Chapter Three

"'Lo Remus. Have a good five hour bath?"

"I know that was sarcasm, but yes. I…sorry Sirius. I know you pretty much gave up your Christmas for me. I just wanted a little time to myself." Remus sat down on his bed, pushing the crackers out of the way.

Sirius waved his hand. "S'okay. I guess I get a little clingy without James around."

Remus laughed and made a pinching motion in the air. "Just a bit."

Sirius smiled, looking a bit embarrassed. "Well anyway, I didn't give up my Christmas, because I'm having a perfectly good Christmas with you." He sat down next to Remus on his bed.

"Mm, other than Snape staring at me all through dinner, it has been rather nice. My presents weren't even that bad."

"We tried harder this year," Sirius said defensively.

The first year they'd known each other they hadn't bothered with presents, but by second year Remus, Sirius, James and Peter were good enough friends to attempt it. Peter was easy enough to shop for; something run of the mill from Zonko's or anything from Honeydukes and he was satisfied. Sirius and James could sometimes be satisfied with Zonko's tricks, but they preferred gifts that could be used as base material for their own inventions. Lately James had taken a shine to Muggle things he'd never known about, so he could sneak them into conversation to try and impress Lily Evans. Remus had gotten him a stack of magazines about Muggle musicians he knew for a fact Evans liked, and was expecting heavy praise when James got back to school.

Shopping for Remus though, was harder than the others. Since he was always reading, the others had initially tried getting him books. Then they'd learned that bookworms had particular tastes, and they didn't know what Remus' happened to be (they learned that schoolbooks were not in fact his taste, though he did read them). Peter gave Remus things he himself liked, so that he directly benefited when Remus shared the boxes of pastries and candies around. James stuck it out with books, and had this year given him a helpfully modified book on potions making that might actually help him survive Slughorn. Sirius had done him one better and gotten a book by Remus' favorite author.

"The effort was worth it," Remus said softly. "I didn't think anyone'd notice I like Lon Lemuria."

"You've always got three or four of his books in your trunk, and that's space that could be taken up by schoolbooks so I figured that had to count for something," Sirius said, looking very proud of his own cleverness.

"I wasn't sure about your present at all," Remus said hesitantly. He'd gotten Sirius a few volumes of Muggle comic books by an artist named Robert Crumb, whom he'd heard some of his neighbors talking about over the summer holiday. Remus spent the brunt of his time away from school among Muggles, as they were less likely to be suspicious one of their acquaintances was a werewolf. As James and Sirius were purebloods, they had little to no acquaintance with Muggle culture, and therefore found some of the things Remus showed them very amusing.

"Well I like the book. It's interesting. Really rude, and sexual, and that's exactly my cup of tea," Sirius said with a grin. "I think Prongs'll get a kick out of it too."

"I think that's a safe bet," Remus agreed. His eyes were downcast again, and he was radiating discomfort. Sirius was sitting very close to him; their hands were almost touching. Remus thought again about how different things felt between them when the others weren't around…was he imagining it? Last year he'd thought there was something more than friendship between them, but when the others came back from holiday he'd quickly dismissed it as wishful thinking.

Should he take Sirius' hand? He was just about to reach for it when Sirius suddenly shot up off the bed and went to pick up the book James had given Remus.

"Why are you still in Potions anyway?" Sirius asked as he rifled through the book. "I didn't think you liked it." Indeed, for most of their first five years of school, Remus had complained about the subject and expressed a longing for sixth year, when he'd be able to drop it. Peter had happily ditched the class, not being much better than Remus at potion making.

"I don't like it," Remus said. "I just…it's useful, isn't it?"

"Is it? I'm only taking it because I thought it'd be kind of cool to be an auror, but now I'm not so sure. I think that's why Prongs kept going too. Well, that and to further stalk the talented Miss Evans."

"Well, all the current research on treatments for my 'furry little problem' seem to involve potions. I'm going to have to figure out how to make them without blowing up my cauldron someday."

"Is that why Slughorn let you keep going even without an OWL?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Snivellus loved that, let me tell you. I think he thought he was finally going to be rid of us in his favorite class, and then three out of four kept going."

"Honestly, Severus has no right to complain. He's already fantastic at brewing potions, and I make him look gloriously more talented in comparison," Remus said bitterly. "It's too bad I can't get friendly with him. If there really is a breakthrough treating werewolfism with some kind of potion, if we were friends I could just ask him to make it for me."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Remus, promise me right now that you will never drink anything brewed by Severus Snape. I wouldn't put it past that greasy little asshole to poison you."

"I know that. That's why it was a hypothetical wish."

"Sides, Prongs and I can brew potions for you. And who knows, if he ever does manage to impress Evans, maybe she could lend a hand."

"Right!" Remus laughed, Sirius joining in. "I'd say at this point that James has about as much chance with Evans as I've got with…"

"As you've got with…?" Sirius asked, laughter abruptly ceasing in both teens.

Remus had turned bright red. "Er, nevermind."

"Oh come on, you've got a crush too! Who on? Remus, we've endured three years of moaning and griping from James about Lily Evans. It'd be nice to mix things up a bit and hear about some other unrequited love."

"Well then ask Peter. He's got a new unrequited passionate love every other week."

"I'd have to care about Wormtail's woes for that to work, now wouldn't I?" Sirius asked. He tossed the book aside and plopped back onto the bed. "Come on…please-please-please? Who do you think you haven't got a chance with? I won't tell."

It suddenly occurred to Remus that the potentially humiliating situation might actually be turned to his advantage. He wasn't planning on telling Sirius who he actually fancied, but he could test out the waters…find out what Sirius thought about boys who fancied boys, anyway.

"You promise you won't tell?" Remus asked.

"Course I do. I already said so, didn't I?"

"Not even James or Peter?"

Sirius frowned. "Well…I didn't think they really counted, but if you're that embarrassed then yeah, I can keep quiet from the others. You have my word."

"Alright." He thought quickly through all the boys in their year for who he could conceivably have crushed on had he never met Sirius Black. He really couldn't think of anyone, actually, and if he took too long Sirius would get suspicious. Best just say anyone who wasn't revolting. "James. I…I like James."

Sirius' eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up. It looked like he might have been less surprised if Remus had said he fancied professor Slughorn. "Y-you like James?" He repeated. His voice sounded funny, almost like a pale imitation of itself. "Our James?"

"Yeah. I like Prongs. So obviously I can't tell anyone. I mean, I mean he's a boy and I'm a boy and, well, I mean obviously he's not like me. He likes Evans, so…so yeah."

"I, uh, didn't realize you liked blokes," Sirius said, still sounding uncomfortable.

Remus felt a bit defensive. "It's not a problem, is it? You're not going to tell?"

"Remus, it's absolutely nothing compared to finding out you were a werewolf. I just didn't know. Feels like I should have noticed it somehow. Anyway, you're right, Prongs obviously doesn't like boys, so we should keep this quiet. I won't tell anyone, I promise."


Sirius had a horrible time trying to sleep that night. He kept angrily tossing about, trying to get comfortable, but his discomfort had nothing to do with his pillow or bed and everything to do with an angry ache in his chest.

So Remus liked his best friend. It wasn't a big deal. He really didn't need to be jealous of James, since Remus would never tell him and James would never like him back.

But whenever Sirius closed his eyes, those highly rational thoughts fled his head, and he couldn't stop imagining James and Remus sitting together, lightly touching each other's arms, trading smiles, sneaking a quick kiss when they'd think no one would see…and once that got him good and irritated he thought about all the other things he wanted to do with Remus that James now had the chance to (though he was too stupidly fixated on Evans to know what he was missing).

How had this happened? Why did Remus like James and not him? Was James better looking? No, that can't have been it. Sirius and James were both popular, but Sirius was the one who had to hide in the loo all day on Valentine's Day. Sirius was the one who'd once been tackled by a seventh year and almost forced to swallow love potion before James and Remus had pried the insane girl off of him. Subtle things like that let Sirius know he was good looking. And besides, Remus wasn't the shallow sort. He wouldn't care just about looks.

There had to be something James did for him that none of the others did, but what? With a sinking feeling, Sirius realized that becoming illegal animagi had been James' idea, and they all knew that easing the pain of his transformations had meant the world to Remus. That was probably when the crush started, and even though Sirius had done at least as much work on figuring out the transformation as James had, and even though he'd become a dog so he'd be the best company he could for a werewolf, obviously the initial idea meant more.

Now truly convinced that he'd failed, that there was no way Remus would ever like him as much as he liked James, Sirius admitted defeat on sleep as well and got out of bed. He got dressed and went to get the cloak and the map out of his trunk. Maybe a little early morning wandering would make him feel better.

He paused by the open hangings of Remus' four poster before he left and gazed down at his friend. He thought of the morning after the transformation, when they'd napped together in the same bed and how wonderful it had felt. Maybe he'd still get to sneak in a few cuddles here and there if he was lucky. He'd take whatever Remus would let him have.

Sirius left the tower, pulled on the cloak, and started off for Hogsmeade, thinking he may as well console himself with some butterbeer and half-hearted flirting with the barmaid at the Three Broomsticks.