A/N: This chapter took me a very long time to finish. I'm not really sure why. Anyway, I changed the title of this story to something a bit more relevant. I know it's mostly been angsty conversation so far, and I can't say there won't be a lot more of that, but such is the nature of Snape. Also: I'd like to thank my reviewers who inspire me to keep writing.
)O(
The following morning brought frozen rain and more strained attempts at pleasant conversation between Lily and James, but not for long. The latter spent almost the entire day out of the house, pointedly avoiding her. Apparently it was impossible for him to simply ignore the Death Eater in the room. As a result, Snape and Lily were alone for several hours. They spoke of ordinary things, trying not to think about all that unresolved tension between them, and she tried not to think about what an immature prat James was being.
Lily tried several times to persuade Severus to eat without any success. By suppertime, James had returned, announcing that he had taken the liberty of inviting a few old friends over. Disappointment flashed in her eyes, along with annoyance. Severus braced himself for what he knew was coming.
Remus Lupin had always been the most likable of the four Marauders, as they called themselves. While Potter and Black were practically brothers, bonded by their mutual despise for Snape and love of pranks, he tended toward a slightly biased neutrality. Peter Pettigrew remained a cowardly git, desperate to be accepted, who hated Severus simply by association. The former schoolmates all paraded inside, the rat-faced man trailing behind them as if nothing had changed.
It was instantly clear to them that something wasn't quite right with the world, and it didn't take long for Sirius to identify what it was.
"Snivellus," he said with fake cheer, lips curled into a sneer that rivaled even Snape's. All eyes fell on Severus, who had yet to move from his place on the couch. The air in that room quickly bristled as past feelings of contempt resurfaced. "How long has it been, eh?"
"Not nearly long enough." Snape replied coldly. On that, they could all agree.
"Can't you act your own age for once?" Lily demanded. "Now sit down and eat, all of you."
The Marauders spent most of the meal reminiscing about past pranks and their glory days at Hogwarts. They spoke like old men whose best years were already behind them, even though not one of them was in their late twenties yet. In a desperate moment of awkward silence, someone actually began discussing the weather. But inevitably the topic shifted, as it did in every wizarding household nowadays, to the war.
"Another muggle-born was found beaten last night in Nocturn Alley," Lupin offered. "A young woman, left for dead."
"What do you think of that, Snivellus?" Sirius waved his fork at Snape in an accusatory manner. "I bet your Death Eater pals were real happy. Hell, I bet you were the one who attacked her!"
"Then, like usual, you would be wrong." Severus replied softly. It seemed as Sirius' voice rose, his became quieter. In fact, he sounded almost bored, continuing to move his food about the plate without really eating anything.
"We're just supposed to believe that! Where the hell were you last night?"
"Sev was here last night!" Lily attempted to regain control of the situation. "Sit down, Sirius, please." He did so, but his eyes never left Snape.
"A Death Eater did not attack that woman."
"Sev..." Lily warned, but it was already too late.
"What gives you the right to make statements like that?" James challenged.
"Because Death Eaters do not leave anyone for dead," Severus explained softly. "Which leads me to believe they were a group of pureblood fanatics, perhaps seeking to serve the Dark Lord, but who were too afraid to do so directly."
"Don't you dare speak that name in this house!" Sirius shouted, getting to his feet. It didn't make a difference, however, for Snape had already stood up and was leaving the table. Lily called after him, but he was gone.
"I'm sorry, Lily." Remus said genuinely as he helped her wash up.
"It's not your fault. This was all James' idea anyway, and I have a feeling tonight went exactly as he intended. I swear it's like they're all still boys!"
Remus nodded gravely. He left soon after, taking Sirius with him and Peter following close behind as usual. Lily was grateful to have the guests out of her house. It wasn't that she didn't like them; Remus had always been a gentleman and Sirius could be rather charming when he wanted to, but apparently he didn't even try this evening. She loved James, of course, but why did he have to act like such a child?
)O(
"You need to eat," Lily found Snape in the pitch black bedroom, lying on her bed that she shared with James. Maybe he hadn't thought of that. Best not to mention it. "You feel weak because you're starving."
"I've rather lost my appetite thanks to those peopleout there." Severus whispered. She drew closer, illuminating the room with soft blueish-white light from the tip of her wand. "And I do not feel weak."
"Don't lie to me, Severus...not again." That hurt him, she could tell, but he'd hurt her before, too. "You still haven't told me what happened, by the way."
For a while he just looked at this woman who once trust him completely, to whom he could tell anything and be forgiven. Then he spoke, "The Dark Lord likes to demonstrate his powers. What you must understand, Lily, is that I am nothing in his ranks. I am a pawn. I was simply a tool for his...demonstration."
"I don'tunderstand, Sev," she said after the shock wore off. "I don't understand at all why you would allow him to do that to you!"
Snape suddenly couldn't meet her eyes. "That does not matter now," He wanted to tell her everything, like when they were still best friends. He;d wanted to be part of something greater than himself, something powerful, something that would make Lily understand what a brilliant wizard he was. Maybe he could protect her when the Dark Lord reigned. It all seemed so foolish now. "I regret what I said to you, Lily, I regret what I did...I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too." she said quietly. "It's not too late, Sev. You can still leave the Death Eaters, can't you?"
Snape shook his head. "We have both made mistakes, and now we have to live with the consequences."
For a second Lily just stared, emerald eyes devoid of understanding, then they filled with anger and she abruptly stood up. "Marrying James is not a mistake! I love him, despite what an enormous bastard he's been lately. Why can't you see that? I forgive you for what you said back then. Hell, I even forgive you for becoming a bloody Death Eater! That was your choice, so why can't you accept mine?"
He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, and that he'd always loved her, but perhaps it was too late after all. Before Lily stormed out, she begged him once more to please eat something, and then she was gone along with the light.
