Chapter Three: What the Hell?
Trinity wakes up and is greeted by the sight of a bright sunny sky and green trees. She sits up. "What the hell?" She looks around her and spots an unconscious Vicki several feet away. "Vicki!" She scrambles over to her and shakes the girl. "Vicki, wake up!"
The girl blurrily blinks her eyes open. "Trinity." She sits up and looks around. "Where are we? What happened to the fire? Where is everyone?"
Trinity helps her up and wraps her arms around her, this time the girl doesn't try to pull away from her touch but embraces her just as tight. "I don't know. I don't know what happened and I don't know where we are but we have to find everyone else." She pulls back just enough to look at Vicki's face. "Are you okay?"
She nods. "I'm fine. Are you?"
"I'm good too."
Vicki pulls away from her and turns around. "Do you hear that?"
"Voices." Trinity says. Vicki takes off and she follows after her.
Vicki stumbles out of the bushes and sees Chris and Max. "That was the scariest thing I have ever seen." She pulls leaves from her hair.
"You're alive!" Gertie rushes towards Max, Duncan walks behind her. "Oh, thank God!
"What does poison ivy look like? Because I think I got…uh…"
"Help me."
Max looks towards the dirt path. "Guys somebody's coming." Everyone stares in wonder as a familiar yellow VW heads towards them. Their eyes widen when the van comes to a stop and two characters from the movie look at them.
The girl in the passenger seat smiles at them. "Hey, do you guys know the way to Camp Blue Finch?
"Tina!" Duncan slaps his hand over his mouth.
She looks at him. "Yeah?" She is met with silence and dumbfounded gazes. Tina turns to Kurt and shares a look. He nods and drives off.
"Oh my God." Max exhales. "I'm having a psychotic episode."
"We all saw the same thing, right?" Vicki asks.
Chris looks at her. "Maybe it's a dream. A collective dream.
"If this is a dream, then there's a very strong chance that my dad's going to come up to us naked and offer us some pecan pie." Duncan looks at the group. "But don't take any. It is not pecan pie." Gertie keels over and vomits. "Oh."
92 Minutes Later
Everyone treks through the woods with tired feet.
"Maybe we're dead and this is heaven." Gertie says.
"This can't be heaven. Max is here and she's Jewish." Vicki tells her.
"Oh, right. Well, maybe it's Jewish heaven."
"My idea of heaven isn't walking for hours in woods that never seem to end." Trinity says. "Oh my God, maybe it's like Lost."
"Look!" Max says. Everyone turns and follows her gaze. The same car from earlier makes its way towards them
"Hey, do you guys know the way to Camp Blue Finch?" Tina asks.
Gertie raises her hands to her face in horror. "Uh, yeah." Chris says and points down the road. "You just…keep going the way you're…going."
"Oh, wow, okay. Thanks so much." They drive off.
"We're not dead." Gertie watches the car disappear down the road. "We're insane!"
"No, we're not. And I don't think we're in the Valley anymore." Duncan sets the timer on his watch.
Another 92 Minutes Later
Max holds her phone up. "Is anybody getting any bars?"
"No." Everyone grumbles from their seats on the log.
"Eight, seven, six, five…" Duncan snaps his fingers and the van from earlier appears down the road, driving towards them.
"Hey, do you guys know the way to Camp Blue Finch?" Tina asks.
"Yeah." Duncan tells her. "Actually we're counselors, and we can show you if you'd just give us a ride."
"Oh, rad!" Tina nods towards the back door. "Yeah, hop in."
"Tubular!" Duncan smiles.
Chris leans over to look at him. "Dude, what are you doing?"
"Do we have a choice?" Duncan asks quietly. "We're kind of…stuck. Let's go." He stands up, pulling Gertie with him, and opens the backdoor of the van.
"Max." She says, wanting her friend to follow her.
Trinity follows them and Vicki scoffs, following after them as well. She turns and looks at Max and Chris, who have no moved from their seats on the log. "Come on guys!" Max and Chris look at each other in trepidation.
Tina rests her head on her folded hands. "You guys coming?
Tina smiles at the group in the back. "I can't believe you guys are counselors, too. We've never had this many before. When the kids get here next week they're gonna be so pumped."
"Hey, where are you guys' suitcases?" Kurt asks. "Because, honestly, your clothes," he grimaces and looks in the rearview mirror. "they're disgusting."
"Says the guy in the crop top." Trinity and Vicki whisper in unison, sharing an awkward look before looking away from each other.
"What's up?" Kurt asks, not having heard what they said. "Are you guys poor people? Are you guys' poor?"
"Uh…we packed light." Duncan nods, noticing Vicki and Trinity's irritation towards Kurt. "Yeah."
"Mmm-hmm." Gertie nods in agreement.
"What did you pack, Tina?" Duncan asks.
"The basics; bikini, mouthwash, diaphragm."
Duncan mouths the last word and chuckles. "Hell, yeah you did." The girls' faces scrunch and Gertie looks at her step brother in disgust. "'Cause they're gonna get so naked."
Tina looks at him in awe. "How did you know?"
"Spring break, forever." He sing-songs.
"Hey, guys, we're here!" Kurt announces.
"Whoo!" Tina cheers.
Kurt looks into the rearview mirror. "Somebody wake up Sleeping Beauty back there."
"Mmm." They hear a voice groan. Everyone slowly turns and stares in shock as Max's mom wakes up. "Are we there yet?" She opens the curtain and turns around, noticing the new company. "Oh, hi!" she smiles. "I'm Nancy. What's your name?"
Tears fill the girl's eyes. "Max."
Nancy tilts her head. "First time away from home? It's okay. It's hard to be away from your parents, huh?"
A tear rolls down Max's face and she looks away.
As the van comes towards the entrance Tina leans out the window. "Best summer ever! Whoo!"
The van pulls to a stop and everyone gets out. Tina dances around to the music on her Walkman. Kurt goes around back and lets out Nancy, who pulls her guitar out with her.
Duncan looks around. "Oh! Yes!" He says quietly.
"Whew." Nancy looks around and smiles. "Well, kiddo, this is the summer that's going to change your life."
"No kidding." Max whispers as she gets out of the van, watching Nancy walk away.
Blake walks by with his boom box. "Hey, Nance, that guitar is choice."
She smiles and glances at her guitar. "Thanks, Blake. Bitching hair."
"Ah." He nods and they share a laugh.
"Okay. So, we're in the movie." Duncan says.
"Uh-huh. How do we get out of here?" Max asks.
Gertie points at her. "Yeah, I like that question. That's a really, really good question. Duncan, can you answer that question, please?" She rushes out.
"What are you talking about?" He chuckles. "It's 1986! Our homes don't exist yet. They're probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions. We don't exist yet. I know for a fact my parents haven't met because…I was an unplanned child."
A girl in a yellow dress walks by. "Anyone wanna help me pick some strawberries?"
"No," Kurt says, looking her up and down. "but I'll give you a hand with those melons." He looks at the group. "Talking about her boobs! You guys get me, right?"
"Yeah, we do, brother." They share a laugh. Kurt grabs his luggage from the van and walks away. Duncan turns to the group. "Kurt is insatiable. Um, okay," Duncan claps his hands. "so Mimi's in the woods, that means everything is right on schedule.
"She hooks up with that hiker." Max says.
"But then she gets killed right?" Gertie asks.
"Yeah, exactly. Everyone who has sex in this movie dies. It's awesome."
Max looks over to Nance, who stands near the picnic table with Kurt.
"I got into bodybuilding big time." He rests his arm on his knee and flexes.
"Yeah." She smiles. "Oh, my God, can I touch it?"
"Yeah, touch it."
She lays a hand on his bicep. "Ow, wow.
"The back sides just as hard." He puts his arm down. "Touch the backside."
"That's right." Max whispers. "Everyone."
Vicki nods to herself. "I'm with Gertie on this one. Let's just take their van and bail. What do we have to lose?"
"Yeah, did I say that?" Gertie asks, but moves along as well. "I did? Okay."
"We actually probably shouldn't talk to them." Duncan calls after Vicki as he and Trinity follow after her.
"If we have to talk to anyone, does it really have to be this tool?" Trinity asks.
Kurt stretches his arm and looks up as Vicki approaches. "Oh! What's up, funbags?"
"Funbags." Vicki's hand falls to her side. "Right. Yay, feminism." She looks at Kurt's cheesing face. "Listen, we need to borrow your van for a little while. Is that okay? Yeah?"
He sucks air through his teeth. "I don't know. What's in it for me?"
"How about my friends don't kick your ass?"
Kurt looks at a flustered Duncan and burst into laughter. "Oh!" he points to Duncan. "This guy's your friend? Yeah, right. You want to go.
"No, no." Duncan smiles. "God, no."
"Bicep," Kurt brings his arm up. "smash. And that would kill you. That's a karate technique."
"No, I don't. I've never actually fought anyone before in my life."
"Yeah, well, I have. So many times." Duncan looks at him doubtfully. "Seven times."
"Hey, will you…this is so weird. Do me a favor and just zing me. Just get me."
"Fine. How about you…" He looks away before looking back to Duncan. "go suck a turd?"
Duncan chuckles to conceal his groan. "The writing is so bad."
"Okay, tell you what." Kurt pulls the keys out of his pocket and holds the up. "You find the keys and the van's yours." He pulls his arm back and throws the keys far into the woods. He turns back to them and feigns disappointment. "Oops."
Vicki stares into the woods, flabbergasted. "Really?"
"I'm going to curb stomp your fu-" Trinity steps forward but Gertie grabs her and pulls her back.
"I'm glad that you die." Vicki says.
"What?" Kurt asks.
"Nothing!" Duncan covers. "What she meant to say was that we all die eventually. Technically, we start dying the moment we're born."
Kurt rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right."
"Yes, but not to overwhelm you…"
"Okay, I like you when you were laughing at my jokes. Now, I just think you're weird."
"Okay, let's just go get the…" Duncan ushers the girls away. "Sorry, let's go get the keys."
