Chapter 3

Her arms ached, her back ached, her whole body told her that bed and sleep were the only things to satisfy her. She massaged her neck as she exited the shower, enjoying the steam as it enveloped her body.

"What I wouldn't give for a long hot bubble bath." She muttered to no one. Her body was sore from training and later the surgery for Thompson, for which she had offered to assist. Overall the operation had been straightforward. The wound though large had been easily repaired. M'Benga had led the team, with Christine providing support.

Spock had stayed for the operation, though must have left soon after. She had noted him in the corner of the room, talking to McCoy. It had seemed an odd interaction drawing her attention. McCoy appeared to have become quite animated as discussion had progressed.

Stepping towards her bed, Christine could only think of sinking deep into the sheets and drifting away to a wonderful world of dreams.

The intercom beeped with a male voice requesting entry to her room.

"Of course Matt, come in" she grabbed a robe, lying at the end of her bed and moved towards the doors. She smiled tiredly as he entered.

"Hi Christine", he smiled back, but would not meet her eyes.

"Are you ok?" she queried

"Yeah, I'm fine – just embarrassed. That's why I'm here, I wanted to apologise to you.

Christine looked at him, confused but silent, allowing him to continue.

"When Thompson fell, the blood – sorry, I just ran. I hadn't seen so much before I.. I…"

"You felt sick to your stomach, and you wanted to throw up"

"Yep, that about sums it up"

Christine held her hand to her mouth to stifle a laugh. Ensign Carter remained with his head lowered until her hand found his arm.

"You sweet thing" she smiled "that's nothing to be embarrassed about"

He looked towards her whilst moving past her to her lounge, sitting with a defeated bend to his body.

"I think you are being kind"

"I think you are being silly", she paused then continued, taking a seat next to him." Did you know I didn't train to be a nurse, not initially – I was, am a scientist. Nursing came to my life later on. I hated the sight of blood, threw up the first time I saw a body dissected"

"Sure you say that" leaning his head back, he turned slightly towards her "I saw you, you were great"

"Well get me down into engineering and ask me to reconfigure a propulsion engine and I would curl up in the foetal position. Its ok to be freaked out by things" taking his hand in hers she gently rubbed her thumb across his fingers.

On reflection Christine was unsure as to what exactly happened next, other than suddenly she was in her room, barely dressed with a very handsome much younger man kissing her firmly yet sensitively. She thought that perhaps she had pulled away, but could not definitively state that was her reaction. All she knew now to be the truth was that she was enjoying whatever it was that was happening.

At some stage the Ensign had lost his shirt, her hands reaching up his chest to feel the firmness of his flesh under her fingers. Pulling him down to her, she moved underneath him with an eagerness that she had forgotten she possessed. He wanted her, and she definitely wanted more of him.

This feels so right, oh so right.. so "Wrong!"

"What?" the Ensign's head lifted from Christine's neck to look directly into her eyes "Wrong?" he asked again, in between short breathes.

"Oh God I'm crazy", she murmured pulling herself up to a sitting position whilst readjusting her robe in front of her.

Carter sat back into the lounge, clearly affected by recent events, evidenced by a certain strain upon his trouser uniform.

"Did I do something? I … I thought you…." He stammered, feeling suddenly abandoned on the lounge, vulnerable in front of this woman.

"No Matt, you didn't do anything, well you did – but what you did was fine..It's me, oh God that sounds so clichéd, but it's the truth, it is me. I'm just not ready for whatever this is… even if this is just.. this"

She struggled to find the words to explain her change of mind; the problem was she wasn't really sure what was going on. She knew she had been enjoying herself, wanting things to go further. She had been at the point of willingly giving herself over to the moment and damning all consequences, when a sense of betrayal had stopped her. It made no sense, there were no grounds for such a feeling, but it sat there heavy in her stomach. No matter how much she desired the man before her, she could take her actions no further.

"Look Matt, I can't explain this, just its not going to happen tonight" because I'm an idiot she added silently in her own mind.

The intercom buzzed for the second time, again a male voice requested entry. A voice she knew too well.

"Mr Spock!" Matt looked over at Christine, "Oh" realization dawning on his face "oohh".

"What! No! Matt you have the whole wrong idea – I don't know what this is about"

Christine managed to disentangle herself from the lounge, quickly making her way to the intercom.

"Yes Mr Spock, what can I do for you?"

"There are matters that require discussion prior to our arrival at Vulcan Nurse Chapel, is this an inconvenient time?"

"Not at all, just one moment"

She looked at the scene before her; little would indicate the activities of earlier, except the half naked Ensign sitting in her room.

"Matt your shirt" she hissed

He looked down and blushed, shrugging his shoulders indicating he was unsure of its location. Christine quickly scanned the room sighting it somewhere near the bathroom. Even she could not explain how it had landed there. Pointing wildly he followed her lead.

Spock's voice again came through the intercom "Nurse Chapel, perhaps next time you might consider removing her hand from the intercom button if you wish to discuss issues of wardrobe with your guests. I can return at a more appropriate time"

She gave up, the night was becoming all too much of a strange emotional carnival ride.

"No its fine, Ensign Carter was just leaving", she looked over to ensure the officer was appropriately attired "please come in"

The door slid open, Spock strode in as Carter backed his way out of her quarters. As the two crossed a feeling sparked within Christine's body, anger, hot anger wrapped in possession. She felt uncomfortable, almost afraid; it was enough to send shivers down her spine.

"Mr Spock"

"Ensign Carter"

Spock stood still watching as the officer left. Christine was tempted to say Spock was acting territorially. He stood hands behind his back, not giving any ground, watching the officer's every move. When he appeared satisfied that Carter had completely removed himself Spock turned to face Christine, and check out my room, she thought, as his eyes appeared to focus on her bed. Well there's not much there to see she thought to herself, but not through want of trying.

"Tea Mr Spock? water?, personally I feel this evening calls from something a little stronger, but I'm happy to get you what you would like"

Spock had moved to stand near one of the chairs, beside the lounge area. Apart from a couple of discarded pillows, all was in order.

"I do not require refreshment Nurse Chapel. I have come to discuss the books you sent to my quarters for assessment".

"Books?. Oh those, I had forgotten about them, it seems so long ago".

"Do you tend to forget about items that do not remain in your immediate vicinity?" He asked in a short tone.

A deep frown developed across Christine's forehead. "Is this a test?" she asked, "have I been negligent in my duties, forgotten something causing error?" her answer was abrupt, as his comments had seen harsh and unsolicited.

"I have observed that if you are distracted, you lose focus on what were previously considered significant items"

Christine's head was starting to swim, perhaps it was the tiredness, the situation with Matt or having Spock standing in her quarters in the middle of the night, but for whatever reason she could not understand his interest in discussing this matter at this time.

"I don't lose interest in things that matter Mr Spock, the books no longer matter to me. I want them gone, they remind me of" she paused " an unhappy time".

Moving around the table to sit down she tried to make sense of his statements.

"Are you sure you are talking about the books?"

"Nurse Chapel, of what else would I be discussing. You asked me to undertake a task for you, which I did. Since this time you have been unavailable for discussion due to activities. My consideration to attending your quarters at this hour, was based on observation that you would not be present any earlier, given your alternative focus".

Folding her arms across her chest, Christine sat back into her chair, looking intently at the First Officer.

"Are you angry with me?" a picture had become to form in her mind, the feelings she had had, the anger, the betrayal could all be corresponded to Spock's presence. Maybe it was madness to make these assumptions, but the man before her was definitely not himself. Not the man who had wrapped her so tenderly in a jacket, as she had stood shaking in the gym only hours before.

"Nurse Chapel I do not get angry"

"Mr Spock you choose not to get angry, however you are capable of anger"

Tension rose in the room, an impasse had been reached, for which neither side was prepared.

"You are not talking about the books, I suspect you are talking about" how should she put this " feelings that you may have either towards me, or believed that I hold towards you"

Hell! Where did that come from Even Christine was amazed by her honesty, I must be so tired as to be on the brink of craziness.

Spock shut down any further conversation with a simple statement.

"Nurse Chapel it is late, this matter is finished".

"No, no you don't get to leave, without telling me the truth, without telling me what you feel!"

"Nurse Chapel I cannot…"

"Will not!"

"Nurse Chapel I cannot tell you what I do not know "

"So you might feel something, but you don't know what it is?"

Spock stood silently in front of the doors, unable to exit as Christine barred his path. Her hand rose instinctively to place upon his chest, she stopped part way.

"I cant even touch you", her voice saddened "I cant even just touch you" She slumped back against the door, moving her body to one side to allow him to exit.

Spock remained standing still.

"If you are going, just go … ", she did not bother to raise her face to his.

"Christine, I do not know if I wish to go. I do not know what I.. feel" at this comment she raised her face. Her eyes the purest of blue, tinged with a hint of misty sadness. He could not look away, though logically he knew the longer he remained this close, this exposed the likelihood of not leaving became greater, and that, against all rules of discipline scared him.

He moved to open the doors, then turned in a sudden movement, leaning down to find her lips with his own. Confusion washed over her, feint traces of anger, no more directed than anger - jealousy, possession. Negative emotions were like tidal waves, drowning her as his lips pressed harder against her. She thought she would not be able to breath, that she would die within his internal battle, then she saw it, felt it, a lifeline – the tiniest glimmer of what might be. A small warm ember, barely alive amongst the emotional rubble, buried deep – almost too deep to retrieve. With her mind, her heart she tried to reach down, to fan this tiny hope of what might be love.

She reached behind his neck, moving her body to press against his. His hands gripped her hips pulling her towards him. She could feel him clenching her tighter. She tried to ignore the pain she felt from each individual finger pressed deeper and deeper into her flesh.

"Spock you're hurting me" she pushed him away; looking down at her body evidence of his feelings were turning a slight bluish colour.

Spock held his hands before his face, and then looked to her, shame was unabashedly shown before her.

"I…I did not mean, Christine forgive me"

"There is nothing to forgive, it was in the moment, you didn't intend to hurt me" she took a step to stand closer to him. Spock stepped back, keeping his distance from her. I felt something, I know that its there, but its fragile – go gently she reminded herself, approaching him again.

His arms had fallen to his sides; she took one in each hand and softly placed them back upon her hips. His eyes remained downcast. Another step closer slowly, so slowly.

Again she felt emotions, turmoil, and confusion. Placing her hands over his she held them to her side, a slight movement tingled her skin as realization came to her that he was massaging, very lightly, where he had held her.

"See, I wont break" she searched for his face, he had been avoiding looking at her. She persisted until finally she found the darkness of his eyes, so soft yet with a deepness that made her feel as if she was standing at the edge of an abyss.

"But I might Christine", he whispered. "I " he took in a deep breathe " I did feel anger towards the Ensign when he was with you, it confused me, caused conflict with others. I do not wish that to repeat"

"Matt is a friend…"

At this his eyebrow raised

"A friend with whom I perhaps got carried away in a moment, it meant nothing. I like being wanted Spock, any person does. Its not wrong in itself, just maybe sometimes it happens with the wrong person"

"Would you do it again?"

She tensed a little at this question. "Are you saying you would not want me do it again – Spock I don't know what is between us, but whilst this" she moved her hand between the two of them "is unclear, I cant give you a guarantee, that would not be fair to either of us"

He stepped back. "I do not want to have this experience again Christine, if you cannot guarantee your actions then I must meditate to resolve this matter"

"You are asking me to give you a commitment to remain alone, but you cant give me a clear understanding of your feelings, your intentions towards me?"

"My readings of human emotion, particularly love was that there would be a willingness to guarantee such action"

"Not from just one person, look I don't know if I love you, is that even possible I barely know you" he moved to leave " but I know I care what happens to you, I know I want to know you, I want to stand beside you. I would like to be the one you seek out to share your soul"

Her hand reached up to touch the side of his face, he turned away.

She walked towards her desk picking up a piece of paper. "Spock this has to stop here. A while ago you stated you were surprised I was not yet a Doctor, and I agreed with you. This is the confirmation of acceptance of my placement on Earth to complete my medical training. I have not spoken to the Captain yet, but I doubt there will be an issue in having me transferred"

She moved back to stand before him "do you want me to go?"

The words hung heavily in the room; stillness in time fell upon both of them. Captured by a moment that could direct their lives, their hearts.

"I will not be the reason you forgo your professional career"

"That's not an answer"

"It is the only answer I am able to provide at this time Nurse Chapel"

She again placed her hand upon his chest, maybe I can feel what he wants, but there was only silence in her mind. Perhaps he felt nothing, or perhaps every fibre of his body, every discipline he possessed was attempting to control the urge to hold her with the desperation of a dying man.

"Please leave Mr Spock"

Christine fell against the wall, slowly sliding down, her hands covering her eyes. Her sobs could be heard in the corridor. If only she could have looked outside, found the strength to follow Spock.

Spock left her quarters, purposely walking away. Anyone who may have passed him in the corridor would have questioned the air conditioning system, if perhaps strange pollen had been released in the ship. Anyone passing him in the corridor would have suspected some form of malfunction, as all the crew were well aware that Vulcans don't cry.

To all who have reviewed I hope you have enjoyed – my intention is to continue, just have to work out where these two go from here. To be honest I would like them to get together, just not quite sure how to do it at this stage, so there might be a bit of a lag in writing.

BTW I don't own anything in relation to Star Trek