The Adventures of NTAG
The Cheesinator
Disclaimer: Yes, please, with fries.
One bright and shining day Nano decided to take Leah down to the dark, damp basement for a secret Cheese Tribe meeting. Nano stepped into the basement and switched the light on.
"So...what is this exactly?"
"I told you, Leah, it's the CHEESINATOR!" Nano bellowed.
"The who now?"
"It's my latest invention. It will turn everything into cheese!"
"Wow! Really?"
"Well, there's a catch. But it's a good catch! It only turns inanimate objects into cheese. Or objects, none the less."
"Sounds good to me." Leah nodded in agreement. "So, remind me again why we have this if five tons are shipped here every two hours."
"Simple. You have to cook cheese and some other junk together to get a cheese omelet, but with this baby you just set the dial for 'cheese omelet' and zap! Plus it's good news to you because you love ray guns."
"So it's basically a device for lazy people."
"Pretty much."
"Cool! So uh...why are you telling me this?"
"You're second in command for the Cheese Tribe, so I want you to witness my first experiment with it."
"Sweet! Where are the lab coats and goggles and stuff?"
"Safety's for squares! Let's just fire away."
"Alright..." Leah said discouragingly.
"First we will test...THIS CHAIR!" Nano said dramatically, cackling as she placed the piece of furniture in front of the ray gun. "Ready? 5...4...3...close enough, FIRE!" Nano shouted and slammed down the big red button. A large light appeared at the tip and grew until it shot out and stuck the chair. Nano stopped the ray gun after a few seconds.
"Eureka!" Nano yelled and flew down to pick up the newly formed cheese.
"Um...Nano? We have a situation here," Leah stated and pointed to the stained floor where the cheese used to be. Nano, as if recognizing the distinct color of the stain, bent down and licked it.
"A cheese flavored stain...?" Nano wondered.
"No, a cheese flavored stain that spreads!" Leah cried. Nano glanced down again and screamed as she realized the stain was multiplying across the floor. As the cheese made its way to the wall Nano cried, "RUN!" She and Leah swiftly carried the ray gun out of the basement and scurried up the stairs. Unfortunately the cheese beat them to the door.
"We are so busted," Leah sighed as she bowed her head.
"True that. Hey, why isn't the ray gun transformed?"
"Maybe because it's not on the floor..."
"NANO!" multiple voices from upstairs shrieked.
"Scratch that, you're busted," Leah snickered.
"Oh no, I'm not taking all the blame."
"All I did was watch."
"Exactly! You could've stopped me!"
"NANO!" The voices repeated.
"I'M COMING!" Nano yelled back.
"What did you do?" Belle shouted as soon as the two returned from the basement.
"We were testing the CHEESINATOR! downstairs but then it spread and we tried to stop it and Leah did nothing but watch!" Nano said in one breath.
"The 'Cheesinator'?" Nimras said accusingly.
"No, no. See, it's the CHEESINATOR!" Nano corrected.
"Whatever. What are we going to do now that the house is made of cheese?" Ani asked.
"Have a huge feast!"
"Nano!" Leah cried.
"What? The way I see it, when life gives you lemons, zap it into cheese," Nano said, patting her Cheesinator.
"What was that invention of yours supposed to do?" Dragonfly asked.
"I programmed it to turn everything into cheese, but..."
"EVERYTHING? Don't you think it would have been wiser to program it so it cheesinates one thing at a time?"
"...OOHHH! I GET IT!" Nano exclaimed.
"Hey! The house is made of cheese!" Moofi declared.
"We noticed," Belle sighed.
Meanwhile, upstairs, Sage was hard at work with a story.
"...And they lived happily ever after," Sage said as he wrote down the final sentence. "There! The story I've been working on all month is ready! With a grand total of 200 pages, I've finally beaten Leah's NTAG fan fiction writing record!" He turned around to get the binder for his long story. He turned around and suddenly noticed the door was now pure cheese. "What the..." Before he could react, the cheese crawled across the floor, up his desk and into all 200 pages of his story.
"Gack! What happened?" Sage cried. He dropped the binder and rushed to his story. He tore through the pages, horrified to see that there was no text—just cheese.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His voice could be heard in the guild next to NTAG. But because they knew of their insanity since day one, it didn't come as much of a surprise. Their guild's house has not exploded once. How can they stand it?
"...Leah...maybe you should go talk to him?" Luau suggested after his bloodcurdling scream.
"I'm on it," Leah nodded and headed up to Sage's room. She hopped across the cheese-tiled floor and knocked on Sage's door.
"Sage...? You okay? You alright?" Leah asked in a gentle voice.
"...Go away."
"Sage? Sage, what happened? Talk to me!"
"...I said go away."
"Sage!"
"I'm not coming out."
"Then can I come in?"
"No!"
"Don't make me go Zelda on you, young man!"
"You just got that from some T-shirt. And I'm older than you!"
"Don't make me go Zelda on you!" She repeated.
"Alright! Alright. Come in." Leah pushed the door open and stepped in.
"Wha...Where are you?"
"...What do you want?"
"Sage, where are you hiding?"
"I'd rather not..."
"GET OUT HERE!" she shrieked. In response, Sage crawled out from under the bed.
"Thank you! Now, let's...what are you wearing?" Leah asked wide-eyed. Not only did the RSM's do a number on his hair, his clothes were completely made out of cheese.
"I'm gonna kill Nano."
A girl slouched as she walked along the main hall. She went by the name Mashy for her love of mashed potatoes. She caught sight of Nano in the kitchen and ran in.
"Nano, is there anything to eat besides cheese? I'm really hungry and I'm starting to get delirious from the smell."
"Sure! We have cheesecake, cheese pizza, mozzarella sticks, cheese fries...you name it."
"Arrg...why did you even come up with a cheese ray gun? Why couldn't you make a mashed potato ray gun?"
"Number one, you said it wrong. It's called the CHEESINATOR! And two, how could you expect the cheese lord to make a MASHED POTATINATOR? It's common sense."
"Do you have any mashed potatoes at all?"
"We have...cheese-dipped potatoes..." Nano suggested.
"How about without cheese?"
"Uh...nope, all the food was altered by the CHEESINATOR!"
"Ugg...never mind then," Mashy groaned.
"It's not that bad! I mean, you're not as addicted to mashed potatoes as I am to cheese."
"Excuse me? I love mashed potatoes equally, if not more than you like cheese!"
"Oh please, Mashy. If I go 5 minutes...No, 5 seconds without cheese, I hyperventilate."
"That's just because you're a drama queen."
"Says you," Nano sneered.
Mashy thought for a second, grinned devilishly and said, "Okay, miss cheese lord, In case you haven't noticed, you haven't eaten an ounce of cheese during our conversation."
"Yeah I...Oh my god. Mashy, you're right. You know what this means?"
"You really are just a drama queen?"
"No! It means I was about to die and didn't even realize it!" Nano cried and dived into the pile of cheese.
"Oi..." Mashy sighed and walked out of the kitchen in search of some mashed potatoes.
"So...you had finished a huge story about NTAG?" Leah asked, still giggling at Sage's cheese outfit.
"Yes, and then...the cheese...it attacked!" Sage cried.
"Okay, I'm having a hard time focusing on this conversation. Do you have any normal clothes at all?"
"No, all of them had indirect contact with the floor."
"Well, you should at least have something more comfortable on...BELLE!"
"Wait, what do you need Belle for..."
"WHAT IS IT?" Belle shouted back.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY NORMAL CLOTHES TO BRING UP?"
"Could you not shout? Everyone can hear..."
"YES! WHAT DO YOU NEED THEM FOR?"
"I NEED THEM FOR SAGE! ALL OF HIS CLOTHES WERE CHEESINATED!" Leah yelled at the top of her lungs.
"Leah..." Sage said, blushing. He could hear faint but excessive laughing outside his room.
"WHAAT?"
"I NEED THEM FOR SAAAAGE! ALL OF HIS CLOTHES WERE CHEESINATED!" Leah said more slowly.
"SAGE'S CLOTHES WERE WHAT?"
"CHEESINATED!"
"SAGE'S CLOTHES WERE CHEESINATED? SO HIS CLOTHES ARE MADE OUT OF CHEESE?"
"YES! EXACTLY!"
"...OKAY! I'LL BE UP IN A SECOND!"
"Hear that, Sage? Belle's going to be up here in...Sage?" The Weewoo pondered, noticing Sage was nowhere in sight.
"Talk about being in a sticky situation." Sandy sighed. Sandy was a Faerie Zafara with the wings of a Christmas Zafara. She was in the washroom with Meep and Chris.
"Whoa...what happened to her?" Chris glared.
"Meep was washing her brain in the washroom while the house was being cheesinated." Sandy explained. The Bori's ears perked down as he looked at her cheesinated brain.
"Is this a bad thing?"
"Well, let's just say this isn't the first time a brain was forgotten in the washers."
"What?"
"...Sometimes people wonder off while their brains are being washed."
"So it's not bad?"
"Depends. Sometimes NTAGers are so insane they really don't need a brain. Let's just hope that goes for Meep."
"Uh, hello? Why are you guys acting like I'm unconscious or something? I feel fine now give me back my brain!" Meep ordered.
Chris and Sandy glanced at each other until Sandy concluded, "I had a feeling that would happen."
"Yeah, maybe not with another Neopian, but Meep is definitely insane." Chris nodded.
"Aww, thanks!" Meep said, grinning.
"How did you find Sage?" Belle asked as she stuck a bag in his room.
"It's not that hard when the window is the only exit," Leah answered, glaring at the human.
"Just don't scream personal things like that again," Sage snapped.
Leah sneered, stuck her head out the door and screamed, "LET'S CELEBRATE, EVERYONE! SAGE JUST PROPOSED TO HIS PILLOW!"
Belle giggled and added, "AND THE PILLOW SAID YES!"
"Guys!" Sage barked at them.
"Right. So Belle, what do you have for Captain Cheesepants?"
"Glad you asked." Belle grinned as she pulled out a sparkly blue skirt with slits in the sides and a matching bikini top.
"No way am I wearing that!" Sage yelled.
"Come on, Sage. This is the only available outfit in the house that isn't cheesinated," Belle reminded him.
"No! This is just some follow-up to that Belle Doll thing! I won't do it," Sage said irritably, crossing his arms. Belle and Leah glanced at each other and then back at Sage.
"Okay," Leah said, crossing her wings and bowing her head.
"Okay?" Belle asked.
After giving a quick wink to Belle, Leah said, "If you say so, human," and hopped to his pillow.
"I'm glad you see things my way," Sage replied calmly.
Leah lowered her glasses to give Belle a when-should-I-do-it expression. Belle put three fingers by her fin in response. As if counting down, she reduced the fingers one by one. Once she hit one finger, Leah immediately grabbed the pillow with her feet and rushed out of the room.
"What the...Leah! Belle!" Sage cried as Belle grabbed the clothes and followed the Weewoo out of the room. Leah and Belle roffled as they went into Belle's room.
"Wow, Belle. You're room is so...watery!" Leah exclaimed.
"Well duh."
"I expected it all to be made of cheese!"
"The Cheesinator can't affect living things, right? My whole room is inhabited by algae. The cheese then couldn't reach the walls, which is why the water is fine."
"And you didn't tell anyone?"
"Of course not, then everyone would want to come into my room. Now I believe we came here for a makeover?"
"Oh, right. Well, I have his pillow right here," Leah said, handing it to Belle.
"Let's pretty up this pillow for her wedding."
"Nano, what have you been doing?" Tdyans glared at the Shoyru.
"...Just having a little snack..." Nano responded, gulping down another piece of cheese.
"You're eating a hole in the wall of the kitchen," Tdyans corrected.
"There's no more in the fridge..."
"You ate the fridge. The kitchen is totally unfurnished. And I told you an hour ago to start on an invention to change the house back!"
"Oh...yeah...that."
"What have you come up with so far?"
"Well...I made a prototype, but that was cheesinated too so I ate it," Nano said with a nervous grin.
Tdyans slapped her forehead, pointed to the basement and ordered, "Make another one. And this time, don't eat it."
"But prototypes are so yummy delicious!"
"Nano!"
"Right..." Nano sighed and took her materials to the basement.
"And do try not to place it near anything cheese."
"I know what you mean. I was so tempted when the house turned into cheese. It looked so mouthwateringly...nice..." Nano suddenly gazed off into the ceiling of the main hall.
"PROTOTYPE! NOW!" Tdyans yelled. Nano went out of her trance and hurried to the basement.
"What were you screaming for?"
"Oh, Sage. I was just...what are you wearing?"
"Didn't you hear Belle and Leah?"
"Yeah, I...Oh. That's what they meant," Tdyans giggled. A door slam could be heard and suddenly Leah and Belle came running down the stairs.
"What have you two been doing with my pillow?" Sage said with a displeased expression.
Belle couldn't help cracking up as she unveiled the pillow. It had eyes, lips and a mustache drawn on it with magic marker. There was a long, curly red wig placed above the drawings and still had Meepits in it from when they messed up the hair.
"I call her Susiebobjoedean!" Leah announced.
"You're getting married to that thing?" Mashy joked.
"What did you do to my pillow!" Sage cried.
"We dressed up your fiancé before the wedding!" Belle giggled.
"Would you stop joking around?" Sage snapped, grabbing his pillow back.
"Why would you think we're kidding?"
"...It's a boy pillow."
There was an awkward silence until Nano busted through the basement door.
"It's finished! The DECHEESINATOR! is finished!" Nano declared.
"Good! And you didn't eat this one at all, right?" Tdyans asked.
"Nope, I was good this time. Let's fire this baby up!"
A wave of elation spread through the NTAGers as they counted down.
"3...2...1..."
"Okay, maybe nibbling on the circuitry of the ray gun wasn't a good idea."
"YA THINK?"
The entire NTAG house had completely melted, and a certain blue Shoyru was to blame.
"This has to be the hundredth time our house was destroyed," Sandy sighed.
"hundred and seventh, actually." Nano corrected. "So...since we're going to have to rebuild the house anyway...can I...?"
"Knock yourself out," Tdyans murmured. Nano cheered as she literally swam in her ocean of cheese, eating as she went.
"I meant for that to be literal, but whatever."
The End
