My Sanity Gone

Chapter 3

Sam opened the door to the motel room and closed it behind him. He dropped his bag of weapons onto the floor and looked around at his room. It was small, with two beds, a desk, a couple chairs and a sink adjoining to the bathroom.

He slowly pulled off his canvas jacket with a wince on his face. Underneath blood was staining through his white t-shirt and it stuck to his chest. His arm also had blood all over from the elbow down.

Sam walked into the bathroom and peeled off his shirt. On his toned stomach was a large gash. He lightly pressed his hand over the cut. When he pulled it away, his palm was covered in redness. This was going to be a mess to clean up.

Sam studied his arm, the gash wasn't as large or deep as the one on his chest but it was bad enough. He broke out the sewing kit on the counter. Sam opened the cover and took out the needle and thread. He placed the thread end in between his lips and he pressed down softly. The tip of his tongue ran over the edge. Then Sam raised the needle and slipped the thread end through the tiny hole. With the scissors, Sam trimmed the thread to the right length.

He looked up at the mirror. Scars from his battles were eminent all over his torso. Over Sam's pectorals a long cut stretched across. On the other side of his stomach, there was another gash that he had stitched up a few nights ago. It was healing slowly. Sam was putting his body through hell to find the trickster and he would continue to until he did. Sam didn't care for his well being anymore, all he wanted was to get Dean back. And if he could do that, then all of this would be worth it.

Sam began to stitch the new wound. He held the thread end as he pushed the needle through his skin. It took him twenty minutes to do this. Then, he started on his arm. His blood had dripped onto the floor and covered some of the counter.

Once he was finished, Sam cleaned up the mess and left the bathroom. He balled up the bloody shirt and tossed it onto his suitcase. Then Sam just sat on the bed for a long time thinking. He raised his eyes to the wall.

Several pictures were plastered up of the trickster. Sam had done his research on the bastard and found them. In every new room he stayed in, Sam pasted the photos up. To keep him reminded of his mission. But it was so much more than that. It was an compulsion. This is what Sam lived for now. Sure, he had taken a couple jobs but that was only to keep him busy. He promised Dean that he would keep fighting the war and he was. The scars on his body proved that. But he needed Dean. To be here with him. His brother was taken from him too soon and Sam wasn't going to let that go. He would do whatever it takes to get him back. Though, the only way to do that, was to find the trickster. Because of that son of a bitch, Dean was dead and so if he could kill him, the trickster could bring Dean back to life. Sam knew that for certain.

His mouth and throat were as dry as cotton. Sam swallowed and walked to his suitcase laid out on the floor. He picked out a new shirt and pulled it on. He fetched some money from his jeans pocket and left his room. Sam walked down the sidewalk to where the vending machines were to survey them.

He pressed the button for a Coke. The can slipped down into the opening for Sam to retrieve it. He cracked it open and took a sip. Suddenly the lights above him began to flicker. A gust of wind blew hard against him. Sam looked to the side with a frown. He reached around and lifted the back of his shirt where a gun was tucked into the waist of his jeans.

"I don't think you'll be needing that gun" a familiar voice said behind him.

Sam turned around sharply to see Ruby standing there, a smirk on her face.

"Ruby"

"Hey Sam, been awhile" she said.

Sam looked at her coldly "what are you doing here?"

Ruby crossed her arms over her chest "I'm here to slap some sense into that thick cranium of yours".

"What's that supposed to mean?"

The blond demon sighed "it means Sam, that you're losing sight of your job, your purpose in this world". She took a step closer to him "by obsessing over that damn trickster and killing yourself to get Dean back" She looked at him "Your brother's dead Sam, there's nothing you can do about it and if you continue on this suicidal mission you're on, it's going to kill you".

Sam squeezed the soda can tightly "you know nothing about me or what I'm doing, and you have no right to meddle in my business, just go away and never bother me again"

Ruby glared at him "Have you forgotten what I've done for you? I fixed the Colt, I've sacrificed myself time and time again and all to help you, because I believed that you could make a difference".

Sam didn't respond, he took another drink of soda. Ruby looked at him in disbelief.

"You know what? Screw you then, if you want to go and kill yourself, then do it, just give me the Colt and I'll bring it to another hunter who will help and trust me, I know just who could".

Sam narrowed his eyes "who?

"It doesn't matter, give me the Colt"

He licked his lips and smiled. Then, he started to laugh.

"What's so damn funny?" Ruby asked angrily.

A maddening look was in Sam's eyes, he reached up and rubbed his chin "Colt's gone Ruby, someone stole it".

"Excuse me? Are you saying that you were stupid enough to let the Colt out of your sight and now someone else has it?!"

Sam took a breath, he nodded "yeah, that's what I'm telling you".

Ruby clenched her fists and her eyes turned black. Sam turned back to her and stood ready. He wasn't going to back down from Ruby. Truth was, Sam didn't care about her help anymore. She couldn't save Dean. Also, she was a demon, and Sam was sick of playing her mind games.

Ruby's eyes searched his. She scowled and stepped away. Her eyes changed back to normal.

"Goodbye Sam, I hope you rot with your brother"

Ruby started to walk away, Sam stared at her back. She then turned around to look at him.

"By the way, you're never going to find the trickster"

The lights flickered again and Sam looked up. There was another gust of wind. Ruby was gone.

Sam returned to his room and slammed the door. He tipped his head back and drank the Coke until the can was empty. Soda trickled over his chin and down his shirt. His throat made sounds as he gulped it down. He then threw the can into the wall.

He gritted his teeth and instinctively covered his side. He had broken the stitches in his stomach and it was bleeding again. Fresh blood seeped through his shirt.

"Shit!"

Sam stormed into the bathroom and fumbled with the sewing kit as he opened it. He dropped the contents onto the floor. He seethed and slammed his fists down onto the counter. As he looked back up, the strands of his hair hung down into his face.

Sam took hard breaths as he stared at himself in the mirror. It was the reflection of a man who was defeated and emotionally dead inside. Someone who had gone to drastic lengths and changed into a shell of his former self.

He cried out and smashed his fist into the mirror. He hit and hit the glass like a madman. It broke and split across the sides. Shards crashed down onto the counter. Sam screamed as he ripped apart his knuckles and blood covered his fist. Finally he released.

Sam covered his face with his hands. He wasn't even supposed to be here. Everything was twisted around and his head throbbed with pain.

If only Dean were here…

Sam wiped the tears from his cheeks as he remembered.

Dean. He was doing this for Dean.

He attempted to get himself together as he looked at his hand. New cuts added to his tray of scars. Only this time, it had been self inflicted. Sam turned the light off in the bathroom not bothering to clean the bloody mess he made. All he wanted to do now was sleep it off.

His cell phone beeped from across the room. Sam sighed as he walked over to get it. He flipped it open and listened to the new voicemail.

"Sam? Bobby again, look, I'm worried about you. Just tell me you're not sitting alone somewhere, obsessing over this damn Trickster. Call me Sam, we can find it together. No one man should take something like this on alone, ya hear me? By the way, that vampire nest in Austin, hell of a job."

Sam let go of his phone and it dropped onto the floor, the blood from his hands all over it.