his mind were becoming increasingly vibrant with the passing time.

He saw blood, lots of it.

Trying to get rid of the violent thoughts just seemed to have a reverse affect. He only saw Kensi.

Every wink, every look, every smile, and every single hidden glance he'd snuck from across the bullpen. Just... everything.

Touche. Mutant ninja assassins. Sunshine and gunpowder. Poor communication skills. Kissing for the first time, undercover. Kissing for the second time, not undercover. 'It's the only thing that got me through.'

But the most recent, the most familiar- 'It's a love story.'

Deeks had wanted to say something more that night, he truly had. But the lack of sleep, and as a result complete and utter exhaustion he was experiencing had kept him at arms length.

Not really 'arms length' though. Their noses had been just a wink apart.

Deeks could've leaned in. Closed the gap. Kissed her with no explanation.

He wouldn't have needed one, honestly. Kensi would've known. Deeks hadn't yet told Kensi that he loved her, he'd just shown her- or at least he'd tried to.

If she was gone, then Deeks just had to hope and pray that she really did know how much he cared. There was a lingering uncertainty, one that made his heart flutter before it lurched up into his throat.

Hopefulness was the only thing keeping Deeks sane as he looked around in front of himself, inspecting his surrounds- there wasn't a soul in sight. The sun was barely beginning to set; just a crescent shaped orange sphere dropping behind the trees.

For a half a second, Deeks forgot about it all. Steadied his breathing. Watched, mystified as the clouds separated and moved slowly across the dull evening sky.

But, as quickly as the memories left him, they all came flooding back.

Bloody jackets. Kensi's voice, quiet and scared. Sirens. One hazel eye. One brown eye. Tears, lots of tears. Storytelling to keep his partner alive.

'Listen to my voice,' he'd told her, hoping that, somehow, rambling might change the outcome. That if Kensi were to focus on something for long enough, concentrate hard enough, she might make it out alive.

Deeks had to correct himself mid thought: they might make it out alive. Just as he'd told her before- one can't live without the other.

She was the one, he knew it. And it was horribly tragic that Deeks had to go through the experience of losing her to realize that he was ready to finally admit it.

He'd known for years. Verbalizing it was the tricky part.

"Mr. Deeks?"

He jumped upon hearing a familiar voice- Hetty. The ninja was standing directly beside him, and he had absolutely no clue how she'd managed to sneak up on him. Teleportation? It seemed probable, coming from her.

"Yeah?" Deeks replied simply, ruffling his already matted hair as he cleared his throat.

Understandably so, he failed to make eye contact with Hetty- his eyes were still damp . But even if they hadn't been, Deeks' swollen cheeks and sniffling nose would've given away the fact that he'd been crying. It was pretty hard to miss.

"Tell her, Mr. Deeks."

Still seated on the ground he shot his head up to look at her, eyes wide with confusion. "What are you-"

"Tell her." she stated simply with a brief nod, pausing only a short moment before continuing. "You know what I am referring to. If she makes it- tell her. You have to."

Hetty turned and strolled away without another word.

Deeks nearly voiced his confusion, but stopped himself before any sort of a question could roll off his tongue.

Blinking slowly, Deeks' gaze drifted back towards the pavement. All he could do was close his eyes and try to breathe, but the air just got caught in his chest one more. The word if was stuck on repeat in his head- everything was still up in the air.

She might make it through, she might not. He had no way of predicting what the outcome might be. But just like always- Hetty was right.

And if Kensi did make it out, alive, Deeks wouldn't hesitate to follow his boss's orders.