The original characters belong to .. the twisted ideas of what I make the characters do is all mine *evil laugh*
Summary: Bella falls in love with Edward, her best friend's older brother but he doesn't see her that way. Or does he? All Human. AU. All Canon couples eventually.
A/N .. yes in this time line Edward is 19 and just going to university in Seattle. In my little world, he got extended pre-university courses at the high school he attended after his senior year. I love it that my world is anything I want it to be LOL
PS. I re-uploaded Chapter 2 to fix some grammatical errors. Nothing big, I'm just a perfectionist LOL
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Chapter 3
Bella's POV
Ok, so now I knew. I knew that Edward didn't know it was me in his room earlier that night. God that hurt. Why? I have no clue. I knew he hadn't recognized me while we were dancing. I didn't say anything to him to let him know that it was me. I didn't say "Hey, Edward. Did you know you're fucking Bella, your sister's BFF?" No I didn't say a fucking word except for moaning out his fucking name. So why did it hurt so much that he looked at me like he usually did (really it was nicer than he usually did) and actually told me that he hoped I'd had fun at the party?
I'd ended up telling Rose and Alice about what had happened and what I had done with Edward. I wasn't sure why I'd been hesitant to say anything to them. I knew neither of them would judge me for it. They both knew how I felt about him and what my plans were for that night.
I just didn't know how I would feel afterwards. Part of my emotions could have been from coming down from the buzz of being intoxicated before I went to his room with him. If I hadn't been so drunk, I honestly don't know if I would have gone through with having sex with him. But I knew beyond any doubt that I wanted Edward to be my first. No matter what else happened, he had to be the first for me. I didn't count on how deeply I would feel about it or how deeply it would hurt.
The other thing I remembered a couple of hours after I left Edward's bedroom, was that we hadn't used a protection. How could I have been so fucking stupid! I wanted to bang my head into a wall at that point. After talking with Alice and Rose, I changed into my comfort clothes and joined them around the pool with Emmett and Jasper. Emmett disappeared for a few minutes just before 1am and came back to say that Edward would be joining us shortly. I was terrified. What was I going to do? What if there were repercussions from my actions tonight? Crap, I was so fucking stupid!
Rose and Alice tried to reassure me, asking questions about where I was in my cycle but I couldn't even tell them that. Mine was all over the place and all I could do was cry once all of it hit me. I went from the height of euphoria in Edward's arms to absolute desolation when he turned away from me and passed out on his bed to extreme terror when I realized the exact scope of what I had done.
I said that I hate Edward Cullen, but the truth is I hate myself too. I was so desperate to be with him, I didn't think beyond that point. I'd been scared shitless that I wouldn't have the chance once he left for university in September. I had nightmares about him meeting some girl and not coming back to Forks, ever. Or of him bringing said girl home with him. I mean literally wake up screaming blue murder nightmares. I had a feeling that Edward didn't believe my feelings for him were anything more than a crush but they weren't. They were so much deeper than that.
And now? Now I had potentially bigger problems. The party had taken place only a week and a half before Edward was scheduled to leave for university in Seattle. In the time between the party and when he was scheduled to leave, he was acting really strange. Not like him at all. Miraculously, I even noticed this despite the turmoil I was going through myself. I couldn't figure out what it was that he was doing. He was on his phone a lot, not spending as much time with Emmett and Jaz and kept asking Alice and Rose over and over who all was at the party. They didn't go into details with me on what he was asking about but they kept saying it was really strange how he was behaving. He wasn't even torturing me
like he usually did when he found me at the house after he came in from one of his secret missions (what I started to call the times he disappeared with no explanation).
I honestly didn't know what to do. Should I come clean and tell him that I was the one he was with that night? Should I just keep quiet and let it go for now and decide what to do if there were actually consequences from that night? It hurt so much to think of never being with him like that again. It was almost like having an obsession, like a fan girl over a movie star. But I really couldn't help myself. My heart melted and my knees went weak every single time he came within my sight and to be near him was almost a pain and a euphoria beyond imagining. Sometimes he was so close I could reach out and touch him. I stopped counting the number of times I caught myself reaching out for him.
They say that there is a fine line between love and hate and I get that now. I was on the very edge of that sword. I was straddling both edges of that chasm.
I was visiting Alice one day a few days before Edward was supposed to go to and check out the dorms at the university and get registered when there was a huge commotion downstairs. We ran to the top of the stairs to see what was going on and could hear Edward and his dad fighting.
"You will be going Edward!"
"Dad, I can't! I just can't!"
"Why?" What the hell is more important than going to Seattle?"
"I can't tell you, Dad. I have to handle this myself. Let's just say I fucked up royally and I need to deal with it before I can do anything else."
"Well, you can go to school and let us deal with it. Just tell us what it is."
"No! You can't do anything! I did this, I have to fix it."
"Edward, just what the fuck are you talking about?"
I'd never heard Dr. Cullen so exasperated and angry with Edward before. The next thing Alice and I knew, Edward was flying up the stairs to his room, slamming the door behind him. We could hear him on the phone as we passed his door on the way to Alice's room.
He wasn't speaking very quietly so we could hear a little bit of his conversation.
"Look Paul, I HAVE to find out who she is! I'm consumed by this. I can't even think about going to Seattle until I have this figured out. You haven't found out anything at all?"
Paul was Alice and Edward's cousin on Esme's side of the family. He also went to our school and had been invited to the party but I hadn't seen him that night.
"Paul, I don't know what to do! I have to make sure she's okay. It's important!! No I'm not going to tell you the details dude! Just see if you can find someone that saw her there, please!"
Alice and I had looked at each other puzzled. What was Edward talking about? More importantly, WHO was he talking about? My heart had felt like it was breaking. Had he met someone? Was that it? I was never going to have the opportunity to show him just how much we belonged together? Okay, so I got pretty pathetic as I watched Edward going nuts trying to find some mystery girl. I wallowed in self pity for that period time.
Rose and Alice did their best to keep my spirits up but on top of the feelings I had about Edward, there was also the guillotine hanging over my head for the few weeks after the party.
I tried to hide how I was feeling whenever I was near the Cullen's house, especially whenever Edward was home but I must not have been doing a very good job. I overheard him asking Alice if I was okay one day. She did a good job at covering just saying I was just not feeling well. At least he accepted that with no questions. Not like he had ever been all that interested in how I felt or what I did before.
So it's now the Thursday before the Labour Day weekend. The day that Edward was supposed to go to Seattle and register at University but he hasn't left yet. He was looking more and more haggard as the days passed. He seemed obsessed with finding this person he was looking for. I was at the Cullen's for dinner that night when Carlisle brought up the subject of university with Edward again.
"Edward, I'm not sure what you are dealing with right now, but you have to get your butt to that registrar office in the morning. You are going to university and that is all there is to it. Your grandparents sacrificed a lot to make sure you kids had an inheritance to use for your higher education and you are not going to waste the opportunity they have given you."
Edward looked at his dad like he was in pain. "But Dad, I have to deal with what I did. I can't just leave it."
"You've spent almost 2 weeks trying to 'deal with it' as you say on your own and you haven't found anything. You won't discuss it with us so we have no way to help you. If you want to talk to us, I promise we'll be here to listen and help if we can."
Edward sighed deeply and I watched as his thoughts turned inward. He had the most expressive eyes. I wondered what had happened to cause this much anguish in him. Finally, he looked up at his dad with a defeated look.
"Yeah Dad. I think I better talk to you and mom about it. Can we talk after dinner?"
Alice and I looked at each other. Edward didn't turn to his parents unless he was at the end of his rope. He was extremely self reliant; sometimes too much so. This must be pretty damn serious for him to actually break down and talk to them about it.
I knew how he felt though. I didn't want to discuss what I did with him with anyone. I broke down and talked to Alice and Rose only because they knew most of it already and I was too emotional at the time to stop myself. I tended to internalize most stuff and I never talked to Renee, my mom about things. This one thing in particular I couldn't ever talk to my dad, Charlie, about. He'd fucking kill Edward even though I was just as much to blame probably more so. My father was extremely protective of me.
After dinner, Alice and I spent time in the family room watching some movies. We were just heading up to her room when Edward came around the corner to head up to his. He looked crushed. Like the end of his world had happened in that small amount of time since dinner. He stopped when he saw us on the stairs and tried to give us a smile.
Alice went down the few steps to him and asked if he was okay as she grabbed him around the waist and gave him a hug. He bent his head down to her shoulder and hugged her back before stepping away.
"I'll be fine Alice. Don't worry about me."
"Edward, I love you. Of course I'm going to worry about you."
Alice let him go by her on the stairs; he gave me a little smile that didn't reach his eyes as he went by me. I gasped at the look into them; I actually physically hurt. His brilliant emerald eyes seemed dulled by whatever had transpired between himself and his parents.
As he left us standing on the stairs, Alice turned to me with tears in her eyes. She hated seeing her brother in pain. They were as close as two siblings could be without being twins. Even though she and I had spent a lot of time together while growing up, I knew how close she was to him. He was her protector no matter how much he'd liked to tease her and she felt the same about him. She would move heaven and earth to make sure no one messed with her big brother Edward.
I gave her a hug and we followed Edward upstairs where we split off to her room as he went into his. He shut the door behind him and we heard his stereo start up; Metallica's Fade to Black. (link to lyrics at end of Chapter)
Okay, so that didn't sound good at all. Alice looked at me with wide eyes.
I was spending the night so we settled into her room with more videos but we could still hear music coming from Edward's room. Music that was brooding, angsty and really dark; not at all what he normally listened too.
Alice, Rose and I are starting school after the weekend so we had decided to go shopping in the morning for new clothes to at least last until Christmas. It was our final year and Alice and Rose were determined that I was going to come out of my shell, dress up nice and make more friends. I didn't want to but if you ever get the chance to meet these two, don't try to argue with them. You will definitely not win.
I wasn't sure if I was in the mood to deal with shopping tomorrow. Between my anxiety over waiting to see what happens with me and all the angst I saw in Edward, I really just wanted to crawl into a hole and bury myself in it until everything blew over. I was sure that Edward was feeling the same way given his taste in music tonight. By the time midnight rolled around, I felt so depressed that I just told Alice I wanted to go to sleep and did. I would just have to deal with everything tomorrow because I'd definitely had enough today.
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lyrics here for Fade to Black:
http://www(dot)lyricsfreak(dot)com/m/metallica/fade+to+black_
2552 words
Posted on Oct 13-09
