RFSP episode #104

Final Stand

Chapter 3-The drill


While the sadistic Scott Tenorman was forcing his half-brother to eat another bowl of chili, Stan was still silently weeping in his cell. Several minutes later however, Darth Chef suddenly began having…visuals of some kind. He clutched his head as his old memories started to return.

"Could this kid be right?" he thought. He decided to ask Stan.

"Hey, uh, kid!"

Stan stopped weeping momentarily. "Yeah?"

"Tell me…more."

"Huh?"

"I'm getting images of a singing cafeteria chef through my mind. What were you saying earlier about…about who I really was?"

A ray of hope shined on Stan's face, a small chance that Stan could bring the real Chef back. He tried the best he could.

"Your real name was Jerome McElroy. But everyone called you Chef."

"Go on."

"You were basically everyone's best friend. You always knew what to say when things were bad. You'd sing about how you always wanted to make sweet love to women down by the fire…do you remember anything?"

Darth Chef paused for a moment and tried to recall some more memories.

"Yeah…I think so."

Stan became elated and his face lit up like a pinball table.

"Really!?"

"A few bits and pieces. Not much, but enough to know that you're right. I'm not a robot."

"So…you're back?"

"In some way, yes I'm back.

Darth Chef unlocked the cell door and Stan ran out and hugged him.

"Oh Chef!" Stan cried through tears of joy. "I'm so glad you're back now!"

"As am I. But now that I know this, I realize I'm not meant to work for Davenport."

"That's right! We have to stop him!"

"We better hurry Stan. I think Davenport's going to move everyone down to the drill in less than an hour!"

"Less than an hour…Bebe!"

Chef looked quite puzzled. "Now that's one kid I've never heard you mention."

"Oh right…a lot has changed since you became…a robot."

"Like what?"

"For starters…remember the scandal that the whole town kept secret? About Cartman's real father?"

"Yeah."

"Well, the secret got out four years ago. Everyone who didn't know the truth now does."

"As a matter of fact, Davenport was telling me something similar…about how Liane is not his real mother?"

"Yeah, that too. His real mother is some woman named Diane who died right after Cartman was born."

"I know all of that. Davenport filled me and the Super Adventure Club in on everything. How she was a government agent along with a few others, the dark history of Chemical Z…yeah he did tell me that. Anything else?"

"In short, Wendy and I got back together in 2007…but broke up again a month and a half ago and now I'm with Bebe. Originally I swore I'd never talk to Wendy again, but now I feel like I still have feelings for her, and I don't know which girl to choose."

"Anything else?"

"Pip and Clyde's mom both died, a kid that never speaks moved here and saved us all from Nazi zombies, I just found out that Kenny's been immortal this whole time, and we've won a few more Emmy's. Oh and Ms. Garrison became a woman again in 2008."

"No surprise there. Fill me in on everything later; we need to help the others!"

"Right!"


Moments later, Unit 14 and Kenny had escaped and were running down a corridor.

("What now!?")

"Kenny you go rescue your friends!" Dylan answered as he laid out a plan. "We're going to circle around, free the captured 11th graders, and get back to my base and get the others for reinforcements! Then we can finally end this! Make sure you get Sara too!"

("I'm on it!")

"And if you see any of Davenport's admins, kick their sorry asses for us!"

("With pleasure!")

The group came to a fork in the road, where Unit 14 and Kenny went different directions.

"Oh yeah baby! This is finally starting to feel like the glory days now!"


A little ways off, Kyle was sitting alone in his cell, looking quite depressed.

Kyle sighed sadly. "I just can't believe this. How can any of this be happening? And now it looks like we've lost. Our only hope now is-."

("Kyle!")

Kyle looked up to see Kenny speeding towards him.

"Kenny!"

("Stay back!")

"Huh?"

Kenny took out a mini grenade and tossed it at the cell bars. Kyle dodged the blast at the last second right before it exploded. As soon as the smoke cleared, Kyle ran out of the cell and he continued down the hallway with Kenny.

"Where the hell do you keep getting these randomly appearing weapons from!?"

("Uh…nowhere.")

Kenny and Kyle rounded a corner and ran into Stan, Butters, and Chef.

("It's that thing again! Stay back Kyle!")

Kenny began to fight Chef until Butters and Stan pulled him off of him.

"Kenny! Stop!"

("That's one of Davenport's admins!")

"No he's not! That thing is Chef!"

("What!?")

"Hello Kenny and Kyle! Long time no see!"

"Chef? Is that really you?" Kyle asked.

("What happened to you?")

"After I died, that perverted club revived me as a robot. I've been on their side until Stan told me who I really was. I remember everything now!"

"It's been so different without you here!" Kyle exclaimed.

("Glad to have you back!")

"I understand Kenny here is immortal?"

("Sadly, yes.")

"Well Kenny, you just need to think of it as a good thing."

("But how? I can feel the pain every time and until recently, nobody was ever able to remember any of my deaths!")

"I know it may feel like a curse, but you have to appreciate all the times it's helped instead of hurt!"

"Yeah like back in Atlanta!" Butters reminded Kenny. "We all died back there!"

"And if it wasn't for you, we'd still be stuck in R'lyeh!" Kyle added.

"Or how you asked Satan to revive everyone who died after the American-Canadian war, in exchange for you going back to Hell!"

"Or how you sacrificed yourself to save Dr. Mephesto after he had been shot!" Stan added.

"It may seem like a curse at times, but just remember the good that can come out of it."

Kenny sighed. ("You're right. As long as I'm stuck with this ability, I need to use it for the benefit-.")

Kenny's sentence was interrupted by a bullet suddenly flying right through his heart. Kenny instantly fell to the ground, bled for a few seconds, and died. The others turned around and saw Trent Boyett was holding a gun a few feet away.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"

"You bastard!"

"So Darth Chef." Trent began. "You betrayed us!?"

"You got a problem with that?"

"I'm sure Davenport would! But I'm not here for you! I'm here for them!" Trent said as he motioned towards Stan, Kyle, and Butters.

"Oh no!"

"Oh man, dude, please don't kill us!"

"Lucky for you, I'm not allowed to lay a finger on any of you. But soon I will be! The drill's ready and it's finally time to see which one of you gets to open Chemical Z!"

"Over my once-dead body!"

"AAAHH!" Trent roared as he lunged at Chef. Even though Chef was able to easily kick his ass, Trent still put up somewhat of a good fight.

"Children! Get out of here!"

Stan, Kyle, and Butters ran off and once they got out of Trent's sight, Trent pulled out a Taser and shocked Chef's battery pack, effectively knocking him out (or in his case, setting him to stand-by.)

Stan, Kyle, and Butters didn't get very far. Almost as soon as they started running, they ran straight into the half-robotic Ms. Ellen.

"Not fair Makesh!" Trent whined as he caught up to them. "I wanted to catch them!"

"You!? You're just a kid like them chump!"

"Whatever, let's just get them to the drill already." Trent mumbled something under his breath.


Several minutes later, the group entered the room where the drill was stationed.

"Holy shit!" Stan commented. "That thing is GINORMOUS!"

Like Stan said, the drill was pretty massive indeed, since it was built to hold everyone from South Park and Nexton. The actual drilling mechanism itself was rather large, since it was built to drill down to the Earth's core. The AGA was busy loading everyone they captured onto the drill. When Stan, Kyle, and Butters got there, they immediately noticed Cartman and Kenny.

("Stan! Where's Chef?")

"He got tased by Trent."

"Cartman are you OK?" Kyle asked Cartman, who appeared to very distraught.

"Scott Tenorman's more insane then last time." Cartman replied. "He made me eat another bowl of chili too!"

"Jesus, that guy's a douche." Stan added.

"Is he here now Eric?"

"No shit Butters, everyone's here!"

("Whatever's taking Dylan so long, he needs to hurry it up!")

The five boys were soon escorted onto the drill. Once inside the massive room, they immediately noticed their parents, along with Ike, Bebe, and Wendy, were waiting for them. AGA goons and gingers were everywhere, keeping a tight watch on their prisoners.

"KYLE!"

"STAN!"

"KENNY!"

After the parents were done hugging their kids to near unconsciousness, they immediately started probing them with questions.

"Do any of you know what the hell is going on?" Gerald asked. "Our captors haven't given us much insight."

Kyle suddenly became angry. "It's all Kenny's fault!"

("ME!?")

"Well…it basically is in the end." Bebe agreed.

("No, no, no, no, no! It's all Dylan's fault!")

"But you were in on this whole thing all this time!" Stan added. "If you and Cartman's mom were supposed to watch out for us or whatever, then you obviously failed pretty miserably!"

"In on what?" Sharon asked.

Kyle began to explain. "This entire time, for about the past decade and a half, Kenny and Cartman's mom knew about all this! And once we all came here anyway, Kenny had the oh-so-genius idea of secretly deleting our AGA-made hotel reservations at the Nex hotel in order to somehow make the four of us safer!"

"Wha-wha-what!?"

("For the last time, THAT WAS DYLAN'S FUCKING IDEA!")

"Wait, so the Scralp's were responsible for that?" Gerald asked.

"Not all of them. Just Dylan. The rest of them were as clueless as we were!"

"Bad Dylan!" Ike agreed.

"Kenny!" Wendy scolded.

("Does anyone know the meaning of 'not my idea'!?)

Cartman began to give a brief version of the entire story. "In short: That asshole Dylan, my whore for a fake mom, Terrance and Phillip, and some blonde chick were all part of some secret government branch many years ago that made enemies with the Davenport guy. The government branch existed to keep the history of this almighty element named Chemical Z a secret, a secret that only 100,000 people know. Once the secret branch shut down, the five of them went on a road trip where they met my real mom who had just laid my dad and asked that the bitch that's raised me pretend to be my mom since my real mom was being pursued by Davenport at the time. Shortly after, my real mom died and then my fake mom got down at the drunken barn dance. Then Dylan moved here and told EVERYONE in his grade about his past and Chemical Z, fearing that Davenport would eventually find him there, which he thought put everyone in his school at risk, and so all the kids in his grade set up their own little undercover group that was setup like the former secret government branch Dylan was in. Fast forward to today, where Davenport lured us all here with that fake free admission contest, where he is now attempting to eradicate Dylan, the 11th graders, and the people who were in his unit during his time at the secret government branch.-"Cartman stopped for a quick breath of air.

"-And locate Chemical Z so he can take over the world or some shit, but he has to use one of us kids in order to break the magical seal that was placed on Chemical Z all those years ago."

Cartman finished, panting and gasping for breath, while all the adults stood there, speechless.

"Oh my God!"

"That's all true!?"

("It is. And the 11th graders have been watching South Park the whole time, with me serving as the secret communication link.")

"Which reminds me." Stan asked. "Where exactly did you set up some of those security cameras to spy on us?"

("There's one actually one in Kyle's hat.")

"WHAT!?"

Kyle took his hat off and dug around for the camera.

("It's really small.")

Kyle found the camera, which was as big as a fingernail, and held it up. "Kenny, WHAT THE FUCK!?"

("Not my idea.")

"Dude who the fuck thought putting that in there would be funny?" Stan asked.

("Chris.")

"That asshole!"

"Kenny you should probably stop talking before one of us punches you!" Cartman suggested.

Kenny snorted angrily. ("People sometimes!")

Just then all the entrances to the drill closed up and everyone was inside. From a command center of sorts in the very front, Davenport started up the drill immediately. The group then heard loud, fierce rumbling noises from outside the drill.

"I still can't believe that guy is my uncle." Butters commented.

("He's your uncle?")

"Yeah it turns out my mom had a brother that went insane, faked his death, and changed his identity. Davenport is my evil uncle."

"Leave it to Butters for something like that to happen." Cartman said, trying not to snicker.

The drilling noises began to increase in volume.

"Well…I guess that's it then."

"Yeah…." Kyle replied sadly.

("I'm sorry guys.")

"Aw, it's OK Kenny." Butters reassured Kenny as he hugged him.

An air of sadness had washed over the group. It looked like the end for them.

"What does Davenport plan on doing with Chemical Z?" Cartman thought. "Doesn't matter. Once he's got it, I'm sure he'll kill me first." Cartman sighed sadly. "I'm never going to get a chance to tell Wendy how I feel. I should've made a move long ago, but it's too late now. We're all as good as dead." Cartman hated himself for not ever having told Wendy his feelings earlier. Cartman couldn't help but shed a few tears knowing he'd never get the chance now.

"Cartman are you…crying?" Kyle asked.

"S-shut up Jew!" Cartman retorted, trying to hide his real emotion.

"Well…we all had a good run, but I guess it's over now." Stan thought to himself. "Unit 14 ran off but now that were en route, I doubt there's any way they can get to us." Stan glanced over at Wendy and Bebe, who both looked as melancholy as the rest of them. "And I still don't know who I really love."

"Uh...not to uh…spoil whatever kind of moment any of us might be having right now…." Stan spoke out loud. "But does anyone have a second guess as to which of us is supposed to break the seal?"

"I'd say Eric, but I'm Davenport's nephew, so that could change things."

"Whoever it is, we'll find out soon I guess. Assuming it is somebody from South Park, Dylan just said they had to be a 'young and noble child'."

"Do you think it's you Kenny?" Stan asked.

("Could be.")

After a few more moments of sadness and silence, bar the drilling noises outside, the drill stopped moving.

"I guess we're here."


Way up at the front of the drill, Davenport was fiddling with the controls, at the annoyance of his admins, minus Darth Chef, who just wanted him to hurry up so they could get their revenge.

"You built this thing and you don't know how to work it!?" Trent berated Davenport.

"Shut up, I'm going as fast as I can!"

"Well hurry up! I want my revenge on Kenny already!" Saddam replied.

"Got it!"

Davenport activated a mechanism on the outside of the drill to grab Chemical Z, or rather, the cylinder it was contained in. Davenport walked over to the window and observed as Chemical Z was being grabbed and transported inside via a pneumatic tube. Overly ecstatic, and at that exact moment looking like a giddy idiot, he walked over to his end of the pneumatic tube where a Uranium ore-like cylinder popped out. He grabbed the cylinder, admiring it with a devilish grin, with everyone else watching.

"Yes! YES! YES! At long last…after all these years…IT IS MINE!" Davenport began to laugh maniacally.

"So who do you think can break the lock?" Robot Ms. Ellen asked.

Davenport opened the cylinder and took out a small test tube containing a purple powder. That purple powder…was Chemical Z.

Davenport flashed a wicked grin. "Oh I think we ALL know the answer to that!" Davenport pushed a button labeled "Microphone", so anything said up in the command center would be broadcasted throughout the entire room. "Bring me...Eric Theodore Cartman!"

Cartman was about ready to cry again when two gingers grabbed him and escorted him to the front.

"So long everyone." Stan remarked rather sadly.

"This is all too much..." Kyle added.

Kenny on the other hand was still a little hopeful. ("C'mon Dylan! Where are you?")

Cartman arrived up at the front and became very scared and frightened when he saw Davenport and his admins facing him.

"Before we begin Eric…." Davenport spoke in an evil and manipulative sounding tone. "I must ask you something…how much does it…bother you knowing that you'll never meet your real mother?"

"I…I" Cartman stammered.

"Of course, I know who she was. Your half-brother here knows who she was…I'll bet you're surprised that not even your little friend Kenny knows who she was!"

"K-Kenny?" Cartman asked after he turned around.

("It's true. Dylan never told me.") Kenny yelled back.

Cartman turned back around to face Davenport. "W-w-who was she?"

"You'd like to know wouldn't you? After all, this sort of thing has happened once before, has it not? Isn't it…most unfortunate that it's happening again? For years you believed Liane Cartman was a hermaphrodite, and was therefore your father. Then it turns out that you fed your father to your half-brother at that chili festival! Oh, the sweet, sweet irony and how it came back to haunt you!"

"Man…poor Cartman. "Kyle sympathized. "He's never going to live any of this down."

Davenport went on. "But now you've learned that you never had any of Liane's blood run through your veins! You've lived your whole life not knowing this terrible secret! All those years your town stood by, completely oblivious that the hermaphrodite cover up was a double ruse! Everyone knew about Jack Tenorman! But no one, no one, ever knew about your real mother!"

"Diane…that's my mom's name right? And she was in The Agency too, right?"

"Yes indeed! I see that my arch nemesis filled you in on that part!"

"But just who is Diane?"

"Oh you'd like to know wouldn't you!?"

"OK, now he's just being a dick." Stan remarked.

"But that's not all!" Davenport continued. "Tell me Eric; did it ever occur to you that…Diane actually lived in South Park before she died?"

"She…she did?"

The others were left puzzled by this. They tried to remember if they knew anybody named Diane, but they came up fruitless.

"Did we ever know anybody named Diane?" Butters asked the others.

"I can't think of anybody."

"You got me there."

("Even if we did, we have no way of knowing if it was Cartman's mom. ANYBODY with the name of 'Diane' could have lived in South Park at any point in time.")

Davenport held out the test tube containing Chemical Z in front of Cartman.

"And now, the moment I've been waiting for…open it!"

"Huh?" Cartman asked.

"Chemical Z. Open it!"

"How?"

"You see the cork on that test tube? If you're the kid who can open it, you'll be able to yank it out."

Very slowly, and very affrightedly, Cartman attempted to pull out the cork and….


A/N: I know, I know, kind of a weak cliffhanger. But I honestly couldn't think of where else to end the chapter, so that's the best I could do.

Only one more chapter left in the 4 part Rad Fanon South Park series premiere! What's going to happen? Stay tuned to find out!

All reviews are appreciated!