CHAPTER THE THIRD: NO!
While Loki is having nappybye, the 'grownups' are having a family meeting. Bruce is going on about some science mumbo jumbo or perhaps about how to scramble an egg, we don't know. It's not in english. Steve also knows this feel.
Steve: Steve! They called me Steve! Somebody finally called me by name!
Us: Oops. We mean Captain Weenie.
Captain Weenie: Son of a gun!
Bruce: Well, the allspark and scrambled eggs aside, does anyone else find it weird that Tony is trying to tap that ass?
Tony walks in.
Tony: No they don't. Perfectly normal. What is weird is that I keep getting cockblocked.
Captain Weenie: You shouldn't be trying to bed the bad guy.
Tony: You shouldn't be a weenie. But here we are.
Captain Weenie: I'm not a weenie!
Tony: Then why is your name Captain Weenie?
Captain Weenie: IT IS NOT!
Tony: Is too. And that man behind us is on Tumblr, thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.
Captain Weenie: What's a Tumbler? Isn't that for drinks?
Tony: Sometimes. That doesn't actually sound bad... Any rye? Loki drank all the juiceboxes.
Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: One of you needs to go talk to him. He started coloring on the walls. Didn't realize SHIELD was a daycare centre... Mothafucka.
Later... Bruce is actually working, Tony is filtering and reblogging posts on his super fantastic computer. Bitch. *glares at Toshiba*
Toshiba: I'm sorry I was frozen for seventy years. I just dethawed.
Captain Weenie: I have a friend!
Toshiba: No. You're a weenie.
Us: What the hell are you doing here? You're not JARVIS, get out!
JARVIS: True dat, bro. Represent.
Tony: O...kay... So anyway, hey Bruce? Am I annoying you? Am I annoying you? *pokes* Are you annoyed? Am I annoying you?
Bruce: LOL no.
Captain Weenie: Hey, are you nuts?
Tony: *walks over to Captain Weenie* ...Am I annoying you? Are you annoyed? Am I annoying you?
Captain Weenie: You're supposed to be helping, working, not acting like you're five years old.
Tony: Bruce is helping and working and I just gained five followers! Now tell me, which one of us is a) wearing a spangly outfit and b) has no followers?
Captain Weenie: I don't even have a Tumblr, I don't know what that is, I don't even have a computer!
Tony: I have an old Toshiba you can have.
Bruce: How will that help him?
Tony: It functions.
Bruce: Just because it turns on doesn't mean it functions.
Tony: He won't notice. Yesterday I saw him trying to send an email on a typewriter.
Bruce: *shakes his head, goes back to work because he's the only one that gets anything done around here*
Steve: How was I supposed to know? And my outfit's not that bad, is it?
Phil: Son of Coul: DAT ASS.
Captain Weenie: I beg your pardon?
Phil: Son of Coul: *squeals* He talked to me! *tweets*
Later in Loki room, Natasha go to scold for color wall.
Natasha: Niet. No color wall, is not good.
Loki: Whateva, whateva, I do what I want. And I finished the coloring book. I got bored.
Natasha: Is not excuse, you ask for new book.
Loki: But grownups were having a meeting and I wasn't allowed to bother them.
Natasha: Clean walls. Here is Mr. Clean, mop and bucket. Also, where is my BURD!
Loki: Bird? Oh that guy. He's a birdbrain and he's doing stuff for me so *sticks out tongue indignantly*
Natasha: Do not give tongue Natasha, and give back my burd.
Loki: Stop cockblocking my date.
Natasha: Is not date. Is Tony. You clean wall, or I punch with hair.
Loki: No. And also, I'm gonna step on this spider. *steps*
Natasha: *looks stricken, starts to cry* You are monster.
Back in the playroom, er, SHIELD headquarters, everyone is cranky because it's past their bedtime. Except for Tony, who is cranky because he's being cockblocked.
Bruce: I'd like to know why SHIELD is using the Tesseract as a bar fridge.
Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: It keeps the beer mothafucking cold.
Tony: Are we almost done here, because I have a date planned...
Thor: BABY BROTHA, NO!
Captain Weenie: He's not even in the room...
Thor: MIDGARDIAN WEENIE, NO!
Captain Weenie: No what?
Thor: NO!
Tony: You know, he has a point.
Captain Weenie: What point?
Thor: NO!
Tony: Exactly. Um, why are you wearing Ed Hardy, Weenie?
Captain Weenie: I got new clothes, I thought they looked nice.
Tony: EDHARDIAN WEENIE, NO!
Thor: THIS TONY, I LIKE HIM. ANOTHA!
Everyone else in room: NO!
Natasha: Niet.
Meanwhile on ze plane:
Hawkeye: *cocks bow* I, said the sparrow, with my bow and arrow, I killed the cock robin.
Back in the playroom:
Thor: NO!
Samuel L. Muthafucking Jackson: HELL NAW!
Natasha: Natasha still sad about spider. Does no one care about spider?
Thor: NO! ...WAS IT A HORSE?
Natasha: Niet.
Thor: NO!
Natasha: *single manly tear*
Tony: New clothes are all well and good, but you look like - for lack of a better word - a douche.
Captain Weenie: Phil likes it. Besides, take off your suit and what are you?
Tony: Sexy and I know it.
Bruce: *mumbles from work desk* Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah...
Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Look, we all need to stop bitchin' like a bunch of five year olds and start lookin' at the big picture, here. *places picture of badly colored stick house on table*
Tony: If you'd just let me go and take him out on a date...
Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: Shut the fuck up, Stark!
Bruce: Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us get stomped under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hmm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's NOT what Rome is about! WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR!
Captain Weenie: Bruce, put down the Mean Girls DVD.
The plane is hit by a black exploding Angry Bird. Natasha and Bruce land in what appears to be a boiler room? Sure, we'll go with that. Hawkeye is outside playing a live action game of Angry Birds.
Natasha: Ow. I think hurt hair. Bruce? How is hair?
Bruce: GRRR! WHARRGARRBL!
Natasha: No, Bruce, is fine! We'll take to best hair salon, fix hair!
Bruce: RAHHHH! BEAST!
Natasha: Fuq.
She gets chased through boiler room.
Hulk: LET ME LOVE YOU!11111111
Natasha: NIET!11111
Hulk's raging woke up Loki from his nappybye. Now he's cranky. And needs a sippy cup.
Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: *to crew* This thing is going down! We need to get it over water! Immediately! IMMEDIATELY!
Tony and Weenie go to try and fix things. Weenie is finally of use. But still spangly.
Tony: I'm gonna take care of the Adam's apple, and the butterfly in the stomach. You take care of the little water bucket on the kneecap. DON'T. LET. THE TWEEZERS. TOUCH. THE EDGES. Can you DO this, Weenie?
Captain Weenie: ...
Tony: America depends on you.
A few minutes later:
Captain Weenie: I'm not sure what to do, it seems to run on some form of electricity!
Tony: Weenie, that's a Lite Brite. The game we're playing needs batteries.
Captain Weenie: Alright! What's our next move!
Tony: You don't make a move. You're in jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, are you new?
Captain Weenie: I know this... I know that reference!
Tony: Mhm. Roll the dice.
Meanwhile...
Hulk: LKMJHYUGTFRDSXCDVFBNM!111111 (Translation: You. Me. Monkey bars. After school.)
Thor: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Back at SHIELD, Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson has had it with these mothafucking hostiles on this mothafucking SHIELD.
Samuel L. Mothafucking Jackson: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHAFUCKING HOSTILES ON THIS MOTHAFUCKING SHIELD!
Hulk is suddenly attacked by a barrage of mosquitoes. He leaps off the plane to take out their army. Hulk, out.
Tony is bitching about lack of date.
Robin wishes she were at the mall.
Weenie has somehow found a rogue yo-yo and is learning how to do tricks. He has mastered 'walk the dog' and 'around the world'.
Natasha finally over spider.
Yep. Still TBC. We just can't stop. It's madness.
