Chapter 2: Alone

Two weeks ago...

Leonardo

Master Splinter is always telling us when given two choices, always take the harder path. And for a while I thought that the harder path usually seemed to find us. Maybe we are cursed for being what we are. It goes against nature, we're freaks among our own kind and the people that live above us. You'd think that growing up and living the life we do would be hard enough, but apparently fate has a twisted sense of humor.

It had seemed so harmless that night, a night that seemed to be an eternity away now, another life time even. That ill fated night when my brothers and I had decided to go topside after weeks of down time. I knew that we'd all be aching to stretch our legs, burn off some of the stored up energy that had been building up for weeks. None of us liked to be cooped up in the lair for too long, we got restless and eventually started to get on each others nerves. So when Donny had proposed the trip topside to test out his newest invention we'd all jumped at the chance. Turning the exercise into a game I'd let my two youngest brothers have a head start while Raph and I waited, impatiently on his part, for our ten minute head start to run out.

I'd watched Raph a little bemused as he shifted his weight from foot to foot and twirled his sais around with practiced ease. Patience never was one of Raph's strong points, and I'd have laughed if I hadn't felt a little ill at ease. Something was prickling at the back of my mind, a sixth sense one might call it. Something didn't feel right about going out tonight, but I couldn't figure out what it was. When our ten minutes ended I grinned at my brother who'd immediately took to the surface, with me following close behind him.

As I thought back on it now I wished we'd gone a different route, been more aware of our surroundings, or not even gone out to test the stupid things at all. Then all of the following mess could've been avoided.

When I'd woken up a few days later I was disoriented and confused, and then the thought of Raph had sent a fresh dose of adrenaline through me. Donny had tried to calm me down, had tried to reassure me but I was past listening. I wasn't going to believe him until I could see Raph for myself. The last time I'd seen Raph he'd been on his side, staring at me blankly while a black thick substance had been running down his arm, creating a small thick pool by his hand. Our unknown assailant had made to deliver him a finishing blow but I'd jumped between them, stopping my own sword from taking my brother's life. I'd bested her, I remembered that much, and I'd waited while she had fought to catch her breath, both of my katanas safely in my hands. And then there was a flash of movement and my katanas were rendered useless, before I had time to get angry about this there was a flash of metal and then fire had engulfed my face in such blinding white hot agony that all I could do was hold my ruined face in my hands, not even aware that my legs immediately gave out on me as a cry of pain escaped my lips. I didn't remember anything after that until I'd woken in my room with Donny hovering over me.

And then he'd been there, leaning over me one of his hands clamped down on my arms. I'd felt relief wash through me, he was alive, here and breathing right next to me. The adrenaline started to fade, he'd frowned at me, and then his lips had moved but a strange ringing had started in my ears. I couldn't make out what he was saying, the outlines of Raph's face began to blur making him look as though he were a smeared water painting, or one of Mikey's pictures when we were small and he hadn't mastered staying in the lines. Fire curled around my face, making my nerve endings erupt in pain and I'd gasped, breathing in short pants and clenching my hands into fists.

Raph's hand had found mine then, and on impulse I turned my hand around and gripped his fingers in my own. My fingers tightened convulsively on their own accord, I could feel his fingers tense in reaction but he didn't pull away from my grip. Instead he squeezed back, as though trying to tell me something through his touch. But I was beyond listening, beyond knowing anything beyond the pain that threatened to drag me back into blackness.

The pain was bewildering, I was surprised that I could feel so much pain. Living the life we live I'm not a stranger to pain, I've been tackled, poked, jabbed, cut, punched, kicked, beaten to the point of near death, even stabbed with my own katana, but this tromped them all. I could feel the fire licking away at all that was consumable on my face and I opened my eye briefly to look at Raph once again, just to make sure he was still there. My vision was so blurred I could barely make him out, the wavy lines of color made my stomach churn and I quickly closed my eye again.

I couldn't remember anything beyond the pain, not my life, what I was, or even my own name. I just clung to the one thing keeping me grounded, Raph's hand twitched under my tight grasp and I was sure that I was squeezing tight enough to cut off the blood flow, but it was my only outlet to the pain. And even that wasn't enough. Nothing was worth living through this, my entire being didn't equal up to this pain. I could feel myself being dragged into the darkness under the onslaught and I wondered briefly who I'd made so angry in a former life that I had to endure this intense pain.

"No, you have to fight this thing, Leo," Raph growled angrily breaking through the ringing in my ears.

I wanted to listen to him, wanted to fight, but this pain was more than anyone could live with. I wanted to cry out, to scream as the fire continued to burn at my face by my throat was so dry. I needed to tell him, to let him know that I was trying, but the effort was too much. I couldn't push the words past my lips.

"Mikey, go get some cold compresses," Raph ordered. That was strange I hadn't heard Mikey come in.

But was Raph kidding with this? Get a bucket, a hose, anything but a damp cloth. They needed to put out the fire! Couldn't they see it, couldn't they tell it was burning me? I tried to swallow but my throat wasn't working right and that sent a wave of terror through me. My body wasn't responding to my commands, I couldn't feel my legs. Was I dying? I tightened my fingers around Raph's as a cold wave washed over me. I was dying. The pain was killing me.

"You can't give up, Leo," Raph begged in my ear, his voice just shy of cracking.

Didn't he know I was trying? I was fighting as hard as I knew how but I feared this time it wouldn't be enough. And it hurt.

"I know it does, Leo, but you gotta be strong," Raph said grimly.

Had I spoken that last word aloud? I hadn't realized, I couldn't seem to control anything anymore. I had to let him know though - I had to tell him that I trusted him to look after our family. To let him know that this wasn't his fault, if I had to go, if I had to die some horrific death I would gladly do it in the place of one of my brothers. I'd rather die myself then watch them die. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them, and I knew if I hadn't stepped in back there on the roof that our unknown assailant would have killed Raph without batting an eye.

I felt my mouth open and I found I could control my voice again. It cracked and every word was much more effort than it should've been, but I was just happy I could get the words out at all. It was so important that Raph knew.

"No!" Raph snapped angrily at me, his voice rising a little in his distress. "No you don't get to do this, Leo! You don't! Not now, not this way! Don't you give up! Don't you stop fightin'!"

I felt Raph shake my hand, my body was so limp at this point that my whole body shook with it, my teeth rattled together a little and I blinked my eye open up at him in shock. Raph had gotten rough with me before, we'd had plenty of scuffles over the years, but he'd never sounded so terrified and so angry at the same time. How could I do this to him? How could I destroy my brother by giving up? But the pain started to consume me again and the fire burned red hot. I stared at my brother sadly, not sure if I had the strength to fight it this time. I'd come back from so many things in our short life, but this time I was too weak to fight it.

"You promise me you'll keep fightin'!" Raph practically shouted at me.

I began to shake my head as moisture welled up in my eye. I couldn't promise him that, not this time. Nobody could fight this. Raph's other hand shot out and grabbed my chin, stopping me.

"You promise!" Raph growled as he glared down at me, his eyes narrowed and his hot breath hitting my face.

I felt my eye widen in surprise as I stared up at him and I saw him, really saw him. Raph never was one to open up with feelings, we all caught a glimpse of them every so often, but Raph was always quick to slam the doors closed again, but this time he didn't. I could see the raw pain that was slowly eating him up, the guilt of me jumping between them, of me taking the blow for him. He winced at every pained inhale I took and his eyes raked over my face, his lower lip had the imprints of his teeth as he'd ground his teeth into the soft skin so often. He was suffering just as much as I was, feeling just as much pain as I felt, only in his own way. And suddenly I understood. I couldn't die, couldn't just let go and leave Raph here like this. If I didn't fight, if I gave into the pain then Raph would forever have this on his conscience and would have to live with my death hanging over him for the rest of his life. He'd never forgive himself, and he'd never forgive me.

I couldn't do that to him, I couldn't put my brother through that. So even though the fire continued to eat away at my face I blinked slowly up at him, letting him know - making that promise that I wouldn't stop fighting. I saw his shoulders sag a little and then his fingers gently squeezed mine, and I knew he was thanking me. That was enough. As the pain pulled me back to the darkness I concentrated on the feel of Raph's fingers in my own, keeping that connection until I felt no more.


"Hey, Leo," Mikey greeted me cheerfully from somewhere off to my left.

I winced and turned my head slowly to where I assumed Mikey was standing. I couldn't be sure of course, I couldn't see anything anymore. The last thing I'd ever seen was the fuzzy outline of Raph's face, and the terror Raph had held in his eyes while I'd almost succumbed to the pain that had threatened to take my life. The fire wasn't burning me anymore, I was on enough pain killers to stop me from feeling the wounds that ran diagonally across my face but I knew they were still raw. Donny hadn't been able to stitch them well because of the angle and because whatever that lady had used to claw at my face had managed to scratch both of my eyes.

I'd been terrified the first time I'd woken up again after Raph had been at my bedside, begging me to hold on. I had blinked my eyes open but the darkness had remained. At first I'd thought that perhaps it was night and my brothers were asleep, but then I'd heard movement next to my bed and I'd turned my head and blinked my eyes again. I could still remember that conversation well, as if it had only happened yesterday.

'Leo, it's so good to see you awake, bro.' Donny's said his voice warm.

'Donny?'

'Yeah, bro, it's me - you've been out of it for almost a whole week now.'

'Where's Raph? And Splinter?'

'Take it easy, Leo, everyone's fine they're down having lunch.'

I'd felt the frown on my face as I'd contemplated that for a minute and then my voice grew shrill with terror. 'Then why is it so dark in here?'

'Leo, what are you talking about?' Donny's voice sounded just as worried as mine now.

'It's so dark, I can't see anything.'

'Leo, all the lights are on it isn't dark in here.'

My body had turned cold and I'd gripped the sheets beneath me on impulse.

'Donny! I can't see!'

"Leo?" Mikey's voice was closer now and I could almost see the alarm on his face at my lack of response to his first inquiry. I sighed quietly to myself, I wasn't in the mood to be badgered by my brothers right now. There was a reason I'd come here, to be alone, and I'm sure that Mikey knew that, but still he'd followed me here.

Ever since we'd realized that the damage to my eyes was probably permanent my brothers had been very over bearing. They'd tried to help me at every twist and turn, trying to help me do everything from walking around the lair, to trying to help me eat my food. It was irritating, I was blind not helpless. This was something I had to come to terms with on my own, but they wouldn't let me.

"What is it, Mikey?" I asked begrudgingly.

I heard Mikey draw in a sharp breath and I frowned. I was sitting in the lotus position, trying to focus on meditation on my mat in my room. I was trying to concentrate on getting my temper under control, I was so tired of being treated differently, of having my brothers feel sorry for me. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me, to treat me different. I hadn't changed, I was still the same Leo I had been before, I just couldn't see. Why couldn't they understand that? I didn't want or need their help with anything I'd always been able to do on my own before.

"Uh, I made some lunch. You hungry?" Mikey asked and I heard him take another step towards me until his warm hand rested on my shoulder. I shook it off.

"No."

I could practically hear Mikey's frown. If I could have I would've rolled my eyes.

"I think you should eat somethin', Leo," Mikey said his voice suddenly stern. "You didn't eat breakfast either."

It was my turn to frown. So they were keeping tabs on everything I did now?

"I said I'm not hungry, Michelangelo!" I snapped angrily as I rose swiftly to my feet, my chest heaving with my heavy breathing.

Michelangelo hesitated, I could hear one of his feet brushing against the floor and then he turned away and started towards the door. He paused at the doorway, or just outside, I wasn't sure which. "Ok, Leo, but its down there if you change your mind." And with that he was gone, leaving me once again alone.


Michelangelo

I stared sadly at my brother for a minute, watching as his chest heaved as he breathed heavily in through his nose, his shoulders had squared into their usual position when Leo was going to be stubborn. I knew there was no point in arguing with him, it wouldn't get me anywhere. Leo could be just as stubborn as Raph when he made up his mind. His eerily milky white eyes seemed to see right through me and I suppressed a shudder as I turned away.

I walked quickly out of the room, getting the feeling that Leo really didn't want me in there. Those blank eyes followed me out of the room, it made my skin prickle a little. I stopped at the doorway and turned back to him, he hadn't moved, the only difference was that now his shoulders had loosened a little but his hands had curled into fists.

"Ok, Leo," I told him, offering the promise of food once again. "But its down there if you change your mind."

I don't know why I was bothering, Leo only came down for dinner these days. I was sure that he had to get hungry during the day, but Leo preferred to spend most of his days in his room alone, usually in the lotus position and meditating. Master Splinter had told us it was Leo's way of dealing with everything, but I wasn't sure if I believed him. Leo was trying to pretend that nothing had happened, that nothing had changed, and that wasn't right - was it?

I bit my lip as I started down the stairs to join my brothers for lunch. Leo's handicap made him more vulnerable now, he wouldn't be able to see who or what he was fighting if someone attacked us. He could just as easily turn on us as he could them because he wouldn't know it was us until he actually touched us.

Donny looked up as I entered the kitchen, his eyes expectant, but then a brief look of disappointment crossed his face. I was sure my face had the same expression, but I couldn't tell, I was too numb to feel it.

Raph's eyes narrowed and he shoved his plate angrily away from him and slammed his fist onto the aged wooden table. "Why isn't he comin'?" He demanded hotly as he glared at me.

"He said he's not hungry." I said with a slight shrug of my shoulders. I sat down in my chair and began to tear my sandwich apart, no longer interested in actually eating it.

"He's gonna eat even if I have ta..." Raph started to rise but Donny placed a restraining hand on Raph's shoulder, forcing him to sit again.

"That isn't going to help him, Raph." Donny said sternly as he gave Raph a piercing stare. Raph glared at him for a minute then his shoulders slumped as he stared down at his half eaten sandwich again.

"Yeah, I know - but we've gotta do somethin', Donny!"

Donny toyed with a potato chip on his plate for a minute then crushed it between two of his fingers, letting the small little flakes liter his plate. "Leo is trying to adjust, Raph, we can't just force him to get better. It's gonna take time."

"He's getting worse though, Donny," I interjected as I finished tearing apart my sandwich and started to crush the chips under my fingers.

Donny nodded. "I know, Mikey, but the best thing we can do is just let him know we're here for him. This is something he has to work out on his own."

Raph rose abruptly and threw the rest of his lunch and the plate into the sink, then he turned on his heel and stormed out of the kitchen, his hands fisted at his sides and his shoulders hunched. I was sure that he was on his way to the dojo or his punching bag to blow off some steam. Donny and I didn't try to stop him, we all felt just as helpless as he did, but the best way for Raph to release his feelings were to channel them into physical action.

I blinked down at my plate, staring unseeingly at the ruined sandwich and pulverized chips.

"Mikey, maybe you should go lie down." Donny suggested quietly.

I looked up at him my eyes wide with surprise. "What?"

Donny was looking at me, studying my face closely. "When's the last time you slept more than two hours?"

I blinked in shock. How had he known? "I...I don't remember." I finally admitted.

Donny nodded as if his suspicions were confirmed. "I'll take care of the dishes, you need to get some rest."

"But what about you, Donny? I know you've been working late nights..." I said frowning at him.

Donny stared sadly at the plate I'd made for Leo, the sandwich and chips that would remain untouched. "I'm fine, Mikey."

I knew better than to press the issue, I nodded once and started out of the kitchen, I could hear Donny's chair scrape across the floor as he too rose, and Raph's heavy grunting as he began to pummel his punching bag.

I walked slowly through the lair, my arms wrapped around my chest, biting my lower lip while I kept my eyes on the floor. Things were so different around here now, so quiet. The video games that I'd spent hours playing were now piled up in the corner collecting dust, the TV was rarely turned on anymore and even my comic books had gone untouched for a couple of weeks now. Ever since Leo's accident, they just didn't seem that important anymore.

I climbed wearily up the stairs, feeling the drag of my feet on the cold metal as I dragged myself up to my room. I was tired. I couldn't remember the last time that I'd slept well, surely before Leo had gotten injured, but that felt like another lifetime now. How much longer could this last before one of us snapped from the pressure? A month? A week? I wasn't sure if Raph was going to last another few days with how quickly his temper was flaring up the past couple of days.

Leo and Raph had always butted heads, Raph had never taken well to being told what to do and Leo had always done what he thought was best for the four of us, making him seem like a teacher's pet at times. Raph had often made Leo bristle when bringing that up by calling him 'Splinter Jr.' and I'd often wondered if Raph was just jealous of the bond that Leo and Splinter had. But this was something else, the way Raph was acting these days had nothing to do with Leo always doing what Splinter told us to do, mainly because Leo spent so little time with us, and most of the time he was with us he wouldn't talk to any of us unless we spoke to him directly.

No I had a feeling this was about Leo's injury, and Raph's guilt. I knew that this was eating my older brother up, he could barely look at Leo these days and every time he did he'd flinch and quickly look away again.

I'd be the first to admit that Leo's scars weren't the most pleasant things to look at. Still as raw and fresh as they are with a the stitches still keeping the skin sewn tightly together I have a hard time looking myself. The swelling finally went down after several days and the shallower ends of the cuts began to scab over but the deeper parts of his wounds had had to be sewn, and while the job had been difficult Donny had managed to accomplish that task.

The top stair creaked under my weight and wobbled a little, I frowned at it, the ridges over my eyes met over the bridge of my nose. I'd have to talk to Donny about that, make sure it wasn't loose. The last thing we needed was for that to give out on Leo when he tried to make his way up or down the stairs, his reflexes weren't as fast as they once were and I doubt he'd be able to get himself to safety if those stairs gave out from under him.

I started for my room, looking forward to a nap now as my eyes seemed to forget how to open temporarily after every blink. I took two steps, but then stopped, frowning a little to myself. Was that music? I followed the sounds of a piano solo coming from my brother's room and paused just outside of Leo's door, leaning my shoulder against the door frame while I watched him silently.

Leo was sitting on the edge of his bed, a small red radio held in his hands, his fingers twiddling with the single knob. He was frowning, his blank eyes staring up at the ceiling while he twisted the knob around, searching for something that he wanted to listen to. His fingers turned the knob a little to the left and static drowned out whatever song he had managed to coax out of the radio. Leo's frown deepened and I saw a vein bulge on his forehead as he twisted the knob back to the right. The static got louder and he impatiently turned the knob further, searching for that single station he'd been able to find. I could see the muscles in his jaw bunch and release with his frustration as his search turned out to be fruitless.

"You want some help?" I offered stepping into the room.

Leo twitched a little but otherwise seemed unsurprised by my presence. He'd probably heard me coming. His other senses, trying to compensate for his lack of sight, had been enhanced leaving him much more sensitive to sound and smell. He could often tell who was coming into his room by the way we walked. He said nothing as I approached the bed, I reached down and gently plucked the red radio out of his hands and turned the knob slowly to the left, going much slower than he had as I searched for one of the three stations we could actually get down here that wasn't drowned out by the static.

On my third turn the music once again began to filter through the static, and with another slight twist the static disappeared.

'I know he's livin' in Hell every single day.

So I ask oh God is there some for me to take his place...?'

Leo snatched the radio back from me quickly and twisted the knob again drowning the words out with the static once more. He scowled at the ceiling while the muscles in his jaw bunched.

"You ok, Leo?"

Leo's shoulders stiffened and a muscle in his jaw twitched. I sighed and massaged the back of my neck gingerly for a minute. It was obvious that he wanted to be left alone, I don't think he'd realized that I was upstairs until he'd heard me at the door, he'd been so focused on making the stupid radio work that he hadn't been as observant as he normally was.

"If you need anything..." I started letting the offer trail off. I knew it was a wasted effort, Leo never asked for anything anymore. It didn't mean that he still didn't need things, he just preferred to get them himself, act as though nothing had changed. I turned away and walked slowly out of his room, as if a part of me was hoping he'd call me back, would open up to me, would let me know how bad he was hurting. He didn't.

As I turned down the hall to head to my own room and my awaiting bed I heard the unmistakable sound of plastic hitting brick and then the static faded into nothingness.


A/N: I know this chapter is a little shorter than my usual - but I wanted to get this posted before this weekend as I will be busy with my husband's birthday. I will try and get another chapter written and posted next week.

I'd like to say thank you for the reviews I got for the last chapter, since I do seem to have a few people interested in this story I will continue to work on it and will see this one through to the end. Thank you for the support it means a lot to me and I appreciate it.

Lyrics are from Permanent by David Cook