"Caroline, what's wrong with yer? You've been in a strange mood all weekend. I'm leaving in a couple of hours an' I don't want to leave you like this." It had become increasingly noticeable over the last month that something had happened or that Caroline had something on her mind. Her most recent emails seemed restrained and less meaningful than they had been previously. They had hardly spoken to each other on the phone in the last few weeks and Caroline seemed to have missed quite a few of Janice's calls. Janice had begun to get a little paranoid that she had done something wrong, although part of her wondered if Caroline had met someone at last and that perhaps her time had been directed elsewhere?
This weekend had been like almost any other of their previous weekends, however the American was most definitely distracted. She had cited work as an excuse and had even spent a few hours of their free time working on her laptop. Janice hadn't wanted to waste the weekend arguing about it, but she hadn't been prepared to leave with things unresolved.
"Come and sit down for a while." Caroline sat Janice on the settee and took a chair opposite her. She took the younger woman's hands in her own, looked her in the eye and took a deep breath.
"These last few months have been incredible. Last year, when we met in Benidorm, I never imagined this would come from it. You are an amazing woman, I feel richer for having known you and the kids. I don't think I could ever forget this time we've spent together." Tears flowed freely down the older woman's face and Janice felt the weight of the atmosphere in her chest. Something was clearly very wrong for the usually composed and confident American to be in this much of a state.
"Janice, I never meant to..." Caroline broke off having lost the words she wanted to say. No matter how many times she had rehearsed this, it was still the most difficult thing in the world to say aloud.
"Please tell me sweetheart, yer scaring me."
"I love you Janice...I've fallen in love with you." Janice felt all the breath leave her body and it came out in a deep 'oh' that she couldn't stop escaping her lips. She felt the world stop spinning on its axis and the whole of time stand still. She unconsciously shook her head over and over until she was able to vocalise the thoughts that were rushing through her head.
"No, no…no…yer can't…yer can't."
"I know, believe me I know."
"What are we going to do?" Caroline was not oblivious to the fact that Janice hadn't said anything about how she felt and she took that as answer enough. Even if the British woman did return her feelings, she wasn't going to jeopardise her marriage and children for her, she'd been clear enough about that from the start.
"This has to end. I can't pretend that I don't feel more for you than I should. And you…Mick and the kids…" Janice made the mistake at looking right into her lover's eyes. Pain was etched on every line of her face but her eyes seemed cold and hard. Janice couldn't stop the tears from spilling down her face even though so many conflicting thoughts and feelings were rushing through her head at that moment.
"I don't want to lose you, as a friend if nothing else."
"I'm not sure I can do that honey and I'm not sure you could either." Caroline was right, neither of them had been able to put aside the sexual attraction that had first brought them together and it was impossible to try and do that now that they knew each other intimately.
"So this is it, forever?"
"I think so."
"Right…I'll er…get me things." Janice stood up shakily and turned to collect her bags from the bedroom. Caroline let her go, she couldn't think of a single word to say. There were no explanations, no excuses and no amount of pleading or begging could change their situation. She had resigned herself to it the moment she realised how she felt about the younger woman. It was predictable really; she should have known this would happen. Perhaps if she had found a partner in the time that she and Janice had been together then it would have remained as casual as they had first intended it to be. If she was fully honest with herself that was clutching at straws, how could she have not fallen in love with the Mancunian? Janice was everything she had been the day they met and so much more. She'd never laughed so much with someone before; Janice had never tried to be funny, but she was naturally gifted in wit and sarcasm and had seen and done things Caroline had never experienced. Their physical relationship had only got better with time and experience. Considering her circumstances, Janice had never shied away from expressing herself through touch, she was a naturally tactile person and it was not often they weren't cuddled up together or at the very least holding hands. Caroline had also formed relationships with the kids, particularly Michael, and that would be a wrench.
Janice came out of the bedroom dragging her weekend suitcase behind her. She left it in the hallway and tugged on her jacket and shoulder bag.
"I'll give you a lift to the station." Caroline offered even though it was the last thing she wanted to do, but it wasn't Janice's fault she had chosen now to tell her how she felt. The least she could do was offer the younger woman a lift.
"No, it's fine, I'll get a bus. I know 'em quite well now an' I have me Oyster card." Caroline nodded knowing that once Janice had made up her mind she was stubborn and wouldn't change it.
"I'm so sorry Janice, I never meant to ruin everything by feeling this way."
"I suppose it had to end sometime. Take care of yerself yeah? An' don't work too hard, I know what yer like!"
"Oh honey! Whatever am I going to do without you?" Caroline cupped Janice's cheek and leaned in for a gentle kiss but when their lips met they put everything they could into expressing the regret they both felt at the imminent loss of each other. Janice broke off first and picked up her suitcase.
"Goodbye Caroline, thanks fer…everything."
"Goodbye Janice, you too." The moment the front door closed behind her lover, Caroline leaned her forehead against it and scrunched up her eyes. She took a couple of steadying breaths before succumbing to the pain she'd been trying to block out. At first her bottom lip quivered and a couple of tears fell from her eyes. She turned around and sank back against the door. As more tears flowed and sobs caught in her throat she slid down the door into a crumpled heap and finally allowed herself to cry. All the anguish, pain and grief poured out of her. Sometime later she dragged herself to the bedroom and climbed into bed fully clothed. She could still smell Janice on the bedsheets and her perfume lingered in the air. She cried herself to sleep and wondered what in the hell she had done.
Janice looked out of the window and blankly stared at the scenery as it rolled by. The train was fortunately half empty. She sat by the window and the aisle seat next to her thankfully remained empty throughout. The bus journey from Caroline's flat had been fairly simple and she'd been concentrating so much on making sure she got the right one she hadn't had time to think about what had just transpired. Even now that she was on the train heading home she just felt numb. So many thoughts whirred around inside her head and nothing really made sense. It almost felt like this was happening to someone else. She couldn't quite process that she was never going to see Caroline again. That this 'episode' or 'experience' in her life was over before it had really begun. Then again, what had she expected? Caroline was right, it couldn't have gone anywhere; she had Mick and Michael to consider. She didn't want to think about what her life was going to be like from now on; just those four walls in Manchester, her manipulative and ungrateful mother and a life that was not her own. She'd experienced so much more beyond that, found that she could speak to people who had got somewhere in life and not come across stupid, made friends she'd never dream of associating with normally and seen a world where she had a chance to be someone more than she ever thought before. In short, an independent life carved out for herself with the encouragement and support of Caroline. And now it had all gone. Janice could feel her stomach tying itself in knots, a sick feeling settle inside herself and her heart palpitated with worry the closer she got to home.
Janice hovered outside her own home feeling like she didn't belong. The feeling of dread had steadily got worse and now her whole body felt jittery with nerves. The last thing she felt like doing was to pretend that everything was alright but she had no choice. She walked up the garden path and stood in front of the door. She stood there for minutes, her keys still at the bottom of her shoulder bag, just waiting to summon up the courage to walk into the rest of her life. The choice was taken away from her when Mick suddenly flung open the door and greeted her.
"Lost yer keys?" His voice rang with sudden clarity in her ears, harsh against the muffled white noise of the train and its passengers and the muted sounds of her familiar hometown.
"Ooh Mick! Yer made me jump!" She put her hand over her wildly beating heart as if to emphasise the point, or was it more in an effort to calm herself down?
"Sorry love, I was just walking past and saw yer shadow at the door." She shook her head, the question about her keys hadn't been an important line of enquiry, and pulled the suitcase up beside her. Mick leant over and grabbed it before she had a chance to stop him and she dutifully followed him inside.
Janice had half her jacket off before she heard several loud thumps from upstairs and the stomping of feet running down the stairs. She'd just about managed to get her jacket off and on the peg before her son barrelled into her.
"Mam, yer home!" Michael squeezed her middle tightly, searching for that comfort only a mother could give. Unfortunately that was the moment Janice's stomach lurched and she hastily disengaged his arms from her waist before she shot off upstairs to the bathroom as quickly as she could.
Janice managed to lock the door behind her and she made it to the toilet bowl just in time to throw up into it, twice. The force of the nausea and the lurch of her stomach brought tears to her eyes that spilled down her cheeks as she wiped her mouth on a piece of toilet paper. She flushed the loo, sat back on the cool floor and waited for her breathing to calm. But the anxiety, grief and weight of emotion that had been coursing through her these past few hours caught up with her all at once and overwhelmed her. She covered her mouth as best she could to muffle the screams that came from somewhere deep inside of her. She bent over double and held her stomach with one arm across it in a vain attempt to bring herself some relief. She desperately crawled around the bathroom floor unaware of her erratic movements. Eventually she regained a little control and sat back on her legs rocking herself back and forth as she cried. How had it all gone so horribly wrong? Her heart was breaking and she couldn't even bear to think about it. She loved Mick…of course she did…didn't she? Caroline was just a fling, something exciting to take her away from the realities of her own life here in Manchester. The American was exotic, confident and independent so it was easy to see how she'd been bowled over by her. They had always been destined for a short and casual affair and she'd been damn lucky Mick had allowed her to take it as far as it had gone. Her priorities were here, with her family, just as they had always been and she had been a fool to think otherwise. And even though it was a fleeting realisation to be boxed away and never thought of again, Janice could say that at least for a while she and Caroline had shared an intense emotional and physical connection. She daren't identify just what that connection was otherwise she wasn't sure she could live with the guilt.
