Hey loves! Thanks for reading! I hope you don't mind that I didn't go into detail in the rape scene, I feel like that's not my place to write about having never experienced anything even remotely related to that. I also hope that the bit of fluff I gave you tided you over through the painful stuff! More fluff in the future, I promise. Drop a review, favorite, or follow? Anything is appreciated. Come talk to me on tumblr! helplessandnotsatisfied. Would love to hear from some readers! xoxo- Emily
For a while, things slowed down. Alex was incredibly careful and did anything he could to stay on James's good side and it worked. Sometimes there would be new bruises, but in general they were better and Alex had gotten used to them. He knew when they were coming, he knew when he was misbehaving, and he just needed to work on his attitude. At least, that's what James said.
One day, Herc and Laf decided they needed a date night with just the two of them. Usually they hung out with both Alex and John when they were together, and they felt that they just needed some alone time, which was totally justified. So, after their meeting with The Council, the foursome split ways, and Alex and John were along for once in a really long time.
It was a nice day out, high forties instead of low twenties in temperature, so they decided to take a walk to a little park by Alex's house where he could quickly run home if called by James. They made awkward small talk when it was clear there was something heavier between them.
Carefully, John approached the subject. "Alex, what are we doing?"
Confused, Alex responded, "We're sitting on a park bench, watching those ducks over there."
"C'mon, you know what I meant," John responded, exasperated. Alex looked at his hands as John stared at him with such care and meaningful intent. John had been out and proud for a while, as well as the rest of their little group. Alex, on the other hand, wasn't. He knew that he had feelings for John, but he felt like if he admitted it out loud, the world think he was even more screwed up than he already was. He wanted to be with John, he wanted to feel his lips on his but yet at the same time he was terrified about what that might bring. He knew John wanted more and he knew he didn't deserve John. There were so many things he knew; yet there he was, not knowing what would come next.
"I don't know what we're doing," Alex whispered. He hated not being in control. John sat there as the silence filled the air like a thick fog. He didn't want to push Alex, but there needed to be something more between them than a heavy romantic and slightly sexual tension. He knew it was a bit soon to be labeled as being in a relationship like Laf and Herc; he didn't want Alex to be uncomfortable.
Hoping to at least drag something out of him, John placed a light kiss on his lips, knowing that his kiss would say more than any combination of words he could come up with. Alex was the one who had a way with words, not him.
"I love you, John," Alex whispered, his eyes still closed from the lingering kiss. John felt a small smile creep onto his lips but it quickly went away. He didn't want to start a fight, but he knew there were things he needed to say that wouldn't go away if he didn't say them soon.
"Then why don't you ever say it?" Alex's smile immediately turned into a frown. Everyone always questioned him, and now John was doing it too. Alex couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"John," he whispered, shocked. "I don't understand."
"I want to be with you, Alexander," John pleaded.
"John, we've talked about this. I don't want to drag you into my life, I don't want you to feel obligated…"
"But Alex, I don't feel obligated! I want to be with you. I love you." In response, Alex's wandering eyes finally locked with John's as he dove in for another kiss.
Eventually, Alex was the one who pulled away. "Are we really doing this?" He asked with worried, wandering eyes.
John smirked, grabbed Alex's hand and said, "Yeah, I think we are." For a moment, there was a connection between the two of them that was unmistakable. It wasn't often that the both of them were happy at the same time. They fed of one another's energy whether it was good or bad. It's like they were one person sometimes, fighting the world while fighting to be together.
Alex accidentally glanced at his watch and almost screamed when he saw the numbers blinking back at him; 5:27. He had to be home in three minutes, or James was going to kill him. He might have not screamed, but he did yell pretty fucking loud. "Shit! I've gotta go!"
Surprised at Alex's actions, John checked his watch and started running alongside him, but then grabbed hus hand and quickened their pace when he realized how late Alex might be. He knew not to stop him, even though he wanted to be with him longer. James was an asshole. If Alex was even a minute late into the house, things could go from bad to worse, if that was even possible. He wanted to keep him there with him, and hold him, kiss him, and tell him everything would be okay. He wanted- no, he needed- to help his boyfriend. His boyfriend! But he couldn't; he had to stand by and watch in order to fall in line with Alex's wishes.
With John dragging him along by the hand, the two managed to make it back to the house when the watch was blinking 5:29. Alex always thought John should have run track or something. He almost ran into the house without saying goodbye, but John pulled him back into a long, meaningful kiss before watching him go. With one last glance, he was through the door, leaving John behind knowing that tomorrow his boyfriend would be there waiting for him.
Tentitively Alex stepped through the doorway where he saw James standing by the window with his clasped behind his back. When he talked, he didn't look at Alex, he just kept staring out that goddamned window. "You just made it," he said with a blank expression on his face.
"Yeah I guess I cut it a little close," Alex said with a nervous chuckle.
"I saw you out there with your friend." Alex drew in a breath. "Although you two don't seem to be just friends." The bite at the end of James's voice made Alex so nervous, his hands began to shake.
"I-I didn't know you were watching," Alex stuttered. He didn't know what else to say. James had seen them kissing. He could feel every little bit of praise for good behavior he had worked for going down the drain, all because of one stupid kiss in his driveway. He had just been learning to stay out of trouble.
"No shit," James spat. "So you into boys, runt?"
"Um, I don't know. I guess," Alex murmured. He thought about how he was really into girls and guys, most likely, but he didn't want to dig a bigger hole for himself. Plus, he was not about to explain bisexuality to his close-minded, idiot cousin.
Finally, James turned around and looked the boy straight in the eye. Suddenly, Alex couldn't breathe. The fact that James still had a calm, unreadable expression terrified him. "You make him happy?"
Alex had to think about his answer, because he truly didn't know. He assumed he made John happy. He hoped he made John happy. So, his answer became, "I guess."
"Why can't you make me happy, Alex?" He breathed, taking a step closer to Alex, who was basically pinned against the wall by the door.
"What?" Alex questioned. The wild look that appeared in James's eye made him look to the ground out of fear and shame. Once again, he took a step toward him.
"Fuck me, Alex," he whispered, stepping so close to him that Alex barely had any room to breathe.
"What?" Alex asked again, his mouth parted in pure shock.
James placed a hand on his neck and leaned into his ear, "Fuck me."
The next morning, Alex woke up in an unfamiliar bed and in an unfamiliar room. He was alone, but the sheets next to him were undone. His few moments of innocent bliss were gone almost as soon as he opened his eyes. His memory flooded in and he wished he could be asleep again or forget what happened- what he did- last night. Slowly, he sat up and rubbed his eyes, noticing for the first time that he was undressed completely. He felt strangely sore, though he imagined that's how most people felt after they did what he had done.
He also felt guilty, like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders. He didn't ever deserve John, but he sure as hell didn't now. His first time wasn't with him- it was with James and now he felt mortified and dirty. He didn't even like it, maybe because he didn't want to do it in the first place.
As he got dressed, he stared at himself in the mirror and didn't like what he saw. The bruises on his face and neck were fading, but there were new marks on his body. Two deep purple marks laced his neck while three ran up and down his side. When he realized they didn't hurt, he knew that they weren't bruises. For claiming to hate Alex, James sure did seem to like the taste of every piece of him. How would he ever explain them to John? He certainly wasn't about to tell him about what James did to him because then John would insist on going to the Washington's and taking him out of his home. Neither option seemed very good, but he would take a family member taking advantage of him over a stranger's apartment any day.
Alex put on his clothes from yesterday and then quietly made his way into his own room. He couldn't cover the marks with a scarf this time because that would be too obvious. If his mom was still alive, he might have taken some of her makeup, but she wasn't. If she were, he probably wouldn't have any marks to cover. He didn't want it to have to come to this, but he needed some help and that help couldn't come from John, Laf, or Herc. He needed to text Eliza.
Alex: Hey 'liza, you up?
Eliza: Yeah, I'm up! What's up Alex? Haven't heard from you in awhile.
Her texts were always so proper. She sent them like they were little emails.
Alex: Sorry about that. Could you do me a favor?
Eliza: Of course! Anything!
Alex: I need some foundation or cover-up or something like that. But you can't ask why, ok?
Eliza: Alex…
Alex: Eliza, please.
Eliza: Okay, but I don't like it.
Alex: Meet me in the courtyard in fifteen. And don't bring Seabury.
Eliza: Wouldn't dream of it.
Alex sighed, thank god for Eliza. She was so sweet and kind and her boyfriend was a fucking dick and she knew it. As a preventative measure, he popped up is collar so the marks weren't in broad daylight. Then, he grabbed his bag and carefully went down stairs, hoping that James wouldn't be there waiting for him.
Thankfully, he wasn't. But, there was a note left for him on the counter. "Alex- Curfew up to 6:30 tonight. Don't be late. –James." Alex stood there with the scrap of paper in his hand, shocked at what he just read.
This meant that James was happy because of what Alex did to him last night. Alex was digusted and ashamed, but if it meant improving his home life, maybe he could let James do whatever he wanted to him without question or struggle. He just had to keep making James happy and then all of his problems would go away. Maybe this would fix him.
He stuffed the note in his pocket and began his cold, brisk walk to the school. It was getting colder by the day because it was nearly Christmas. His mom loved Christmas. She always insisted on showering him with gifts that were too expensive for their budget. She said he deserved everything, but she was wrong, he deserved nothing, especially after he let her die.
When he got to the school, Eliza was already standing in the center of the courtyard with her hands in her pockets of her magenta pea coat. She waved him over as if she was impossible to spot in a crowd with her eyes as wide and bright as a deer's.
"Alex!" She exclaimed with a grin on her face. "I've got the-"
He cut her off by pulling her to the side by her arm. "Not so loud" he whispered. "Just put in my pocket." Eliza eyes that were filled with childlike wonder before became filled with worry. But, she did what she was told. "Thank you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh," He continued.
"It's okay. If anything, I'm sorry," Eliza said with a half smile. She was always apologizing for things that weren't her fault. "I'm not going to push, Alex, but I hope things are okay."
He put his hand on her arm, hoping to give her some reassurance and comfort. "Things are okay. I promise." She nodded, gazing into Alex's eyes for a moment. He had such, bright, blue and beautiful eyes. She was having trouble looking away until her phone began to ring in her pocket.
"Oh!" She exclaimed. "That's Sam, I should, um."
"You should go," Alex finished. She started to jog toward the front doors of the school when a thought that had been bugging her made her turn around and face Alex.
"I'm sorry about Sam hitting you, he shouldn't have done that. I'll try to talk some sense into him, but you know how he can be." She looked disappointed and vaguely trapped. Her phone rang again and she glanced to her pocket with a look of distress.
"It's okay. You really should go, Eliza," he grimaced. He hated to see her so nervous. Without a word, she ran inside and into the heat where Sam was waiting for her most impatiently.
Trying to shake thoughts of Eliza out of his brain, Alex went around the school and into a different entrance as to not run into Seabury or the rest of his crew. He then went into the bathrrom and began the painful process of staring at his marks once again and trying to cover them up without anyone noticing. He had a feeling that this wouldn't be the only time he had to stand in front of the cracked glass of the school mirror on the other side of the school from his friends. He hated secrets, but he hated people staring and asking questions more.
