Disclaimer: NOTHING in this chapter is against any one person or persons--it is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously. That being said- Twilight isn't ours , but Emmett's one liners, Jasper's beanbag and Edward's OCD tendencies belong to us.

[ Edward ]

Jacob Black can kiss my ass. The level of animosity I held for him was bad enough to make my eye twitch and my blood pressure rise to a completely dangerous level. I reminded myself that I knew it wasn't true and took a deep breath.

Anyone who called themselves a real fan knew that Bella Swan would never go for someone like Jacob-fucking-Black. I swear to God that kid couldn't pass a window without trying to find his reflection in it. I had even seen an interview where he was actually trying to fix his hair in the reflection of the interviewer's sunglasses.

Jacob would do anything to get his name out there. I mean, he worked out in the fucking parking lot of their last movie for Christ's sake. The only reason you would work out from the back of your fucking car, in a parking lot accessible to the media, would be so people would take pictures, post it on the internet, and then listen as people went on and on about how fucking 'perfect' you are. I swear to God, it was like some people couldn't tell where Jacob started and James ended. Plus, Jacob always had this look on his face that I referred to as his 'stinkeye,'—it was always on his face and made him look like a fucking douchebag.

Calm the fuck down Edward, I repeated to myself as I slowly took a breath and felt my shoulders relax.

Bella was the complete opposite of him. She was low key, had a quirky sense of humor and didn't really seem to give a fuck about her appearance. Personally, I thought she was breathtakingly beautiful, almost to the point that it hurt to look at her because of the dull ache it left in my heart. But others constantly made remarks about her hair being 'too unkempt 'or her clothes being 'slouchy.' Did they not understand that she just didn't give a shit? She didn't care if people liked what she wore or how she did her hair. It was one of the most enchanting things about her.

Without even trying she had sent half the country into a frenzy to buy plaid shirts and Ray Ban Wayfarers. In less time than it took Michael Jackson to 'invent himself,' Bella Swan had become a trademark all her own without even trying; she was her own self and refused to give in to the standard Hollywood prototype.

Besides, everyone knew that the only way Bella Swan dated was if her best friend Jessica Stanley approved. The two of them were connected at the hip, and in a lot of ways since Bella had become famous, Jessica acted as some sort of body guard. Sure, Jessica had her own career to hang on to, but no matter what level of celebrity the other one rose to, they remained close, almost in a weird way. They had a tendency to mirror one another and even at times share clothes. That led to rumors of them being a couple; but again, rumors were just rumors until proven true—just like this bullshit with Bella and Jacob.

Refusing to even continue reading this crap that AngelsHonor called fanfiction, I took the remaining pages and threw them in the trash. It had been a waste of time to even bother looking at it; all it had done was given her more hits than she deserved. I might have to write a rather strongly-worded review about how sensationalized her shit really was, though, because it was getting out of hand.

I took the magazine Jasper had gotten and started cutting out the pictures of Bella with my scissors. The article itself was crap, as were the pictures of 'stink eye' Jacob. Once all the pictures were cut out, I put them in a manila envelope, labeled it with the date of publication, and put them in my filing cabinet.

"You might as well go ahead and scan them in Edward. We know you do it," Emmett teased as he flipped through the rest of the pages I had already given him.

"You know what I don't understand is, why do they put some of the lamest shit in these fanfics? I mean, do we really care that Jane's iPod is a 'deep blue' or that Bella Swan preferred to ride Jacob bareback as opposed to using a condom?" He asked Jasper, but I knew he was purposely trying to get a rise out of me.

Jasper threw one of his discarded boots towards Emmett's chair and I ignored him altogether. He could make fun of me all he wanted for scanning the pictures into my computer and then enlarging them for maximum viewing potential. He knew I had shit on him, too, and I was only biding my time until I could bust that shit wide open. Me scanning in pictures was nothing compared to what I knew he had ordered from Café Press.

"Keep it up, asshole, and you might just be sorry." I glared at him over the top of my monitor and he immediately shut up.

That's what I thought.

Emmett could claim all he wanted that he didn't hide his obsession from anyone, but we all had our own little secrets. Jasper would secretly look up shit on Alice and Bella while he was at work. That wasn't so bad by itself, but the fact that he did it on other people's computers so that no one could trace it back to him was a little much. Not to mention the fact that his girlfriend thought he was going to the Carlisle's Angels movies to spend time with her, when in fact he was going so that he could catch a glimpse of Alice in a bikini beating the shit out of some guy.

Emmett liked to think that none of us knew he was secretly having 'cyber-relations' with some girl on Twitter named Hales_Angel that claimed to be Rosalie. He also liked to think that I hadn't overheard him calling a tattoo artist and asking how much it would be to get 'Hale yes' across one of his shoulders. He could keep on thinking we didn't know, but in fact we did.

I was pretty honest about my obsession. I openly admitted to people that FallenAngels was one of the top priorities in my life, and that finding out as much as I could in regards to the franchise and the actors was less of a hobby and more like a full-time a job. There were only a few things I tried to keep to myself. When Emmett was at work, I would pull out my Casio keyboard and write songs about and for Bella. My favorite, and in my opinion best, song was entitled 'My Beautiful Swan.' I had contemplated putting it up on YouTube, but had chickened out every time. I think it was less about actual fear and more about wanting to keep something that personal and special, private. If I ever had the chance, I would play it for Bella, no questions asked, and it would mean a hell of a lot more if it was kept between the two of us. Our little secret, I thought and smiled to myself while Jasper and Emmett continued arguing with each other.

"I just think that having Part Time Lover as your callback tone is a little trashy Emmett," Jasper grunted while trying to successfully roll out of the beanbag. "Not to mention that it just gives Stevie Wonder a bad rep."

"It's my theme song, bitch. Besides, if I give my number to some honey and she calls me and hears that, she knows how it is up front. The song is like a disclaimer: take it or leave it." Emmett handed Jasper his empty beer bottle as he walked past him, silently requesting a replacement.

"And you wonder why you are single," I mumbled under my breath, and got lucky enough that he hadn't heard me.

Emmett hadn't always been such a crude asshole. In fact, before that bitch Heidi had broken his heart, he was actually a decent guy. But when she left him high and dry during spring break in South Padre for his best friend, Emmett had gone from 'chill Emmett' to 'massively-offensive Emmett.' Had our mother been alive to see how he behaved sometimes, he would have a permanent imprint of her hand on the back of his head. Emmett coped with the break-up with an extensive amount of beer, cereal, and a new found obsession for none other than Rosalie Hale.

Becoming obsessed with her had literally been Emmett's saving grace. After I dragged him to the midnight showing, he started drinking less, sleeping normal hours, and had gotten a decent job. Because of that, Rosalie had Emmett wrapped around her little finger and she didn't even know it.

The phone next to me started ringing, and before I could even move an inch to answer it, Jasper was flying across the living room to check the caller ID. When he saw that it wasn't Ann, he gave a quick apology and handed me the phone.

I gave him a look that basically said 'grow a pair,' and answered the phone.

"Edward?" A female voice asked.

"Oh hey," I answered, leaning back in my chair and watching Emmett mouth the words 'who is it.' If I had told Emmett that Angela Weber was on the phone, he would have been out of this apartment in less than five seconds.

Angela was a fellow CA follower—she helped with the graphic design of the site as well as being the head moderator for the forum. She was also head over heels in love with Emmett and had been for the past two years.

When I turned my back on Emmett, he began asking Jasper who had been on the phone, but Jasper only laughed and ignored him.

"Hi! Listen I was just in the area and was wondering I there was any way I could swing by and drop off those manipulations you wanted?" Angela said in a very hopeful voice.

I couldn't help but smile; it was kind of cute that she would drive them all the way over here instead of just emailing them to me so she could see Emmett. I could have been a decent brother and lied and said we were all about to leave, or said yes and just met her down in the parking lot. I could have, but I didn't.

So with the most enthusiastic 'sure' I could muster, I invited her over. She said she would be there in about five minutes and hung up. Two point three seconds after I said good-bye, Emmett was demanding to know who would be coming over.

Again, I could have been a decent brother, but I lied and told him it was just Tyler dropping off some shit he needed me to work on for his new World of Warcraft website. Emmett seemed satisfied and went back to digging through the cabinets trying to find food.

"You know what sounds good? Cheese," he said after shutting the last of the cabinets.

"Just cheese?" Jasper asked as he again hit 'ignore' on his cell phone. I really wished he would just fess up to Ann about being over here all the time; telling her he was in love with Alice Brandon had to be easier than having to lie all the time.

"No I mean like cheese in general. Cheese on anything sounds good—mac and cheese, grilled cheese, cheese quesadillas, queso and chips, hell I would even take pimento cheese at this point." Emmett continued listing off things with any form of cheese that appealed to his stomach.

When a knock on the door came, Jasper and I just sat there. Emmett, obviously not expecting to be ambushed, opened the front door while a chunk of beef jerky stuck out the side of his mouth.

"Oh, hi Emmett!" Angela said in a high-pitched squeal, which, combined with the way she carried out the 'i' in hi so that it was longer than the entire sentence, made me snort with concealed laughter.

Emmett stood there like an ape looking at a math problem until he finally moved aside so that she could come in. Angela was a nice enough girl: a little geeky maybe, but it wasn't like any of us had room to talk. I actually wouldn't have been opposed to dating her myself, but I really couldn't see her as more than a friend. She was my go-to person for photoshopping pictures and making manipulations of pictures we already had.

"Hi, Angela," Jasper's good natured personality took over and the awkwardness of Angela staring at Emmett, and Emmett trying to ease his way into the back of the apartment, faded. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and after giving Emmett a 'grow the fuck up' look, led her over to the desks.

Emmett looked straight past Jasper to me and with his jaw set and his teeth clenched, he drew a finger across his throat in what I guessed was supposed to be a threatening manner. I just gave him my best shit-eating smile and turned my attention back to Angela.

"Jasper, I am really digging the facial hair," she laughed and tugged gently on the pathetic excuse of a beard Jasper had been trying to grow ever since he learned Alice Brandon didn't mind a little facial hair on her guy.

"Yeah, he is channeling Jesus," Emmett said after throwing himself into his chair so hard that it automatically reclined and the foot rest popped up. "Either that or one of those cavemen from the Geico commercials."

Ignoring Emmett as usual, I let Angela sit at my computer so she could upload her pictures.

"The fort is looking great," she said as she dropped her cell phone on the desk and got to work.

The 'fort' was our command post of sorts. It was three desks we had thrown side by side so all of us could work together instead of being spread out across the apartment. Well, that and I was tired of Emmett sticking gum under my desk when he didn't have his own. Emmett's side was covered with scantily clad pictures of Rosalie and a mountain of Starburst wrappers; he also had a pretty impressive pyramid made out of Red Bull cans.

Jasper's desk was much more organized, but he left pen caps that he had gnawed on sitting all over. He also opted for using an exercise ball as a chair instead of an actual chair, but it was constantly being switched out with the bean bag that he had mysteriously showed up with one day. When we asked him why a bean bag he simply asked us, 'why not?'

My desk was the epicenter of the entire operation—I had everything labeled by date and/or publication, and could pretty much tell you where or when a picture had been taken or when an interview had been given and by whom. As a joke, Angela had photoshopped a picture of Bella and me together and it was framed and sitting next to the monitor.

"How is the forum going, Angela?" Jasper asked in genuine interest after he once again hit ignore on his phone.

"Oh, it's really picking up again with all the VanCon talk going around." She twisted her hair around her finger and kept looking out of the corner of her eye at Emmet, who was texting away on his cell phone. If I had to guess, I would say he was probably sexing up his fake Rosalie on Twitter via his ChbbyWnkr screen name. Why anyone would want to have a screen name calling themselves chubby wanker is something I would never understand—and probably wouldn't ever want to.

Her cell phone vibrated and it seemed to shake her from her Emmett-induced haze. She picked up her phone and after a few seconds put it back down and rejoined the conversation.

"Yeah the other night though, someone made a post speculating if the girls enjoyed anal sex, and that lead to all sorts of hell, as I am sure you can imagine." She rolled her eyes and pushed her glasses back up her nose.

"Who the hell would ask that?" I asked, but before anyone could answer, Emmett let out one of the most obnoxious laughs I had ever heard.

"I love this chick, even if she is a fake," he laughed and went back to texting. "Seriously, I need her in my pants like now."

Jasper started lecturing him on how crass he was being when Angela's cell phone started vibrating again. She was still staring at Emmett, ignoring her phone, so I picked it up and handed it to her.

What I saw when I glanced down made me take a gasping breath, which lead to me choking on my own saliva. I dropped her phone onto the floor and began coughing so hard I was pretty sure my ear drums had popped.

Jasper started slapping my back, but even as I struggled to catch my breath, I couldn't stop staring at Angela, who was looking at me as if I might just reach out and bite her. Her eyes were pleading, and I could have sworn I saw her bottom lip trembling.

'Please,' she mouthed and shook her head slightly.

I finally caught my breath and nodded to Angela. As much as I wanted to act like I hadn't just seen ChbbyWnkr texting a reply to Hales_Angel on Angela's phone, I couldn't. I wanted the horrible mental images I was having flash through my mind to stop, but they wouldn't.

But no matter how fucked up it seemed to me, I still felt sorry for Angela. Especially when Emmett dropped his phone in his lap, threw his arms behind his head and announced to the room at large that he 'fucking loved this chick.'

Angela looked back at me, her bottom lip held between her teeth. I was about to ask if she needed a drink when we were interrupted by a loud banging on the door.

The four of us all looked at each other, and after shrugging his shoulders Emmett heaved himself out of the chair and opened the door.

"JASPER FUCKING WHITLOCK!" Ann screamed as she stood in the doorway glaring at Jasper who was cowering in his beanbag with a handful of newly photoshopped pictures of Alice Brandon.

"Oh dude, you are fucked," Emmett said, and shut the door behind Ann who was stomping over to Jasper. "And not in a good way."

LMW: *giggle* Jasper's gonna get it! Thanks for all the reviews so far, and to the usual suspect, Little Miss Masen! So glad you all are enjoying it. I have a question though, if you will amuse me: what's the most embarrassing piece of Twilight merchandise you have bought or had made?

Charlsad: Poor Jasper… I really do feel for him. Thanks for all of the reviews; they have seriously made our days. In addition to LMW question, I would like to know what type of fan are you? Are you a closet fan, an obnoxious fan or an obsessed fan? I think I am an obnoxious closet fan but that could change on a day to day basis. LMAO!! Enjoy!!

Oh and yes, our Emmett actually does have a Twitter and so does Rosalie *cough Angela cough*. Jasper and Edward might make one, you never know.