Chapter 3.
He couldn't focus at all the last few days, every time he tried, images of her would snap into his mind like a slap to the face. One moment he'd be trying to watch video of Glaxo's shocked employees talking about their psychopathic colleague ( Surprise, no one saw it coming). The next he'd be staring into her empty eye sockets again.
He was tired, and he'd been near useless at work all week, Why Hotch hadn't sent him home was beyond him. Well not really, He was pretty sure he was keeping him within arms reach, keeping an eye on him.
Patronising, that's what it was.
Reid, was trying to look busy. He flipped though a file on his desk as Rossi approached, hoping he'd be left alone.
No such luck. Rossi pulled a chair over and sat opposite him.
"How are you holding up Reid?"
Reid didn't look up from his file.
"Just fine Rossi. Thanks for asking." He replied tersely.
"You know." Rossi's voice was low. "I'm surprised Hotch didn't give you some time off."
"Why would he do that?"
"Well..." He continued. "Back in the 70s, when I was a rookie I found a body, a child." He swallowed thickly. " I was assigned six weeks of therapy, mandatory...I guess protocol has changed huh?"
"I don't need therapy Rossi. I'm not a rookie and..." He looked Rossi in the eye. "I'm not an infant. I don't need to be looked after. I can deal with what this job entails..."
"I'm not saying that you can't Reid. Don't get me wrong..."
"... Besides" Reid cut him off. "I cant get therapy, Straus will want too know why."
"So you tell the truth, you found the body of a torture victim, hell, that much is in the file..."
Reid stood abruptly and stormed off. Rossi sat for a moment, mouth agape, before setting his jaw and following him. He wasn't about to let this go.
He caught him in the hallway, reaching out, he grabbed the young man's arm. Reid turned to him, a steely look in his eye.
"Don't touch me please." He said though gritted teeth.
"Reid. Listen carefully.'' Rossi Said, keeping his voice calm. "There's no shame in needing to talk about this stuff. Even if it's only to us... You Got me?"
Reid didn't reply. Just pulled his arm out of Rossi's grip and continued down the hallway and out of the building.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
... The BAU Team entered the premisses at 4.05 am. The house was deserted. Dr. SA Spencer Reid discovered the body in the basement of the building...
Then there were pictures.
So it had been bad, worse than she'd imagined. So bad she couldn't finish reading the file. Just the photo's were enough to give her nightmares. Poor Reid. She knew how personally he took these things. He probably blamed himself for not figuring it out sooner.
Still.
She discussed her concerns with Morgan over coffee that evening.
"I told you baby girl. It was a real mess. I'd be shaken up too." Morgan stirred his coffee, thoughtfully. Garcia leaned over the table.
"He fell asleep at his desk again. Third time this week Derek! He's not sleeping."
"Give him time, he'll get over it." Morgan said, he sounded so sure of himself.
"Maybe he should try therapy, you know he's actually meant to get a psych eval after finding a body."
"Yeah... Well he cheats on those and the shrink knows it. Rossi spoke to him about therapy and he wouldn't hear it."
"So what? We sit back and let him have a nervous breakdown? You know I've seen what happens when someone doesn't sleep for a week straight and it aint pretty."
Morgan sighed. "Look, I know ok? I'm worried too. To be honest I'm surprised it affected him this badly. I mean, after everything we've seen."
"He is young Derek, I think we forget that sometimes."
"Yeah... Listen Baby Girl. I'll talk to him. I promise, we take care of our own, we won't let anything happen to him ok?"
"I know hot stuff.'' She smiled ''Thanks."
He smiled back, and just for a moment all was right with the world. Then she asked:
''Did something else happen at the house?''
His face clouded ''What do you mean sweetheart?''
''Anything that wasn't in the file?''
''Don't worry about it Baby Girl." He says. And for the first time, she realised, he was lying to her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Reid had taken to eating by himself on a bench in the parking lot. He used to enjoy the company of the other agents at lunch. But lately he felt like they were watching him, judging.
He knew he shouldn't let his mind even go in that direction, with his mom the way she was. But he couldn't help it. He knew he was projecting the guilt he was feeling. He knew that, but it didn't help.
It hurt. Thinking about it actually felt like a vice in his chest. When ever he thought of the darkness of that basement, a lump rose in his throat and he wanted to scream, wanted to hurt Ferren for hurting her, wanted to hurt himself...
"So here's where you've been hiding."
Morgan's voice cut of his train of thought.
"Hi Morgan." He focused on the sandwich he had no plans to eat.
Morgan sat beside him.
"You know Reid, you look like you've lost 20 pounds this past week. You trying to fit into a prom dress or something?" He joked. Reid smiled a little.
"Little pink number." He murmured.
"Well you look fine sweetheart, no need to diet."
Reid had enough of the teasing and took a bite of his sandwich to shut Morgan up.
"Talk to me kid." Morgan asked, like he'd asked so many times before.
''I'm ok Morgan.''
''No you're not.' He said matter of factly ''Or if you are, you have no right to be after what happened.''
''Part of the job.'' Reid muttered.
''Yeah well there are a lot of parts to this job that no one should have to go through.''
Reid was surprised by the bitterness in Morgan's voice.
"It helps when you win one now and again but... Well... I know the feeling Reid."
Reid said nothing but he didn't storm off either. Morgan took that as a good sign.
"You know, Garcia is worried about you, JJ's starting to worry too. I can tell."
"They don't need to..." Reid said, flicking a crust of bread to some nearby pigeons.
"Yeah they do. They care about you, so they worry. That's what family does."
"Morgan." Reid's voice sounded plaintive, almost desperate. "Please Stop."
Morgan turned his head in surprise at his tone.
"Don't make me talk about it." He continued. "I...I can't talk about it. I just..." He fell silent.
"Its ok kid." Morgan told him, resting a hand on his shoulder. I'm not gonna force you to talk about anything. Just... Just know that you can if you want to... That we all care about you. Ok?"
Reid nodded his head. He was grinding his teeth in an effort to restrain the emotion he was clearly feeling.
Morgan patted him on the back and stood.
"You know where I am." He said quietly before departing the parking lot. Leaving Reid to his thoughts.
I don't deserve that kind of compassion anymore.
More than anything he wanted Dilaudid. But he wouldn't, that was over, wouldn't help anything, wouldn't undo anything.
Neither would talking. He had the feeing that if he started talking about it, the most vile, poisonous things would roll off his tongue and send his beloved friends running from him.
They could never know. He could never tell them. Hell, he could barely admit it to himself.
