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THE HAND YOU'RE DEALT

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I do not own Katekyo Hitman REBORN, I do however own this story and the characterisation of Agatha.

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SIOFC!Gokudera, Slash/het... Kinda? I was a mind that remembered more than one life. Physically born as a boy, mentally reawakened as a woman. I am Gokudera Hayato, please call me Aya.

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CHAPTER THREE
Mortification

I wanted to drown myself.

I – I snapped and said all those horrible things – I cried – I even... Oh god, I even resigned myself to dying. No I let – I didn't want to move when I saw all of the explosives around me. I was fast enough to escape them. I could have gotten far enough away that the explosion would have been nothing more than a shockwave that knocked me over, or let me jump further if I timed it right. But... I hadn't wanted to.

I ducked down in the hot bathwater. Dunking my whole head under, squeezing my eyes shut, and holding my breath. Trying to block the memories of that horrible afternoon out of my head.

The whole situation had gotten me wound up right from the word go. I knew when I was being used, so many fucking years of it had given me a sixth sense, I couldn't sleep last night. I just kept stewing over it. I was in a foul mood by the time I reached Namimori Middle yesterday. I planned on giving Sawada a good scare for his money, make it look like I was going to try and kill him like Reborn ordered, throw around a few dynamite, and then leave. Make it clear that Reborn should lose my contact details as soon as we had settled on payment, see if I couldn't vanish into Tokyo and make my own way in life. If anything I could get away with teaching music, or English as a foreign language, even Italian, or Mandarin, or even Russian – with how intelligent Hayato was in the canon, I made a point of studying my ass off, if only so I could live up to him in memory, in some small way. I had, after all, stolen his life. If that didn't work, I could always return to China, there was a place for me there, tenuous as it was.

But the longer I spent talking to him, manipulating him into letting his guard down, the more bitter I felt. The more irritated that this soft, trusting, careless creature was so willingly letting his guard down around someone from the Mafia, someone he didn't know, simply because they presented a harmless, almost nice, façade toward him. It made me angry. Because I had fallen for that as well. And came off all the worse for it.

Then Reborn showed up and had the gall to try and – my lungs burned and I surfaced from the bath, gasping for air.

He picked me apart.

The longer I spent with them the more hopeless and helpless I felt, the angrier I was, until... it wasn't even them that I was seeing in front of me. But it was the faces of all those men and women who turned away from me. Until it was my father, the Famiglias, him, until I just stopped caring and wanted to hurt them. I didn't care who they were, that it was Sawada Tsunayoshi, who had nothing to do with the Mafia beyond a blood relation he didn't even acknowledge, or the Sun Arcobaleno Reborn, who could quite easily squash me like a bug. I just wanted to hurt them.

Hurt them like I had been hurt. I didn't even care if I got myself killed. In fact... it would have been all the better.

I had completely gone off on one. Dumped my life's story on them like some tantrum throwing melodramatic emo Princess. Bitching about how hard her life was when there were a hundred, a thousand, a million other boys and girls her age and younger suffering even more than I could imagine. 'You can't understand me – I'm so tortured and depressed because I'm a special and unique snowflake'. I wanted to crawl into a hole, looking back at that fight.

And then Sawada had just -

I dunked myself back under the water and covered my face with my hands, already feeling the blush burning across my cheeks.

He just blew through everything.

The rage, the hate, the hurt. He shut it all down like a knife through hot butter.

I told him everything, almost, and he just... it didn't matter, he didn't care. He knew I had all the anatomy and equipment of a man, yet my brain, my thought-processes and responses were all female and he just... didn't care. It didn't matter. All of a sudden, everything... I... I didn't know what to think. I still don't.

How could it not matter?

My whole life it had mattered.

And suddenly... it just didn't?

I felt... lost.

My gender difficulties had never been something of an issue for myself. It was just a thing. I knew what was wrong, what caused it, why I felt the way I did. I was a female mind, in a male body. Aggie had been very settled in and of herself at twenty six when she died, and yes, there was confusion, upset, discomfort, and all those other ugly tangled emotions when she found herself as a five year old little boy. But she had, had years to figure it out afterwards. At least until Shamal happened. That was all there was to it, and for me? There was no argument about whether or not I was to act female, or act male. I was going to be myself. I was going to wear whatever the hell I wanted, speak however I wanted, act like me. I was both and yet neither. Having a male body didn't matter to me beyond how uncomfortable it felt at times – the bonuses being no more wasting as much money on bras (it felt weird to go without, plus the nicest panties came with bra sets so, why not?), or having to worry about periods and cramps. The downsides being the random erections for no discernible reason (groin guards were a life-saver), the hair that grew unlike anything (thank god that I inherited most of my mother's genetics, I didn't have to worry about hair on my chest or back, or even having it be particularly thick, but still, goddamn, it grew fast, yeti legs like you wouldn't believe after a few days without shaving), and having body odour being a lot more noticeable.

But for everyone else... It was huge. Earth-shattering. Everyone had an opinion on it, everyone had something to say, everyone cared. And not in a good way. Unanimously. Unanimously, they thought it made me lesser, made me inhuman, subhuman, scum. Not worth the air I breathed. It got me stabbed, it got me beaten. I went cold, hungry, I bled, and cried, and cradled my bruises. I took a blade to my arm just so I could feel like I had some control in my life, just so I could let out my pain, my anger. So I could focus on something that wasn't the hurt and loneliness, that gnawing betrayal and growing self-loathing that churned in my gut. I suppose it affected me a great deal more because as Aggie, I had never really treated badly, and now, suddenly, I was the focus of such vitriolic disgust and hatred. It was pretty traumatising.

I surfaced and rubbed at my face again.

I was still embarrassed about earlier, but I was getting dizzy and light headed from being in the bath for too long – and dunking myself in there in order to hide from my embarrassment.

"You chose a nice place, Gokudera Hayato."

I screamed.

And promptly ducked down into the water up to my chin, knees drawn up and hands over my chest so all he could see were the tops of my knees and my head.

"REBORN! GET OUT!" I screeched, grabbing the near-by wash cloth and lobbing it at him.

"What's the problem? You have nothing I haven't seen before," the Arcobaleno pointed out, grinning as he ducked the towel.

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT YOU SEEING IT, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!" I bellowed, throwing the washing bucket at him next.

"Ano, Gokudera-san? Is everything alright?" one of the Ryokan stewardesses enquired from outside – they were all aware that I had privacy concerns and attended the baths when no one else did because of them, but they were polite enough to respect that.

"I-it – I just – I think he's gone now. I'm sorry for disturbing everyone. There was a peeper," I called back, glaring at the little Arcobaleno whose grin widened even further.

"Ah, how terrible! I'm so sorry, Gokudera-san! I will inform the management immediately!" the stewardess exclaimed and quickly bustled off. Not surprising. If there was a peeping tom spying on their customers then no one would want to use their facilities, they would lose business.

"You – just turn around so I can get out, asshole," I hissed, blushing hard as the Arcobaleno did just that. I eyed him suspiciously and grabbed my towel wrapping it around me as I climbed out – not letting him get a look at anything, even by accident, or on purpose if he really were looking. Of all things – some gentleman, feh. Creepy pervert. Surely he was in his fifties by this point, what the hell was he doing creeping into the bath when he knew an underage individual was currently naked and bathing? He had to have been at least his late twenties, early thirties when he was first an Arcobaleno. Ergo, when Luce gave birth. Aria passed away in the intervening years between canon and Ten-Years-Later with Byakuran roughly between her mid-twenties to early thirties. Yuni supposedly travelled back in time.

A fifty year old man sneaking into the baths. Ugh.

Wait.

Hadn't Cornello joined Kyoko in the bath once?

That disgusting little rat! She was thirteen!

I stepped back into the changing area and dressed in my yukata and underwear quickly, leaving my hair piled on top of my head in the towel as I slid open the door and returned to my room – a public bath hall was no place for whatever conversation Reborn wanted. And of course, he was sat waiting for me on my own futon.

"You have no manners," I complained as I closed and locked the door behind me. "What do you want?" I asked as I sat down at the low table and poured myself a cup of the pomegranate green tea I requested earlier. Grudgingly, I poured him one as well, Aggie was raised with manners, thank you very much.

Reborn sat opposite me and took a sip of his tea, expression twitching a little in surprise before he took a second sip and set the cup down, "To talk about what happened earlier today," he admitted and I couldn't help the flush that crawled across my face as I looked away, out of the window, that irritating fluttery feeling back in the pit of my stomach.

"I will contact my third party tomorrow and have them destroy the letter," I assured him in a small voice, guessing that he was going to rip into me about that little fail-safe of mine.

"Thank you. But it wasn't just that. Payment, as well as what happens next, needs to be discussed," he pointed out bluntly, and I couldn't help but hunch in on myself defensively. Here it came. The 'Get out of town or I'll put a bullet in your head' ultimatum. "In terms of payment, you're quite correct in that the Vongola would never accept an Outsider becoming their Tenth Generation's head. I've already contacted the Nono, and payment, not only of your travel expenses and accommodation, but also the cost of equipment used and the services rendered have been totalled. Finance just needs your details before an Invoice can be issued," he explained as he slid over a slip of paper with a list.

Plane Flight - £3,000
Taxi fare - £80
Accommodation (three weeks) - £750
Equipment: Standard Grade C Dynamite x30 - £360
Standard Grade A Shrapnel Dynamite x10 - £500
Services rendered (Combat and Psychological testing of Decimo Candidate ST) - £1000

Total: £5690

I nodded at the list, it sounded reasonable. As odd as it sounded, the Flame Active Famiglias worked in Pounds Sterling more often than they did in US-Dollars, or even the Euro, simply because its value in the Underground did not change drastically – unlike the Euro, which never got a foothold, and the Dollar which changed more often than a prostitute did her underwear.

"Do you have a pen?" I asked and accepted the Leon-Fountain pen handed to me without comment. I quickly scribbled the details of an empty bank account I set up for payments such as this (I would have it moved quickly enough at a later date into my real bank account). I slid the paper back over and Leon returned to his normal form in my hand – I couldn't stop myself from petting him a little bit before I handed him back, he was so cute, even if his eyes were creepily moving in different directions.

"As for today," Reborn began, only to cut himself off as I lifted a hand.

"You don't have to say anything. I'll be gone by the end of my stay here. I won't corrupt your student," I told him with a bitter twist of my mouth.

"I'm afraid, you're part of Tsuna's Family now. You can't just up and leave," the Sun Arcobaleno pointed out reasonably as he sipped his tea. I, however, flinched as if he shot a bullet in my direction.

"Don't toy with me, Reborn. We both know that the Vongola wouldn't tolerate someone like me near their last true heir," I reminded him quietly.

"One of Xanxus's top operatives is very similar to you," he reminded me, Lussuria.

I scoffed, "Xanxus is no more related to the Nono than I am. And Lussuria is nothing like me in terms of mentality. He doesn't have a different gender to his sex. He simply enjoys being camp and effeminate," I pointed out softly. I could have gone at length into character analysis, typically about offensive cultural stereotyping (and let's face it, Lussuria is nothing but an offensive stereotype, at least in the comic. Perhaps he was more developed in this reality?), but that would reveal far too much personal information that I shouldn't have had access to.

Reborn leaned back in his seat, "So you don't believe Xanxus is related to the Nono?" he questioned curiously.

I scoffed, "He's about as brutal as the Secundo, just as short tempered, and even wields the same Flame. His concern is for the Vongola and the Vongola alone. In terms of leadership, most would consider him ideal. He has the training, he has the know how, even if he doesn't have the attitude. But being the Top Hitman, as well as Independent Home Tutor, you could have quite easily beaten that out of him. So why didn't Nono ask you to? Simple, he knows the Vongola rings will reject him. He doesn't have the bloodline. He cannot lead. Hence why he's throwing all his hopes onto Tsuna. Though why he doesn't kick Iemitsu in the head and tell him to sack up and take some responsibility instead of offloading it onto his son who wants to remain a civilian, I will never know."

I sipped my drink, really, if any of these Mafioso used an ounce of common sense, so many of their stupid little problems and secrets would be easily resolved. Logic dictates, thus reason must follow. It wasn't rocket science!

"If the Nono has any issue with your presence, I'll vouch for you," Reborn suddenly declared, and I very nearly choked on my drink. Having to set it down and cough into my hand.

"I – I beg your pardon?" I coughed, flabbergasted.

Reborn sipped his drink lazily, watching me with a coal bright eye, "If the Nono has issue with your presence around Sawada Tsunayoshi, I will vouch for you. It wasn't my intention for you to join the Family when I called you here, but the fact that Tsuna himself reached out for you is telling enough." I went scarlet as memories of the afternoon flooded back, and I practically had to hide my face in my sleeves. Oh god, it was so embarrassing! (And even worse was that I couldn't help but think Tsuna had... actually been kind of cool. AND THAT FELT WRONG! I was a woman well into her thirties now with all the cumulative years I had! It – ugh!) "You have the intelligence, the combat prowess, and the drive. You've seen the worst the Mafia has to offer, and the best. You can guide Tsuna on his own level and aid him in ways that I can't. Tsuna has already given you the acceptance you crave. Why would you want to leave?" Reborn asked.

Because there was a very high chance I would die? Because my sister would be arriving soon? Because you would call Shamal over eventually to deal with the onset of Tsuna's Skullitis? Because of the VARIA ring battles around the corner? Being forced to tangle with almost all of the Arcobaleno? Getting dragged into their business? Rokudo Mukurou? The Millefiore? The Shimon?

"Because... I don't want to be betrayed again," I finally said, not looking up as I stared down at my tea. Reborn reached over and patted my hand.

"You won't be. Tsuna isn't that kind of guy."

No. I suppose he wasn't.

000

I looked like an idiot.

I was stood outside the door to Class 1-A, shifting from foot to foot, too nervous to actually walk in. I could hear Nezu-sensei handing out the test results from yesterday but I – Tsuna was in there. I – I couldn't go in. My face was burning.

I had come in early this morning and gone to the office to speak with one of the Senseis. Since I was a foreign National I was ineligible for the Student Bursary, I was paying for everything out of my own pocket. Which meant I needed a part-time job. Explaining my circumstances to my Senseis, in particular that I was estranged from my father, and thus had no financial support, I hoped to apply for permission to work part-time after school hours, in order to afford accommodation and food. They were a little wary, Japan was very education conscious, however, the simple fact that I actually needed the job in order to avoid becoming homeless and starving to death swayed them into giving me permission. By the time the paperwork was filled out, a note made in my record, first period had already begun.

Thus leaving me here. Stood outside 1-A, trying to scrape together the courage to walk into the same room as the boy I tried to kill yesterday.

Embarrassed was not a strong enough word for what I currently felt.

But I knew that if I lurked around here long enough a member of the Disciplinary Committee would catch me, and getting flirted at was not want I particularly wanted to deal with today. Never mind if it were Hibari and he decided I needed to be bitten to death. A fight was also not what I wanted to deal with today. I was still an emotional mess from yesterday.

I could hear laughter and took a deep breath.

You're a grown ass woman, Aya. Suck it up and stop being such a little bitch.

I opened the door and stepped inside before I lost my nerve.

"Hey! You're late, Young Lady! What're you doing coming in at this time?" Nezu-sensei snapped from the front of the class, slamming his hand on the desk.

I grimaced, teachers had a hard enough job as it was without delinquents interrupting, however, given what I knew about this man, I had very little respect for him to begin with. "My apologies, Sensei. I was in the main office sorting out some last minute paperwork with Ine-sensei," I explained with a short bow, "I apologise for my tardiness."

Nezu grumbled but let me go to my seat – downside was that as all the seats were alphabetical... I had to pass Tsuna in order to get to my seat. I felt my cheeks flush as I ducked my head and marched past him, unable to look at him.

But – that was unfair. To him especially. I couldn't just ignore him. Not after yesterday.

I had tried to kill him.

So...

I turned around, and, still without looking at him, I bowed formally at the waist, "I'm sorry for yesterday, Sawada-san," I managed to get out, ignoring the whispers that erupted around me as I quickly retreated to my desk, desperately wishing the ground with rise and swallow me whole. I could have timed that better. Why had I decided to do that right then? Couldn't it have waited until after class, somewhere private? No – I wouldn't have been able to escape afterwards.

I swallowed and continued my work, keeping my head down and determinedly not looking in Sawada's direction. I was mortified.

The moment the bell rung for the end of class I was out.

I bought several snacks at the Vending Machines and sat quietly next to the bike-sheds, where it was quiet, to eat them before retreating to the library where I would hopefully not be bothered by gossip mongers, or Hitmen.

It was too much to hope for though. I managed to find a Chemistry book that looked interesting, and get myself comfortable on one of the seats and then suddenly Reborn was peering over my shoulder and commenting on how my reading material seemed to be below my level. Well of course it was. However, this one was about chemical compounds and how they mixed. Ergo, potential ideas for explosives using different chemicals and compounds found in regular places. Such as cleaning supplies, medicines, etc, etc.

"You're avoiding Dame-Tsuna, why?" the Arcobaleno finally asked, a sly glint in his eye suggesting that he already had a pretty fair idea as to why. I flushed again, slouching down in my seat as I stared down at the Japanese characters with more interest than a textbook of this level would warrant.

"I... It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed. After yesterday. I can't look him in the eye," I admitted covering my face with both hands, feeling my face flame with mortification.

The Sun Arcobaleno smirked and hopped over my shoulder to land in my lap, "It's not surprising. You seem to be particularly weak to Sky Attraction. Not uncommon in individuals who have been rejected by society," he explained, making me frown in confusion. Sky Attraction? The hell was that?

"What?"

Dark eyes craned up to stare at me as he flipped through one of the pages in my chemistry book, "Sky Attraction. You're weak to it," he repeated, as if it made a single lick of sense.

But... thinking about it...

"So... Because Tsuna has a Sky Flame... I feel like this?" I asked warily. There was nothing mentioned about it in the manga, and That Person never mentioned it either and they were the one who taught me about Flames, the basics. Was this a more high-level thing? If so, how was Tsuna, who couldn't even touch his Dying Will without Reborn's assistance, doing it?

Reborn hummed, "You're unfamiliar with the make-up of a Famiglia, aren't you? I'm surprised. Given how your sister was Scouted to be a Guardian to one of Nono's sons, I would have assumed you were included on her lessons," he admitted, making me freeze up. There had been lessons that Bianchi had attended that I wasn't allowed to listen in on. Which, again, wasn't unusual. I was a full three years younger than her, and I was being groomed to live a civilian life, all mafia business was spoken in undertones over my head, or behind my back. My father wanted me as unaware of it as possible. At least until Shamal let loose my secret.

"Bianchi was being taught how to use her Flame?" I asked curiously. Perhaps that was why her mind began to fracture? She was too young, not yet ready? Or did she have a secondary Mist Attribute that messed with her perception of the world around her? It would explain how she turned everything around her to Poison Cooking even though she hadn't touched it. I knew she was Storm from the manga volumes I had read, but if Hayato could have multiple Flame resonations, why couldn't Bianchi? Mist Flames were all about altering perception, Aggie had theorised idly that Classical Mist users, such as Mukurou, lied to the world around them, while polarized users like Kyoko and Nana lied to themselves. Perhaps Bianchi had lied to herself?

"Sky Attraction is the pull, between a Sky and their Guardians," Reborn explained, hopping out of his place in my lap (and really, it took a lot of effort not to shove him off). "Flame Actives are a lot more instinctive than normal humans. Instinctively, those with the potential to use their Flames will be drawn to Tsuna, like sharks to the smell of fresh blood." I grimaced at the... colourful, analogy. He couldn't have just used 'moths to the flame', could he? He was a Hitman after all. "It's why Tsuna has such a bully problem. They're drawn to him, but he rejects them. But they keep coming back because they're still drawn to him. In your case, he reached for you. What you're feeling is the desire to join him. It isn't sexual attraction, but your Flame, your instincts, you want to be at his side to protect him. He gives you a place to belong as a Sky, and as a Storm, you protect him from that which would cause harm. Just like yesterday," he added with a grin as I grimaced thinking back on those perverted Seniors.

But still. None of this stuff was explained in the Manga.

"You haven't told this to Tsuna, have you?" I asked, guessing that he hadn't.

Reborn shook his head, confirming it. "Tsuna is very much like my last student, the now Head of the Cavallone. When I told Dino, he panicked, believing that he was putting his Guardians under some form of Flame based Mind Control. He very nearly rejected his Flame and sealed himself. We cannot risk the same thing happening to Tsuna, whose Flame has already been sealed before as a child. If he rejected his Flame, he would end up like his mother, or worse."

Hmm... Given how Tsuna was the last of the Vongola bloodline... Unless Iemitsu stepped up, but that was unlikely. Though I could see him 'suggesting' to Nana that Tsuna would benefit from having a younger sibling if that happened. Bastard. Like his mother or worse though? Did that mean Nana had a sealed Flame too?

"I'll explain everything to you properly later tonight. I informed Maman that I would be bringing a guest to dinner tonight, so you'd better show up," he added with a narrow stare at me.

I froze, and blanched.

Dinner?

At – at Tsuna's?

I shook my head, "I – I – "

Reborn rolled his eyes and tugged on a strand of my hair, "You'll be fine. Tsuna doesn't care about what you have in your panties. Just that you're his friend. Stupid Student. Just come. Eat. Talk. Or sit in the corner. Either way, as long as you're there," he told me flatly, giving my hair another tug before jumping over my shoulder and vanishing.

I shuddered.

I was doomed.

000

Hee, I never pegged this character to be so adorable. But she is. Fuckin' hell.