Memo: Hey!!- I know I haven't posted in awhile, and quite a few people have asked me when I would- so here it is!!
Note: Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it, to thank you guys for reviewing- I'm posting today!!
BELLA NOTE: There's a reason Bella's kind of out of character, and this reason is because we've only seen some of her, and all we've seen of her- it's all been trapped in this one little heap, all revolving around the damsel in distress. So this has her breaking free- breaking free from his hold, realizing that there's more in life than just what she sees. Realizing that she's human, and that she has to be this way. She's now that girl again that we never got to see, never got to meet in Twilight who was only there for less than a two chapters before getting completely obsessed-
So please tell me what you think of it!!
Disclaimer: Bah!!
Bella's View-
"So where's Edward nowadays Bells," Charlie asked me to distract himself from the commercial break showing a bucket of salmon- everyone loved Salmon, and moving here, I had found out that they practically worshiped it too (They seriously do, I lived there!!) all around Washington- being plucked from a local river, and then being brought to some restaurant where it showed some girl frying them.
"Oh," I shrugged, my back turned to him to hide my reaction at his question, "he's left for a bit, should be back soon enough. Why?" I asked, suspicious.
"Just checking,' he grinned, "after what happened last time to you, need to know if he's still around," Charlie joked uneasily.
"Ha-ha,' I gritted my teeth, that was not funny. I wonder what would happen if he found out that he was right?
"A father needs to check," he defended himself.
"I'm fine," I rolled my eyes, suddenly remembering something. "Can we go to Jacksonville for awhile, just to visit Renee you know?"
"Jacksonville?" he asked, irked by my request. I laughed at his expression, he was figuring this out faster then I had expected!
"Don't worry Dad," I grinned, "I'm not quitting bugging you just yet. I'll be here forever and there's nothing you can do about it," I jeered, and then added. "Unless of course, you want to move to Jacksonville?"
"Jacksonville?" he asked taken aback, shocked by my request. "Why ever would I do that?"
I clenched my fist at his question, why wasn't he getting it? I wanted to ask.
"It would be a good change," I shrugged, showing that it wouldn't be any big deal. "It would be a nice change too, since you've been living in this town for what?- the past 80 years or whatever now haven't you?"
"I'm not quite that old just yet Bella," he laughed, his voice reverbrating throughout the room falsely after a few seconds, suspicious. I knew though that this needed to happen to convince him that I was serious- and I was ready for what was to happen next. "What about Edward though?"
"We can't be together forever," I scoffed at his suggestion, wishing very much that it would have been true, "you can't just believe that I would forgive him so easily for how he left, now would I?"
"Bella," he paled, noticing my joking tone- knowing it wouldn't last long, "are you going to break up with him?"
"Yeah," I sighed, taking this opportunity to my advantage. "And I really need to go away, you know Dad? I don't want the same thing to happen as it did last time," I shuddered for him.
"Why don't you go to Jacksonville by yourself then?" he asked, taken aback.
"I can't just leave you here now Dad, can I? After Harry, you haven't been doing anything, and Renee could really use your support with Phil always at games and stuff," I suggested lightly, knowing he'd probably take any chance to meet Renee again. "I can only be of some help of course you know, I've never really handled infants now have I, and neither has Phil so he can't object."
"Bella," he looked shocked, "I can't do that, what would your Mom say?"
"She wouldn't mind of course, since she needs all the help she can get it for she-" I ignored his "I'll say" as I continued on- "struggled enough with me, you know?? And even that was eighteen years ago..."I trailed off.
"How long are you suggesting Bella?" he asked, curious as his eyes flickered back to the television.
Relief flooded through me as he did this, for he was actually accepting it! "And," I wanted so badly to shout to him, to make him understand that "Edward" would never happen again- "I'll be free Dad, don't you understand? I won't ever have what he did to me ever happen again because he'll be over 2000 miles away!! And of course, he can't really stay in the sun either," I wanted to cheer. To laugh, to have this all behind me.
I wanted to run, to shout, to tell the whole world that I was me once again, that I wouldn't ruin someone else's life, that I wasn't the damsel in distress- that I could take care of myself. That I could run my own life, that I wouldn't destroy the only person I ever cared about-
That I wouldn't make him spend eternity- however long that may be- with a pathetic little girl who could barely breathe in front of him, who always found herself in trouble, and who always seemed to hurt him-
Who would run in front of him and hug someone else, ignoring his own feelings, and playing with jealousy-
I wanted to say to him, to see him one more time, and tell him that I was sorry. Sorry for playing with him for so long. Sorry for giving him hopes and senseless thoughts, distracting him from the one person he was truly supposed to be with- one who couldn't be me. Sorry for having him almost lose his life for me. Sorry for having him love me-
Sorry for knowing that I would destroy whatever happiness he once had.
Sorry for knowing that I would destroy whatever happiness everyone he loved had.
Sorry for knowing that I destroyed everything-
for it wasn't just me physically, I knew, that was a clutz- it was also mentally.
I could trip, and destroy everything people had made for themselves, for others- for me.
I could trip, I knew, and start crying, which I was about to now.
For that though, I knew, I was also sorry.
Sorry for knowing that I would destroy whatever plans I had made to leave Forks altogether by crying, over the past that never should have happened.
"I'll tell you in two minutes," I muttered then, turning my head as I excused myself to go to the bathroom.
It was in the bathroom where I broke down, barely making it to the door.
It was here that I knew I couldn't live this way, by seeing something so amazing, by living through it, by experiencing it.
Life was cruel, I knew, showing me something, letting me experience it for what seemed like forever, and then snatching it from under me, showing me that it wasn't meant for me. This pleaure, this hapiness, this exuberant feeling I had with him, it shouldn't have existed.
Not if it was doing to me what it was doing now.
Not if it was doing to him what it was doing to me now.
But of course it shouldn't be doing anything to him now, he who should be rejoicing. Laughing and cheering with his family that I was finally gone. A would be nuisance, distraction, destruction.
It wouldn't be doing to him what it was doing to me now.
He wouldn't be balled up against the wall, not being able to breathe, not being able to move or see or hear.
He wouldn't have to be with me, to see all of this.
He could be free.
He wouldn't be crying either- as I wasn't. I wasn't able to, for that part of me had long left me- tears were something I could only wish for.
Keeping track of time was also something I should have been able to wish for though-
since Charlie came to the door at that point, banging hard and asking if everything was allright.
I wasn't able to answer.
I couldn't move.
If this was for the best I knew, I should've screwn it.
Should have sought after what I had wanted the most, needed the most- him.
"I'm fine Dad," I barked, getting up from my position and finally facing the mirror within moments, pulling out emergency concealor to cover up my expression.
He wouldn't be able to see.
Since it was at then I remembered what I was doing this for- him.
And I couldn't screw up at this time, after I'd come so far, now could I?
Stashing and hiding the concealor back into place, I smiled and pulled open the door.
"How does a few months sound to you?" I asked, grinning.
"You've been in the bathroom for the past half hour and you come up with that?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.
"Of course not," I titter, stalling him. "What if we move Dad, and I mean- just away to California for a bit- we need a break after all, now don't we?"
"What are you running from Bella?" he asked, startled.
"Why would I be running?" I hide my face, hiding a smile behind my sleeve- a point of hysteria approaching.
"It always catches you Bella, no matter where you run or where you hide, it'll always find you,' he warned, guessing at my game.
I just laughed.
"I'm serious Bella," he said, "it will, and I probably won't be there when it does."
I just laughed again.
"To answer your question then," he said, amused, "yes. We can go to Jacksonville for a few months and then to California, if that's what you want of course."
"Why are you agreeing?" I asked, still tittering.
"I won't see what happened to you once happen again Bella," he said seriously, shaking his finger as it was a stick in a tree, I thought- pondering on how a never ending lecture with Angelina Jolie's lips would look on it; and without ears too of course, he never seemed to understand!
I squealed in delight from the image I had created- Micheal Jackson!!
"It'll catch up to you Bella," he warned one last time before moving, 'and I won't be there to stop it."
"Of course you will Daddy," I giggled, and pranced away.
I hadn't of course at that time realized that it already had-
For the hysteria that had begun, and would probably never come to an end.
I hoped it wouldn't at that time either, because if I ever woke up- hell would raise over.
NOTE: SHE'S LOST IT!!
Oooh, and I spent forever looking for a song to fit this chapter- can anyone think of any?
PLEASE REVIEW, and TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!
SERIOUSLY- !!
