Fifteen years
They both simply showed up at the restaurant five years later, neither wrote to the other, they just sort of assumed the other would show. Hermione arrived first again, this time taking a booth and waiting for him, tucked in a corner so she could spy him before he found her.
"You can't hide from me, Hermione." He noticed her hair first, it was long again but softer, forming loose curls around her face, her eyes looking bright as ever, certainly not as tired as they'd been the last time. She was wearing a black dress and tall heels, her legs looked criminally good, it took seconds before he felt the arousal he knew he would; she was ageless and he felt like an old fool.
"Gods, you look handsome. I love this." She reached up to his hair, shorter and mixed with a little salt.
"Flattery will get you nowhere." Rolling her eyes, she rest her chin on one of her hands and eyed him, drinking him in.
"How have you been? I didn't see you in Munich last year." Though they'd exchanged a few letters, Severus hadn't talked to Hermione in person in five years. He'd avoided his usual conventions after realizing he was in love with Hermione and though he'd been able to temper himself, he worried seeing her dressed so delectably in her black dress would undo him.
"Well enough, Minerva is retiring this summer so I am being promoted. Any hopes I had of retirement are gone. I didn't think I would ever hold this title again. Your poor children." Her pinky rested between her lips as she laughed at him.
"Congratulations, I didn't realize she'd finally decided. Last time I spoke with her, she was still going back and forth. Filius is going to be deputy?"
"Yes, unless you finally agree to his fellowship." Her blushed showed, going all the way to her chest, at least what he could see of it. He studied her cleavage for a moment, noting that her breasts were still larger than they'd been when they were together.
"He only got it approved in February, it's not as though I have been sitting at my home with nothing else to do except consider his proposal. Draco and I pushed through four new legislative actions this quarter, not to mention my potions essay with Sergei. He knows I will let him know by June."
"First, potions with Sergei? I thought you weren't brewing with him any longer." The wine came, they had the same waitress which was odd for that restaurant. He loved to watch her hands turn around her glass, before watching it tilt to her mouth, and the wine darken her lips.
"We had a falling out when I refused to move to Bulgaria, but he knows why I can't now and it's fine. We are working a cure for dragon pox, what killed Harry's grandparents, anyway, we have some preliminary findings, would you like to read over it?" She reached into her bag and pulled out a huge folder, their fingers touched during the exchange, and Hermione smiled at him, looking innocent like she had the first time he'd kissed her.
"I can give it a once over, later of course. Now, Draco?"
"You're getting straight into, aren't you." Hermione took another swig of wine and reached across for his hand, putting hers palm up.
"Well, Astoria died and he's completely distraught, you must visit him. Narcissa and Lucius have no idea what to do with him." 'Narcissa and Lucius' he thought, since when was Hermione on a first name basis with the Malfoys?
"How recently?"
"Last week, he's on leave indefinitely. Scorpius stayed with me until yesterday, he's completely devastated and Rose tried her best to make him feel welcome, I think he wanted a mother around." She still hadn't released his hand, finding some small comfort in the simple action, he could tell.
"I'm surprised Lucius didn't owl me, we haven't spoken much as of late, but this is something I should've known. He's my godson." The waitress came, they ordered the same, this time neither saying much for a while, Severus did not comment about the olives nor Hermione stealing his calamari. Instead, he simply watched her eat and wondered if she was as content as she seemed, her shoulders back instead of sloppy, her eyes meeting his in temerity.
Finally, she broke the void. "I would hate myself if I didn't ask, have you been seeing anyone?" Severus rolled his eyes, of course she would ask, she asked every letter and every time they met. But, he could barely look at another woman without finding himself longing for her.
"No, not even for one night stands or casual sex, as you put it last time. My favorite mistress got married and I've been reluctant to seek someone new, knowing especially that McGonagall would be stepping down." She finished her salad, a little too happily, he thought as she finished her wine and asked for a guinness, surprising him.
"I've been spending time in Dublin, more guinness than wine." She said, responding to his raised eyebrow.
"What about you, how are things in the Granger- Weasley household?" Her guinness arrived and she drank fast, the foam tickling her nose, but she wiped it away before he could make fun of her.
"It's just a Granger household these days. We divorced quietly last year, he's dating Lavender Brown again and if he gets this one pregnant too, they'll be married before the year is out." He heard some spite in her voice but also relief. His tried to temper his own reaction, she was free, perhaps.
"So you aren't seeing anyone, how unlike you."
"I didn't say that, you are making assumptions." Another large gulp, this time he saw a necklace resting on her collarbone and a tan line where her wedding ring had been.
"I won't pry, especially since we've already skirted enough drama." His wine was refilled as he finished his calamari, his hands folded in front of him, slightly annoyed at her teasing.
"I'm not seeing anyone, it's easy to rile you up sometimes, you know. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous for a moment there."
"As though you aren't, asking me who I'm sleeping with every time, despondent that it isn't you." Smoothing her hair over her shoulders, Hermione felt the sting of his honesty.
"I didn't walk away from you, remember, my jealousy is far more justified." He tipped his head to her point, watching her take another large drink of her guinness and then move her bag over to her left side. "I'm going to put my foot up, do you mind? I fell at work the other day and it swells a bit in the evening." He unclasped her heel and removed it, eyeing her ankle and casting a quick spell.
"Can you not heal your own ailments, brightest witch of your age, please."
"I cast the same spell, you plonker, but I'm having some residual problems and I haven't had time to go to St. Mungos. I planned to go after lunch today." He turned her ankle between his hands and then tested the range of her tendons, bending her foot many ways before casting another spell.
"That would be wise, and not wearing these heels would be advisable."
"I wanted to feel pretty, can you blame me?" Her foot rested against his right thigh, it was an intimacy she hadn't considered when she first put it on the seat of the booth.
"Pretty? Gods, you sound like a teenager."
"I'm thirty-five, Severus, with two kids and a divorce, I'm not exactly pushing men away, you know."
"When will you learn that your self-worth isn't tied to a man nor to your attractiveness? You are a beautiful woman with a brilliant mind and that, alone, is enough." He could see her anger rising, her pondering his words, but he meant them. Why couldn't she be content to be alone?
"I want more and I always will. I do not find my self-worth in such trivial things, I can want to feel pretty and still kick ass, you know. I just wanted…" But she stopped. He wanted her to continue, but their entrees arrived and a second guinness for her. For a moment, she simply looked at the her dinner, eggplant parmesan that she had once every five years or so. Severus tried not to stare at her, but he found it odd that she had yet to touch her food, even to lift her fork to steal his newly cut pizza. Abruptly, she pulled her shoe back on and stood, walking to the washroom and leaving him to watch her walk, her legs looking ridiculously long. His wine was refilled while she was gone but he couldn't help but think of her, feeling slightly guilty for dismissing her feelings. When she returned, he could see she was upset, her eyes slightly puffy and red, had he made her cry?
"Hermione?" She cut into her eggplant and ate a bite.
"Severus?" The cold look she gave him made him wish he'd never brought it up, though she needed to hear the words, he could've chosen a better avenue to express them and certainly not when she was dealing with a death and divorce. She tipped her guinness back and drank, refusing to meet his eye again.
"What are you really upset about? It cannot simply be my words, you've heard worse from me."
"Yes, I have and often, but it's been years since then and sometimes I forget just how acerbic you can be sometimes, even if you find justification in what you are saying."
"I won't apologize for the words, but you're right, my tone was not flattering." It was Hermione's turn to look surprised.
"You would never apologize, Severus. And that's fine, that's who you are and I've come to know that. I will not express my frustrations regarding my nonexistent sex life, because you may have accepted defeat but I have not. I go to work each day with damn sexy men whom I cannot even fantasize about without feeling guilty and my ex-husband fucked the other half of Britain, and just when I think I am finally free, I can finally be Hermione Granger again, I am reminded that all I will ever be to most men is a walking textbook who can be relied upon to file paperwork and pass legislation, but gods forbid anyone treat me like an actual human being instead of a brain that happens to talk. For once in my life, it would be nice to be viewed as a woman, an actual woman with feelings and desires that matter more than my work. I've been appreciated for my smarts, but no man I've ever loved has looked at me and thought, wow, I'm lucky to have this beautiful woman...and I get that this is backwards, I should want a man who accepts and adores that I brew potions for fun and create charms in my spare time, but that has obviously not worked in my favor. You'd think I had some bloody pox myself. Am I really that intimidating?" Severus had been completely still and silent while she ranted, his knife and fork cradled in his hands.
"The most intimidating woman I've ever known." He finally said, reaching across the table to her dinner and taking some, since she hadn't offered any and sliding a few pieces of his pizza on her plate.
"You're telling me that Mr. Weasley…"
"He once told me that he couldn't understand what attracted him to me in the first place, I was just sort of there. It's why I cut my hair, really, he made jokes about me being unattractive and when I cut it, he suddenly saw me differently, but it was too late. I don't care if Lavender cuts his dick off, there's almost nothing she could do to him to make me remorseful." It was his turn to fold his arms across his chest and size her up, a little angry that he'd been lumped into the same mess as Ronald Weasley.
"I told you many times I believed you were beautiful."
"You did not, not once, except a few moments ago. And hearing it from you now does me no good."
"Why is that?" She'd pushed him into a defense mode, forcing him to regret his earlier sympathy.
"Because it doesn't, it's not as though you're suddenly going to decide after fifteen years that you're hopelessly in love with me. As my friend, I appreciate the sentiment, but honestly, Severus…" But he'd uncrossed his arms and reached for her hands, causing her to stop talking.
"I never said I didn't love you, Hermione, you decided for yourself that I didn't share your feelings."
"Who would leave someone they loved? Who would willingly walk away from someone so devoted to you that nothing could part you? Severus, why are you telling me this, it makes it all so much worse?" She immediately let go of his hands and grabbed her bag, leaving the restaurant and apparating away, leaving Severus at the table completely gobsmacked. He shouldn't have told her, at least not until she'd calmed down. Leaving money on the table, he walked out of the restaurant and looked both ways, but he knew she was gone. Although he knew where she stayed in Edinburgh when she came to visit, he didn't feel completely comfortable apparating into her private residence while she was so visibly upset. So he turned towards his flat, reminding himself to owl Lucius and Draco, unable to shake the deplorable state Hermione had been in when she left.
As he turned the corner to his flat, he was surprised to see her sitting on the stoop, crying.
"I shouldn't have left that way, I'm an adult, but why did you say that to me."
"I am a selfish man, Hermione. When you were twenty years old, looking up to me, idolizing me, it was too much pressure. I didn't want to hold you back or make decisions that would forever alter what you were meant to do with your life, and it was selfish and self-preservation. Of course I loved you, I love you. You're the most constant thing in my life now aside from Hogwarts." He sat next to her on the stoop and put his arm around her shoulder, and handing her his handkerchief.
"You didn't take into consideration that I would do whatever I wanted to be successful? Or that my heart would mature beyond my 'idolization' of you? What does it matter now. Thanks for this, I'm going to drown my sorrows, goodbye, Severus." She shoved him off and handed back his handkerchief, using her wand to flatten her shoes and started walking to the apparition point on his block, near an alley. He had no idea if he should follow her, part of him wanted nothing more than to take her into his flat and revisit old memories of her glorious body. Instead, he lit a cigarette and continued to watch her, why couldn't he just call out to her or follow her? It was as though his feet were locked in place, squarely on the stones of his stoop.
"Just go after her." He said aloud, his cigarette burning, the smoke wafting in his face. He turned and saw her, standing at the end of his street, looking at him, her tears, her sadness enveloped him from so far away. As she began to turn down the alley, he stood quickly.
"Hermione! Wait!" He yelled, and she turned, a hand resting softly on her hip as she did. What was he thinking? She had two kids and a terrible ex-husband, she came with more baggage than she'd left, but he couldn't let her walk away again. When they met half-way, Severus reached for her hands.
"I cannot promise anything, I won't promise anything, but Hermione, I'm tired of fighting this." He couldn't read her face beyond the sadness, she kept her eyes down on the cobblestones and their feet, unable to look at him.
"I don't know if that is good enough for me, Severus." She let go of him, finally meeting his eyes and he saw fifteen years of hurt in them, the sudden realization that he did love her, that he had always loved her. "But I would like some tea, would that be okay?" He nodded and they walked awkwardly back to his flat, the door opening as they walked through. It was all the same as she remembered, except far cleaner. He made the tea and brought her a cup, eyeing her from across the room in his leather chair, lighting another cigarette.
"Can I have one?" He offered her one, lighting it from his own. She'd never smoked in front of him before, at least not that he could recall. Tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other, Hermione made a pretty picture, her shoes tossed off and toes stretched out on his threadbare carpet.
"How often do you get here?" She asked, noting that everything seemed recently touched.
"At least once a month and more during breaks. Not like you remember it?"
"Not so different, little things." He wondered how long it would be before she delved back into headier topics, but she didn't. She smoked and threw the refuse in the fire, finished her tea and gave him a kiss on the cheek, grabbing her bag.
"You can keep the proposal, I have several copies, but if you have any notes or suggestions, I'll be around Hogwarts before the end of the month or you can owl me." The hand that had been resting on his arm was swiftly gone. Did she really mean to leave?
"Hermione, stay, surely you have things to say." He wouldn't beg, but he did want to assure himself that he'd tried.
"What's the point, Severus? I want more, I will always want more." He'd at least convinced her to stop, even if she hadn't yet returned to the couch.
"I'm not saying no, Hermione, but there's more to consider now, you have children and a public job, I'm going to be the headmaster at Hogwarts."
"You always make things so difficult. If you had actually talked to me fifteen years ago, we could've avoided all these years of heartache and longing, but instead you charged head on and did exactly what you wanted. Right now, I want to lie down and forget everything you've said to me, because now, all I can think is that I've made a mess of things that I thought were settled. I…" She paused, her arms folded across her chest as she stood, unfolding them and pulling her close, whispering in her ear, "I'm sorry I hurt you, I shall endeavor to avoid hurting you again." His hands cradled her face, as his lips met hers. "Stay, you can rest, I'll sleep down here." She nodded and climbed his stairs, finding his room exactly the same aside from a new wardrobe. Unzipping her dress, she found one of his flannel shirts and buttoned it up, noticing him at the door, her only in her knickers and his shirt.
"You don't have to sleep downstairs." She motioned him to the bed, throwing his covers back and taking her old side of the bed, watching him disrobe, the buttons coming apart effortlessly as his adept fingers moved them. Taking another flannel from the wardrobe, Hermione had deja vu, so many nights she'd watched him change into nightclothes, waiting for him to ravage her.
"It's hardly seven o'clock, are you really going to sleep?" Hermione asked, smiling at him, wishing things weren't so complicated.
"It's been a long week and I have class tomorrow. Minerva will come looking for me if I don't go back to the castle before eight tomorrow." Severus was lying flat back on his back, staring at the velvet of his four poster bed instead of the woman next to him, swallowed by his nightshirt and wearing the sexiest knickers he'd seen in years.
"I'd like to see you again soon." He said, turning to her, finding her lying on her side, watching him intently.
"I am free on Sunday, I can come to Hogwarts if that's agreeable."
"Agreed, noon? I'm sure Filius and Minerva will want to see you as well." His free hand rested on hers in the small space between them, then moved to her hair, pushing it behind her ear and shoulder, he wanted to see her eyes more clearly.
"Goodnight, Severus." Hermione bridged the gap and kissed him, turning away from him and letting herself fall further into the mattress. Severus knew he wouldn't fall asleep for hours, but he liked the feel of her next to him, even if she was sleeping on the edge of the bed. A few times he was sure he heard her crying, but he didn't reach for her at first, instead he tried to imagine how she must be feeling, which didn't help him much. When he was sure she had calmed, he put his hand on her shoulder, which she gently grabbed, pulling him closer and herself closer as well, until both of his arms were around her. He finally fell asleep moments later, completely enveloping Hermione.
