AN: this chapter gets a bit weird (and by weird i mean kinda kinky) but! there's another Derek musical number!

Later on in the long drive, they stopped on the roadside for Scott to pee. Isaac made a feelings stick, Derek flirted with the woman driving her family on a family holiday, and Isaac tried to force Derek into using the feelings stick.

"Scott, do you think Alison flirts with you too much," Kira asked as Scott relieved his bladder.

"why? we're young…"

"but aren't you and I … you know,… you and I?"

"We're not a you and I. We're an us…"

The two kissed passionately.

Scott got pee on Kira's shoes.

The drive continued. Nothing note-worthy happened until Isaac brought up Scott and Allison's lost love.

"I totally shipped you guys, I don't think Scott and Kira will last till prom!" Isaac whispered at Scott the next line, "I'd get Alison a purple corsage!"

Kira stared at her pee stained shoes longing for Isaac's approval.

The seven played ten fingers until Stiles pointed out he couldn't drink and drive, Isaac rejected the negative emotions surround the word never, Kira pointed out the rest of them were underaged and Derek got emotional over a Klaine fanfic he was reading.

"I'm sorry you guys… I never feel emotions but… Blaine just loves Kurt so much." Tears splashed on the free hugs shirt.

"it's okay, Isaac smiled wrapping his scarf around Derek's neck, "this is a magic scarf, it heals sadness."

Derek side-eyed Isaac dramatically.

Dereks sadness passed, and he continued his cold hard child-scaring stare terrifying kids driving past them.

Around noon on the second day of driving the jeep started making a weird chugging noise.

"It'll be fine" Stiles said nervously patted the dashboard

A funny smell, like leaking diesel filled the car

"Probably a minor problem…"

Foul black smoke was inching its way out of the bonnet

"Maybe I'll get it checked on the way back…"

Mid-sentence the bonnet exploded into flames

"SHIT! PULL OVER. PULL OVER. PULL THE FUCK OVER. OH MY GOD!"

The teens piled out of the car, coughing, onto the verge as Stiles stared in horror at the burning car. Derek pulled his FREE HUGS t-shirts off and stifled the flames with his bare hands.

"Werewolves are somewhat flame resistant"

"Cool."

Kira pulled out her Nokia phone and dialled the AA for a tow-truck. "Ugh, they say it'll be a hour at least."

Derek sat on the ground "We'll wait then"

Waiting was not fun for the gang as they realised that even as they waited their deadline for meeting the oracle was becoming closer. "We can't afford to spend a hour waiting" Scott said obviously. "We have two options. Use public transport and get the jeep taken to meet with us later."

"Hmm…" Stiles pondered thoughtfully

"I vote with Scott" Kira alleged

"I think we should avoid conflict and make every effort to get along as a unit" Isaac put in

"NOBODY ASKED YOU PATRICE!" Lydia barked, "We should definitely wait for the allocated hour and then make plans"

"No. Let's take the bikes" suggested Allison

"what bikes?" asked Lydia, frowning.

Alison gestured to the troop of Harley Davidsons, they were lined up their bikers (obviously headed to some bikers convention) were all lined up at the ice cream van.

"ohhh ice cream!" Isaac grinned.

"so we steal a bike and ride off leaving the jeep, for the tow truck." Stiles nodded.

"We are not going to steal!" Derek exclaimed, "It's imorale!"

"excuse me sir!" Scott said nervously to a 18 stone old man with a beard tucked into his leathers, " but me and my friend need some bikes, can we urrm."

"you want OUR bikes."… the man paused to pay the ice cream man, "sure thing buddy, want my flake? We're going to buy new ones anyway at the convention a mile away. WE'll do doubles."

"I have a problem," Isaac confessed. "I can't drive!"

"Neither can I" murmered Kira!

"Don't worry you can go on my back!" Scott winked looking up and down to find the best bikes. Lydia you can go on this Bike."

"okay," Lydia straddled the bike and revved the engine sexily, she looked like a biker-chick with her messy road-trip hair and the fact that she was wearing a man's shirt. It wasn't a very typical Lydia look but it was hot.

"Stiles you take this baby!" Scott patted the bike enthusiastically; he handed Stiles the helmet. Stiles stared at Lydia mouthing "Baby?" before mounting his bike. Derek had chosen a large silver bike, he put on his tight-fitting 'free hugs' shirt, put his aviators on. He looked hot.

"Alison, why don't you take this little one!" Scott pointed at a trike. On one hand she didn't want upset Scott on the other, he could piss off.

"I'll take that one!" she said mounting behind Derek, pushing herself into his manly form staring objectively at Scott.

"Watch the shirt girl!" Derek whined, "Isaac got me this!" Isaac was standing awkwardly on the edge of the group,

"Who do I ride with?" He asked tentatively

"Ride with Derek!" Alison said, her plan to spoon the elder man was ruined by his materialism. "I'm riding my own bike!"

The five bikes waved goodbye to the friendly bikers, and set sail on the freeway

Riding motorbikes came surprisingly easily to the teens who were used to adapting to new situations. They looked like a power-band, riding down the freeway majestically.

Kira was being mischievious. She slid her arms around Scott's torso teasingly. "Uh, Kira I need to concentrate." He said manlyly.

"Hmm… Really?" She murmured breathinging into his neck, her warm breath tickling his ear, as they rode at 80mph, which was wayyy too fast for Kira to be trying to distract Scott. She bit his ear (AN: like Derek did to Paige) And the bike swerved uncomfortable. "Kira… This isn't safe" He said. Kira didn't care; she liked the thrill of biting Scott's neck whilst racing down the freeway. She wasn't a girly-girl and so she wasn't scared of thrill-seeking.

Allison noticed the snuggling between the two. And feel a thrill of white-hot anger course through her like lightning in the dessert. She had hoped that this trip would bring her and Scott back togetrh and instead Kira was on the trip and kept licking his neck or something. Allison wasn't close enough to really see, but she knew.

Derek stood up on the back of his bike, he began twerking removing his trousers to reveal his buttocks to the horrified family.

"let's get down to buisnesss!" he began!

"NOOOOOOO!" stiles shrieked.

"mummy look there's a man with his willy out singing mulan songs! LOOK!"

"to defeat the HUN!" Derek twerked nude whilst enthusiastcily singing Disney.

"yeah we're not with him," scott smiled nervously at the horrified parents accelerating away

"So we're staying with my lovely Aunt Kate" Allison alleged as the bikes pulled up outside a huge apartment modern building "Its just for a day- our last stop on the tour to Mexico. What with Lydia getting worse."

Isaac nodded sympathetically to Lydia as they marched to the front door.

Derek shifted unconfortably as he and Kate had an unconfortable past, not only had she murdered nearly his entire family, she was also his ex-girlfriend – majorly awkward.

"Hey ladies, gentlemen and potato-face!" Kate smiled opening the doors, "how's the family Derek? Still dead?"

"Now Kate," Isaac interrupted, "I understand I'm just a guest and we've only met, but you must understand that Derek is clearly inwardly distressed about your murdering his entire family and going on holiday with teenagers!"

Kate ignored the sentimental teen, "nice shirt Derek," she gave him a hug. Everyone was silent.

"Auntie!" Alison smiled embracing the blonde.

"great to see you! Come inside and pick a sleeping bag, we're sleeping in the lounge"

"ohhh a slumber party!" Lydia grinned, "I have face masks if Derek didn't use them all."

"don't worry sweetie" Derek grumbled, "as soon as we pass a Clarins counter I'm restocking."

Kate sashayed into her lunge, leading the party.

"I want to leave" Derek muttered in an undertone quietly to Scott

"We don't have anywhere else; It's free, she's buying us food. And if she pisses you off you can always kill her. She's outnumbered." Scott said reassuringly.

Derek growled.

Kate smiled at Allison and indicated the sleep den set up in the lounge.

Scott was aroused. Kira had licked and nuzzled and breathed on his face the entire ride and now he was feeling frustrated. "Kira we should have sex"

Kira paused for a moment adjusting her curly dark hair. "Scott…

Alison over heard the convo and placed her sleeping bag between the two of them. There, she thought no sex for my scotty-boo tonight, result Alison!

Lydia pressed her pelvis onto Stiles leg as the two of them cuddled up. They were watching the film House Bunny

"it's loosely based on my life," Kate grinned at Derek, his arms were folded over his chest hiding the inviting free hugs shirt.

"OMG! You were a bunny!" Isaac asked, "So cool!"

They danced along to "when I grow up" they ate raw cookie dough and did manicures. Derek was painting Isaacs toenails a coral pink whilst Kira did Alison a French. The others were singing to MTV, except Stiles and Lydia:

"So what were you saying," Lydia asked as Stiles as he caressed her neck with kisses. She was sitting on the kitchen counter legs around his middle. The onsie-clad duo were in a heated kiss.

"I don't think it's healthy for me to be with you," he said letting her plant kisses on his chest (his onsie was slightly unzipped) "what with the third grade crush thing."

"Yeah, yeah cool" she said pulling him into a passionate lip-lock. She pulled him down so they were vertical on the kitchen island. The pair grinded until Scott walked in – he was tearing up.

"Dude?" Stiles asked hopping off the counter and placing a hand on his bro's arm.

"Kira doesn't want to have sex with me." Scott lamented sadly "I'm adorable. Why wouldn't she?"

"awwwww bae! Don't you worry, she just needs time." Stiles rubbed his friends arm.

"your probably right!" Scott sniffed in a morose way.

"too right I am. Now leave please me and Lydia were discussing politics."

"ohhh discussing politics… me and Kira can't discuss politics." Scott promptly broke down into tears weeping like a wee baby.

"Dammit Scott!" Lydia groaned. "go and talk to Isaac, he's on some weird Zen kick!"

"but I want my stiles-ey!" Scott winged.

"That's cool bro! and I want you too. But not right now."

"If I go talk to Isaac can I sit next to you at breakfast?" Scott bargained

"Sure you can, heck, I'll even pour your milk for you!"

Scott left the room waving at his friends as he left. Lydia pounced on stiles the moment Scott had left. He was so hot.

Derek had been left with the girls since Isaac had gone to the bathroom with Scott. Derek wasn't to happy about this. He sat grumpily whilst Allison licked his forehead (they were playing truth or dare)

"Now Kate!" Allison grinned, "Truth or dare?"

"urrm dare," Kate grinned, pulling her duvet around herself.

"Play chicken with Derek!" Kira exclaimed.

"yess! Do that!" Allison grinned eagerly, smiling at Kira despite their feud. It was a good dare idea.

Kate nodded eagerly, flipping her hair and sliding over to Derek who remained still arms folded over the free hugs t-shirt.

FLASHBACK:DEREK! Kate squealed as he ran his hand up and down her leg during dinner.

"Chris is opposite us!" she whispered girlyly.

"I'm trying to eat my macaroni not watch you dry-hump a bonehead werewolf!" Chris whinnied

Kate laughed and planted a warm kiss on Derek's jaw. Derek was in love.

CURRENT DAY:

Kate ran her hand up Derek's thy. Leaning in seductively. He remained emotionless looking grumpy, he moved only to put a teddy bear over his crotch. Kate was dangerously close. But before the Kate could make impact Stiles burst in

"Derek do you have any jhonnies!" Derek darted across the room and removed four from the safe on the wall behind a nude portrait of himself.

"I can't believe you kept our secret condom place stocked up!" he said, touched by the gesture.

"I can't believe I kept the nude portrait!" Kate giggled.

"I can! It's lush!" Kira grinned fully noticing and appreciating the portrait.

"Ooohh 'little Derek' is huge!" Allison joked.

Isaac re-entered, consoling a weepy Scott. The both stared at the painting their eyes dropping to oil Derek's manhood.

"The GIRTH!" Isaac marvelled, grinning

Scott's eyes fell on Kira admiring said girth. "you want his penis but not mine… your such a bitch!"

"I'll sort him!" Allison said chasing after him (throwing her bra behind the sofa)

Derek grinned at Isaac and waved the condoms at him hopefully. Isaac nodded eagerly.

"Excuse me while I make some coffee!" Derek said, "Isaac?"

"I thought you were going to help me explore my sexuality by ravishing me in some hidy-hole?"

"urrm… just come Isaac!" they too left, Derek squeezing Isaac's perky buttocks.

Allison removed her top as she stroked Scott's hair from behind pushing her naked form against him.

"I know someone who's better than Kira."

"Stiles?" Scott weeped.

"Why don't you drink some alcohol motor-boat me and we'll see where the night takes us?"

"Are you going to get me drunk." Scott asked.

"Do you want to have sex with and feel guiltless or not?" Allison said turning Scott around so he could see her body.

Scott gulped and nodded.

"I got the contraceptz off Derek!" Stiles said waving them triumphantly above his head.

"ewww no way, Derek Hale germs!" Lydia and Derek had a strained relationship.

"They're in a packet!" Stiles argued, he wasn't about to miss his shot with Lydia.

"I don't want anything that Derek brought penetrating my vagina!" Lydia retaliated.

"Risk it?" Stiles suggested hopefully.

"Seriously?" Lydia sighed. She dropped her onsie to the floor. "Let's not have anything beginning with p entering me tonight."

"Wait that means…" stiles' eyes went wide.

"Shut up, I still haven't forgiven you for going to Derek."

"Have I been a bad boy?" stiles grinned

Lydia gulped and nodded.

Derek and Isaac were in the kitchen. "Do you want to do this?" Isaac asked as Derek undressed "Are you sure your ready. This is a safe environment for love-making and I don't want either of us doing anything we're unconfortable with."

"Isaac shut up" Derek advised warningly, fully nude.

"I will not do anything, unless you fully consent verbally. This is a safe environment where we all must feel safe and supported in order too fully…"

Derek cut him off "Yes. Let's have sex now. Just shut up."

Kira walked up the stairs to the fifth guest room she was going to stay in. She opened the wrong door and *gasp* saw Allison and Scott fully nude having the sex.

"Scott!" Kira cried out "I thought we were an us!"

"Allison enchanted me with her feminine wiles" Scott alleged, pouting

"I can't believe this." Kira said "Screw you McCall. I hope you get kicked off the lacrosse team and get all of the STDs possible."

She stormed out and opened the next door, trying not to cry. She had the wrong door again! Stiles and Lydia were snogging aggressively in front of her.

She shut the door quietly, they were too engrossed in their passions to notice her. Ugh she thought peasants.

She walked into what was actually her room and flopped on the bed, thinking about Scott Mc-fucking-Call.

The next morning Kate baked home-made bread for their breakfast toasts.

Derek refused the bread eating kingsmill 50/50 instead to piss Kate off. (AN: Kingsmill 50/50 is the best!)

Kate rolled her eyes "Someone's tetchy"

"You killed my whole family! Except the parts of my family that are alive" Derek alleged incredulously.

"I'm sorry dereky-poo" she said sarcastically. What a bitch.

"Don't worry Derek my lover," Isaac grinned maniacally, "she's just trying to break the ice after being a murderous hoe. It's a safe space you two… have at it!"

"Scott and Allison had at it last night the horny horn horn dogs!" kira grumbled spreading nutella on her bread.

"I only shagged Allison because I felt rejected by you and she got me drunk!"

"charming!" Allison pouted, she was hurt by Scott's words, "I thought you loved me again!" Allison rose up and stormed out.

"ALLISON!" Kate ran after her niece.

"That's right run to your niece when she's clearly the wrong person in the situation!" Derek called after Kate.

"AT LEAST I HAVE FAMILY TO RUN TO!" she burned on him.

"Oh snap" Scott and Lydia said in unison.

Derek sighed and burst into song:

"You! With your words like tasers!

And Chinese ring daggers that you use against me!"

"urrgh Derek not now!" Kira moaned. She stood up and followed Allison out with a stack of toast. Kate sat down to listen to Derek's grievances.

"You! Have knocked me off my feet again,

got me feeling like a beta.

You with your voice like mum's

Reminding me of the fact that you killed her."

"Just let it out babe!" Isaac had tears in his eyes.

"you! Picking on the weaker wolf!"

"This is your second and FINAL musical number!" Lydia warned.

"Well you can take me dow-o-own with just one wolfsbane bullet!

But you don't know, what you don't know.

Someday I'll be running a massive wolf pack

And all you'll be is a murderer"

"This is not even good," Stiles moaned running his hands through his hair sexily.

"Someday I'll have a pack that can defend me

And all you'll be is a shit hunter,

why you such a bad hunter?"

"I'd like you to stop now before my health is in danger." Scott requested.

"It's beautiful!" Isaac marvelled, while Kate watched on:

"…and I can see you years from now in a home

Talking hunting strategies

With that same big loud opinion

But Chris, he aint listening

Because I fucked him and you're just this same old bitter bitch

Drunk and grumbling on about my fetish for kids

But all you are is mean.

All you are is Kate

And a killer

But so sexy

Still not quite Chris Argent

And mean and mean and mean…

But someday I'll be shacked up with some cutie

"I volUNTEERRRR!" Isaac shrieked

"and all you'll be is my booty call

Yeah, yeah

Someday I'll have really cute mini Hales

And they won't share DNA with you

I'm never gonna love you cos I love Chris."

"wait what?" Isaac frowned

"The truth's out… Chris and I have been together for two years"

"WHAT?!" Allison walked back in (her and Kira had forgiven each other whilst they'd been outside) after all female friendships and the pack was much more important than who shagged scott.

"Why'd you shag me then?" Isaac asked.

"The whole time I was picturing Chris!" Derek admitted.

"That's so creepy!" kira squirmed.

"Sorry Isaac, I just wanted dick and to repay you for buying me that cute top! I can't wait for Chris see it!"

"My dad… and you!" Allison frowned.

"My brother… and you!" Kate frowned.

"My lover… and Chris." Isaac frowned.

"My lover and Chris!" Kate agreed.

"My lover's father and my alpha!" Scott frowned.

"My best friend's father and the nephew of my psychological torturer!" Lydia frowned

"Derek and Chris!" stiles frowned (he felt left out)

"yep!" Derek grinned, "let's hit the road this trip has improved since I got that off my chest

"I agree, you should leave" Kate embraced her niece "this was too weird. Especially Derek's song."

They hit the road. And as they drove down the motorway in the Jeep the teens marvelled at the quick fix of the jeep.

Kira smiled "I knew the AA would pull through"

Scott agreed. Kira glared him, she was still mad at him for cheating on her with Allison. She wasn't mad with Allison though: don't hate the player hate the game.

"So." Stiles began "we have to drive for 4 hours and then we hit the mexico border. We will make a pit-stop at a petrol station as per the yewsh. But check your passports now, getting arrested would be such a bother"

"Especially Scott" Kira muttered "'cause nobody would bail him out"

"Oh snap" Isaac hollered "Guuurrrll, you playing the jealous ex right now and that's not something you wanna waste your precious time doin'. 'Cha feel?"

"cha definitely feel," Kira scowled, "have you got your passport Derek?"

"yeah!" Derek put down his Scooby and pulled out his passport… it said he was 16.

"What the actual fuck Derek, you have fake ID saying youre two years too young to do anything!" Lydia frowned

"It's so I can go places with you guys and not have to play Dad all the time."

"YOU NEVER 'PLAY' DAD" everyone groaned in unison.

"What an ass-wipe!" Stiles frowned.

"IKR" Lydia giggled grinning happily at Stiles.

"fuck you too and your happiness!" kira shrieked! "does no one but Isaac feel my pain!"

"Shut up" scott rolled his eyes.

"Scott, don't be an idiot." Allison shoved him to the jeeps floor.

"yeah Allison you tell him!" Kira did a war cry as she jabbed his bum.

The two girls continued to poke Scott until he apologised to everyone in the car for

"…being an indecent, disgusting, terrible, yet surprisingly good at sex bad boy… happy now?"

"Very!" Kira smiled cuddling into her deeply bruised boyfriend.

"you guys are actually kinda cute," allison shrugged, "i wonder if i'll find love?"

"at least your not dead like in canon," Kira hugged her

"yeah that would marjorly suck!" Allison laughed

and then everyone joined in -even derek (as Allison was his new step-daughter) - and the jeep rolled down the road into the sunset.

AN: this is a very long chapter but i couldnt decide where to break it up so sod it i'm posting it all