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A Kinky-Witch Production Presents:

How to Use Handcuffs for Dummies

Chapter Three

"Handcuff tip #3: Make sure when you put them on, you know where the key is."


He wasn't getting laid.

He had known it from the very beginning. Well, his mind had, whereas 'it' had chosen to stay in complete denial. In any case, conclusions were still the same and he wasn't getting any. Which sucked to epic extremes because seriously, what was life without getting laid on a consistent and frequent basis? Didn't chick dig the whole guy-in-uniform thing?

Bah, he didn't really like the girl, the violet-eyed lieutenant thought to himself. His partner was older than him – sexy still – with those ruby eyes of hers, but a total pain in the neck. In honesty, rejection wasn't so hard to digest. There were plenty of women to fool around with. Plenty of women who wanted him. And if there was something to be upset about, it would be the hundreds of police reports he had written when it really was her job.

Ungrateful bitch.

Stepping inside the elevator, Miroku let out a loud sigh and decided to stop thinking about work and annoying partners who refused to have some innocent cuddly time with him. He pressed the fifth floor button and waited.

He hoped Inuyasha had already bought some dinner to feast on.

...Little did he know what his best friend was actually getting a taste of.

Miroku reached the apartment door, whistling and humming, his good mood finally returning to full force. He had rented a few movies the day before and there were still some he hadn't watched yet.

He really hoped Inuyasha had bought something to eat. Potato chips, popcorns, peanut butter and cookies or whatever... He needed a snack of some sort. He was craving something…crunchy.

As soon as he was inside, the police officer panicked. They had been robbed! They had to have been, there was such a mess in the hallway—someone had definitely caused chaos, kicked down small pieces of furniture...and there were clothes everywhere! Discarded pants... They had been looking for money, as always, those suckers. There was even a bra. They were probably searching... Wait.

Since when did Inuyasha wear women's lingerie?

They might have not been robbed then.

He advanced stealthily towards the kitchen, wondering why everything was silent. Women's lingerie could only mean that someone in his apartment was enjoying life and that this someone wasn't him. Lucky motherfucker. The girl's skirt was even hanging on the kitchen door handle! That lucky son of a bitch! Leave it to Inuyasha to get laid the one night he couldn't.

Grinning like an idiot, Miroku went on, almost tripping over something that obviously rolled. "Damn," he cursed, eyes darting around. He stopped moving, as if he were some intruder, and held his breath.

Apparently, he still hadn't interrupted anything.

His smile returned and he picked up whatever it was that nearly caused him to fall face first down on the floor. Oh, the decoration plant, he nodded to himself. He set it down on the end table and that was when he saw them.

The ultimate freedom spell. They were just there, within reach on the rickety end table in the middle of the hallway, when he had been looking for them everywhere. His boss had nearly bitten his head off. So he had the keys, now if he could only find the handcuffs... They had to be around somewhere didn't they?

Taking the keys and pocketing them in his jeans, Miroku continued on his stealthy journey through the house. Maybe Inuyasha had picked up some food before he met that chick. Maybe it was just sitting in the cupboard waiting for him to eat it.

"I-Inuyasha..."

… What was that?

Arching an eyebrow, Miroku smirked, taking his shoes off. Extremely vocal, huh? He could hear them even though they were in his friend's bedroom. He yawned, entered the living room, ready to relax with a bag of food and a good movie when—

"Holy shit!"

Skin. Breasts. Lovely.

"Oh my God! Who is he? Get him out—get out you fucking pervert!"

Manliness. Inuyasha's manliness. Creepy.

"Fuck you, Miroku. Fuck off, dammit—I'm naked!"

Copulation. Yelping. More skin.

"What do you mean you're naked! You are both guys, I'm the one who should feel violated here!"

Amazing, curvaceous hips.

"Miroku, I'm gonna say this only once..."

Glaring. Scary roommate.

Intimate moment.

"Shit, I'm sorry," he finally managed to say, although his eyes were still glued to the girl's ample bosom. He took a few steps back, muttering a couple of lame excuses, wondering how flexible Inuyasha's special friend really was... She sure as hell seemed like it from that position. Lucky guy.

"Will you quit staring, you horny bastard!" the scary roommate roared, causing him to stumble backwards. Another excuse escaped his lips and he continued to make his way out – almost there – when his left foot got caught in the carpet without him even noticing it.

He turned around, covering his eyes since the naked beauty wouldn't stop screaming and proceeded to leave.

Then it happened.

Miroku felt the fluffy material pulling on his sock, found himself flying—or falling, he wasn't quite sure—and then the world was pain and only pain.

Was he dying?

Damn, he hadn't even asked Yash where the hell he had met the girl.

He didn't even get laid that evening.

And then, everything went black. Yes and ouch—he just had to be dead.


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