Chapter Three – Joining
Kagome stared at the ceiling of Kaede's hut, and slowly turned over to lie on her side. It was early in the morning, she could hear the muffled sounds of villagers outside, facing a new day, going about their lives. Kaede had already got up and left the hut some time earlier, and Kagome knew that she, too, would have to get up soon but she'd much rather just stay here, on her futon. She felt exhausted; it had taken hours until she had managed to fall asleep, only to keep waking up repeatedly. After such a night of tossing and turning, she felt like she had got no sleep let alone rest.
What reason had she to get up in any case? What point was there to continue repeating the same dull cycle over and over again? Her life was empty, and it was so strenuous to struggle onwards. People kept saying it would get better, she could read it in their pitying eyes even when they didn't utter the words aloud. It had been a week since his death, and it hadn't become any easier to deal with.
Underneath her blanket she curled up, her body was worn out from the stress, the lack of sleep and food. She welcomed the dull ache of the muscles, though; it was much easier to bear than that residing in her heart.
She heard footsteps. The straw mat hung in the doorway rustled when it was brushed aside. A tray, settled carefully down onto the floor, entered her line of vision. Kagome looked up to see Sango kneeling down on the tatami by her futon.
"Good morning," the taijiya wished her.
"Morning," Kagome echoed listlessly. It wasn't particularly a good one, in her opinion. In fact, it was a rather lousy, wretched morning.
"I made breakfast and thought you might want some, too," Sango continued.
Kagome sensed her nervousness. She recognised the peace offering for what it was. Her tired gaze swept the tray and found a bowl of okayu, rice congee. Kagome snorted lightly, finding the dish oddly befitting in the current situation.
She sat up and accepted wordlessly the bowl from Sango. It was pointless to stay angry or keep arguing with her, it took too much energy, and right now she needed all the strength she could gather to simply stay standing, to stop herself from being swallowed whole by the darkness looming in the corners of her soul.
Sango sighed, her shoulders sagging with relief when Kagome accepted the food.
"I am sorry about last night. I should have been more supportive. I know how hard everything is for you right now, and I did not intend to hurt you."
"It's alright," Kagome said tonelessly and took a sip of the water.
"No, it is not," the taijiya sighed. "I was being unreasonable."
"You were upset," Kagome shrugged.
"I was. But not with you, even if it sounded like that."
"I know. It's Sesshoumaru you have a problem with, isn't it?"
Sango nodded.
"We do not really even know him. All he allows us to see is the surface, and frankly it is not a good sight. He is cold, arrogant and ruthless, and I do not think he is good for you."
Kagome hummed.
"I know how he appears to be. But a surface is just a surface, and in time I will learn to know him. There was something he said, when I told him I accepted the proposal, something that made me feel like I had made the right choice." the miko paused, and glanced at her friend. "He said he did not offer me love nor expect that from me. He said he would give me his friendship and respect. And I think I need that. I don't think I can love anyone again, but neither can I be alone. With Sesshoumaru, I can have that."
"I understand," Sango said quietly. And she did. She knew the need to share one's life with someone. But she still worried for her friend, and she had to voice those worries.
"Are you sure that you will never love again? What if one day, years and years from now when you have accepted and got over Inuyasha's death, you are ready to love? What if you fall for Sesshoumaru, who has already told you he will not give you love? What if you fall for someone else, when you have already bound yourself to Sesshoumaru?"
"I can't answer those questions, Sango." Kagome said, her voice tired, hurt and lost. "I can't see that far ahead, I can barely manage living through one day at a time right now." The priestess smiled wryly. "Every morning, I expect to wake up and find it was all just a bad dream."
Sango did not say anything. She looked at her friend and it broke her heart to see her in such a pain, to hear her voice the dark thoughts that sounded so unlike her.
"It is hard for me to accept death as easily as you do, even after all the years I have been here, in this era." Kagome continued after a while. "You know, in the future, we call this time the warring states period. A befitting name, isn't it, full of chaos and death. But in the Japan I grew up in, we had no war or famine. There were no demons preying on us humans. The diseases and wounds that are deadly here, can be cured with modern medicine. Death does not lurk around every corner."
"I understand what you mean, Kagome-chan, and it must be difficult for you… But Inuyasha's death is hard for us all to accept," Sango spoke gently. "It was so sudden. None of us saw it coming."
Kagome nodded limply.
"You are right," she whispered into the room. "But the suddenness wasn't the worst part," she confessed softly. "His death itself, though devastating, isn't the worst part."
Kagome turned her pained eyes to finally meet Sango's sympathising gaze.
"The worst part is to realise how much I gave up on just to be with him, and how little I have left to myself now that he is gone. My childhood home and my family are lost for me forever. It feels like I have nothing left."
"We are here for you," Sango replied.
"Yes, but your family must come first." Kagome was silent for a moment. "If something happened to Miroku, you'd have reason to go on. You would still have your children and they would need you, they would pull you back from the darkness. But I can't come up with such reasons, I feel like there is nothing between me and the darkness, nothing to stop it from swallowing me whole."
Sango looked at her friend. She felt her pain and sorrow so keenly. She, too, had lost so much in her life, but she had also gained much. The silence stretched. There were no right words to say, nothing that could make the grief more bearable. Words were shallow and empty, they were completely useless.
Slowly, hesitantly, the taijiya drew her friend into a comforting embrace. That she could offer freely, and maybe it would even help in consoling the miko. The priestess' thinned hands clutched her shoulders; the grieving widow trembled in her arms. Sango simply held her there, shielding her from the world, whispering that everything would be all right, that she could get through this, the empty words neither of them could really believe.
L-A-L
Kagome actually felt somewhat better after her talk with Sango. She had even finished her breakfast, for the first time ever since Inuyasha passed. The talk had helped to steel her resolve, and it had been comforting to know that even if the slayer did not fully accept her decision, she supported her. Kagome really cared about Sango's opinion – they had grown so close during the hunt for the Shikon, being the only women in the party. The taijiya was like the sister she never had, and Kagome knew that Sango shared the sentiment. Before Sango had left with the tray and the breakfast dishes, Kagome had asked her a favour. There were things in her house she needed – clothes and her bow and arrows, for example – and Kagome couldn't go into the hut. It was too painful of a reminder from the life and happiness she had lost. She was not sure if she could ever cross the threshold again. The house had been built by Inuyasha, it had been their place, and going there alone did not sit right with her. She wanted her last memories of the house to be happy ones, she did not want to remember it as it was now: empty and permeated with loneliness.
Kagome got up from her futon. She changed out of the light yukata she had slept in, into a simple kimono. Then she took a comb to the matted mess of her hair. She had not really tended to her appearance this past week, it felt so very unimportant now. An idea began to slowly form in her mind as she worked the comb through her inky locks. After she had fought all the snarls and stood victorious with her hair once again smooth and silky, she tied it at her neck. She stood up, her eyes searching the hut until she finally found what she was looking for. Grabbing the small item from the table, Kagome sat back down onto the tatami, took a firm hold of her tail, and then in one determined flick brought the knife to her hair. The short locks, now barely reaching past her chin broke free from the tie and fell around her face. Her head felt oddly light, and Kagome stared at the blue-black tresses littering the floor around her, wondering for a moment if she had finally lost her mind. She shrugged that thought away and gathered the loose strands to her lap. She tied them together at one end, ran her fingers carefully through them, and then set to braiding them. Once she was finished, she put away the knife and gathered the severed braid. She left the hut.
If any villagers stopped and stared at her as she walked between the huts, heading for the long stair case, she didn't notice. She was fully set on this task that had suddenly possessed her, making her blind to everything else. She ascended the stairs and stopped briefly when she reached the top. She walked straight towards that accursed white stone, knelt on the grass, lit the incense and bowed her head in a prayer. Then, she deposited the braid to her lap and sank her hands into the freshly dug ground, shifting the soil, feeling the small grains sting under her fingernails. The pit was small and shallow, but that was alright. It was the gesture here that mattered. Gently, she laid the braid of her own hair into the ground, and pushed the soil back in, covering the grave once again. She sat there for a moment, looking desperately for the right words to say, but coming up empty. She sighed, and caressed the smooth white stone with longing.
Then she rose and walked away. She felt a little lighter. She had needed to do this. In a few short hours, she would be mated to Sesshoumaru, and soon after that the two of them would be leaving the village.
She would venture forth from this place as a changed woman, but she left a piece of herself behind. A piece that would always be his.
L-A-L
When Kagome came back to Kaede's hut, Sango was there, waiting for her. She gasped at the sight of her friend.
"Kagome-chan! What did you do to your hair?" the slayer asked, bewildered.
"Something I felt was necessary," was the cryptic answer, followed by an indifferent shrug.
Sango bit her lip and let it drop without a further comment.
"I got your things," she said, gesturing to the items she had laid down onto Kagome's futon.
Kagome turned to look at the neatly folded piled of clothes, resting next to her bow and quiver. There was one more thing on the mattress, next to her bow. She knelt down onto the tatami and her hand darted out, almost involuntarily. The beads were perfectly round and smooth in her hand, cold to touch and surprisingly heavy. They had once glowed dark purple, but they look almost black now, the glow had faded when the spell had died. She had almost forgotten about the necklace. Inuyasha had removed it five years ago, on the day of their mating. After all, the spell had been conjured to protect her life, after Inuyasha had attacked her when they had first met. But over the years, Kagome had given him her heart, and he had fallen in love with her. He had sworn to protect her, and when he finally took her as his mate, his role as her protector and provider had been made official, and the subjugation beads had been rendered useless.
Seeing them now made Kagome remember the early days, the constant travelling and hunting for shards. It had been a trying time, but it had been during those days when they had gradually discovered their feelings. She smiled sadly, and then gently picked up the necklace.
"I thought you would want to save it," Sango spoke quietly.
Kagome nodded, gifting her friend with a wan smile, before she pulled the necklace over her head.
The straw mat in the doorway rustled dryly, and the two women in the hut turned to see Miroku.
"I think our daiyoukai guest is growing restless." he informed them.
"Then I guess we should go and get this mating over and done with," Kagome said in a mirthless tone, rising up from the floor. Sango glanced at her husband, but followed the priestess out of the hut.
Sesshoumaru was waiting just outside. His eyebrow quirked up at the sight of the miko's changed appearance, but he did not comment on it. Rin stood next to the demon lord, smiling and obviously excited for the upcoming mating. Shippo was waiting, too, though he was frowning. Kaede would stay behind to look after the children, Miroku quietly told his wife, just as Kagome stopped to stand in front of Sesshoumaru. Idly she noted that he had removed his armour.
"Come," he rumbled in his deep voice, starting to walk out of the village.
"Where exactly?" Kagome questioned, as the others fell in after them, insistent of witnessing the mating.
"Away from the village. Both of our energies will need to be unleashed to accomplish the joining, and the experience can be… unsettling to bystanders." Sesshoumaru spared a glance at the miko who was following him.
"Fair enough," she muttered with a listless shrug.
They left the village and entered Inuyasha's forest, walking between the tall trees until Sesshoumaru deemed they were far enough from the villagers.
He settled himself onto the grass, heedless of his white kimono and hakama. Kagome followed his example, sitting down before him. Her friends also sat down onto the ground at a slight distance, nervous and unsure of what to expect.
Sesshoumaru reached forward to touch the priestess. Kagome tensed when his hands slipped in under her kimono. A second later they settled on her shoulders, easily cupping them, his deadly claws resting against her skin. Her blue eyes bore into him.
"It has to be skin on skin," he answered the unvoiced question, and then tersely nodded towards her hands. The miko raised them hesitantly, and then pushed the lapels of his kimono aside, setting her thin hands on his chest.
Sesshoumaru held her gaze and nodded.
"Good. We may begin. Try to relax."
Relaxing was easier said than done, because the second after Sesshoumaru had imparted that instruction to her, he discarded the constraints of his youki. His power instantly exploded around them, sending dark shivers down her spine.
Danger! Kagome's instincts screamed, feeling the oppressing weight of his youki. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, adrenaline rushed through her body, and her reiki instinctively came alive, to protect her from the demonic threat.
She saw Sesshoumaru's lips twitch, and in a sudden moment of clarity she realised that the daiyoukai was smiling. The bastard was actually enjoying this!
"Follow my lead," he growled at her, and then somehow poured forth even more youki.
In that moment, she finally understood how powerful Sesshoumaru truly was. It had nothing to do with the sheer weight and overwhelming vastness of his demonic energy, it was in the precision with which he was able to control even the most minute aspects of his strength.
His dark, malicious youki danced against her senses, goading her to respond in kind. He managed to keep his energy threatening, so that her powers instinctively flared up in response. Yet she could feel there was no real threat to her here, he was not trying to oppress her, and that allowed her to finally relax.
Her holy powers burst forth, bright and brilliant and colder than ice, matching and contending with the dark and primal inferno that was Sesshoumaru's youki. The powers danced and twirled, winding closer and closer to one another.
Miroku was glad he had sat down onto the ground, if not; the sheer pressure of the incredible powers warring on the clearing would have forced him down on his knees. It was indeed an intense and magnificent display. Yet even though the two opposite powers warred in the air with a lot of sizzling and crackling, in the heart of it all, the couple sat completely still. Their eyes were closed and they appeared to be calm and relaxed. How they could manage that, Miroku did not know. His own limbs were shaking just from witnessing all this raw power.
Kagome focused on her breathing, falling into an almost meditative state. She felt somehow open and connected, now that she had poured out her holy powers. She felt the weight of Sesshoumaru's hands on her shoulders. They felt surprisingly warm against her skin. She felt the steady beating of his heart under the palm of her hand. The beat of her own heart seemed to slow down, in a response to his, until their rhythms finally synchronized and the two hearts beat as one. The very moment that happened, Kagome felt a tentative tug at a corner of her soul and she instinctively answered. The next thing she knew, he was flooding into her and she was pouring out to him, and for a split second they could wholly see one another.
Kagome gasped for air, and the holy powers instantly receded back into her, as she hunched forward, leaning against Sesshoumaru and gulping to catch her breath.
The daiyoukai did not appear to be similarly affected, though his eyes burned red for a second before he called back his youki, putting his usual restraints back in place.
Miroku released a breath he had not been aware of holding.
"Is that it?"
"The joining is complete." Sesshoumaru confirmed, rising from the ground and pulling the miko to her feet with him. It had taken a little longer than he had anticipated, the priestess had been stronger than he had expected. He wondered if she had ever truly unleashed her power in full before.
"I understand now why you warned bystanders would find the experience unsettling," Miroku quipped with a wan smile. "Is it always so intense?"
Sesshoumaru shrugged his shoulder.
"Under usual circumstances, mating will happen during coupling and is thus achieved fully on instinct. To form a mating bond, one must be able to bare one's soul to the partner, and to induce a state that is receptive enough for that to be possible outside the usual circumstances requires a bit more effort."
"It has to do with defences," Kagome muttered in a sudden insight. She did not realise that her hands were still resting against Sesshoumaru's chest even though the two were now standing up. "The power has to be released in full, lest they interfere with reaching the right state."
Sesshoumaru nodded, impressed by the woman's perceptiveness.
"The power has to be released but still under control and eventually one will become open enough to bare one's soul and receive what the partner offers in return."
They were walking back to the village now. Miroku was still interested in the technicalities that Sesshoumaru tried his best to explain in concepts humans could understand. Kagome, however, had lost her interest in the conversation and had fallen behind her friends. It had been completely different from what she had expected. The whole thing had probably only taken minutes, but they had felt like hours to her, like for a moment the time had stopped, trapping her into a world where only she, Sesshoumaru, and their warring powers existed. It was nothing like her mating with Inuyasha, and yet it was almost the same. With Inuyasha, too, the world had faded away, but with him it had been so sweet, and there had been much more skin on skin. In that moment they had been close not only emotionally but physically as well, and when they had found their rhythm together she had felt that insistent tug at her soul and that had been it, they had completely become one.
It had not been as intimate with Sesshoumaru, for obvious reasons, but still it had been very personal. For that fleeting second she had seen him, all of him. That the daiyoukai, who was such a private person, had been so accommodating, so completely open and disarmed before her, filled her with kind of an awe.
Kagome raised her gaze when Sango fell into a step beside her, worried by her silence and engaging her into a conversation. Kagome knew for sure that something had indeed changed between her and Sesshoumaru, when she looked at him. All she could see was the wealth of his silver hair and his perfectly postured back, yet she could tell without doubt, that the demon lord was pleased.
