Author Note
Hello everybody...^.^...
I don't remember having such conflict between my own opinions and what I used to see about others' opinions…regarding Kouichi's relation with the others. I mean he sure looks like one of them but something was always off about him and them in the canon. After all, they didn't have that much time together without being forced to fight for survival when he joined them. About the twins, apparently, Kouji deals with his twin in a different and special way. I mean he wouldn't go shouting or fighting him for no reason like he does with Takuya.
Anyway, I am trying to show Kouichi's perspective here even if it is mostly about Kouji…He is the main character in this fic after all.
Thanks to Immortal Fallen Radiance, DracoFighter, Pheonix09 for their sweet reviews ^.^ So please enjoy and don't hesitate to share your thoughts about this chapter with me.
Disclaimer: I own the story but don't own Digimon.
Between the Two Fs
Confrontation
Life wasn't the same to him anymore. Trying to overcome problems he couldn't even understand had been tolerable in the past. He had easily ignored them and kept himself busy with nothing just to prove to himself that nothing matters to him. But now, he could feel his heart trembling whenever he thought about the future. It was too much unlike him to worry about something he could not do a thing to change or to predict. Fearing that everything would fall apart fueled his unstable new character.
In his heart, Kouji knew that looking forward; waiting for the days to come and pass by him would not ease his worries. He had always been the cool, cold guy. Cold enough to catch an internal cold but it had changed since he met them.
All of them.
They broke his defensive shell and allowed the light to touch his icy heart and he accepted their interference, believing that they were the best friends he would ever get. Life would never be better, he thought, after the end of their adventure. When his family united again, he had felt so different from the kid who went to the digital world, escaping from his troubles. But things had changed as well as people even the closest to his heart.
It started simply by their different paths in life. Izumi had returned back to Italy, Junpei got a part time job and Tommy hanged out a lot with friends around his age. The only two he believed would never change were his best friend and his own twin.
Not anymore, he thought sourly as he climbed the stairs to his room after the awkward conversation with Takuya on the phone. He hadn't been really angry at Takuya after what happened few days ago in the Park. During their conversation on the phone, he just needed someone to unleash his frustration towards then and Takuya had called in a sensitively bad timing.
Anger became his own strategy since the changes occurred around him. He had changed as well but part of him wasn't happy with that change. He became calmer; more open up but…weaker. The cold heart he had became much fonder with the people he cared about. He couldn't hide his worry or even his fear from their eyes; his fear of himself…of what he became. Loneliness had been a defense…a strong one but now he felt too exposed to the world and its pain.
Entering his bedroom silently didn't attract the attention of his brother who was peacefully reading a book he had borrowed two days ago. Come to think about it, since when did he accept staying in a boring library for three hours so his brother can borrow a stupid book? Lately, he started to do things he never liked or accepted just because Kouichi felt like it. Not that Kouichi asked him to. He had simply volunteered to walk him there because he felt his brother's need for such a visit to the public library. Besides, wasn't he the one who suggested going to the public library in the first place?
He felt empty suddenly…weak even. He had been always the one who hold all the cards, the one who can easily forget his heart and accept his mind's decisions but now his heart was easily getting advantage of his mind, forcing it to come in the second place. He had been able to control his emotions and to always have solid grounds but now he was simply accepting his brother's silent requests even if they weren't repetitive or urgent. Part of him felt the need to do what his Nii-san wants…maybe to keep him by his side, to not be alone anymore and that frightened him.
'Kouichi...?'
His brother raised his head and answered quietly, eyes still examining the lines of the book. 'Yeah...'
Kouji bit his lip nervously. It wasn't supposed to be like this. When he imagined a paradise-like life with Kouichi in these three weeks. How idiot he was, he thought, debating whether to drop what he wanted to say or continue no matter what the consequences are. Kouichi's eyes didn't met his and it didn't became surprising.
Kouichi's eyes became quite distanced lately after the park's incident. Kouji had e tried to talk to him, to understand the reasons of his night terrors but Koucihi kept things to himself; not to worry him. And Kouji despised that. He wished he could understand Kouichi's nightmares…his pain and loss but his twin refused to let him in. He, Kouji, had allowed people to enter his life, to know his pain and to help him in the time of his need but his brother stayed the same and he who thought that changing was for the sake of his twin in the first place started doubting it. How ironic it was to discover all that after three years of their meeting. Was it because Kouichi is staying with him for the longest time since their destined meeting?
If Kouji had continued acting as cold as he was, a bond could never have been formed between them. It was a sacrifice. And yet the one he scarified for didn't appreciate it, didn't appreciate how different he treated him; how worried and overprotective he was when it came to him. Didn't he deserve a little payback? Or didn't he have the right to understand…to help?
Takuya was different than his twin. He was a friend…his best friend. At least Takuya would say what is bothering him…was ready to move on, to give and take. Takuya had given him the opportunity to know himself better in the digital world and in the human world as he could always find him, talk to him or even fight him to feel better…to feel relieved after punching someone or taking few punches in return to snap back and to act more like himself again.
But Kouichi was a special case to him. A person who shouldn't be touched or blamed and whenever they had a fight, he would feel ashamed of fighting his precious Nii-san. And he had never regretted granting him such a position. It felt like it had been always this way. But…
'Do you want something, Kouji?'
Kouichi's bored tone took him out of his thoughts roughly.
'No. I am fine.'
Kouichi raised an eyebrow, before shrugging and smiling gently. 'Okay then.' His eyes returned to appreciate the composed letters in the book.
Why didn't he seem interested? Why couldn't he act like me in the same case. If Kouichi was the one who didn't seem all right, I would have tried everything to make him better but he wasn't me. Kouichi doesn't like annoying people and talking about their problems, thinking that he doesn't have the right to interfere in their lives.
But Am I anyone? Shouldn't he try at least?
'I am. Done!' He finally snapped and said slowly, causing Kouichi to abandon the book for the time being.
'What is wrong?' Kouichi asked with worried tone. 'You don't act like yourself lately.'
'Oh really?' Kouji sneered hotly. 'I am not the only one who isn't being himself lately Nii-san.'
'What do…do you mean?' Kouichi's voice cracked slightly and he avoided looking at Kouji's narrowed eyes.
It felt good to shout. 'Don't play dumb, Kouichi!'
'I-I don't understand.'
Kouji narrowed his eyes and snarled 'Why did you delete Takuya's message? Why are you acting so distant whenever our friends are mentioned or the digital world for that matter? Your nightmares. They have to do with you being such an absentminded zombie lately.' The suppressed calmness inside him exploded dangerously. Kouichi left the bed and walked towards him. The accusation in the questions was harsh enough to freeze him in his place. The elder twin seemed clearly confused and slightly afraid at his brother's outburst but Kouji didn't pay that any attention.
Kouichi sifted uncomfortably in his place before asking the only thing he thought would be easier to discuss. 'Wh-what message?'
'You know what I am talking about, Kouichi. The only one who can touch my cell phone is you. You were playing with it when Takuya sent his message. What is your problem anyway? Acting like an ignorant idiot won't help you now.'
'What…what are you talking about, Kouji? I really don't kno-'
'Stop lying to me! Till when should I stay behind, waiting for you to tell me what is wrong? You know, I don't care anymore. Whatever you are hiding doesn't concern me...' Kouji resumed threateningly. '...but never try to hurt my friends.' Kouji yelled, pressing on the last few words.
'Hurt your friends? Is that it? Your friends?' Kouichi's voice stopped trembling and it got new strength. Kouichi added after a tense silences. 'Is this about them? Your own friends?'
Kouji clenched his fists at the way his brother uttered his words. Hot anger started consuming him slowly and dangerously.
Kouichi looked at the floor, fought a threatening sob and whispered in small, pained voice. 'I don't know what you are talking about...' He chocked another sudden wave of tears and muttered as if to himself but audible enough for Kouji to hear. 'It was a necessity to keep me with all of you. A child who was nothing but a puppet to his own darkness...That what I was to them.'
Kouji's anger blinded him from even noticing the streaming tears on his brother's cheeks. It was too strange even for someone like Kouichi to give up and accept his emotions so easily. 'You know that they care about you so stop accusing them of carelessness.'
A desperate cry answered the angry teen. 'I don't accuse anyone!' His blue eyes met Kouji's for few seconds before avoiding them again.
'They are your friends…I was never theirs. I am no one but their friend's twin. I just came to destroy the innocent world you used to live in. The pleasure of your trip had been cut short just after Duskmon's appearance. All the happy and funny stories you were associated with in the digital world were before my appearance. Don't you know how I feel when I saw you talking all the time about what happened before we met.' Kouji's disbelieved glare forced him to continue in shivered voice. 'Battles, destruction and death were what accompanied us after my appearance.'
'They are your friends. Damn it!'
'Why do they have to call you to tell me about a meeting if I was truly their friend?
Kouichi's voice cracked and the tears broke him down but he continued faintly, head spinning. 'Maybe…if they knew that the destruction of my data in the digital world, they might have killed me themselves to get the opportunity of regaining the ultimate power of the spirits. I might have been dead in their eyes anyway.'
Kouji stopped listening and his anger took control completely. His body started moving without his control and his heart gave a shrieked order to let go for the time being and to relieve his pain…to use his mind irrationally. His clenched fist didn't hesitate to meet the other's wet cheek or to grasp his collar, pulling him towards his body in uncontrollable anger. A hiss escaped Kouji's lips to meet Kouichi soft whimper of pain. 'How dare you?' His hands gripped Kouichi's collar shirt tighter, ignoring the drown pain on Kouichi's face. 'If you have such a dark heart to think about others this way, don't expect them to be as corrupted as you.'
The words were uttered without thought and his mind screamed for him to regain control of his anger but he went on, gaining power from Kouichi's numb-looking face now. 'I am sick of you. All the time acting as if you are the victim. You should be grateful that they accepted and forgave you. Don't you ever talk about them that way!'
Kouichi's heart was devastated. The harsh words, his twin shamelessly uttered, destroyed the little self-confidence he has. His body stopped reacting to Kouji's growing grip on his shirt to the point that if Kouji stifled him now, he wouldn't even release a cry.
Tears didn't stop, though.
His passiveness drove Kouji mad. 'If I have to choose between them and you...I will choose them. Someone who can't trust the people who cried for him when he was dying doesn't deserve my care…or my love.'
The blue eyes that were full of tears, lost concentration of anything and panicked gasps ran away from their owner's heart, reviving the horror his nightmares bring to him. He didn't want to remember the things he sees when he closes his eyes.
'I don't want to be with you anymore…'the same tone Kouji was using now…the images changed faster showing a scene of dark space like the one he was in when he entered the digital world but this time he wasn't alone. Kouji was there and the others but none of them looked back at him and he kept running till a figure of a brown-haired guy tuned his face to him and the others stopped, looking at him with disgust and pure hatred.
'We don't need the child of Darkness. You don't deserve our time, right Kouji?'
Kouji smirked darkly. 'I am sick of you. Get lost. It would have been better if we never met.'
'It would be much better if you stayed with 'Kaa-san. Being away from you is better than having you with me.' Kouji's words brought him from his nightmare's memory to his real nightmare. He had forgotten to breath and if it weren't for Kouji's desperate and angry pushing of him to crash on the desk's table, he would have forgotten how it was to be physically in pain.
Kouichi's head hit the metal desk hard but he didn't seem to notice his pain or the strange movement of the glass flower vase on the edge of the desk as he bent against it, sitting on the cold floor forcefully.
'You know, I don't want you to be my special anymore. Maybe I should call 'kaa-san to take you with her. Takuya is much better than you. At least, he tells me his problems and I don't have to be careful in dealing with him.' Kouji calmed gradually and glared at the fallen figure of his twin. 'You make me weak.' Kouji bit his lip at the fragile figure and took few steps back before storming out of the room.
It wasn't wrong. Kouji reassured himself when he was once downstairs. He had always longed to say those words and he did it. Not only that but he was his old self when he fought Kouichi; heck, he had even hit him for the first time. It wasn't pleasant experience for sure but it didn't seem that bad. Brothers fight and hit each other. And it was not his fault that Kouichi was a crying baby whenever he was in a weaker position.
Kouichi deserved it. He hadn't respected how special he was to him so there was no need to be his special anymore. His elder twin didn't respect his friends and talked about them as if they were monsters who hated and ignored him and that was selfishness of him so it was okay for Kouji to be selfish and heartless in revenge. There was no doubt now in his opinion that Kouichi had deleted Takuya's message to prevent him from meeting their…no, his, friends now.
But…
Was that what he was looking for? Was it Kouichi's fault that he feels insecure around people? Was it his fault that he loved and cared about him more than anyone else? After all, Kouichi had never asked to be treated that way... Still, he didn't thought about going back and apologizing. It would be humiliating. Funny how he had never felt embarrassed in the case of apologizing to Kouichi but that had to end. And now.
His train of thoughts was interrupted rather roughly as a sharp, screeching voice of shattered glass knocked him. His head tilted unconsciously to the stairs as his eyes moved to look at the direction of his room's closed door upstairs. The sound was surely glass's smashing on the floor.
Kouji sighed, shifted his gaze to the front door, put his hands in his pockets calmly and left despite the chilly night air outside.
To Be continued...
Well, that was cruel. I have always thought that some dark manipulation of the gang's relationship and the twins' especially wasn't bad. But seriously, it is not that surprising to see Kouji angry at how emotional he became. Whenever I watch his character in the canon, I see how tough he is so he might not really like the idea of being so damn nice just because his twin deserves. I think the story will be more dramatic and a bit angsty from now. About Kouichi's nightmare, I will clarify things in the coming chapters.
Ah, the first two paragraph is inspired by Durarara OP song ...^.^...
Anyway, I feel relieved that I updated something. I can go and sleep in peace to study calmly for my coming midterm exams.
