Sorry everyone, uni's just gone back so I've been pretty busy. ALSO, weapons =/ explosives…this will be relevant… And yes, I borrowed a line because it is a beautiful and very fitting line! you'll know it when you see it, lol. this chapter turned out hella long so i cut it in half. the 'proper' tension's in the next part.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support!


"So…" as no innocent sentence ever starts.

"What did you and the captain get up to last night?" Tilly suggestively bumps me with her elbow while winking.

I can tell she's attempting to be quiet but the buzz of the room abruptly drops as the crew's super-sense for gossip goes off. Out of the corner of my eye (because I wasn't looking at him, I swear), I see Ch-the captain flinch. I intervene before he has the chance to badly lie.

"Now before anyone gets too excited, prepare yourself for disappointment. I may have gotten a little too drunk—no thanks to you Tilly, I might add, with your Holpian cocktails—and excused myself. The captain kindly offered to walk me back to my quarters and then continued on his way. Who knows, maybe the captain got up to some mischief afterwards but the only thing I'm regretting this morning is my headache." I emphasise the word, hoping that my lie is sturdy enough.

The chorus of laughs and steady return of the room's hum signals that I've convinced most of the crew. The squinted appraisal that Tilly continues to give me makes it obvious that she's not so satisfied. I am praying that she drops it because the thought of him is already clawing at my stomach and it feels like I'm about to start bleeding. Tilly opens her mouth to protest and I brace myself.

"Tilly, I spoke to Alina right before she left. She was feeling unwell and I watched the captain escort her out. There is no mystery except for how you managed to get Holpian liquor on this ship…how did you manage that?"

Michael, you absolute angel.

Tilly looks slightly bashful, "I…am going to go back to my station. Good luck with that headache, Alina."

I look to Michael to thank her but her quietly sympathetic expression smothers my words; she's obviously connected enough of the dots. I swallow the tears that scratch at my throat as Michael places a comforting hand on my arm before she returns to her post. Instinctively, I look to the captain's chair to find him already looking at me. I avert my gaze immediately but steel myself as I hear approaching footsteps. I lock my eyes on the screen before me.

"…Alina-"

"We're in a professional setting, Captain, I would prefer Osborne," my tone is cutting, likely far more than he deserves.

It would seem that no one else hears me but I sense him flinch like I've struck him.

I will always want to choose you.

Maybe in another life.

"Can I help you, Captain?" My tongue is icy sharp.

"Alina-"

"I made myself clear." Stop it.

His weary sigh is like a punch.

His voice is almost imperceptibly soft, "I don't want to lose you entirely. I couldn't bea-"

"I'm not going anywhere…I am your Tactical Officer and I will continue to perform my duties. After all, it's duty first, right Captain?"

I'm being cruel at this point like somehow it will right things or make me feel better. It's not working because the glimpse I steal of his face only further opens the pit in my stomach. Speechless pain is woven across his face as clearly as lightning, and the feeling that I inflicted it is indescribable. Without another word, he nods slightly and turns back towards his chair. This feels even more like a goodbye than last night; there is something so uglily final about the sensation settling in my heart.


We speak sparingly for weeks. I've gone from trying to spend every moment with him to barely acknowledging the man that works mere feet from me. The crew must have noticed the change but thankfully have had the tact not to ask about it. However, the gaping hollow continues to grow in my stomach with every glance of him and whisper of his voice inching it wider. Sometimes I wondered how it doesn't just consume me. But I won't let it. I am Alina Osborne, Head Tactical Officer of U.S.S. Discovery. Even if I feel like I'm falling apart, I do not break. I will not break.


"Michael, you need to go!"

"I will not let you do this, Alina!"

"Well, someone has to do it and it is not going to be you, Burnham!"

Their pounding on the door behind us continues to grow louder with my heartbeat. The door is reinforced but I know it won't last forever. Time is running out to escape or decide but I can't leave. Not yet. This weapons cache threatens entire planets and it has to be destroyed from the inside out. Unfortunately, the self-destruct button requires a living hand on it for the duration of the countdown. That is to say, someone needs to wait here, deep underground, for everything to come tumbling down.

"Osborne, Burnham, report! What's happening?!"

The captain…

Chris.

Rationally, I am fully aware that we can never be. Irrationally, his voice is still a reminder of everything I am going to lose.

"We can blow the place, but-" I almost can't bring myself to say it-"someone needs to stay."

His voice erratic, distressed, "For how long? To set the charge?"

Michael finds the courage I can't, "No, Captain, someone needs to stay until the charge goes off. It's the only way."

There is an awful, cavernous silence.

"…This is not worth the life of my crew."

I splutter, "Respectfully, Captain, these weapons cannot remain in these men's hands! We will never get another chance to take out their entire arsenal!"

His tone is unwavering steel, "We'll find another way. This is an official order, retreat."

I look to Michael and see the conflict painted across her features. It's in this moment I make a decision. I won't let her suffer for this.

"Understood, Captain. Burnham, let's go, they're gonna break through at any moment!" I quickly steer her towards the other door.

I grab Michael by the arm before she has time to think and her feet slowly start to move. This door leads to the surface, to safety, to life, and for a second, I consider it. I consider running upwards with Michael by my side until we can feel the sunlight on our faces. I consider letting myself break as I hear the palpable relief in my captain's exhale. But I know what these weapons can do and I can't. I just can't.

As Michael passes the door's threshold, I give her a hard shove forward and lock the door before she can recover. She looks back at me through the small window of glass with an expression that can only be described as absolute despair.

"Alina, no! No, no, no! You can't do this! Please! There has to be another way!" Her voice cracks.

I try to smile, "We both know that there's not…you need to go, my friend. It's going to be okay, Michael, but I need you to let me do this."

She bangs her fist against the glass but it doesn't so much as budge. Tears are streaming down both our cheeks.

"Alina, Michael, what's going on?"

Again, his voice is a cutting reminder of this action's cost.

"Alina has locked herself in the room! I can't get in! She's going to set off the self-destruct!"

That terrible silence returns and it's like I can feel the grief of my crew all the way from here.

"Alina-"

"There's no other way."

"Please-"

My words go almost inaudibly soft, "There is no other way."

"There has to be."

Despite everything, I smile because despite everything, I love Chris. I love his compassion, his determination, his loyalty, his curiosity, and all the things that make him incredible. His channel suddenly dissolves into a fury of orders and directives so I turn my thoughts back to Burnham. She's still standing before me, begging me to just open the damn door. I place my hand against the door and slowly move my hand into the Vulcan salute.

"Live long and prosper, Michael Burnham. You deserve it."

She looks away for a moment in pain, shaking her head like she can't bear to say goodbye, before turning back to me. With a violently shaking hand, Michael moves into the salute against the glass. Our eyes meet and we share a tight, watery smile.

"Goodbye, Michael. You better look after our crew, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me. Now…it's time to go."

"I'll see you on the other side, Osborne."

I nod but don't withdraw my hand as she takes that first step backwards, still staring at me. It's not until Michael turns around to run that I step away from the door. The green pulsating light of the button looms on the edge of my vision. Before I can consider, before I can flee, I take three steps and slam my hand down. A screeching alarm and countdown that gives me 60 seconds left to live tells me all I need to know. I close my eyes. I had never thought it would be like this but then again, I don't think anyone ever does. The battering against the door is even louder now but I can almost taste their desperation and fear. I'm certain their senses of self-preservation will take over soon.

"Alina, don't do this!"

He's really making this more difficult than it needs to be. It would be so much easier to give in without the memory of his skin on mine pushing at the edge of my consciousness. What I would give to kiss him one last time.

"I'm doing what I need to do," I sound so, so weary.

"Please, we're working on it. We'll find another way to destroy the weapons." He's trying to sweeten his voice, to convince me that I can leave. The asshole.

I let out a breathy chuckle, "Let's be honest, Burnham and I would never have been here if there was another way."

The quiet curse confirms my point.

I allow a softness into my tone, "Chris…it's just too important let this one go. One life for the millions it will save…I'd say that's a pretty good deal."

"But it's you! It's your life!"

"This is my choice, not your's-" I pause for a moment, the irony almost painful-"That's what you didn't understand…I would never make you choose."

He doesn't say anything but I can picture him, his head in his hands and trying to think of some brilliant last-minute scheme. The thought is a small comfort. The metallic pounding has also stopped, which is a relief. However, the shrill alarm continues grow and fade in time with my breath.

There's still so much I need to say but can't or won't find the words. So I say all that I can say.

"It's been my honour to serve by your side. I couldn't have asked for a better crew or captain-" I take a second to compose myself and keep the sobs back-"It's going to be ok, I promise. After all, part of the journey is the end."

'30 seconds' flashes before me and I finally let the tears fall because I don't want to die, not by any measure. I whisper a prayer; for something after, for peace, for their comfort (maybe a little bit for salvation).

"Alina, I won't try and convince you but please…When the countdown goes off, run like absolute hell. It's a shot in the dark but it's a chance…we'll find you."

I let out a watery laugh because Chris' voice is steady for my sake and hopeful because he's a good man.

"Will do, Captain."

I watch the numbers plunge, quicker and quicker as each passes. I am more afraid than I can comprehend.

"I will find you."

My vision blurs as I fail to choke back a sob. I would truly give anything just to have him here, holding my hand, as the world ends.

"Thank you for everything, Chris…one day, in another life, we will meet again…I look forward to it."

His response is swallowed by adrenaline as the final numbers tick down.

4…

I unlock the door from the panel in front of me.

3…

I steady my feet on the floor to the gentle whoosh of the door opening.

2…

I turn towards the ever-so-distant sky.

1…

I allow myself a deep breath before the sky falls.

Self-destruct detonated.

I'm off like a shot. As I run fear rises in my throat that the sequence hasn't worked, that I have to turn back, but a quiver beneath me kills that dread only to replace it with another. An almost inaudible rumbling resonates through my chest in a deep hum that is only comparable to the moment before a tsunami comes crashing down. I just keep going and going and going, ignoring the chunks falling around me and the shouts through my intercom. The world is shaking itself apart and the tunnel is crumbling into increasingly large pieces. I'm beginning to have to dodge the rocks strewn across my path and plummeting from above. I can't taste fresh air or see sunlight and I have no idea how far I am from the surface, but I will not stop. I will run until there's no more road. However, my stride is starting to lag as my adrenaline runs dry and the growing number of gashes on my limbs saps my strength. I keep pushing onwards and upwards until I see something in the distance. It might just be the tunnel levelling out, or it could be an especially bright artificial light but it could be-

CRACK

It's almost funny that hope can be killed as quickly as it can bloom.

The glance I spare upwards reveals lightning-like ruptures growing across the ceiling in front of me. I gather everything I have left, every love and dream and miracle, to propel me forward. My feet barely even touch the ground, I'm running faster than I ever have. I'm getting closer and closer as the fissures continue to hiss and disintegrate. I c-

Something heavy and sharp hits me directly on the forehead and I come tumbling down like I'm nothing more than clay. For a moment, I am nothing. I am nebulous with pain and the great, waiting black. Then I'm awake again, and painful solid rain is pelting down, and my skin is slick with something that smells like metal. I try and rise but the storm keeps pushing me deeper into the ground. The roar of the earth is in my bones and it hurts like fury. Someone is shouting or screaming but I'm not sure if it's me because I know I'm not alone. But who's with me, again? The answer is waiting just beyond my thoughts and I scramble for it as the world becomes aching lead pressing down on me. There are people waiting for me. I can almost see their faces, a sea of smiling, beautiful faces centred around one in particular. They are familiar yet foreign and I am crying because I miss them even though I don't know they are or where I'm going. Who-

My crew.

Of course. Of course.

Somehow, in spite of the crushing weight on every inch of my body, this little memory is an absolute solace.

My crew.

Somehow, I know that even though this is the end, it's okay. I needed to leave them behind, I just can't remember why.

My crew

Somehow, I know my crew is with me and that's enough. With my fragile shred of peace, I let the waiting dark wash over me.


Ik I said just one more part and then it turned long so one more part after this :P